Chapter Thirty-One
I woke to . . . nothing. All was peaceful.
Even Tiernan slept with a soft expression beside me.
I stared up at his dome of shadows and smiled.
It was nice to know his magic was watching over me.
I blinked. Nice. It felt nice. Okay, now to see if something could feel bad.
How did I feel about Star? As soon as I thought of him, an image of him sprawled naked in his bed came to mind. Oh, that was very nice.
Nope, not a lick of guilt. And I didn't feel bad about not feeling bad either.
“Seren?” Tiernan waved a hand, and the darkness protecting us vanished, replaced by sunlight.
“I haven't recovered yet, but I feel a little more self-aware.”
He nodded and sat up. “Do you want to go back today?”
I sat up too. “Yes.”
“Are you sure you're ready to face the Garden again?” Tiernan grimaced. “I feel useless.”
“But you aren't. I'll coat our swords in Light again. You and our soldiers can hold off any briar warriors the Garden manifests. Meanwhile, I'll find the Garden and blast it.”
“That didn't work so well yesterday.”
“Today, I'll send Light ahead of me when I take corners.”
“All right.” He was about to say more when my scry phone chimed.
I answered it, expecting one of my husbands, but the crystal remained misty.
“Seren?” Star's voice came through.
Tiernan rolled his silver eyes. “What happened to being confident that she'd come to you?”
“Can we speak privately?”
“No, you cannot speak privately with my wife, King Astaroth.” Tiernan leaned over the scry phone.
“Tiernan, I needed to speak to him anyway.”
“Not alone.”
“Fine!” Star growled. “I need you to come to Hell at once, Seren. There have been—son of a bitch!” A rumbling sound drowned him out.
“Star?” I scowled at Tiernan until he sat back. “Star, what's going on?”
“Earthquakes,” Star said. “They started when you started blocking your dreams. And they're getting more intense. I can't explain it, but I have a feeling this is about you.”
“That doesn't surprise me.”
A pause. Then, “Excuse me? You sound strange. Has something happened?”
“She was touched by the blight,” Tiernan said. “You're getting the rational, unemotional Seren.”
“That's not completely true. I still have emotions, they're just not as strong.”
“Hold on. Blight? What blight?” Star demanded.
“You haven't told him about the blight?” Tiernan asked.
“No, we haven't spoken long enough for me to get to it.”
“What blight?!” Star growled.
“We're having an issue with an ancient garden that was made to take the bad emotions of our royals,” Tiernan explained.
“It hasn't been used in centuries, and has been starving, unknown to us.
Recently, it has crept up through the ground and across the Seelie Kingdom, covering entire villages in dark tendrils that steal a person's darker emotions.”
“What the fuck?” Star whispered.
“We've located the Garden,” I added. “The only magic that has worked on it is Anu's Light. So, I'm going in today and burning the whole damn thing.”
“But Tiernan said you were touched by it,” Star's voice went worried. “What does that mean?”
“It took some of my sorrow and guilt. I feel great, very clear-headed, but I know I'm not myself. I think this is a good opportunity for us. I can go to Hell and fulfill the prophecy without getting entangled in something romantic.”
“Entangled? We are already entangled.”
“Yes, but that's Hell's doing.”
“What?”
“I'm sorry, Star, I've gotten ahead of myself. We're in a Basty village right now. I cleared it of the blight yesterday. The Basty are nightmare givers. They're very in tune with dream energy. One of them noticed the energy on me and looked deeper. He saw what's been sending us our dreams.”
“He saw what is sending the dreams, not who?”
“Yes, it's the Light of Hell.”
Silence.
“Star?”
“Hell's Light is sending us dreams? Shared sex dreams? From the magical energy source of the planet?”
“Yes, I think it sensed our bond and attraction for each other and determined it was the simplest way to lure me back.”
Star snorted. “That failed.”
“Yes, but now that I know why we're getting these dreams, that it's Hell encouraging me to fulfill the prophecy and not something menacing, I can return.”
His voice went eager, “You will? You'll come to Hell?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you, Seren. I'm losing my mind here. Nothing I do is calming the quakes.”
“I imagine the Light of Hell is increasing its efforts. They'll probably cease as soon as I arrive. But I have to take care of this blight first.”
“How long will that take?”
“Oh, I'm sorry the blight of regret threatening our planet is cutting into your schedule,” Tiernan drawled.
“My planet is in jeopardy as well, King Tiernan. But you're right, and I apologize. I'm just on edge.” Astaroth sighed deeply. “Your threat is worse. Of course, you need to handle your problem first. But then please, come to Hell.”
“We will,” Tiernan said.
“Tiernan, I'm going alone,” I said.
“Is that what you think?”
“It's what's going to happen.”
“Seren, there is no way—”
I cut him off. “How will any of you ever trust me again if I don't do this alone?”
Tiernan stared at me.
“I won't betray you.”
“I promise not to attempt anything romantic with your queen, King Tiernan,” Star added.
“At first, the dreams were incredible. But they're not real, and every morning I woke without her hurt.
That pain has compounded. I was going mad until you found a way to protect us.
I love her. You know that. I wish we could be together, but it just won't work.
Honestly, I just want this to be over. I need it to be over. I can't rule like this.”
Tiernan grimaced. “All right. But the others may not agree with me.”
I nodded. “That's why I'll leave without telling them.”
“Seren!”
“It will be easier that way. I may be back before they know I'm gone.”
“I'm not going to lie to them.”
“Who are you more loyal to?”
Tiernan blinked. “What did you say?”
“It's a simple question—one that I have pushed aside too many times because I was afraid of your answer. I'm not afraid anymore. So, tell me. Who are you loyal to first, above all others? Them or me?”
