Chapter 23 #2
My blood rushes hot, because the door that holds back all those memories and emotions springs to mind, sending a cold shiver through me. Slowly, I say, “Okay.”
He meets my gaze. “That door, it bulges when you’re with her.”
Everything inside me goes still.
“She’s going to blow it right off the hinges. You can’t keep her out.”
I find myself unable to speak.
“You’re going to think you can’t handle it, but you can. And once it’s over, you’ll be free.”
“Okay.” The word sounds tight, overly controlled.
He smiles. “Go home to her. You’ll find what you’re looking for.”
Jessica, all vibrant and life-affirming, swims before me.
He’s right.
In Jessica, I find all the things I ever lost.
Jessica
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Hailey rests her elbows on her knees as we stare into the night sky.
I pick up the joint and light it, sucking smoke into my lungs before exhaling as I watch for Charlie’s lights to turn into the driveway. “Trust me, he’s going to love it.”
Hailey takes the joint from me. “You think dropping that you discovered his past relationship with Gracie Donovan in front of all his friends, including her husband, is something he’s going to love?”
“Uh-huh.” I shrug, grinning at the Big Dipper. “He’s twisted. He needs to be kept on his toes. Besides, I’ve seen Gracie and her husband practically naked. Charlie was there, so I know it’s not a big deal.”
“So you got almost naked with these people, and not one person mentioned their past relationship?” Hailey shakes her head, taking a drag.
“Well, in fairness, Charlie and I weren’t together then, so it would have been weird to bring it up.”
She sighs the smoke from her lungs. “You understand this is why people talk about you, don’t you?”
As I take the joint, the lights I’ve been waiting for turn into the driveway. “Charlie’s helping me accept the real me.”
Hailey laughs. “So you admit you love to cause a scene.”
“No.” He climbs out of the SUV, looking dangerous and hot. I motion in his direction. “Just look at him. Isn’t it obvious he needs to be challenged?”
“Then he’s met the right woman.”
He closes the door and pockets his keys.
I take another drag before passing it to my sister. “Hey there, Sheriff.”
He walks toward us, his long legs eating up the driveway. “Ladies.”
“Sheriff.” Hailey brings the joint to her lips and smiles at him.
He stands at the bottom of the steps. “I see you two are busy being upstanding citizens.”
“We can’t be good all the time,” I say.
Our eyes meet, and electricity pulses along the air.
“True.” His lips quirk in amusement. “Isn’t smoking weed against the city hall drug policy?”
“Yes, but only because the policy was written by Griffin’s admin, who has no idea what she’s doing and is wishing it were still the Reagan era. I’m not even joking. The header on the policy literally says—” I gesture like I’m scanning the top of a document “—‘Just Say No.’”
“That does sound like her.” Charlie’s tone is amused.
“Mrs. Weller used to be a grade school teacher, but now she’s Griffin’s gatekeeper. Whatever stern, authoritarian schoolmarm you’re picturing in your head, yes, that’s her,” I inform my sister.
Hailey nods. “Gotcha.”
“Anyway,” I say to Charlie, “I’m updating the policy to include legalization.
Technically, you can still be denied employment, but maybe next time they vote, it will pass.
And then we’ll be forced to dismantle something we spent time and resources on, which is only designed to make people’s lives difficult.
In my legal opinion, city employees should not be deprived weed. ”
“I can see you’ve given this a lot of thought.” He laughs, and it brings me a perverse pleasure.
I like entertaining him. After what he’s told me about his past, he needs fun in his life. He needs surprise and laughter and someone he can trust.
That person is going to be me.
He props his hand on the railing, his gaze making its way over my body like a caress.
I hold out the joint to him. “Want some?”
Hailey pats her knees. “That’s my cue.”
Charlie straightens, a frown on his lips. “Don’t leave on my account.”
“I was off to bed until Jessica insisted she couldn’t smoke alone.” She stands, her blond hair tumbling over her shoulders. “Now, she’s not alone.”
