Chapter 31
Chapter 31
In the end, Fitz had left Yvette at Badcombe House and returned on her own to Bignor and Mrs Bertram to collect their belongings and say goodbye.
‘We thought seeing as Yvette was happy at my father’s, it would be easier to leave her there,’ explained Fitz.
‘Oh, that is good news. I am pleased,’ enthused Barbara. ‘She’s a dear little girl. I hope everything works out for her.’
‘I’ll do everything possible to make sure it does,’ replied Fitz.
‘So now, you just have to sort yourself out.’
‘I do,’ agreed Fitz. ‘I’m determined to make every day count. I’m very lucky to have the chance to do that.’
‘Indeed. As are we all.’
‘Thank you so much for your kindness and good luck with everything.’
She parted from Barbara Bertram with a sense of contentment, something she had felt yesterday when she’d left Badcombe Hall. It was a fanciful thought, but she wondered if she was finally laying some of her past demons to rest. No, demons was too strong a word. Maybe her ‘hang-ups’. It sounded awfully American to say that, but it was the best expression she could think of.
And of course, there was the issue of Sam. Another American hang-up – but one she was more than happy to have. All she had to do now was convince Sam of this.
Bob was very kind, he had offered to pick her up again and this time instead of two wheels, he arrived in four – a black Vauxhall staff car.
‘Going up in the world, are we?’ teased Fitz, climbing in beside him.
‘I’m taking it for a test run,’ said Bob. ‘Problem with the spark plugs.’ He winked at Fitz.
‘You’re such a dear,’ said Fitz.
Soon they were pulling up outside the entrance to Goodwood House. Fitz took out her compact mirror and checked her hair, before touching up her red lipstick. ‘There how do I look?’
‘Perfect,’ said Bob. ‘And if he doesn’t open his eyes and realise what he’s got, then he’s an arse.’
Fitz laughed. ‘I agree.’
‘Good luck, Fitz,’ said Bob as she exited the car.
Fitz watched Bob drive off. He had to get the car back to the airfield before someone clocked what he was really up to. How she was going to get home, she didn’t really care. At the moment, her main priority was to talk sense into a certain American. This was another mission she was determined to complete.
Thankfully, the nurse she’d seen earlier in the week wasn’t on duty and a young one, who was much more welcoming, greeted Fitz.
‘Flying Officer Sam Carter,’ said the nurse after Fitz informed her who she had come to visit. ‘I’ll just go and see him.’
‘Actually,’ said Fitz quickly. ‘Would you mind not telling him? I want to surprise him.’
The nurse looked at Fitz uncertainly. ‘Surprise him. I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.’
‘Please,’ said Fitz. ‘He won’t be cross. I promise.’ She discreetly crossed her fingers as she spoke.
‘All right, then. Just this once, seeing as Matron is busy on another ward.’
Fitz could have hugged the nurse. She followed her through the door which the previous nurse had used and along a corridor. ‘There you are, bed five.’
‘Thank you,’ said Fitz. She could see Sam sitting up in the bed in the corner of the room. He had a good spot with the benefit of a large bay window which overlooked the west side of the building. Fortunately, he wouldn’t have been able to see the front and so had not spotted Fitz arriving.
She approached the bed, aware she was drawing attention from some of the other patients. ‘Hey, Miss. Have you come to see me?’ called out one of them. ‘I could do with cheering up.’
At that point Sam looked around. His eyes taking in Fitz approaching and then flitting to the bay where the remark had come from.
‘Ah, Miss, don’t disappoint me,’ continued the man.
Fitz ignored him. Her gaze firmly fixed on Sam.
‘Cut it out, Jones,’ said Sam.
Jones muttered something indeterminable but then didn’t say another word.
‘Hello, Sam,’ said Fitz as she reached his bed.
‘Why are you here?’
‘That’s a nice way to greet someone who’s come to see you.’ Fitz sat down on the bedside chair. From her bag she took out a newspaper and a bar of chocolate.
