Chapter 45
forty-five
BLAIR
The words stick in my throat. If I say them out loud, it makes all of this real. And I really don’t want it to be real.
“Blair, talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
Logan’s gray eyes scan me. His brow is furrowed and his lips are pressed into a firm, thin line.
Those strong hands that have explored every inch of my body flex against my thighs, but there’s nothing sexual about his grip.
It’s like he’s trying to hold himself back from attacking something, but he doesn’t know what the threat is.
The problem is, I don’t really know, either.
“I…” My voice catches. This won’t work. Frustration builds inside of me. If I can’t tell him, I’ll just show him. With shaking hands, I unlock my phone, log in to my work email, and pull up the email from ibyrne4u27. Holding my breath, I hand it to him.
“What is this?”
“Just read it,” I rasp. The moment he takes the phone from my hand, I grab hold of his shirt and hold on tight. I need him to ground me.
With every line Logan reads, his expression grows more severe. By the time he’s done, he’s practically vibrating beneath me, a low, rumbled growl emanating from his chest like some kind of wild animal.
“When did you get this?”
“Right before I came to find you.” I look up at my boyfriend, hoping he knows what to do, because my mind is too chaotic to come up with a plan. Fight-or-flight has kicked in, and all I want to do is grab Reed and run. But I won’t. Can’t.
This is our home now. I have friends, Reed has friends. And even if I wanted to leave Minneapolis, we can’t. I don’t have the money to move us again. Which means I have to do whatever it takes to keep my job safe.
“Is this the first time this person has emailed you?”
I nod. “Yeah, but they’ve posted some photos of us online. And someone’s been commenting on my Instagram photos. It’s not the same username, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t rounded up some minions to do their bidding.”
Logan runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck, angel. Why didn’t you tell me this has been going on?”
“It didn’t seem like a big deal.” I shrug. “And Lexi’s been helping me keep an eye on what they post in the Rogues fan groups. I just thought it was some jealous fan. I’m sure you’ve dealt with stuff like this plenty of times.”
Logan frowns, and it pushes his eyebrows together, creating a wrinkle between them.
I resist the urge to reach out and smooth the skin there.
“I’ve dealt with fans who try to cross boundaries, sure, but this is different, baby.
She threatened you.” He takes a deep breath.
“She emailed me about a month ago. It was…unsettling. The guys thought I should have told the team, but I brushed it off. I think they were right.”
Logan brushes a strand of curls from my face and gently cups my face. “We need to let the organization know what’s going on. They have people that deal with stuff like this. They can look into it and make sure you’re safe.”
My stomach knots. I’m sure they would look into it.
But it would be to keep Logan safe and to make sure none of this spirals out of control and creates a PR issue for them.
After all, they had their fill of those last year when they had to fire Lexi’s dad as head coach.
I highly doubt they’ll be willing to risk another media circus for a Social Impact and Development Coordinator.
“I don’t know if we should tell the team.”
Logan’s frown deepens. “Why not?”
“I haven’t worked for the Rogues that long.” I squirm in his lap. My muscles bunch, ready to run.
“So? What does that have to do with any of this? Someone out there is following us, taking photos, and sending us ominous and threatening emails. They need to know.”
“I can’t lose this job, Logan.” My tone is harsher than I want it to be, but doesn’t he get it?
If I lose this job, Reed and I lose everything.
“Why the hell would you lose your job?”
It’s getting harder and harder to draw breath.
Clinging to Logan’s shirt, I stare into his eyes and beg him to understand.
“I’m the new girl. I just work in social impact.
You’re their star winger. Of course, they’ll do everything they can to protect you, but what do you think’s going to happen to me? ”
“They’ll protect you too.”
I shake my head, forcing Logan to drop his hands from my face. “They won’t. They’ll fire me to avoid any of this getting out to the press. Do you really think I’m worth the potential of a messy public spectacle when the team is doing so well? Because I’m sure they’ll decide I’m not.”
“Bullshit, Blair. The Rogues protect their own.” Logan’s nostrils flare and his jaw ticks. “And you’re a Rogue.”