Charlie’s attention slides to mine.
“Night, Hales.” I blow her a kiss before he keeps trying to include her to be nice.
She says her goodbyes, and when the door closes, I turn back to him, holding out the joint again. He needs to relax. He’s had a long night, and I’m going to make him forget all about it.
He takes it from my fingers, sucking smoke into his lungs and staring past me to the door. “I don’t want your sister to feel like she has to leave whenever she sees me.”
“Oh honey, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it.” I swing my legs from side to side.
Those dark eyes flash. “Your sassy mouth puts me in the mood to spank you.”
“Well, that’s why I do it.” I slide my pale-blue cotton nightgown up my thighs, spreading my legs.
He walks up a couple of steps before kneeling a step below me, splaying my knees wider.
I curl my fingers into the cotton of his shirt, bringing him close. “I’m in the mood to let you do whatever you want to me.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. So you’d better surprise me with something dirty and kinky.”
“I can do that.” He takes another drag off the joint, leans in, and releases the smoke from his lips to mine. It drifts from him to me and back again before our mouths come together in a passion-soaked kiss.
We kiss like it’s been years instead of hours. It’s full of a desperate hunger that reveals the truth of how deep we are. That this is no longer a game we’re playing.
I tangle my fingers in his hair and fuse my mouth to his. I love how he feels like mine.
The weed slows everything down to a dream state. The mere scent of him makes me dizzy.
Our hands grope as we press closer.
Our heads angle.
Our tongues quest.
We kiss for a ridiculously long time.
We kiss until our breathing is fast.
Until his hand has crawled under my nightgown to cup my breast.
Until I’m grinding my bare pussy against his denim-covered erection.
My head falls back as he sucks at the curve of my neck before pulling away. Breath ragged, he sits beside me.
In silence, we smoke the rest of the joint before he stubs it out and puts it in a pot of dirt I’ve been meaning to do something with but haven’t gotten around to.
My body is a mess of heat and lust, while my head feels like it’s going to float away. I giggle. “I’m, like, super high.”
He laughs. “Me too.”
We stare up into the inky, starlit sky. “Do you ever miss living in the city?”
He’s silent for a moment and I wonder if he’s going to answer, but he finally speaks.
“It took me a long time of forced silence to detox from needing adrenaline like a drug. But once I did, I realized I only thought I needed it because anticipating catastrophe every second of the day was all I’d ever known.
Once I understood, I stopped missing it. ”
I put my elbow on my knee and rest my chin in my palm as I look at him. “What do you mean by forced silence?”
He runs a hand through my hair, pushing it off my shoulder.
“At basic training, they strip you down emotionally and physically to build you back up the way they want. So when I moved here, I figured that was the best way. Sure, I lived my life. I worked, hung out with friends, and interacted with the community, but when I was at home by myself, I didn’t engage in any distractions.
I worked out, read, and was silent. That’s pretty much it. ”
“You didn’t watch TV? Or scroll the internet? What about porn?”
He laughs. “Nope. Nothing.”
“That’s so hard-core.”
“Back then, hard-core was the only way I knew how to do things.”
“I guess that explains why you’re so well-read and self-aware.”
“It’s an unfortunate side effect.”
“Why unfortunate?”
“Eventually, you know too much and can no longer lie to yourself.” He gives me a sideways glance. “What about you? What happened with that big fancy Chicago firm you worked at?”
I haven’t thought about those early days of my career in forever. “I was caught up in the competition of law school, where everyone is chasing the big job. Then I got the big job, and it didn’t live up to my expectations.”
“What happened?”
“I came home for Christmas and didn’t want to leave.”
“You missed your family?”
“I did. Every Christmas, we go up to this cabin we have in the woods for a few days. We have all these little family traditions, like no phones or computers, and the list of movies we need to watch. The first thing we do when we get there is put on the matching pajamas my mom buys us each year, make spiked hot chocolate and cookies, where we eat half the dough before we even get them into the oven. We play games and listen to Christmas songs and talk about old times.”