‘So, you’re here to while away ten minutes to ask me how I’m doing and make pitying comments about my injuries?’
‘My, we are feeling sorry for ourselves, aren’t we?’ said Fitz. She had prepared herself for Sam being bad-tempered but maybe not quite as hostile as he appeared to be.
‘Don’t start preaching about me being lucky to be alive,’ said Sam, not looking at her. ‘I may as well not be.’
‘What on earth are you talking about?’
Now he looked at her. ‘Are you serious? They did tell you what happened, didn’t they? I have only got one leg. They had to amputate half the other one.’
Fitz could see the pain and anger in his eyes but there was something else under the surface, there was fear. ‘I am fully aware of that,’ she said evenly. ‘You make it sound like your life is over.’
‘It may as well be.’
‘Why?’
Sam made a scoffing noise. ‘Because I can’t fucking walk.’
Fitz hadn’t heard Sam swear before but undeterred she carried on. ‘Don’t be so ridiculous. Hundreds of men are amputees and you can get the most amazing prosthetics these days. There’s nothing to stop you doing all the things you’ve always done. You’re just being silly.’
Sam closed his eyes for a moment. ‘If you’re finished giving me a lecture, then you really should go.’
Fitz let out a gentle sigh. ‘I’m not here to fight with you, Sam,’ she said softly. ‘I’m here to tell you I’m sorry for walking away from you. For not being honest with you. For not trusting you or myself.’
He took a deep breath before answering. ‘You should have saved yourself the journey. Like I said before, go and marry your squadron leader boyfriend.’
Fitz sighed. ‘There was no squadron leader. No boyfriend, at all,’ she confessed.
‘No boyfriend, huh?’ For a moment she thought she saw a brief look of relief on Sam’s face, but then it was gone, replaced by the scowl. ‘It’s irrelevant now anyway,’ he said.
Fitz pushed on. She hadn’t come here to be turned away at the first obstacle. That being Sam’s stubbornness. ‘When I heard your plane had been shot down, I was devastated,’ she said.
‘And it’s taken you all this time to come here. You don’t have to do this out of pity or any sense of loyalty.’
‘I’m not,’ said Fitz. ‘I was asked to join SOE.’ She probably wasn’t supposed to tell him, but she didn’t care. He deserved to know the truth.
He turned his head to look at her. ‘SOE?’
‘Yes, it’s––’
‘I know what it is.’
‘The night I was flown out to France, I saw Bob and he had the letter you’d written. I told him to look after it until I got back. I couldn’t take it with me. He told me you were MIA.’
She watched as Sam took in what she was telling him. ‘He shouldn’t have told you.’
‘I made him. I’m glad he did,’ said Fitz. ‘It made me realise what an absolute idiot I’d been.’
‘You went to France on a mission?’ asked Sam, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.
‘Yes. And as you can see, I came back.’
‘I had no idea.’
‘That’s the way it’s supposed to work,’ said Fitz. ‘Need-to-know and all that.’
Sam studied her and she was grateful her bruising had all but gone. She’d also applied more face powder than she normally would. Sam didn’t need to know what had happened to her, not yet anyway. In time, she hoped she would get the chance to tell him, but this wasn’t about France. This was about her and Sam. Their future.
‘All the time I was in France, you were on my mind,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid I had been. When I returned to England, I got your letter from Bob. He had been looking after it for me.’
‘You should rip it up. It doesn’t mean anything now,’ said Sam, bitterly.
‘You’re wrong,’ replied Fitz. ‘It means everything. I said just now that I had been an idiot. Do you want to know why?’
‘Even if I say no, I get the feeling you’re still gonna tell me.’
‘Too bloody right I am,’ said Fitz. ‘And you’d better make sure you listen because if you don’t, I’m simply going to keep repeating myself.’
Sam shook his head. She didn’t miss the corners of his mouth tipping a fraction in amusement. Then he held up his hands in a get on with it, I’m waiting, gesture. ‘If you must,’ he said.
