Everyone knew?
MAX
The kitchen is quiet except for the hum of the refrigerator, which I should really look at, the rattling suggests the compressor is working harder than optimal. I'm using appliance diagnostics to avoid thinking about Leo. It's not working.
Leo, who I'm in love with. Who has spent the last week only talking to me when there are other people around, and then since the club a few nights ago has barely talked to me at all.
Every conversation has been about the convention this weekend — which panels we're hitting, which costumes we're bringing, whether we should do the Friday night mixer or save our energy for Saturday.
I've been trying to get him alone for days. He keeps finding reasons not to be.
Normal stuff. Safe stuff. Stuff that doesn't involve me saying Hey, so I realized I'm in love with you and I want to date you for real, thoughts?
I drop my head onto the kitchen table with a thunk.
How do I even start this conversation? Hey Leo, funny story…
I went home with Ryker, had an emotional crisis, and now I know I want to be with you forever.
Want to get dinner? No. Leo, I've been thinking about our friendship and I think we should explore the possibility of…
Absolutely not. That sounds like a business proposal.
I try it out loud, quietly, just to see. "Leo, I lo—"
The kitchen door swings open and I jolt upright so fast I almost fall off my chair.
It's Haru, wearing a soft sweater and carrying an empty mug.
He pauses when he sees me, tilts his head slightly, then moves to the kettle without comment.
I watch him fill it, set it on the base, pull down the green tea from the cabinet, the nice stuff he brought from Japan that he only shares on special occasions.
His movements are precise and unhurried.
The kettle clicks on. Haru turns and looks at me.
"What is going wrong, Max?"
"Nothing's going wrong. Everything's fine. Why would anything be wrong? I'm sitting here in the kitchen thinking about refrigerator compressors."
Haru's expression doesn't change. "You are a poor liar."
"I'm not lying, I'm just—" I slump. "Okay. I'm lying. Things are not fine."
Haru nods like this confirms what he already knew, pulls out the chair across from me, and sits, folding his hands on the table. "Tell me."
"It's complicated."
"I have time." He gestures toward the kettle. "The water has not yet boiled."
I don't know why that's what breaks me, but it does. Maybe it's the calm way he says it, like he's genuinely prepared to sit here for as long as it takes. Maybe it's because I've been holding this inside for days and it's starting to leak out the seams.
"It's about Leo," I say.
"Yes. I assumed. You have been—" he pauses, searching for the word, "—moping. And Leo has also been acting unusually. It was not difficult to deduce."
Great. So I'm obvious. That's comforting.
"Something happened between us," I say. "Before Christmas. We, um." I stare at the table. Why is this so hard to say? "S-e-x. We had… sex." I'm not looking at Haru, but I can feel him go still. "And it was my first time," I add, quieter. "With anyone. Leo was my first."
"Ah." His voice is gentle. "That is significant."
"Yeah."
"Was it… a good experience?" I finally look up. Haru is watching me quietly, head tilted slightly, hands still folded on the table. He hasn't moved.
"It was wonderful," I admit, and my face goes warm. "He was so careful with me. Made sure I was okay the whole time. It was… yeah. It was really good."
Haru nods; there's a soft look in his eyes. "That is important. A first sexual experience shapes how one views intimacy going forward. I am glad yours was positive."
"Was yours?"
The question slips out before I can stop it, and I immediately want to shove it back in. "Sorry, you don't have to—"
"It is fine." Haru considers for a moment, like he's deciding how much to share.
"My first experience was… adequate. Functional.
Not unpleasant, but not remarkable." A small smile crosses his face.
"My second, however, was much better. So I am happy that your first experience was more than adequate. "
We share a smile, and the pressure behind my ribs eases. Like a valve releasing. It's nice talking about this. Like it's normal. A thing people discuss over tea. The kettle clicks off, and Haru rises to pour the water, but he waves for me to continue.
"So that was before Christmas," I say. "And then things got weird between us. We went to my home for the holidays, and it was awkward around my family. And when we got back, things were finally starting to feel normal again, and then we…" I swallow. "We had, umm, we had sex again."
Haru returns with two cups, sliding one toward me. The tea smells grassy and warm. "And after the second time?"
"Leo said we can't let sex confuse things. That we need to be friends."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Terrible! Because I don't want to be friends!
" I wrap my hands around the warm cup. "I want more.
I want everything. I want to date him and hold his hand and kiss him whenever I want and wake up next to him and—" I stop, embarrassed by my own intensity.
"I want him to be my boyfriend. For real.” The words hang in the air.
I sit with them for a second, surprised by how certain they sound.
How certain they feel. No error codes, no variables left unsolved.
