Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
TOM
“Hey, Kevin,” I say, trying to sound casual and not like I want to get him off the phone. I love Skye’s dad; really, I do. But this is my time with Gabe, and so far, we haven’t been very successful at being together without interruptions.
“You’re in so much trouble, young man,” he declares, and for a second I’m taken back to my preteen years and the time Skye and I decided to experiment with tie-dyeing techniques… on Kevin’s brand-new white sheets. Spoiler: we sucked at it, and the sheets ended up a blotchy purple-brown color.
“What’d I do?” I protest. It’s been years since I’ve been in his linen closet.
“Skye told me you’re dating Gabe. Don’t you think that’s something I should have heard from you?” There’s an edge of teasing there now, and I grin, relaxing.
“It’s new still.” I lean my hips against the counter and smile at Gabe. The worry on his face eases, and he smiles back, then starts clearing the table. “Really new. Like… four days.”
“I guess I can forgive you, then. Are you happy, though? Even if it’s new, does it feel right?”
For a second, my throat closes and I can’t speak. This is what I wanted from my mom today. A sign that she cared about what a relationship would bring to my life. That me being gay was less important than me being happy.
“Yeah,” I manage hoarsely. “Yeah, it’s right. Good. I’m happy.”
Kevin pauses. “Everything okay, Tom?”
I clear my throat. “Fine. It’s, uh…” I turn away from where Gabe’s loading the dishwasher and pace across the floor to the living room area. It’s only an illusion of privacy, but it’s something. “I told my mom today.”
For a second, Kevin says nothing. He’s got a pretty good idea of what happened, I’m sure. “Did she say something hurtful?” he asks finally, and I hear him moving.
“What?” Patrick, his boyfriend, says in the background. “Who was hurtful? Do we need to throw down?”
I start to laugh, because I can totally see Kevin and Patrick, who’s the town chief of police, going to confront my mom.
“Tell Patrick it’s fine,” I assure Kevin. “She was just… indifferent.”
“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” he tells me. “But just so you know, I would throw down for you any day of the week, kid. You’ve been like a son to me since the day Skye walked out of daycare holding your hand and told me you were going to be his best friend.”
The tears that were welling up disperse as I laugh. I don’t remember that day, but both Kevin and my dad have told us about it so many times, it feels like a real memory. “Thanks, Kevin. That means a lot. No throw downs, though. It’s really fine.”
“Okay then. Bring Gabe over for dinner one night. In fact, come with Skye and Daniel on Wednesday. Patrick can make both your boyfriends feel uncomfortable at the same time.”
I laugh again, so grateful for the day I met Skye and gained his family. “It’s way too soon for that, but later on, sure. Listen, I don’t want to rush you, but—”
“Have I interrupted your romantic dinner?” he asks slyly.
I roll my eyes and mentally curse Skye. “You already knew. Kinda rude, doncha think?”
“You didn’t have to answer. Is Gabe upset?”
Glancing his way, I’m surprised to see the concern is back. He’s smiling a little, though. “No.”
“Then you’re set. A man who understands when you gotta take a call from the people who love you is worth his weight in gold. If he offers to drive your kid and his best friend to a music festival two counties over, he’s a keeper. Ask me how I know.”
That’s a day I do remember. Specifically, how Skye and I were dumb fifteen-year-olds who drank beer at the festival even though our ride home was a cop.
And then we puked all over the back seat of his car.
Kevin likes to say he knew he was in love with Patrick after seeing how he dealt with us that day.
“I don’t have a kid, and Patrick’s already taken,” I tease. “I’m going now.”
“Talk to you soon, kid.” He ends the call, and I put the phone down and exhale.
“Everything okay?” Gabe asks, coming toward me. His pace is tentative, and I reflexively reach out an arm for him.
“Yeah. Skye told his dad we’re dating, because Skye likes to stir shit up. Have you met Skye’s dads?” I’m sure he must have—he’s been living here for a year.
“A couple of times, but not for more than hellos and goodbyes. You seem close to them.”
It’s not a question, but I pull him down to sit with me on the sofa as I think of how to answer. “You know how Skye’s like a bundle of happy energy that sometimes has a smart mouth and likes to get his own way?”
Gabe chuckles. “That’s the best description of him I’ve ever heard. So, yeah. Sure.”
“His dad, Kevin, is exactly the same, just an adult. I mean, Skye’s an adult too, now… kind of.” I shake my head. “What age do we actually feel like grown-ups?”
He pulls me against his side and wraps his arm around me. “I’m not there yet, so I don’t know. I still sometimes look around for an adultier adult to take over.”
Good to know it’s not just me. “Well, anyway, when Skye and I made friends, all the way back before kindergarten, Kevin kind of adopted me too. It seemed totally normal for me and Skye to feel equally comfortable at each other’s houses and with each other’s parents.” I stop and sigh.
“I feel like ominous music should be playing,” Gabe murmurs, kissing the top of my head.
“No, it’s not… it’s not bad. Exactly.” I stop and consider. “It is bad. It could have been a lot worse, but it’s not good.” I flounder around, and he gives me a little squeeze.
“You don’t need to tell me.”
“No, I want to. It just… feels stupid to whine about my family not being happy I’m gay when I know there are people whose parents kicked them out or disowned them or hurt them.”
“You don’t have to compare your experience to anyone else’s, and you don’t need to feel like you can’t be upset because their experience was objectively worse.” His voice is matter-of-fact, and it soothes something deep inside me.
“Yeah, well… like I said, they’re not happy I’m gay.
The thing is, when Skye came out, while we were still teenagers, nobody was surprised, not even my parents.
And they didn’t treat him any different, but they never talked about it.
And…” I sigh. “I don’t want to say they’re homophobic, but they are.