‘You remember when I last saw you it was at Tangmere, right after that attack?’
‘Like I would forget,’ said Sam.
She didn’t care that he was being snippy, he had every right to still be angry with her. ‘You told me that our conversation wasn’t over,’ continued Fitz. ‘So I’m here to continue it.’
‘Is there a point to all this?’ said Sam, looking at his watch. ‘You know, I’m a busy man.’
He really was in a bad mood. Fitz wasn’t put off, in fact, she relished the challenge. ‘Have it your way,’ she said. ‘And listen up, Flying Officer Sam Carter.’ She edged forward in her seat so she could lower her voice, aware that they were drawing quite a lot of attention. ‘Ever since my mother died, I’ve wanted control. You know that, we’ve spoken about it before. I wanted control because with that came security. I needed to be in control of everything, what I did and what I felt.’ She paused to catch her breath and forced herself to slow down. ‘When you came along, you turned everything upside down. I loved being with you. When I wasn’t with you, you were constantly on my mind. My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night.’
His face softened a little and he looked at her. ‘It was the same for me. You don’t have to explain it.’
‘I had never felt like that about anyone before,’ said Fitz, sensing she was making headway. ‘I didn’t know it was possible to feel that way. But that frightened me. Instead of embracing it, I shied away from it. Tried to deny it, even to myself. If I didn’t acknowledge it, then it couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be losing control …’ She paused again, as her words caught in her throat. She had to get out everything she wanted to say before she started crying. ‘I … I didn’t want to call it what it was.’
Sam studied her face, as if trying to work something out. ‘What was it?’
‘Love,’ replied Fitz. ‘It was pure unadulterated love for you. And it terrified me.’ She brushed away a tear that had managed to escape her eye. ‘I was deeply in love with you and I ran, Sam. I ran from it because I was scared.’ More tears breached the rim of her eyes. ‘It was the biggest mistake of my life. It wasn’t until I heard you were MIA that it hit me. That I had lost you and had never told you how I felt.’
She saw him move his hand as if he was going to reach out to her, but he stopped and curled his fingers around the edge of the mattress instead. ‘You still haven’t told me,’ he said.
‘I loved you, Sam. With all my heart. You were the best thing that had ever happened to me and I had pushed you away. I cannot tell you how sorry I am.’
The silence was thick and heavy between them. Fitz fumbled for a tissue from her pocket and wiped her face, sure she was smudging all her make-up, but she was beyond caring at this point.
Sam looked expectantly at her. ‘Is that it? You came all this way to tell me that you loved me once and you’re sorry you never told me? Well, sweetheart, that makes me feel a whole lot better.’
‘Don’t be so facetious,’ said Fitz. ‘I loved you then and I love you now. I will never stop loving you, Sam. Never. And I am never going to walk away from you again.’ When he didn’t say anything, she repeated her declaration. ‘Did you hear me? I love you.’
‘You should go,’ said Sam.
‘I should do nothing of the sort,’ retorted Fitz. ‘You love me. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes, and it is written all over your face. I can feel that love, even though you’re pretending you hate me right now, I know you don’t.’
She held her breath, as she waited for him to reply.
‘It’s not a case of not loving you,’ he said at last. ‘I loved you, right from the word go, but I have nothing to offer you now. I’ve nothing to give. I can’t do anything.’
Fitz let out a sigh of relief that he had openly admitted to still loving her. ‘You’re being defeatist,’ she said. ‘You can still drive, swim, even fly a plane. Everything can be adapted. The only thing holding you back is you. You’re Sam Carter. You love the challenge and the danger and risk. Why are you giving in?’
‘I’m not giving in, I’m being realistic,’ said Sam. ‘I’m not the same man I was before.’
‘Who told you that?’ She waited dramatically for the pause. Sam didn’t reply and she continued. ‘No one told you that. Only you. I didn’t fall in love with what you are, I fell in love with who you are and that’s the difference. You’re still the same man. The same heart. The same mind.’