“I’m an office worker. I’m replaceable. You’ve never worked a corporate office job. You have no idea how easy it is for them to cut you loose at the first sign of drama.” I clutch the base of my throat. Fuck, it’s hard to breathe.
“Do you really think I’d let them fire you?”
I squeeze my eyes closed. The sharpness of his tone cuts right through me. But he doesn’t understand. This isn’t about what I think he would or wouldn’t do. This is about what I need to do to protect Reed, and I’m not convinced running to the Rogues is the answer.
“Blair.”
“You should tell them about the email she sent you. But I’m not telling them about mine.”
He growls out a frustrated sound. “You’re being ridiculous.”
Stiffening on his lap, I will my heart to slow. “This isn’t your decision.”
“The fuck, it’s not. You’re my girlfriend. I’m not going to let some crazy bitch threaten you or Reed.”
A humming builds in my ears. My skin feels too tight. My lungs too small.
“You think that just because I’m your girlfriend, that gives you the right to make decisions for me?”
“What?” Logan recoils like I slapped him. His eyes bounce across my face, his lips parted like he’s about to say more, but nothing comes out.
“I know all of this is new for you, but I don’t need you to ride in like some white knight and save me. I’ve been saving myself for years. Myself and Reed.” My voice rises as my words pick up speed. Still, they have nothing on the speed of my heart. “We don’t need you to save us now.”
“I… Are you fucking serious? That’s not what I’m…” Logan’s words trail off into a strangled sound of distress, then he gently pushes me off his lap. “I’m not trying to white knight you.”
“Could have fooled me.” My insides are practically vibrating. Even as the words leave my mouth, I wish I could shove them back in. I’m lashing out at the wrong person. I know I am, but I can’t seem to stop.
“You’re scared, I get it. But I care about you and Reed, and I refuse to pretend like none of this is happening.” Logan reaches for me hesitantly, like he’s not sure whether I’ll accept his touch or recoil from it.
I’m not so sure right now, either.
I want to crawl back into his lap and bury my face in his neck.
I also want to push him out the door, slam it in his face, curl up on the stained old carpet, and cry.
When Logan cups one side of my face with his hand, and I don’t pull away, he lets out a relieved little gust of air and leans forward.
The warmth of his forehead pressing against mine makes my eyes flutter closed.
The minty scent of his breath fans over my face, warm and familiar.
“If you don’t want to tell the team, that’s fine. But I am.”
“No, Logan. No. This won’t work out the way you think.”
“Dammit, Blair,” he growls. “You’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.”
Every atom of my being draws in on itself.
I’m making this complicated.
And Logan doesn’t do complicated.
In an instant, I see exactly how this will play out.
He’ll tell the team about the emails. Both to him and to me.
The team will rally to his aid, and maybe mine, at first. The stalker will ramp up their attacks on me, possibly pulling Reed deeper into this mess when it’s clear vague threats won’t be enough.
Logan will make a fuss, demanding they do something.
And the team will realize that keeping me on the payroll is more trouble than it’s worth.
They’ll find a reason to let me go, assuring me it has nothing to do with the stalker, of course, and if I’m lucky, I’ll get some kind of severance. But probably not.
Logan will be enraged. He’ll make a scene, stand behind me, and promise to be there.
But when the stress takes over, and I’m too panicked to be fun or have sex, he’ll get tired of me quickly.
After all, Logan never wanted a relationship, and he only thinks he does now because it’s still early days when everything comes easily.
He’ll dump me and I’ll be devastated. So will Reed.
It’s too much. All of this is too much.
Sucking in a too-shallow breath, I pull away from Logan. A calm certainty washes over me. I know what I have to do. Even if I don’t want to do it.
“I don’t think this is going to work.”
Logan rears back, his steely eyes narrowing. “What?”
“This.” I motion between us. “You’re looking for uncomplicated, and that’s never going to be me.
I have too much baggage. Too many responsibilities.
” I suck in a breath, pushing on when Logan opens his mouth to speak.
“I care about you, Logan. A lot. But we want different things.