They’d never call someone names to their face, and they’d never physically harm anyone, but casual homophobia is still homophobia. ”
He makes an agreeing sound. “Calling things gay as an insult, mocking any behavior or clothing that could be seen as feminine… stuff like that?”
“Yeah. All those tiny implications that being gay is a bad thing that get stuck in your head before you even know what gay is. And then when I did know, I… decided I could never be gay.” I hesitate.
“It was… hard. I’d grown up with Kevin, and everyone in town knows he’s bisexual.
He was just as likely to date a man as a woman.
And then Skye told me he was gay, and there’s nothing in this world that could ever make me believe Skye’s bad. ”
His body moves with his chuckle, and it vibrates through me too. “I get that.”
I rest my head against his shoulder, loving this sensation of belonging.
There’s nothing quite like when emotional and physical closeness meet.
“So if Kevin and Skye were both queer, and they weren’t bad, then being queer couldn’t be bad.
Right? But I knew that my family would never be okay with it if I was gay. So… I wasn’t.”
“Oh, Tom.” He cuddles me closer. “What happened?”
I make a little choking sound. It was supposed to be a laugh, but I’m not feeling amused right now.
“I’m gay, Gabe. I pretended I wasn’t, and every day felt more and more miserable, heavier and heavier.
I tried dating women, and it was fine when things were starting out and I could pretend we were friends, but it never stayed that way, and…
being with women just never felt right. I could…
you know, get it up and see it through with the right stimulation, but… ”
“But you were ‘seeing it through,’” he finishes for me. “Nothing more.”
I nod. “Yeah. It was fine, but it never felt right. I felt more and more like something was wrong with me, and more and more isolated. I spent a whole lot of time on kendo because I didn’t have to talk to people there.
Plus, part of me wanted to be able to defend myself in case…
Well, in case. I pushed a lot of people away because I was scared I’d somehow give away my secret, or because I was angry with them for not understanding how much I was suffering.
” I shake my head. “That doesn’t even make sense. ”
“It does,” he soothes. “I get it.”
“Skye was the only person I felt like I could be myself with.”
He hesitates, then asks, “Did you guys ever…?”
“No. Weirdly, even when I was deep enough in the closet to find Narnia and Skye was the only person I felt safe with, it never occurred to me that we could hook up. Skye’s my best friend and I’ll love him until I die, but that’s it.”
I get another squeeze. “Just so you know, if you had, there would be no judgment from me.”
I wriggle a little so I can look at his face without lifting my head. “Did you and Connor?”
“We practiced kissing on each other,” he admits. “It felt weird enough that we never tried anything else.”
The grin that stretches my mouth feels a little weird, since I’ve never smiled while thinking about my teen years. “How old were you?”
He shrugs. “Fourteen, maybe? But we’re talking about you.”
“There’s not much else to say.” I make a mental note to think of some “you kissed my boyfriend” jokes I can torment Connor with.
“I was nineteen and looking at a lifetime of dating women and pretending I liked it, hiding who I was, isolating myself from anyone who couldn’t be trusted.
Feeling like an interloper in my family, and wondering if they’d all turn on me if they found out.
I thought about moving away, going somewhere I didn’t have to keep the secret so strictly.
Where it would be okay if a few people knew, where maybe I could even date men. ”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I nearly did, but I decided to tell Skye first. I didn’t want to leave him, and I guess I thought if he knew why I had to go, he might come with me.
” My lips curve again. “It was so weird. I went to talk to him with this plan, and for the first time in ages I felt confident, you know? I’d tell Skye I was gay, and I knew he’d be cool with it.
But the second I saw his face, I started crying.
I just couldn’t stop. It was like all the fear and feelings I’d been holding back for years turned into tears and needed out.
By the time I’d blubbered out my confession, I couldn’t even remember having a plan. ”
“And Skye was cool with it.” It’s not a question, and I love that.
“Yeah,” I confirm anyway. “He gave me Kleenex and hugs and water, then made me promise him I wouldn’t fall in love with a bad boy rocker and run away to go on tour with him only to die of a drug overdose in some crappy third-rate city.”
Gabe laughs. “That sounds like Skye.”
“He made me laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and gave me some perspective. I was a legal adult, and yeah, if my family disowned me, it would be horrible and heartbreaking, but my life was already horrible and heartbreaking. How long could I go on pretending and faking and being miserable? And no matter what happened, I’d have him.
So…” I shrug again. “I marched into the restaurant before opening that night and announced it to everyone.” I shudder at the memory. They went silent and just stared at me.
“Did they say hurtful things?” he asks gently.
“Sometimes I wish they had,” I admit, and it hurts my chest to say it. “I wonder if it would have been easier if they’d called me names or made snide comments. At least I’d have known where I stood. But they said nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nope. They just all got back to work as though I hadn’t said anything.
” I shake my head. “My cousin Sara, who wasn’t working that night, called me the next day to tell me she loved me and supported me no matter what.
If she hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t even have known if they’d heard me.
But someone must have told Sara, so…” I sigh.
“They all know I’m gay, but nobody talks about it.
Not to me, not to anyone. Today I told my mom that you and I were dating, and she… didn’t care.”
“I’m so sorry. I care, if that helps. I care a lot that you’re dating me.”
I chuckle. “Yeah. I care too. And Kevin cares. He wants me to bring you for dinner so he and Patrick can try to intimidate you.”
His laugh makes us both shake. “I can do that. What did they say when you came out to them?”
I smile at the memory. “I got hugs. They both thanked me for trusting them, and then Kevin made a rainbow cake. It was lopsided and the colors were kind of bleeding into each other, but to this day, it’s still the most beautiful cake I’ve ever seen.”
“I bet it— Holy fuck!”