Chapter 15
EMMA
When Rachel opened the door, I was completely drenched.
‘What the hell happened to you?’ she said, bundling me inside. I stood dripping all over her beautiful tiled hallway while she ran to find a towel.
‘Here,’ she said.
I rubbed it over my hair and down my arms, then slipped my soaking wet trainers off.
‘Thanks,’ I said.
She stood watching me, not making a move.
‘Are you going to tell me what’s happened or should I try and guess?’ she said.
‘Can we go inside?’
A frown flitted across her forehead but then she nodded and motioned for me to follow her into the kitchen.
‘Iain’s taken the kids to soft play so we’ve got the place to ourselves.
’ I climbed onto a bar stool and waited as Rachel flicked the kettle on and found some mugs.
Then she turned round and folded her arms across her chest. ‘So come on, out with it. Are you finally going to spill the details about your date?’
Her question took me by surprise. In the excitement of everything that had happened with Nick, I’d completely forgotten about the date with Aaron. Rachel had messaged me for details a couple of times, but I hadn’t replied yet, unsure what to tell her. Now, the game was up.
‘No,’ I said, leaning against the counter. My heart thumped wildly in my chest and I stared down at my hands clenched in front of me. ‘It’s about Nick.’
‘Nick? But I thought…’ She let out a sigh of frustration and I looked up at her.
‘That we’d agreed to date other people?’
‘Exactly.’ She peered at me. ‘Did you even go on the date with Aaron?’
‘I did. And it was fine. He was lovely.’
‘So what’s happened?’
‘I slept with Nick.’
The silence that filled the room was deafening. The kettle reached its crescendo and clicked off, and the rain pounded against the window. Rachel pulled out a stool and sat down.
‘I’m sorry, what? When?’
‘Last night. And it was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me,’ I said, my voice cracking.
‘So how…’ She rubbed her hand over her face and shook her head. ‘How is that even possible?’
‘I honestly have no idea.’
She stared at me, then a grinned spread across her face. ‘Oh my God.’
‘I know.’ I felt laughter bubble up inside me and burst out. Before I knew it, we were both laughing uncontrollably, tears rolling down our faces. Just as I thought it was about to stop, I’d look at Rachel and start all over again.
Finally, it began to subside and I tried to regain some control. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, wiping away my tears.
She stood suddenly. ‘Forget tea, we need a proper drink,’ she said, and marched over to the fridge. ‘Bottle of Prosecco all right? There’s not much else, unless you want a Fruit Shoot?’
‘Prosecco is good,’ I said.
Drinks poured, Rachel sat back down opposite me. ‘Now, what is it you need my help with?’
I took a gulp, preparing myself. ‘I want to look for him.’
‘But… didn’t he ask you not to?’
‘Yes, he did. And I understand his reasons. But things have changed now. We slept together, Rach, and it was… it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It was mind-blowing.’
‘That’ll be the twenty years between you, it’s the best way to have mind-blowing sex. I read it in Cosmo.’
‘It’s not funny.’
She looked at me and shook her head. ‘God I’m sorry, Ems. I’m just bloody jealous.’
‘Jealous? What on earth of?’
She shrugged and didn’t meet my eye. ‘Mind-blowing sex.’ She let out a sigh. ‘It’s been a while since me and Iain… you know.’
‘Oh Rach,’ I said, reaching across and covering her hand with mine. ‘It’ll just be a blip. You’re great together.’
‘Yeah, I know. I just feel so… deeply unsexy all the time.’
‘You, unsexy? You’re kidding me right? You’re the sexiest woman I know. If I wasn’t straight I’d definitely want to screw you.’
She finally looked at me and smiled. ‘Thanks, Em. But I definitely wouldn’t want to shag you.’
I laughed. ‘Charming. I’m serious though. This situation, it’s nothing to be jealous of. It’s torture.’
‘I know. And I’m sorry for making this about me.’
‘Don’t be daft.’
She pulled her hand away and took a sip of her wine. ‘Anyway, tell me more. What exactly do you want to do? What’s the aim?’
I knew what she meant. If 1999 Nick had asked me not to look for him, then he was unlikely to be open to me turning up on his doorstep in 2019 either.
Chances are he would slam the door in my face or, worse, seeing him in real life now would somehow break the spell between us.
Plus, of course, there was the other possibility to consider: if Nick hadn’t tried to look for me in 2019, then he was right – there was a strong chance that it was because he wasn’t around any more.
And yet I couldn’t get the idea out of my mind and I knew that, unless I tried, I never would.
