Chapter 30
NICK
‘Your grandad’s been taken to hospital with pneumonia,’ she said. ‘I don’t like to leave him on his own but I’m away this weekend. Your brother said he’d go on Saturday, so would you pop to see him on Sunday?’
So that was why I was on a train on a Sunday morning.
‘Of course,’ I said. What else could I have said?
Besides, there were so many things I could do to avoid that particular train if I chose to listen to Emma’s warning. Get an earlier train. Get a later one. Drive, take a bus. It would be fine.
When the day arrived I got up and dressed. I packed my rucksack and left the house, planning to catch an earlier train. Surely that would shift the narrative enough to change whatever was about to happen?
But, halfway to the station I stopped dead, inexplicably.
It was as though an invisible force had physically stopped me from going any further, and my legs just wouldn’t take me there.
I perched on a nearby wall and took a couple of deep breaths.
Was I being stupid, considering getting on any train this morning?
No matter my views on interfering with the future, Emma had sent me a warning for a reason.
Was I a fool to even consider ignoring her?
I sat there for ten minutes trying to decide what to do. The train I was planning to catch left, and I knew I wasn’t going to go. I stood and hurried back to my house and climbed into bed.
A text from Andy came through at 8.52 a.m.
Andy
Give Grandad my love, he seemed a bit better yesterday.
Nick
Sorry I’m ill today so I haven’t gone. Don’t want to give Grandad anything. I’ll pop and see him tomorrow instead.
Andy
FFS, Nick, Mum only asked you for one thing. You need to pull yourself together.
‘Fuck you!’ I screamed into the air, then I popped a couple of sleeping pills and pulled the duvet over my head.
I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. I picked it up and saw Amanda’s name on it. Half-asleep, I answered it and put her on speaker phone.
‘Hello?’
But she didn’t say anything and for a minute I wondered whether she’d hung up before I answered. But the call was still connected. And then I heard it; a strange, strangled sound.
‘Amanda, are you there?’ I sat up, my head pounding.
She made a sound but there were no clear words. And then I heard one:
‘Andy.’
My stomach plummeted. Suddenly, I was agonisingly, terrifyingly alert.
‘Amanda, has something happened?’
‘Andy… hospital… train… news…’ The words came out in gasps as though she couldn’t catch her breath.
Heart thudding, I clambered across the bed and snatched the remote from the bedside table and switched on the TV.
Images of a mangled train filled the screen, a ticker-tape of doom racing across the bottom and a reporter standing near the scene.
The train I was supposed to get on.
A sense of dread filled me as I said the next words, ice filling my veins.
‘Amanda, did Andy get on the train this morning?’
‘Yes. He said he was going to see your grandad again because you couldn’t. I… I can’t get hold of him.’ The words were more a strangled sob, and in that second my world fell apart.
Angry with me, Andy had gone to see Grandad instead of me.
He had got on the train.
And it was my fault.
Bile rose in my throat and I swallowed it down. I needed to stay strong, help Amanda get through this. I needed to step up and help her get hold of her husband. My brother.
‘I’m coming over,’ I said.
I was on her doorstep within minutes, and she fell into my arms. When she looked up at me her face was red and blotchy, her eyes puffy. ‘I don’t want the girls to know there’s anything wrong,’ she whispered, glancing behind her.
‘Let’s get inside, I’ll sort them out,’ I said, leading her back in. Always so capable, she seemed frail now, as though the life had been sucked from her. I sat her down at the kitchen table and poured her a glass of water.
‘Drink this. I’ll go and see to the girls.’
I ran up the stairs and knocked on Imogen’s door first, not wanting to just walk in on her now she was fifteen.
She didn’t answer so I pushed the door slightly open and peered round.
She was sitting on her bed, headphones in, listening to music on her MP3 player.
She looked up and smiled when she saw me.
‘Hi, Uncle Nick,’ she said, pulling her headphones off. ‘I didn’t know you were coming round today.’
‘I wasn’t. I just came to ask your mum something.’
‘Ah right.’ Thank goodness for uncurious teenagers.
‘Anyway, get back to your music, I just wanted to say hi,’ I said, backing out of the door.
‘See you later,’ she said, and I closed the door behind me. At least she was fine.
Ella’s door was slightly open and I could hear pop music, tinny, as though it was being played through a computer. I tapped a couple of times and stepped inside. Ella was standing in front of the mirror practising a dance move and her face lit up when she saw me, and she threw her arms around me.
‘Hey you,’ I said, kissing the top of her head.
‘I’m just practising for the show next week,’ she said, pulling away from me. She loved dancing and I’d been to see her countless times in shows over the years. I felt guilty that I’d been so self-absorbed that I hadn’t known she had one coming up.
‘Ah right. Am I coming to see it?’ I said.
She shrugged. ‘Dad didn’t know, but I think he got you a ticket.’
‘Oh good, I’ll definitely come then,’ I said.
‘Do you want to see my routine?’
‘Tell you what, let’s keep it as a surprise for the show, shall we?’ I said.
‘Yeah, okay.’ She turned away and I took it as my cue to leave.
‘I’ll see you in a bit then.’
‘Bye, Uncle Nick.’
As I walked down the stairs I could hear Amanda’s voice and I hurried back to the kitchen with my heart in my throat to find her ending a call. The look on her face sent a chill down my spine.
‘Who was that?’ I said, collapsing into a chair opposite her.
‘The police,’ she said. ‘They’ve found Andy’s phone.’
I stared at her for a minute, trying to process it. ‘You mean…?’
‘They think he might still be in the train.’
‘Alive?’
Her face crumpled before she could speak and I stood on shaking legs and rushed to her side, wrapping her in a hug. I was desperate to find out more, to know whether Andy had made it, but for now all either of us could do was wait.
‘This is my fault,’ I whispered into her head.
‘No,’ she said, forcefully, looking up at me. Her face was red and blotchy.
‘He was angry with me. I should have gone.’
‘He was never angry with you, Nicky, not really. He was worried about you. Is worried about you.’ We both noticed the correction but said nothing.
The next few hours were like a nightmare unfolding.
By the end of the day police had called back and confirmed that Andy’s body had been pulled from the wreckage of the train.
They sent someone round, a family liaison officer, but Amanda and I had already broken the news to the girls before they got there.
It was the worst thing I’d ever had to do, watching the look on those girls’ faces as they realised that their dad was never coming home.
‘Uncle Nick?’ Ella said, looking to me for some sort of reassurance. But all I could do was wrap my arms around them both and let them cry until there were no more tears left to cry.