Just… that. Clean and simple and terrifying.
Huh. So that's what knowing feels like.
Haru is watching me with an expression I can't read. "Max," he says slowly. "Did you not know you were in love with Leo?"
"I… what? No! I mean, yes, I know now, but I only figured it out a few days ago!"
"A few days ago." He says it like he's checking he heard correctly. His brow furrows slightly, that look he gets when American idioms don't translate. "But the two of you… I thought everyone knew."
The words hit me like a truck. "What do you mean, everyone knew?"
"It is… " he waves a hand, "... akiraka.
Obvious. If one watches the two of you." He sets down his tea.
"You share a bed. You sit together, always touching, legs, shoulders.
You move around each other like you are synchronized.
You finish each other's sentences." He shakes his head, genuinely bewildered.
"And the way he looks at you when you are not watching, Max. His eyes follow you across the room."
My mouth opens. Nothing comes out.
"From the moment I moved in," Haru continues, "I assumed you were already together. When I learned you were not, I thought perhaps it was a private matter. That you simply did not wish to announce it."
"We weren't together, together!"
"You were sleeping in the same bed."
"For comfort and warmth!" Haru picks up his tea without responding, and somehow that's worse than any argument he could have made. "Does everyone think we're secretly dating?" I press my hands to my face. "Sweet mechanical mercy."
I'm spiraling. Full system overload. I wasn't hiding anything because there was nothing to hide, at least, that's what I thought.
Leo was my best friend. We shared a bed.
We finished each other's sentences. That's just what we were.
And apparently, the entire house has been watching us like we're a romantic comedy waiting to happen.
"If you love him," Haru says gently, "and I believe he loves you, then I do not understand the problem. Why do you not simply tell him?"
"Because he said he wants to be just friends! He literally said we can't let sex confuse things!"
"Perhaps," Haru says carefully, "he is afraid of the same thing you are afraid of. Losing his most important person."
That lands somewhere soft and bruised.
"Also," he adds, "he has been more, hikae me, reserved. Since you went home with the bouncer."
I freeze. "How do you know about that?"
"I saw you leave with him. All of us did." He holds up a hand before I can speak. "I am not accusing you of anything. I am observing that Leo has been different since that night. More distant. Using the group as a buffer."
"Yeah. I noticed that too." My stomach twists. "If Leo has feelings for me, how do you think he felt, watching me leave with someone like that?"
"I imagine," Haru says quietly, "it was painful."
"Oh no." I drop my head into my hands. "Oh no.” There’s a second of silence. "Wait." I look up. "Do you think Ryker is attractive?"
Haru blinks. A faint flush creeps across his cheekbones. "That is not relevant to this conversation."
"You do! You think he's hot!"
"His physique is… objectively impressive—"
"You like them big, huh?" The grin breaks across my face despite everything.
Haru's blush deepens. "We are discussing your romantic difficulties, not my aesthetic preferences."
"Noted." I wiggle my eyebrows. "But also noted."
"Max."
"Okay, okay." I hold up my hands in surrender, still smiling. "Back to my disaster."
Haru composes himself with a sip of tea. "The question remains. If Leo has feelings for you, watching you leave with another man would have been painful. Yes?"
"Yes. But I didn't know yet. I didn't realize I was in love with him until that night. Ryker actually helped me figure it out. We talked, and he made me see what was right in front of me." I pause. "Leo doesn't know that, though. He only knows what he saw."
"Then you need to tell him."
"I know. I've been trying to get him alone for days, but every time I get close, he materializes one of you guys out of thin air." I slump back in my chair. "He's using all of you as a buffer, and it's very effective."
Haru considers this. "The convention is this weekend. Three days. Many opportunities for a private moment… Perhaps away from the house is better. Somewhere he cannot so easily escape."
"You think I should corner him at the con?"
"I think you should find the right moment to speak honestly." Haru's expression softens. "You two are each other's person, Max. This will work out. I believe it."
The smile breaks across my face before I can stop it. "Thanks, Haru."
"Of course." He picks up his tea, takes a sip, and then adds almost as an afterthought, "You should also practice what you want to say. So you do not, as you Americans say, 'word vomit' all over him."
I choke on my tea. "Did you just use 'word vomit' correctly in a sentence?"
"I am learning." The tiniest smile crosses his face. "Elliot taught me that one."
"Of course he did."
I look down at my tea, the warmth seeping into my palms, and for the first time in days, the knot in my chest loosens a little. I have a plan. Well, half a plan… find Leo at the Con, get him alone, tell him everything.
Easy. This is totally easy.
I'm absolutely going to word vomit all over him.