Chapter 5
Chapter Five
NED
Istare at the white ceiling above me and wonder where it all went wrong.
The bed beside me is empty, the fancy white sheets rumpled over the acres of mattress, because Carlos doesn’t stay in bed for morning cuddles anymore.
Instead, he gets up the second he wakes, as though he can’t stand to lie beside me for a moment longer than he has to.
I should probably consider myself lucky he’s not sleeping elsewhere.
Sighing, I roll onto my side and check the time. It’s still early, but not so early it’s worth going back to sleep. Our hosts will be up, so I may as well paste on my social face and join them for breakfast.
In the shower, I let my mind drift back to when Carlos and I first met.
Were we ever really meant to be together?
It hurts to even think that, because I love him so much, but maybe we were only supposed to be ships in the night.
Maybe if the money hadn’t come into it, we’d have dated for a while and then drifted apart under the normal pressures of life. We’re so different.
Not that different, a tiny voice whispers, and I have to admit that’s true.
We have the same core values. But where Carlos is the life of every party, popular and welcome wherever he goes, I’m…
not. When the money first came through—split evenly between us, no matter how many of my ex-friends told me I bought the ticket and should keep it all—we were still caught up in the glow of love and lust, and it was a no-brainer to go on an extravagant world trip.
Everywhere we went, doors opened to us, and not just because we were splashing cash around like it was going out of fashion.
No, people invited us to parties and trips and their homes because of Carlos.
He made friends on flights, in the airport lounge, in the lobbies of our fancy hotels.
Sure, some people still turned up their noses at our working-class backgrounds and squeaky new money—not to mention our open homosexuality—but there were plenty more who flocked to him, and I got swept along in his wake.
Don’t get me wrong: it’s been amazing. Seeing the world in style, not needing to worry about money, meeting the kind of people who can give tips on managing finances so we’ll never need to worry about money.
My life changed for the better, and it was all because of Carlos.
Not to mention just being with him is all I could ever ask for.
But it’s been eight years of whirlwind travel and parties and new people, and sometimes all I want is to lie on a couch in front of the TV and snuggle with my honey.
If only my honey still wanted me.
He hasn’t said anything, and it’s not like we fight or anything…
but we’re practically strangers these days.
I can’t remember the last time we cuddled or spontaneously kissed, and sex is…
well, perfunctory and infrequent. Considering how amazing it used to be between us, like I died and was resurrected every time, what happens now can barely be termed scratching an itch.
I’m not even sure if Carlos came last time—as soon as I did, he pulled out and went to wash up. It made me feel dirty and alone.
I want things to go back to how they were between us, but I’m so afraid Carlos’s feelings aren’t the same.
That he doesn’t want a forty-one-year-old introvert who’s never going to look like the Calvin Klein underwear model who flirted with him last week in New York and danced the night away.
Whereas I nursed a couple of drinks at a table in the corner.
Dragging myself out of the shower, I avoid looking at my reflection. I’m far from old, but there’s no denying the signs of aging are there. I’d be okay with getting older if it didn’t make it so much harder for me to keep up with Carlos. He’s always had the energy of a kid high on sugar.
Downstairs, I run into our hostess in the hall.
“Good morning, Ned,” she says warmly, her smile bright. “How’d you sleep?”
I smile back. It’s not her fault I’m a miserable lump of a human, and I really do like her and her husband. “Great, thanks. That mattress is amazing.”
Linking her arm with mine, she turns me toward the breakfast room. “Wonderful. Come and have some pancakes with us. I’m so glad you decided to visit. The last few days have been so much fun.”
They have—and not just because of the company. Tonya and Larry are great, but they don’t entertain on a large scale in their home. So our visit has had all the benefits of being in Chicago but with low-key social activities, and it’s been great.
For me, anyway.
In the breakfast room, Larry and Carlos are in the middle of an animated conversation about the future of entertainment retailers.
Larry’s been talking about investing in a video rental chain, but Carlos is skeptical.
“…watch it closely. Short-to-medium term, it’ll do well, but the tech industry is changing so rapidly that I don’t think it will make a good long-term venture.
” He glances up. “There you both are. We wondered when we’d see your smiling faces. ”
I feel my smile start to slip. It’s not that late, is it? Is he getting sick of me not being an early bird? Luckily, Tonya’s not riddled with doubt like I am.
“I need extra time to greet the day,” she quips, taking the seat next to Larry and kissing his cheek. I slide into the only empty chair with a place setting, beside Carlos, and wish I had the nerve to kiss him. I’m too afraid it won’t be welcome. “Now, what are our plans?”
Before anyone can answer, the housekeeper comes to the door with a cordless handset. “It’s your daughter,” she says, and Tonya rises immediately.
“Talk about our options while I’m gone,” she orders, taking the phone and strolling out.
“Can I get you some coffee and pancakes?” the housekeeper asks me.
“Thank you, that would be great.” An image of the underwear model rises in my mind’s eye, but I resolutely push it aside.
Compromise has its place in a relationship, but I’m not changing myself—especially not in a pointless contest with a twenty-two-year-old.
If Carlos truly wants someone with six-pack abs, that’s not me and never has been.
Stop being so negative. Carlos likes you cuddly, the voice of my conscience reminds me. He always has.
That’s true. Maybe I need to adjust my attitude and start thinking more positively. Deep breath. Smile. “So what do we—”
“Larry! We have to go right now. Lucy’s having the baby!” Tonya bursts back into the room, grinning widely. “I’m going to be a grandmother!”
There’s a jumble of congratulations as we all scramble to our feet. Larry’s so excited, he forgets to put his fork down and is halfway to the door with a bite of pancake dangling from it before Carlos stops him.
“Will you be all right on your own?” Tonya asks us, glancing toward the door, clearly anxious to be on her way.
“We’ll be fine,” I assure her.
“You have the run of the house, of course,” she says. “If you need anything, just ask Mara.”
“Go, already. We’re okay.” Carlos ushers her out, and she goes with a big smile. I can’t help grinning—their excitement is contagious.
Then Carlos turns to face me with a matching grin, and he looks so relaxed and beautiful that my heart pangs in my chest.
“So what are we going to do today?” he asks, and I scramble for an answer.
“Let’s go for a drive.”