8. Lovette
Chapter 8
Lovette
I gasped, pulse galloping in my ears as I turned to stare at him, hand clutching at the fabric of my tunic over my twisted up, aching heart.
I’d killed those guards. I was ready to take down as many of the others as I could, too, and I barely recognized myself because of it. My parents had trained me just the same as my siblings, though I’d been excused from fighting lessons at a certain point because of my aptitude for healing. But somehow, I retained plenty of muscle memory when it came to my blade.
Oddly, the fact that I’d killed three people wasn’t the most concerning thing at the moment. When Gaius swept me up into his arms, my chest had flared hot, like I’d swallowed one of the bright-white embers in Imogen’s forge furnace—the ones that looked pretty but held enough heat to liquify metal. My ribs squeezed tight, choking off my breath and making me feel panicky, like the powerful organ that kept me upright and mobile might not beat normally ever again. Like I might be dying.
His ranting was a muted din in my ears, competing against the throb of my heart and the white noise of blood rushing in my ears. “What were you thinking, Lovette? Every time I think you understand how dangerous things are, you prove me wrong! Following me tonight was beyond reckless, it was?—”
“You’re welcome ,” I snarled, my messy emotions boiling over. “Those guards were as much a threat to you as to me. I certainly didn’t take their lives for fun .”
“I could have taken care of it! I would happily have taken a few rogue stabs to complete my mission. But you… you shouldn't have been there! I would never ask you to kill for me?—”
“You didn’t ask. I just did what I needed to. Besides?—”
“You’re not meant for killing at all, or any part of that life! You’re far too good for it. My hands are already irredeemably filthy, Little Dove, it should fall to me. Especially because I’m—” He cut himself off with a low swear, running a hand roughly through his long hair.
My heartbeat thudded in my ears. “You’re what, Gaius?”
The man was having a battle with himself, pacing several stilted steps back and forth as his fingers tugged on his hair. His words were muted, but heated. I caught several mumbled not’s and can’t’s . Don’t deserve and impossible both came up at least once.
“You’re what, Gaius?” I repeated, throat tight in frustration.
“Fuck it all anyway.” He limped forward in two long strides, palms holding either side of my face as he crashed his mouth to mine. An ownerless groan tangled in the breath between us.
His warm lips moved against mine, everything inside me going still as I fell into the moment. My eyes closed reflexively, and as he swept along my lips with his tongue, I disappeared into a glowing warm ball of sensation. Nothing felt real. My chest was molten, my ribs barely contained the beats of my heart as it surged, reaching for him. It all suddenly made a terrible kind of sense, and my insides twisted up in shock. This was Gaius , and he was kissing me, and I was composed of nothing more than starlight and need and?—
Abruptly, he broke the kiss. Out of surprised reflex, I raised my arm and slapped his cheek with a firm crack . I was stunned with the revelation I’d had and angry he’d left me hanging on that horrible precipice of desire, especially after shouting at me.
I probably should have been angry he kissed me at all, but that was the least bothersome part of it all.
Gaius scrubbed a hand across his face, eyes wide. “Lovette, I?—”
“You’re my mate.” The declaration landed between us, heavy with meaning. It stopped him in his tracks. His throat worked as he considered more words. He swallowed, but said nothing further. Azure eyes wide, he regarded me with equal parts fear and frustration.
Gaius had backed up a pace, but had a hand reached out as if defending himself against another blow. Or, perhaps, he’d simply stopped himself from grabbing onto me again. Or maybe he was halfway to throttling the life out of me for showing up and endangering not only myself but him too. I’d forced him to make a choice he shouldn’t have had to make and inadvertently spared someone who might have been better off removed from existence. It was hard to say much of anything for sure in that moment.
Tears threatened again, my throat burning as I blinked several times. I wasn’t sad, just overwhelmed. Something like relief pressed in with joy ballooning under it all. Fated mate matches were revered and precious. I had of course hoped that one day I would be part of one. I always assumed even those who acted indifferent to being paired with someone secretly longed to be chosen a match by the fates. But this match? Entirely improbable and unpredictable.
