Chapter 40 I Cant Keep It
~Felicity~
Monday morning felt surreal. After two weeks of crisis mode and chaos, the simple act of putting on work clothes and heading into the office seemed almost foreign.
"You okay?" Caden asked from the doorway, buttoning his cuffs.
Damn, he was hot in a button down and slacks.
Something about a man all dressed up is a righteous turn-on.
Looking at his face though, I could see the tension around his eyes.
Going back to work meant facing the reality of Jessica's theft, the missing money, the potential impact on the company.
"Yeah, I'm okay—just feel weird, you know? Like we're playing dress-up as our old selves."
He stepped into the closet and wrapped his arms around me from behind. "We're not our old selves, though. We're better—well, I'm doing better. You are just as amazing as you've always been."
I leaned back against him, drawing comfort and warmth from his presence.
He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Maliyah going to hang out at the house while we're working today?"
"Yes. I gave her a key, figured she could take the kids to the museum or just out and about if she wanted—not sure she will want to be cooped up with the kids all day."
"That's a good plan. Maybe she can come up to your office and grab some lunch."
"Not a bad idea," I responded. "I'll see what she thinks." I smiled at him and kissed his cheek. It was a good morning, and I liked the experience of starting it off on a positive note.
Downstairs, the kitchen was controlled chaos. Maliyah was making pancakes while Macy packed her school bag. It's amazing how easily kids adapt—her cast didn't even seem to be holding her back as she pulled all her stuff together.
Lucas sat at the counter, truck in hand, explaining the differences between dump trucks, backhoes, and front loaders to anyone who would listen. Zoe was methodically eating strawberries, sorting them by size, and making them dance on her plate before each bite.
"Aunt Fliss!" Zoe called out when she saw me. "Do you have to go to work today?"
"I do, sweetie. But I'll be back later this afternoon."
"Will you bring me a present?"
"Zoe," Maliyah warned gently. "We don't ask for presents."
"It's okay," I said, sitting down next to her. "What kind of present would you want?"
"An elephant! A real one!"
"Hmmmm, I have a feeling like a real elephant might be a little big for our house, and pretty hard to find on short notice," I said seriously. "How about I see what I can find that's elephant-adjacent?"
"What's that? Elephanjesscent?" Lucas asked, momentarily distracted from his truck discussion.
I held my laugh back and repeated, "elephant-adjacent," sounding it out with him.
Once he had the new word mastered, I explained, "elephant-adjacent is something that's almost like an elephant but not exactly an elephant."
"Like a hippopotamus!" Macy suggested.
"Or a rhino!" Lucas added.
"Or a really big dog!" Zoe giggled.
I laughed at the three of them. Man, they were cute. I looked up at Maliyah and caught her eye, sharing a smile together. This was exactly what we'd needed—normal family chaos, kids being kids, the kind of noise that made a house feel like a home.
"Alright, everyone," Caden announced, grabbing his coffee and briefcase. "Time to get this show on the road. Macy, you ready?"
"Ready." She shouldered her backpack carefully, mindful of her cast. "Aunt Maliyah, will you be here when I get home?"
"Absolutely. Lucas, Zoe and I have very important plans around fort-building activities."
"Can I help when I get back?"
"I promise that we'll save the best part for you," Maliyah promised.
As I headed in to work, I tried to shake off the almost surreal feeling I had.
Just a couple weeks back, this commute had been routine, automatic.
Now everything felt so different—from my trek in, to the audiobook I had going, even the taste of my coffee.
I felt as if I were experiencing something new yet rote.
It made me wonder if this was what it felt like for people who had been on leave and were returning after a long absence.
Walking in, it took all of thirty seconds before I heard, "Felicity!" Suddenly, Callie appeared as the elevator doors opened on my floor. "Welcome back! How are you feeling? Did you have a good time on vacation?"
Shit. Well, I hadn't really thought about how I'd respond to people. What was I saying to Macy just yesterday? "Hey Callie, how's it going? Did everyone miss me?" Avoidance it was!
"Of course! I imagine your team has lots to catch you up on. I'm guessing they'll have some good HR fodder for you now that you're back!"
I nodded, smiled, and said, "HR is never boring!" Definitely not sharing the details of my personal life of chaos with her or the rest of the team up here. I'm not interested in becoming the topic of conversation. The sounds of Dori ran through my head, Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
Tossing my stuff on my desk, I sat down and sighed. I'd barely settled in when there was a knock on my door.
"Welcome back."
Ethan stood in my doorway, looking polished and professional in a charcoal gray suit. His smile was warm but somehow different—more reserved than usual.
"Thanks. How was New York?"
"Productive. Mind if I come in for a minute?"
I gestured to the chair across from my desk. He sat down, but there was something in his posture that felt formal, careful.
He gave a small smile when he said, "I hope your time off was restorative. You seemed pretty stressed before you left."
I kept my expression neutral. "It was... eventful. But good to get some much-needed time away."
"Good. I'm glad." He shifted in his chair awkwardly, seeming to gather himself. “Have you cracked open the book? I was thinking about it, and you, while you were away." He cleared his throat and continued, "you were missed, you know."
Here it was. The conversation I'd been dreading.
"Actually, I was hoping we could discuss that too.
" I opened my desk drawer and pulled out The Handmaid’s Tale .
"This is amazing, Ethan, and I want you to know that I'm grateful for the thought behind it.
I know I said it when you gave it to me, but I should have been firmer—I really can't keep it. "
He looked at the box but didn't reach for it. "Oh," he said quietly before pausing and then asking, "may I ask why?"
