Perfect on Paper #2
"You—" JP's composure cracks. It’s just for a second, a twitch at the corner of his mouth, a single sharp exhale through his nose, but it’s there. JP, the most composed human being I have ever met, is trying not to laugh at me.
So I grab the pillow off his bed and throw it at him. He catches it without looking. Which is somehow worse. “Sorry,” he says, face smoothed back to neutral. “Continue.”
“I hate you.”
“I know. Continue.”
"I scrambled away from him. I was shaking." I remember his face, concerned, careful, hands held up like he was trying not to spook a scared animal. "He was so nice about it. He wasn't angry at all, just… sad, maybe?"
"And then you came home and had sex with Leo." Hearing it laid out like that, oh blast. My stomach drops. That sounds so much worse when someone else says it.
"Yeah." JP is quiet again, and I can't stand the silence, so I keep going. "Jaren is perfect on paper. So why doesn't it work? Why did being with him feel so wrong?"
"Sometimes it doesn't work," JP says carefully. "Look at me, my ex was amazing on paper, and what he did…" He pauses. His jaw tightens, just slightly, and his eyes drop to his hands. "It messed me up for a long time. I never suspected he could—"
I reach over and grab his hand. He squeezes back, just once.
"Anyway." He seems to shake it off, but I can tell it costs him. "Jaren isn't anything like that. But he isn't your person, and that's alright. Especially since it sounds like he was okay with you leaving?"
"Jaren was great," I say quickly. "He made sure I was okay. He even tried to drive me home."
"Okay, that's good." JP still looks a little sad, but he straightens up. "You'll find your person, Max. E-i, uri-ga haegyeol hal su isseo! We will figure this out. I have more ideas for Operation Social Interaction."
I manage a small laugh. "More spreadsheets?"
"Always more spreadsheets."
I feel a little better when I leave his room. Not fixed, I don't think there's a spreadsheet in the world that can fix whatever's broken in my head, but lighter. Like, maybe I can figure this out.
Leo is in the kitchen when I wander in, hunched over the table with fabric and thread spread out around him, working on pieces for our cosplay. He looks up when I walk in and smiles.
That's not Leo's normal smile. It's close, right shape, right number of teeth, but it doesn't reach his eyes the way it used to. He's filtering himself around me now, every word measured, every reaction a beat too late, like I'm someone he has to be careful with instead of someone he trusts.
Does he think sleeping with me was a mistake, and he's too polite to say so? Did I break us? Is this my fault?
"Hey." I hover in the doorway. "Working on the costumes?"
"Yeah, trying to get the cape lined up right." He holds up a piece of fabric. "The pattern's being difficult."
"Need help?"
"Nah, I've got it." He looks back down at his sewing, and the silence that follows is the wrong kind, the kind that used to be comfortable and now feels like static.
"Leo, can we—"
"Have you figured out what you want for your skirt yet?" He cuts me off without looking up. "We need to order materials soon if we're going to be ready in time."
I stare at him. He's not even pretending. He's not letting me in. "I was thinking of the blue you showed me," I say slowly, testing.
"That should work. The company I used last year was fast." He's still not looking at me. "Did you decide on tights or socks? Socks are more legit, but tights will help you stay—" he pauses, "—tucked in."
"Socks." I take a step closer, trying to catch his eye. "Leo, will you look at me?"
He looks up. That careful smile again, the one that makes me want to shake him. "What's up?"
What's up? Like we're casual acquaintances. Like we didn't have our hands all over each other. "Nothing," I mutter. "Socks. I'll send you reference photos."
"Sounds good." He goes back to his sewing, and I stand there, useless and angry and confused. I have a whole conversation stuck in my throat. This is stupid. Why are you being like this? What did I do? Why won't you just talk to me?
But the words won't come, and Leo's not giving me an opening, and I don't know how to fix something when I don't even know what's broken.
The kitchen door bangs open, and Haru bounces in with JP right behind him. "We're going dancing!" Haru announces, clapping his hands together. "Minna, ikuyo! Everyone, let's go! Tonight. No excuses."
"Dancing?" Leo looks up, and this time the smile reaches his eyes. The tension he's been carrying in his shoulders all week loosens, just slightly. Because Haru and JP are safe. Because they're not me… Wow, I sound bitter.
Del and Luca drift in from the hallway, Elliot trailing behind them with his headphones around his neck. Luca's hand is in Del's, their fingers intertwined like it's the most natural thing in the world. "Did someone say dancing?" Del grins. "I'm in. Luca can keep me from injuring anyone."
"I make no promises," Luca says, but he's looking at Del like the rest of the room doesn't exist, like it's just the two of them and everyone else is background noise. There's a hot and sharp twist in my chest. I can't count the number of times I've been envious of the two of them.
I want that. Someone who looks at me like I'm everything. Someone whose hand fits perfectly in mine. Someone who doesn't hold back, who doesn't give me careful smiles and safe topics and walls I can't climb.
I look at Leo without meaning to. He's laughing at something Haru said, his real laugh, the one that makes his whole face light up. I want… He hasn't laughed like that around me all week. The sharp thing in my chest twists harder.
"Max?" JP is looking at me. "You in?"
"Yeah." I force a smile. "Yeah, I'm in."
Maybe a night out will help. Maybe dancing and noise and people will shake loose whatever's stuck in my head. Maybe I'll figure out why everything feels wrong, why Jaren doesn't fit, why Leo won't look at me, what any of it means.
Or maybe I'll get drunk and not think about it for a few hours.
Either way, I'm going. And maybe that's what tonight is — not figuring it out, not fixing anything.
Just deciding. Leo doesn't want whatever this is between us, and I can't keep pulling at something he's already walking away from.
So I'll stop pulling. We'll go dancing and laugh and be friends, like we've always been, like apparently we're always going to be.
It's going to hurt. It already hurts. But I'm not losing him over this. He's too important. I don't have a plan. I just know I can't keep standing here watching him pretend to be okay when I know he's not…
And neither am I.