Chapter 44 Okay, I Want To
~Macy~
I sat in Dr. Chen's office by myself. Felicity and Dad came in to help me get settled but left to go to the waiting room until Dr. Chen said it was okay for them to come in too. Dr. Chen said she wanted to talk to me alone first about Mom.
"How are you feeling about everything we discussed last time, Macy?" Dr. Chen asked. "About your mom being sick?"
I picked at the edge of my cast. It was getting gross and smelly, and I couldn't wait to get it off later this week.
"I don't know," I said, which is what I always say when I don't know how to put feelings into words. "Confused, I guess."
"Confusing how?"
I thought about it for a minute—then another minute, dragging the time out while trying to search for words. "Well, everyone keeps saying Mom has been sick, and that's why she's been acting weird. But she's been acting weird for a really long time. Like, maybe since I was nine or ten?"
Dr. Chen nodded. "Can you tell me what you mean by weird?"
"She used to be really fun, like when I was little. We'd make pancakes on Saturdays, and she'd let me help crack the eggs, even when I was even littler—I'd get shells in the bowl, and she wouldn't yell at me. She'd read me stories every night and do different voices for all the characters."
I could feel tears starting, which was annoying. I'd been crying too much lately.
"Those sound like really nice memories," Dr. Chen said softly.
"But then she started getting mad about everything. Like, if I left my backpack on the floor, she'd yell at me for an hour about being irresponsible. Or if I asked her to help with homework, she'd get frustrated and say I should already know how to do it."
"When do you think that started happening?"
I thought back to the first time Mom grounded me and took away all my art supplies after I hadn't put my laundry away before starting to sketch after school. "Maybe when I was going into like sixth grade? It got worse this year. I got really good at making my own TV dinners too."
I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. Dr. Chen handed me the tissue box.
"This year, she got like really different. She'd say Dad was trying to turn me against her, or that Felicity was trying to replace her. She'd ask me weird questions about what Dad and Felicity said about her when she wasn't around. Every day, it seemed like she was different."
"That must have been really hard for you."
"I guess. It was just like—I don't know—something was always happening, so I guess I didn't see it as like overnight? You know? I don’t really know how to explain it."
Dr. Chen was quiet for a minute, which usually means she's thinking about something important.
"Macy, it's okay not to have all the words right now. What the doctors found in your mom's brain—this tumor—it's probably been growing for a little while, likely for the last year. I want you to think back to the memories that were good—before things started to change."
"Okay." Before Mom started changing. She was always fancy, always spending money, so that's not it. "Do you mean like when she was nice?"
"Yes, let's think about that time."
"So that would probably be before she met Brad. I was little when my parents divorced, but it was just me and Mom for a while. She met Brad like when I was, I don't know, like six?" Yeah, six— I thought to myself.
"How were things different with him?"
"Well, she had less time for me, and she shopped—like a lot!"
Dr. Chen sat silently and waited for me to keep going.
"So, like before Brad, we had an apartment—it was cool. Just Mom's room and mine. And mine was decorated like with princess stuff—I was little, you know—not like now."
Dr. Chen smiled and told me to continue.
"Okay, so then when she met Brad, he was fancy and stuff. He liked stuff. Then we moved into his house. It's so big, you know? And like…I don't know… Fancy. That's really the best word for it. Super fancy."
"So, when she met Brad—is that when you think she started to spend a lot of money but less time with you?"
"Oh yeah—for sure. But then, like in the last year—that's when she got really super different, you know? Like, mad, and really focused on Felicity and stuff."
"Okay, well it's possible that the tumor was growing in her brain for the last year, so I want you to think about her personality—not her spending or her time—but how she treated you. Think about who she was before all the changes happened in her being mad."
"Okay, yeah."
"I want you to consider that mom. You mentioned your mom used to kiss you goodnight and, even if she was going out to an event or a dinner, she would still make sure you were settled, right?
" When I nodded, Dr. Chen kept talking. "Okay, well that mom, the one who kissed you and told you she loved you—the one who still hugged you and made sure you were doing okay—that was your real Mom.
That was the one you should try to hold onto when your memories get hard. "
"So I should try and forget about what happened over the last year?"
"No, not forget—those memories will always be part of your history.
Instead of forgetting them, try to think of them as something different than the memories you had before they happened.
You can still think of them, but put them in a different space of your mind and heart.
Let the mom who you knew from before those memories take up more space, and the one who was there in the last year take up less space. "
"Um, okay, I can try that—I think."
"In time, it will get easier. The point of the exercise is to realize that you don't have to forget the difficult times in order to remember the good ones, okay?"
"Okay."
"Have you gone to see her yet?"
I looked down at my fingers and started to pick at my nails. "No," I said quietly.
"Is there anything holding you back?"
"I don't know."
"It's okay to go see her, Macy. You're not doing anything bad by seeing her before she passes away."
We've talked about my mom dying a couple times now. I see Dr. Chen three times a week these days, so this has come up before.
"I'm still scared."
"It's okay to be scared too. You're allowed to have your own feelings." She leaned forward and looked at me, making eye contact. "I don't usually do this, but I think that the circumstances call for it."
"What?" I asked.
"I think you need to go see her."
"I thought I got to choose!"
"You do. And I'm not forcing you to go, Macy.
But I am saying that you should. This may be the last chance you have to say goodbye.
It's called closure. This is a defining moment in life, Macy.
A decision not to see her is something you cannot un-decide or un-do.
I want you to consider that and take the step to see her. "
The tears were flowing down my face. Dr. Chen had never told me to do something, not like this.
I pulled my knees up to my chin and held onto my legs, curling into a little bit of a ball on the couch.
I nodded and said I would try. Dr. Chen gave me some tissues and let me have a minute to get it out—all the tears and all the pain. It all hurt so much.
After a few minutes, Dad and Felicity came in. I could tell they'd been talking in the waiting room because they both looked worried.
"How are you doing, kiddo?" Dad asked, sitting down next to me.
"Okay," I said quietly.
"Dr. Chen says I should go see Mom," I said, not looking up from my hands.
"Only if you want to," Felicity said quickly. "You don't have to do anything you're not ready for."
"But Dr. Chen thinks I need to. For the door close."
"For closure," she said.
"Oh, closure, I mean."
I looked up at them. "She said if I don't see her, I can't undo that decision later."
Dad and Felicity exchanged a look.
"She's right about that," Dad said gently. "But it's still your choice, Macy."
"I want to see if any of my real mom is still there. The one who loved me before all the stuff happened with her brain." I wiped my nose with another tissue. "Dr. Chen helped me remember that she wasn't always different. Just the last year or so."
"That's a very brave thing to want to do," Felicity said.
"What if she's mean to me? What if she says something mean?"
"Then we can leave," Dad said firmly. "The moment you feel scared or uncomfortable, we're out of there."
"And it won't be your real mom saying those things," Dr. Chen added. "It would be the tumor."
I took a deep breath. "Okay. I want to go see her."
"Then we'll make that happen," Dad said. "Together."