"Honestly? Because it feels like more than something a colleague would give another colleague.
I also feel awkward accepting it—I'm married, and I can honestly say that, if a coworker gave my husband something like this, I wouldn't be happy.
I'd like to avoid any confusion for everyone involved here, so I think it's best I not accept it. "
Ethan was quiet for a long moment, his hands clasped in his lap. When he looked up, his expression was rueful but not surprised.
“You’re absolutely right,” he said simply, but I could see his hands trembling slightly as he clasped them in his lap. “It was more than a colleague gift.”
The honesty in his voice made my chest tighten. "Oh. Ethan—"
"No, let me finish." He held up a hand. "I've been telling myself for a while that we were just friends, just work colleagues who got along well.
But the truth is, I've had feelings for you that went beyond that.
And I think part of me was hoping..." He shrugged.
"Well, it doesn't matter what I was hoping. "
He trailed off, looking down at his hands. “This is mortifying. I feel like I’m fifteen again, getting shot down at a school dance.”
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I really hope I didn't give you the wrong impression."
"You didn't. That's the thing—you never said anything or led me on. You definitely never did anything inappropriate. This was all on me." He gestured toward the pen box. "But you should keep it."
"I can't."
“Actually, it isn’t really returnable.” His laugh was shaky, self-deprecating. “Turns out rare books aren’t like department store purchases. I asked when I was buying it. The dealer looked at me like I was insane.”
I stared at the box. "Ethan..."
"Look, I get it. I understand why you can't keep it as a gift from me. But it’s yours now, practically speaking. So maybe you know someone you could give it away to."
Despite everything, I found myself smiling. "Really expensive office supplies?"
"The most expensive pens in the building, probably." He stood up. "Maybe you could give it away—give it to a friend or something. Whatever works and entirely up to you."
He turned to walk away, paused, and turned back toward me. "For what it's worth, Felicity, your husband is a lucky man. I hope he knows that."
"Thank you Ethan. He does."
"Good." Ethan moved toward the door, then paused. "I should tell you that I'm already planning to transfer to the Chicago office. I wasn't completely sure until this conversation, but I think it's for the best."
"You don't have to—"
"Felicity—I really mean it. This was already in the works. After my trip to New York, they offered me a senior director position to lead the mid-west out of the Chicago office. It's actually a great opportunity."
I felt a mix of relief and sadness. Ethan was a good colleague and, despite the complications, a good person.
"I'm happy for you. I'll miss working with you, but this sounds like an awesome opportunity and is much deserved." I said honestly.
"I'll miss working with you too. But this is better. For both of us."
After he left, I sat staring at the pen box for a long time. I'll figure out what to do with the set. At some point, I'll need to tell Caden though, this I know. No more secrets. Maybe tonight when we have some privacy.
The rest of the morning passed in a blur of emails, catch-up meetings, and project updates. Everyone was welcoming about my return, but I could feel myself struggling to get back into the rhythm. The professional facade felt like a costume I'd forgotten how to wear properly.
By lunch, I was mentally exhausted. I texted Maliyah to see if she wanted to meet up, but she responded that they were at the children's museum and having too much fun to leave.
I called Caden instead.
"How's your first day back?" he asked, and I could hear the stress in his voice.
"Surreal. Yours?"
"Like walking through a minefield. Everyone's being polite, but I can feel the questions they're not asking."
"About what?"
"Stability. Job security. Word travels fast."
I felt a pang of worry. "Are their jobs secure?"
"For now, yeah. We're going to be tight for a while, but we'll survive." I could hear him blow a breath out.
"What can I do?"
"Exactly what you're doing. Be with me through this. Let me hear your voice when my own gets too loud in my head. Just knowing we're together in this—it's a lot Felicity."
"I'm here."
"I love you."
I responded, "I love you too."
The afternoon dragged by. I tried to focus on the stack of reports that had accumulated during my absence, but my mind kept wandering to everything that wasn't work related.
By four-thirty, I was more than ready to get home.
Walking into the house, I was thrilled by how alive with energy it was.
Giggles sounded from the living room. An exceptionally elaborate blanket fort had been constructed using the couch, dining room chairs, kitchen stools, some cushions and pillows, sheets, blankets, lamps, and tables.
If it was in my house, it was somehow being used for this fort.
I was torn between being impressed and anxious at who the hell was going to clean all this up.
"Aunt Fliss!" Zoe's head popped out amidst the chaos of sheets. "Come see our spaceship!"
"It's not a spaceship, it's a castle," Lucas corrected from somewhere inside the fort.
"It can be both," Macy's voice came from the depths of the construction.
I crawled inside the section of the fort that looked safe—and big enough to house someone taller than four feet. Okay, well—admittedly I was surprised at how spacious and well-engineered this thing was. Maliyah was clearly behind this fascinating monstrosity.
"This is incredible," I said, settling cross-legged on the cushioned floor. "Very professional architecture."
"Aunt Maliyah helped," Macy said. "She's like super good at building things."
"Years of practice with these two," Maliyah said, appearing in the entrance and crouching down with me. "How was your first day back?"
"Complicated. It was okay, but I'm glad to be home." I looked around at the cozy fort. "This looks like way more fun than budget reports and employee complaints."
"It was. Though I think we're going to need to disassemble before dinner. This thing has gotten completely out of hand."
Caden arrived home soon after carrying ice cream for the family. Of course—sugar before bed seemed like a great idea. Should probably address my addiction, but not today!