Star did something very wise and remained silent.
“You, of course. You have always been first. I only care about them because of you.”
“And yet, it doesn't feel like that lately.
I'm your wife—something you keep brandishing about like a sword when you're angry.
You stab it at Astaroth and threaten me with it when I do something you don't like. The five of you band together against me. It has gotten so bad that when you were touched by the blight and took my side against Raza, I knew there was something wrong with you. Wrong. With. You. For supporting me. How fucked up is that, Tiernan?”
Expression horrified, Tiernan whispered, “Seren.”
“I'm done with standing alone against my husbands.” I frowned, annoyed that I didn't feel angrier about it.
But I didn't need to feel my anger to know that this was right.
It was long overdue. “Show me loyalty, be true to me first, or we're going to need some serious therapy before I touch you again.”
“Great Goddess, Seren! You don't get to throw out ultimatums at me. I'm your husband. I have proven my loyalty to you over and over.” He got out of bed. “I have been the most understanding and patient of your husbands, but after the clarity I received from the blight, I'm rethinking my stance.”
“That is my point. You only supported me when you were clear-headed.”
“I'm still clear-headed, Seren! I just feel more!”
“All right. And your feelings say that you should stop being patient and understanding with your wife?”
“Don't twist what I say.” He pointed at me.
“I don't have to explain myself. You know all of this.
As you also know we have not banded together against you.
We all feel the same way and want the same things from you.
That is not banding together against you.
That is having feelings and expressing them.
I'm trying to remember that you're not yourself right now, but it's hard when you verbally attack me. My loyalty is not the one in question.”
“Oh, fuck,” Star muttered.
But I didn't take offense to that. I saw it as the truth it was.
“Yes, I have pushed the boundaries of loyalty with my relationship with Star.
And I've blamed the Gods for it. Maybe it's not their fault.
Maybe I am an inconstant woman. It certainly feels that way.
When I'm with you, I'm utterly enthralled by you.
No one else matters. All I want is to have a life with you alone.
But then I go to Raza, and it's the same.
Killian, Dax, and Sever—I'm so in love with each of you that being with anyone else seems impossible.
But then I meet someone else, and I'm fascinated by them.
When I'm with Star, it feels as if we have something unique.
We are fated and connected in a way that I don't have with any of you. Then I go into your arms and never want to leave. That sounds fickle to me. Or simply insane.”
Tiernan's expression fell.
“Oh, fuck,” Star repeated with more heat.
“Is this a reverse psychology trick?” Tiernan hissed. “Are you trying to get me to defend you?”
“No.” I stood up. “I'm trying to figure myself out. I know this is the perfect opportunity for me to see myself clearly. So, let's take a look at Seren, shall we?”
“Seren, don't do this,” Star said. “Tiernan's right. You're not yourself.”
“Yes, I know, Star. That's the point I just made. What better time to analyze myself than when I'm not myself? I can finally be unbiased. Now, please, be quiet while I unpack my mental luggage.” I set the phone down on the bed and stood up to pace to the window.
My ward was still up, so when I opened the curtains, I couldn't be sure if it was sunny or just Anu's Light.
A black stove sat in one corner of the room instead of a fireplace, its feet set on a slab of stone and a thick pipe running from it up to the ceiling.
I stared at the fire burning within it, safe behind a glass panel, and delved deep into myself.
“Seren? Tiernan came over to me.
I looked up at him. “Fairies don't have a problem with polyamory. You have often said that to me.”
“Yes,” he said hesitantly.
“I fought it because of how I was raised. I felt guilty.” With a tone of epiphany, I went on, “I have always felt guilty for loving more than one man.
Even as I made marriage vows to you, I felt guilty.
I couldn't speak the same words that you did.
I couldn't offer you the same fidelity. That has eaten at my soul, Tiernan.
I felt guilty for your commitment to me, when mine is divided.
And then I was taken to Heaven, and it was like I had a new start.
A clean slate. I was so relieved, and I couldn't understand why. I had no memory of my past, but I felt wonderful. It was the lack of guilt. Being with Severriel was easy. Pure. Then all of you came for me, and I had to remember who I was.”
Tiernan gaped at me. “Are you saying you wish we'd never gone to Heaven to rescue you?”
“No. I'm saying that my time there should have been a clue.
I should have looked deeper into my emotions.
But I was so overwhelmed with guilt again.
I had too much love in my life. Beautiful children, adoring husbands, and magical homes.
I didn't deserve any of it. It's why I've worked so hard, helping all the races. Going back to Earth to work for Anu when he called. Subconsciously, I thought if I could just prove that I was worthy of all of you—all of this—I would be happy. The guilt would go away.”
“Seren, no,” Tiernan whispered.
“Uh . . . I'm going to end the scry now,” Star said.
“I'll see you soon, Star.” I went back to the bed and swished a finger over the crystal.
Closing the case, I looked up at Tiernan.
“I don't feel like that now. The burden of unworthiness and guilt is gone.
I'm starting to think that it's worth not feeling love as intensely. Maybe I should give the Garden what it wants.”
“Stop that!” Tiernan grabbed me by my upper arms and shook me.
“Relax. I wasn't serious.” With a palm to his chest, I pushed Tiernan away. “I know I can't give my guilt to the Garden. That's a coward's way out. I'll feel it again, but now I know better. Now, I know that I don't deserve it, so maybe I can let it go.”
“What are you saying, Seren?”
“Something must change, Tiernan. I can't do this anymore.”
As the last words left my mouth, a boom came. It shook the ground and buildings. Glass rattled. Dust drifted from the rafters.
“What the fuck was that?” Tiernan looked toward the window.
“That's the King knocking on our door.” I followed his stare. “My needs will have to wait. Again.”