Gaius lowered his arm and just stood there, watching me as I sifted through the emotions crashing into me one after another. Frustration rose up, loud among the noise in my head, as I deciphered the expression he wore on his face.
“You already knew?”
He closed his eyes, blowing out a breath through his nose, hand rubbing at his arm again. “I suspected. But it was my problem to manage. You’ve seemed… unaffected by it so far, and I was alright just ignoring it.” He swallowed, eyes squinting as though he tasted something bad. “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”
Disappointment stung, leaving my cheeks prickling and hands trembling. Is that how he saw me? A problem to be managed? Did he regret the kiss altogether or just having done it the way he had?
I breathed in and out slowly, trying to clear my head. Since when did I care if Gaius Caledon found me attractive or skilled or any of the other things one looks for in a potential partner? I felt as though I were trapped between a dream and awake, nothing making sense yet everything suddenly clear.
“What do we do?”
He huffed. “Nothing.”
“Nothing? How can we do nothing? Fated matches can’t be ignored.”
“Of course they can.” He grimaced and rubbed the heel of his hand across his chest.
I was still spiraling through a myriad of emotions while I stared at him, his brutal beauty only enhanced by the sadness that crept through his stern expression.
“No, they can’t, Gaius. Eventually, one or both of us will go mad. You know that. How long have you suspected?”
“Long enough. No matter how I tried to explain it away as something else. Anything else.” He sighed and stepped back enough to lower himself to the bed. He suddenly seemed tired. Like he’d been carrying the weight of the whole world and had finally set it down for just a moment.
“Do you find me that distasteful?” I asked, a blush heating my face the moment the words were out. I couldn’t believe I’d even given them voice, allowed my insecurity to slip out.
He chuckled but there was no humor in it. “No, Little Dove. Saints help me, I swear I don’t.” He looked out the small window. “There are many reasons this could never work, but nearly none of them have anything to do with you, nor how I find you to be.”
I hated that I wanted my ego stroked a bit more, but I still asked, “Like what?”
He barked a rough noise and raked his fingers through his hair, the long tresses falling right back over his face. “I’m as old as your father to start. Three times your age. More than.”
I snorted. “I can’t imagine that actually matters all that much. We both reached adulthood ages ago. Does anything significant change beyond the first century?”
“I will not justify that with a response.”
“So you don’t think so either then.”
“ Lovette .” He sighed deeply, like I was the one being ridiculous.
“Gaius,” I mocked. “This doesn’t have to be a… painful proposition. We could learn to like each other even,” I smirked, trying to joke, but it didn’t land as I hoped. Truth was, the irritating man had actually grown on me quite a lot the past several weeks. “The only alternative is for one of us to go as far away from the other as possible. And even then, eventually, we’d be headed for madness. Unless”—I swallowed—“we have the bond broken somehow? If that’s even possible. We know several mages and sorcerers we could ask, but I’m guessing the only real solution is death.” My natural inclination to cover my emotions with sarcasm sprang up strong but only made me feel worse. I bit my tongue.
He dropped his face into his palms and scrubbed for a moment. “Is this some kind of test? Are you about to ask if I’d die for you, Little Dove?” His eyes met mine when he finally looked back up.
I couldn’t breathe. He’d called me that before, but I hadn’t really paid attention. The pet name feathered along a place inside me I hadn’t known I needed touched. Between that and the power in his gaze, the question stole both my air and my attitude. “Maybe.”
His mouth twitched. I could feel his answer in my bones, the fear that chased after it like a shot of adrenaline. To fix this, he’d let me take his life if that’s what I wanted. It was ludicrous.
As I gaped at him, he said, “I’ve asked for death on several occasions, begged for it even, but I can only imagine none of those other times will compare to how badly I’ll want to be removed from this plane once your father finds out we’re mates. And I can’t even blame him for the reaction he’s bound to have.”
My skin flared hot, anger and shame warring. I hated that he might be right, even more that it shouldn’t make any difference. “My father has no say in the matter. Even he wouldn’t argue over something beyond our control. He would be happy for me if I was pleased with the match.”
