Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
H eaded for home, Mitch guided the boat along the coast, keeping the speed easy and the ride smooth. His guests were all either napping or soon to be.
After they’d eaten lunch, they’d cleaned up, and then, because they were hot, full, and lazy, they’d all gotten pool noodles out of one of the storage cubbies and floated around in the water in the shade of the boat. Except for the dogs. They’d stayed on board and snoozed.
Mitch nodded, thinking about the dogs. They were great company. Maybe he should get a dog. What was stopping him? He was home all the time. He already went out running on a regular basis. A dog that could go running with him might be the way to go.
He’d have to explore the different breeds, then see if there were any local rescues where he could adopt one. He couldn’t see paying for a dog when there were so many that needed homes.
Something to research.
He exhaled, the day catching up with him. He’d sleep well tonight. Today had been one of the most enjoyable days he’d had in a long time. Not that the bar was set so high. Since losing Jeanie, he’d actually had no enjoyable days. This would be the first one. And what a day it had been.
He’d made some new memories in an important place. Amazing how that had given him a new perspective.
His passengers were all lazing about. Lucas and Frankie had returned to the sun bed on the bow. With the sun at their backs now, they were mostly in shade. Harper and Willa were behind him on the couches. The dogs were passed out on the deck.
He didn’t mind the dose of solitude at the helm. He’d always enjoyed that. Just him, the boat, and the water. The breeze whistling past, the late-day sun sparkling on the surface. The occasional hand raised in acknowledgement of another passing boater. There was something Hemmingway-esque about it all that spoke to his writer’s soul.
Not something he’d ever admit publicly. That would be far too precious, and he wasn’t that guy.
Although, he was trying to be more like that guy. More in touch with his feelings. More willing to talk about them and share what was going on inside. Maybe hanging out with Lucas would help him in that area.
But accessing his emotions in that way was hard. Harder than writing a book, and that felt Sisyphean at times. Journaling was helping.
Harper was helping more. Talking to her was easy.
He’d had an epiphany today, as he’d floated in that water, watching the effortless way the rest of them interacted with each other. The way they laughed so readily.
He had allowed grief to become his identity. Just like some people chose happiness, he’d chosen grief. The man who had once been Mitchell Ripley, famed author, had become Mitchell Ripley, widower. Mourner. Author of his own misery.
Jeanie had always chosen happiness. Even on the worst of days, she could find something good to smile about. Jeanie would not want him to live the rest of his life wallowing in grief and sadness, and, admittedly, self-pity.
Why had he clung to those feelings with such completeness? Mourning was a human right. He didn’t blame himself for that.
But Jeanie had been gone for years now. To hold on to those heartbreaking feelings for all that time... He shook his head. Jeanie would never have approved of that.
So what had happened? Why had he enveloped himself in this dark, all-consuming shroud for so long?
If he dug deep and was willing to admit the truth, it was in part because he knew Kyle was right. Mitch had not been the husband Jeanie had deserved in that last year. He’d been too absorbed in work. Too focused on trying to keep things normal so that somehow Jeanie would be normal again, too.
All while knowing it was never going to work. Despite that, he’d spent day after day at the keyboard, lost in a world of his own making, all the while pretending his reality was just fine. It wasn’t.
That guilt had caused him to embrace grief like it was his due. On the inside, he’d known the truth. But on the outside, he’d presented himself as a tribute to Jeanie’s enduring mark on his life. He’d made himself a living example of how deeply wounded her passing had left him.
No one questioned his heartache. No one tried to dissuade him from his grief. His editor and agent had treated him with kid gloves. Everyone he’d come in contact with handled him like a fragile object.
Except for Harper. She’d pushed when no one else had offered the slightest bit of resistance. Maybe Joyce had, too, in some small way, but Mitch was her boss. She might make a ripple, but she wasn’t going to make waves.
What a fool he’d been.
He felt like he owed a lot of people an apology. Jeanie most of all. His life these last few years had not been a tribute to her. They’d been an exercise in self-indulgence.
No wonder Kyle had left. The anger Mitch had been holding toward his son evaporated. He hoped his son was happy with Addison. Just because Mitch didn’t like her didn’t mean she was wrong for Kyle. Appearances could be deceiving. Maybe.