He looked at her and Fitz stared right back at him. Honestly the man was making this so difficult.
Finally he spoke. ‘You will get bored of me. You need to find someone who can give you the life you crave. The excitement and the adventure. It’s in our blood, Fitz. I can’t stand in your way. In fact, I can’t stand at all, right now.’
‘That’s not funny,’ said Fitz. She threw her hands up in exasperation. ‘You’re a stubborn fool. Stay here and wallow in self-pity, if that’s what you want.’ Then leaning closer to him, with as much self-control as she could muster, ‘If you really want to do all the things you claim to love, then the Sam Carter I know will find a way and not make up lame excuses.’
With that she straightened up and began to stride away from his bedside. She wanted to throttle the stubborn fool.
Then she heard him call out. ‘Lame excuses, huh? That’s worse than my attempt at humour.’
She stopped but didn’t turn around straight away. She was aware the whole ward was now watching them like they were some kind of theatre group who’d popped in to entertain them. Gosh, weren’t her and Sam just excellent fun?
She turned to face Sam. ‘Sorry, bad choice of words.’
‘Oh, I don’t know, love,’ said Jones, who was sitting up in bed now, not even pretending he wasn’t listening. ‘You sounded spot on to me.’
‘Shut up, Jones,’ called out one of the other men. ‘I want to hear how this ends.’
‘If the Yank let’s Blondie go, it’s not just his leg he needs to worry about, it’s his head,’ said another, which caused a ripple of laughter around the ward.
Fitz raised her eyebrows at Sam. ‘So, is the Yank letting Blondie go?’
Sam fixed her with those oh-so-beautiful blue eyes of his and for once Fitz couldn’t read what she was seeing. She had an awful feeling she had misjudged the whole situation. She lifted her chin a fraction, to try to retain some sort of dignity. If this was a game of brinkmanship, she was about to fold.
‘Godammit,’ muttered Sam. ‘No, he’s not. The Yank was being an idiot.’
Fitz rushed back over to Sam’s bed, throwing herself at him. She didn’t care that the room was full of wounded servicemen who were all now cheering and whooping as she kissed him. It was only when the nurses hurried in to see what all the fuss was about that Fitz pulled away.
‘Oh, you made that such hard work,’ she scolded, wiping her smudged, red lipstick from his face. She kissed him some more before the ward sister descended on them and insisted Fitz should restrain herself and if she couldn’t she should leave.
Sam grabbed Fitz’s hand. ‘She’s not going anywhere just yet.’
‘Well, kindly control yourselves,’ said the ward sister. And then pulled the curtain around the bed. ‘At least in front of the others,’ she added, before bustling out through the curtain and back onto the rest of the ward.
Fitz collapsed on Sam, both of them giggling.
‘Are you sure about this? About us?’ asked Sam, once they had stopped laughing. ‘It’s not going to be easy.’
‘I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life,’ said Fitz. ‘Although there is something I haven’t told you about yet.’
‘And that is?’
‘When I came back from France, I didn’t come back alone.’
‘You didn’t?’
‘Let me explain.’ Fitz gave him a slightly more detailed version of events than she’d told her father and Camilla. He deserved to know the truth. She looked at him once she’d finished. ‘So, it’s not just me. For a while, until the war is over, it’s me and Yvette.’
He reached out and touched her face. ‘I didn’t think it would be possible to love you any more than I already do,’ he said. ‘But you’ve just taken my love to new heights. Way higher than any plane I’ve flown. You really are a remarkable woman, Fitz, and I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but hell, I’m so glad you came into my life. And that you came back to me.’
‘I was always coming back to you,’ said Fitz. ‘It simply took me a while to work it out, that’s all.’
She hugged him, resting her head on his chest. For the first time in a long time, she felt contented. All her sharp edges had been smoothed and she liked this new improved version of her life.