His lips curled up, the smile a sharp, angry curve. “Do you really think he’ll be pleased that the fates have matched his lovely youngest daughter with an old, broken former general? A man with no employment, no family? A man who’s only gained loyalty through fear? Who’s done deplorable things over and over again in the name of duty?” He blinked, as though saying the words hurt his own feelings a little.
I knew several soldiers who had been under his command, and they did not follow him only because they were afraid. He was far more than he made himself out to be in some areas and also far less. I realized right then how little Gaius actually thought of himself, how skewed his view was when he looked in the mirror.
“ General Magnus Aurichal will not take kindly to his brilliant healer child being matched with a man such as me. A man he’s held a century-long grudge with. Someone unforgivable for reasons a person as kindhearted as you cannot begin to comprehend.”
I knew my father well enough to believe Gaius was not only wrong about him, but that they could work things out between themselves. Of course, that meant they had to actually try.
“Shouldn’t you be more concerned with whether or not I’m happy with the situation?” I argued, but my tone lacked the venom I’d expected. Doubt about how upset my father might be and how I could convince him that the match was reasonable, crept along my skin like icy fingers. Indignation settled deeper, however. I’d never cared to be told what I could and couldn’t do, and here we were again, debating what I could or couldn’t understand. “Your gentlemanly—and I’m using that phrase very loosely—disagreement has nothing to do with me. You’re just two stubborn men who can’t figure out how to mend the rift in your friendship. Neither of you is willing to admit you’ve been wrong, made mistakes. That things happen as they are meant to, even if that’s painful.” I pinned him with a stare. “Do you even remember why you started fighting in the first place?”
Gaius chuffed another rough laugh and shook his head. “The covenants battle… it changed all of us. I lost my brother?—”
“And I lost my mother .” My words were fiery, but I choked on the last bit, an unexpected swell of emotions caught in my throat. I rubbed my fist against my chest, trying to quell the ache that sprang up with the memory of her. “And my father lost his wife. His mate , Gaius.”
He sighed, deflating. “I know that, Lovette. And how wonderful for him that fate saw fit to provide him another.” His tone grew sharp at the mention of Grace, who, while human, was my father’s soulmate and had in so many ways brought him back to life. “It’s just?—”
My anger rose up again, hot and unrestrained. This argument had kept my father and Gaius from recovering what had, before that battle, been a lifelong friendship. It was what kept any of us from moving past all the tragedy and pain. A silly fight, based in ages-old prejudice that solved nothing and ended up hurting everyone involved. Everyone, of course, except the bureaucrats that had picked the fight in the first place. The spoiled men who got paid to just sit back and watch the actual soldiers fight and die from a distance.
“It’s just nothing. Loss is loss. I can’t understand why neither of you has figured out that one is not greater than the other! What happened there was nobody’s fault. Or, say it was. What if you could shoulder the blame? What if he could? Then what? You can point fingers at each other, at anyone else who was there, all day long. Everyone. Still. Lost . And there’s no changing any of it. But continuing on the way you have been just leaves you stuck there. And for what? What good does that do? Are you such a fool you can’t see past your ego? Here you are, angry that my father has found two mates in this lifetime, and still, you’re willing to disregard yours altogether? When she's literally standing right in front of you? To ignore the bond because of some imaginary obstacles without even trying ?”
His mouth pressed into a tight line, and he shifted his body away from me so that he was facing the window instead of the center of the room. Whatever budding friendliness that had been there for a brief moment was gone. Everything felt cold, from the blood moving sluggishly through my veins to the room around me.
My heart hurt, like a hand was squeezing all the blood out of it, when he said, “I think it’s best if you leave, Lovette.”
I stared at him for a moment but did as he asked, my only response the slamming of the door behind me. It might have been childish, but my frustration was boiling over. Fingernails digging into my palms, I turned my face skyward and screamed to relieve a bit more of the pressure inside me once I got a distance from his door.
Silence pressed densely on me as my thoughts raced. I needed to not be in my body for just a little while, to clear my head. When I was younger, flying fixed everything, and right now, I needed everything fixed. I needed space, air.
The cool evening breeze whipped through my hair as I let my wings out and took to the sky, my frustrated tears drying on my cheeks before I even had time to feel them.