But more than anything, Mitch hoped Kyle had moved beyond his own grief and found a way to live life again, regardless of who it was with.
Mitch needed to do the same thing. That was the real tribute to Jeanie. To make the most of what was left of his life. He glanced over his shoulder. Willa was asleep. Harper was watching the coastline go by.
She caught his look and smiled at him. He smiled back before turning to see the way ahead again.
Next thing he knew, she was at his shoulder, the faint, pleasant coconut scent of her sunscreen drifting past.
“Hey,” she said softly. “Today was amazing. Thank you so much.”
“Thank you ,” he said, keeping his gaze on the water. “I didn’t know how much I needed today.” He thought about how he was trying to be more open and honest about his feelings. Trying and doing were two different things. Doing was so much harder. He kept his voice low as he spoke, just loud enough to be heard over the sounds of the engines and the water. “I realized something today.”
“What was that?”
“It’s time to move on from my grief. I’ve let it define me for too long. In a strange way, it’s become comfortable. I know that now. You helped me see that.”
“I did?”
He nodded. “I’ve been using Jeanie’s passing as an excuse to shut myself off from the world, telling myself it was a way of honoring her memory. It wasn’t. It was self-indulgent and a big justification for not dealing with the guilt I felt for my own behavior as a husband and a father. I screwed up. I need to own that.”
The movement of the boat brought her closer, but she didn’t say anything, just listened and nodded.
“Jeanie wouldn’t like how I’ve lived these past few years. She found joy in life, no matter what. I guess with her gone, I lost that balance. I see that now. Not saying that validates my attitude, but it certainly didn’t help.”
“That’s a big realization.”
“It felt that way to me, too. It’s embarrassing. But moving forward means I need to acknowledge that.”
“Doesn’t seem embarrassing to me. Seems like a major step forward. A very brave major step. It’s easier not to change.”
“Which is probably why I’ve been this way for so long.” He glanced at her, happy to see a smile on her beautiful face. Eyes ahead again, he gently corrected the boat’s path. “I know the change isn’t going to be instant. Or simple. I know I’m still going to have bad days. But genuinely bad days are okay. I’ll deal with those as they come. It’s the constant wallowing that has to end.”
“This is…” Her hand came to rest on his arm. “It’s amazing. I am really proud to know you right now.”
“Don’t be proud of me yet. There’s a lot of work to be done. I get that. But I’m going to do my best to choose happiness. And to move on with my life.” He looked at her. “Anything you can do to help me would be great. Any advice, suggestions, whatever. Consider me your willing student.”
“I’ll give it some thought. Today was a great start. I know you have a book to write and a schedule you like to keep, but days out like this? Big yes to more of these. And you should definitely keep that racquetball appointment with Lucas.”
“I will.” It would be so easy to cancel that, but she was right. He needed to keep it. “I was also thinking about looking into adopting a dog. No solid plan yet. I’m just at the thinking stage right now.”
Her smile somehow got bigger. “Another fantastic idea. Dogs force you to be social in some ways. You have to take them out for walks, and that almost always means seeing other people. And then there’s visits to the dog park.”
“Like I said, just thinking about it. I need to do my research.”
Her smile turned into a more serious expression and her eyes narrowed. “What kind of a dog do you want?”
He could see the cogs turning in her head. “I don’t know, but I’d like one that would be capable of running with me. And then I need to find that kind of dog at a rescue.”
“A rescue?” Her smile came back. “That’s awesome. I can help you with that, if you want. I could do some research on the best breeds for running companions. Then see what rescues actually have some.”
“You heard the part where I said I was just thinking about it, right?”
She laughed softly. “I did. And I understand. Adopting an animal is a big step. It’s a lifetime commitment. At least for their life, anyway. But the company and the unconditional love is such an amazing reward. Not to mention when you get a rescue dog, you’re changing that dog’s life.”
He smirked. It was his own fault for telling her. But the idea of a dog was now stuck in his head, like a story idea that he knew he was going to have to write.
Was that what he was doing? Starting a new chapter in his life? Felt like it.
What better way to do that than by adopting a dog and saving a life?
He nodded as he steered toward the marina. “All right. You can help me research.”