I know how you feel about marriage and family, and I thought I could be okay with that.
But I grew up watching my parents love each other, and I want what they had. I always have.
“And then there’s Reed. He’s my brother, but he’s also basically my kid.
It’s not fair of me to expect you to change so fully.
You told me that first night we met that you don’t do relationships, and I am very aware that you’ll never do marriage.
So to expect you to commit to me and a kid?
” I shake my head. It almost feels too heavy to move.
Everything feels heavy. Especially my heart. “I’m being selfish.”
“Blair—”
I cut him off. “I can’t risk this job. Considering that and the fact that I’ve always known this relationship has an expiration date, this just doesn’t seem worth it. I have to take care of Reed. He comes first. Even before what I want.”
“Our relationship does not have an expiration date. I care about Reed too. I care about both of you.” Logan reaches for my hands.
His grip is vise-like as he holds them, his gray eyes stormy.
“I won’t let anything happen to either of you.
You won’t lose your job. And even if you did, I’ll take care of you. It’s not like I can’t afford to.”
I can tell he means it, but Noah meant it the first time he told me he’d be there for me after my parents died. People always mean it when they say they’ll be there for you. But when the going gets tough, people tend to get going.
“Logan, it’s sweet that you want to help.
You have no idea how much that means to me.
But it’s not fair of me to expect you to change your mind about something you’ve made so crystal clear.
It’s also not fair of me to keep this going, because Reed and I are going to get hurt.
We both deserve someone who’s all in. Who’s committed. ”
He opens his mouth to protest, but I don’t give him the chance.
“And it’s okay. I’m not saying you have to commit to us. I’m saying I care enough about you to realize that the kindest thing I can do is to be the one to end this. You deserve to have your wishes respected.
“And I have to protect my brother. Reed has already lost so much, you know? I won’t put him through losing someone important again.
And if I let this continue, he’ll get even more attached to you, and it will hurt even more when he loses you.
So maybe we should make sure he doesn’t have a chance to grow more attached. ”
My bones practically creak from how hard Logan holds my hands. His frown is severe as he stares at me. “I am committed. To both of you.”
“I know you think you are.”
“No,” Logan growls. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to tell me what I think or what I mean.”
My heart lurches. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to do right by you and Reed.”
“And who’s doing right by you, huh?”
“Me,” I whisper.
“No.” Logan shakes his head, his blond hair flopping in front of his eyes. He shoves it back with a jerk of his hand. “You’re running scared. And I get it. All of this is scary. But I am committed to you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you or Reed.”
My breathing is shallow and my head is a mess. Why is he fighting me on this? I’m right. Breaking things off between us is the most logical answer. He doesn’t really want this; he just feels like he has to step up. It won’t last.
Shaking my head, I blow out a ragged breath. “I can’t do this right now.”
Logan’s expression is anguished. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I just need some time. I need some time to think. We both do. You say you’re committed, but you deserve time to figure out what you mean by that.”
“You’re breaking up with me.”
It takes every ounce of my will to tug my hands from his. “I’m saying I need time to figure things out. And so do you.”
He shakes his head sharply. “I don’t.”
Rising on unsteady legs, I take a step away from him, even though everything inside me screams to throw myself into his arms.
Head before heart.
Reed’s needs before my own.
“I’m sorry. But I do. Thank you for bringing me home. I’ll call Bryse and arrange to get my car. You don’t need to worry about that.”
“Don’t fucking do this, Blair,” Logan grinds out, standing. He reaches for me, but I take another step back.
“I’m really tired. We can talk more later.”
He stares at me, the air between us growing thick with all the things neither of us is willing to say.
Just when I’m about to break, Logan gives a sharp nod. “Right. We’ll talk more later.”
This time, when he steps toward me, I let him. My eyelids flutter closed as he leans down and brushes the softest kiss across my forehead. He doesn’t say another word as he turns around and walks to the door. Tugging it open, he pauses. I almost call out for him to stay but clamp my lips shut.
With one last look back, Logan walks out the door, closing it quietly between us.
I suck in three ragged breaths, and then I break.