Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
If I hadn't been so calm, I might have slapped him for that.
As it was, I just cocked my head at him again.
“You know I love him. You also know that our love was fostered by God. I cannot control what I feel for Astaroth. Sex is a physical demonstration of love. Therefore, you must also know that I want to make love to him. So why are you saying it like that? Why are you angry with me? I may not control what I feel for him, but I have tried my best to control how I behave toward him. I do that for you. Because I love you more than I love him, and I made vows to you. You are my husband, not Astaroth.”
Tiernan gaped at me.
“Well?” I prompted.
“I . . . yes, you're right. I'm sorry I said that. I think I was channeling Raza for a moment.”
I snorted a laugh. “Thank you.” Well, damn, this whole rational thinking and speaking thing worked. I'd have to remember to try it when I got my bad emotions back. “So, back to Hell's Light. It's luring me to the planet, and I think I know why. It's something I've recently discussed with Star.”
“What's that?”
“The prophecy we found in the caverns. I'm supposed to heal Hell. But because King Tarelor told me that nothing was expected of me, and the Cavern Demons seemed happy in their home, I didn't do anything. So that prophecy has remained unfulfilled.”
“I thought you told Astaroth that he had to fulfill it?”
“I did, but that's not how prophecies work, is it?
You can't foist your fate on someone else.
The planet is calling me back. It wants something from me.
I don't know how to heal it. I can't reveal the existence of Hell's Light or the Cavern Demons to the Surface Demons.
We all took an oath to keep that secret.
But I think I must find a way to get the Cavern Demons to reveal themselves.
Hell is splintered, and half of its residents don't even know it.”
“Hell can wait, Seren. Our world is being poisoned by regret.”
“Yes, you're right.” I took his hand. “I wasn't going to run away, Tiernan. I have to . . .” I trailed off as I remembered another prophecy. Or rather, a premonition.
“Leave,” Tiernan finished for me. “You have to leave. But you're not going yet.”
“Yes. Rowan was right. I've got to go. But I will come back.”
“When? After you've married Astaroth?”
“That will not heal Hell.”
He let out a soft breath.
“But I see the benefits in such an alliance.”
“Seren!”
I held up my hands. “I also see how it would hurt you. You and the others. The benefits do not outweigh the cost. I'm just trying to be honest with you, as you've requested.”
“Great fuck, it's that blight. How much of your guilt did it take?”
“All the guilt I had over Star, and I'm glad for it. You should understand. You've had the clarity I'm experiencing. You know how wonderful it is.”
“Yes, and I'm trying to remember that it won't last.”
“I like it. I see why the old Kings and Queens of Seelie willingly pruned themselves. I still feel love, but without pain holding me back.” I cupped his cheek. “It's pure now.”
He took my hand and lowered it. “That's what it seems like. But when all of your feelings return, you'll understand that the good cannot be fully felt without the bad. That guilt kept you ours, Seren. Without it, I don't want you going to Astaroth.”
“Why not? I'm better equipped to deal with him now. I can feel love for him without it tempting me.”
Tiernan grimaced. “But will you not feel more inclined to be with him without guilt holding you back?”
“No. As I said, it would hurt you more than it's worth.”
“I still don't want you going to Hell until you regain yourself.”
“I am more myself now than before.”
“That's the lie the blight feeds you. Look upon that with your clarity, Seren. Perhaps in the past, the Garden was something helpful, but it has mutated. It's starving, and starving beasts do not hunt kindly.”
My own words, shouted at the King of Whiners, came back to me then. “There is no happiness without sorrow.”
Tiernan blinked. “Yes. Yes, that's it! It's the contrast that makes our emotions real. Happiness is brighter against the darkness of pain. And love may be pure without guilt, but it isn't as powerful. Our mistakes make us who we are. Take them away, and we're just shells of gray.” He waved at me.
“Shells of gray,” I murmured. “That's why my magic has two sides—Light and Dark.”
“Yes, together, they are stronger.”
“The Licho knew only darkness. So when that was taken from them, the small light within them could finally shine. That's why they were happy. The blight balanced them. But the Iele and Anthousai were not out of balance. So, they became like me.”
“No, they were worse because they had too much taken from them.”
“And the Basty had their sustenance taken from them. The blight basically starved them.”
“Yes. All fairies are unique. The blight affects them differently.” Tiernan took my hand. “I don't want you to suffer, Seren. But I want you to feel all that your soul needs you to feel.”
I nodded. “My soul. Yes, that's where emotions stem from, and taking those emotions, even if it's only the bad ones, is going against who I truly am. I am not myself right now. My soul has been pruned. But I will use this clarity against the Garden.” I looked out toward the forest. “We know where it's hiding, Tiernan. Now, we will be the unkind hunters.”