‘I need to look for him. I can’t live the rest of my life wondering whether we could have made a go of things.’
‘What if you do find him and he’s angry with you?’
I’d thought about it. Of course I had. ‘Then I’ll just have to accept that.’
‘And if we can’t find him? What will you do then?’
Her meaning hung heavy in the air, the elephant in the room.
‘Then I’ll deal with it.’
Rachel studied me a moment longer, then nodded. ‘Then let’s do it.’
An hour later, I closed Rachel’s laptop with trembling hands. A heavy weight pressed on my heart, and I took a deep, shaky breath in.
‘Drink this.’ Rachel put a glass of something amber in front of me and without even asking what it was I tipped it down my throat. It burned, like a fire inside me.
‘I should have listened to him.’
She wrapped her arms around me from behind and pressed her cheek against my back. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered.
A tear tracked down my cheek and I swiped it away. I had no right to cry about this. It was all my own doing.
I’d been so sure I was doing the right thing, looking for Nick in 2019.
I’d been so confident that he would be fine, that he’d be living his best life and that I’d find out all kinds of details of what he’d been up to over the last twenty years.
Despite what I’d said, the worst I’d imagined was that he’d be happily married and I’d have to live knowing he was unattainable.
But I could handle that. It was the not-knowing I couldn’t handle.
But that’s not what our search had found.
Just like last time, his name didn’t bring anything up at all, so we’d narrowed it down, typing in ‘teacher’ and ‘London’.
And then I’d seen it. A few pages down, but there it was.
An article in the local paper, dated 13 March 2006.
Local teacher named as victim of fatal Euston train crash
I’d known even before I clicked on it what I was going to see, but by then there was no choice but to find out more.
And when the page loaded, my breath had left my body.
Because there was a photo of Nick, smiling into the camera, his hair shorter than now, his face slightly more lined, but undeniably Nick.
It was the caption underneath that took my breath from me: ‘Popular maths teacher Nick Flynn died at the scene in the Euston train crash on Sunday.’
I couldn’t speak.
Rachel pulled away from me and dragged a bar stool over to sit beside me. She pushed my hair back from my face and tucked it behind my ear.
‘What have I done?’ I whispered.
‘You couldn’t have known.’
‘But he specifically asked me not to. He said he didn’t want to know. And this is why.’
‘You don’t have to tell him.’
I shook my head. ‘I won’t tell him. But I don’t know…’ I sniffed. ‘I don’t know whether I can keep this from him. I don’t think I’m that good an actor.’
I tried to picture how I would act when I saw Nick again as arranged the following day.
Would I be able to pretend nothing had changed, that I hadn’t found out anything?
I mean, I hadn’t mentioned that I was going to look him up again.
And if I’d found him and gone to look for him in real life then I hadn’t even planned to tell him that either, but just wait for him to discover it when he got to 2019.
But this was different. This was huge.
How could I keep it from him, that he was going to die?
And yet at the same time, I also knew that I could never tell him. Because knowing it would destroy his life.
I realised I was crying, huge, uncontrollable sobs wracking my body, and Rachel pulled me to her and held me and let me cry. I didn’t think I was ever going to stop.
Why hadn’t I listened to Nick? I’d ruined everything.
For the first time since I’d met Nick, I was nervous about seeing him. We’d arranged to meet on Monday at 5 p.m. as usual, but I was early, pacing up and down in front of the bandstand trying to work out how to arrange my face.
‘You can do this,’ Rachel had assured me when she rang before I left.
‘I’m not sure I can,’ I said.
But if I wanted to keep seeing Nick, which I desperately did, then I had to get this right.
I checked my phone again. Three minutes to five.
I took a deep breath, walked up the path and stepped up onto the bandstand.
He wasn’t here.
I sat, my leg jiggling beneath me. I hated waiting, and it was even worse that I had no way of checking to see if he was on his way. My leg continued to bounce and I hung my head between my knees.
That’s how I was sitting when Nick arrived.
‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ he said, bursting onto the bandstand full of nervous energy.
He was soaked through, his hair plastered to his head, his shirt sticking to his body.
‘It started pissing it down just as I left work but I didn’t have time to go home and change.
’ When he finally looked at me, he frowned.
‘Is everything okay? I really am sorry for being late.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said, forcing a smile. ‘I just didn’t sleep very well last night.’
‘Oh no.’ He sat down beside me, water dripping from his hair into his eyes. He looked so handsome I wanted to lean over and kiss him, but held myself back. ‘Do you want to go home and get some sleep? We could do this tomorrow instead?’