Chapter 26 #2
‘My mother’s plan was for me to do my exams, have the baby and then have it adopted.
I had no choice in the matter. Mother didn’t want any shame brought upon the family.
I took my exams at the local sixth form and tried to forget about my old life in London.
I started to bleed at thirty-seven weeks, so they rushed me to hospital, where they realised the baby had decided to come early.
She was born safely, although a little small.
Milly, or at least that’s what I would have called her.
Mother and Auntie Maureen had been in touch with a local Catholic adoption agency who had lots of worthy childless couples only too willing to adopt a new baby.
To be honest, I was so out of it I hardly even remember seeing her properly. And then she was gone.’
‘We’ve got a sister, and you never even told us?’ says Cassie, removing her hand from mine, rage starting to overtake her. I nod, concerned by her reaction.
‘I’m sorry. I really am, Cassie.’ I don’t know what else I can say. There are no words that can change this situation or make things any better.
‘Where is she now?’ Will asks gently.
I shrug sadly. ‘I don’t know. Hopefully, she’s had a good life with her adoptive family.’
‘How long have you known, Dad?’ Cassie hisses at Gray. I’ve never seen her this angry, or hostile, ever, and it’s all my fault.
‘A couple of days.’ Gray replies calmly, understanding of her reaction, ignoring the way in which she’s talking to him. ‘It’s taken Mum a long time to come to terms with everything that happened to her.’
‘Didn’t you ever try to find each other like they do on the telly?’ Will asks thoughtfully. I feel relieved that at least one of my children is showing understanding and acceptance. I don’t know if I could handle double the negativity.
‘I couldn’t do that without telling your dad first. And… the longer time went on, the more I panicked that he’d leave if he found out.’
‘I completely support your mum, and this doesn’t change how I feel about her.
I’m only sorry that she didn’t feel she could tell me earlier so that we might have perhaps been able to find Milly.
’ says Gray loyally, once again showing me that I was wrong to hold secrets from him.
Every time he shows he’s here for me, I feel so lucky to have him.
And then I have to swallow down a lump of guilt.
‘I still can’t believe you kept Milly a secret for all those years. How could you keep lying to us all for so long? It’s like we don’t even know you anymore. How can we ever believe a single word that comes out of your mouth?’ Cassie shouts, pointing accusingly at me.
I feel physically sick. I want to make things right but whatever I say to Cassie now is just not good enough. The damage has been done. ‘I’m sorry.’ I whisper. I just want to hold Cassie, with all her hurt, and tell her everything will be ok, but she’s looking at me like I’m a stranger.
‘I just shelved the idea that I’d even had a baby, but there was always a void in my life until you came along, Cassie.’ I continue, hoping she can see how much she means to me, that she can still trust me and the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her.
‘I couldn’t get pregnant for years and then you came along, and we were so happy, and everything was just perfect and not long after we had Will. There’s also a reason I’ve chosen to tell you all about Milly now which I will explain.’
‘Don’t bother Mum. I think I’ve worked it out. You’re #thegirlinthesong that Ed Nash has been banging on about, aren’t you? You’re Evie Del Rio. TikTok has been awash with rumours ever since that Netflix documentary was released.’ Cassie says, almost triumphantly.
‘Umm. Yes, I am. I’d hoped that you wouldn’t work it out.’ I reply quietly.
‘It’s because Grandad sometimes calls you Evie and you have to admit that Del Rio is quite an unusual surname.
’ Cassie continues. ‘You don’t have to be a genius to work it out.
’ She looks at me with almost a kind of loathing burning from her eyes.
This is not the sort of reaction I’d expected from Cassie, and it unnerves me.
‘I just want to forget that part of my life and concentrate on my family…’ I begin.
‘But Milly is part of your family… of our family. What sort of mother doesn’t want to find her firstborn child?
Do you know, I actually feel sorry for Ed Nash.
Poor bloke deserves to know that he has a daughter.
You’re a disgrace, a complete liar and a poor excuse of a mother!
’ Cassie rages, her spittle lands on my cheek.
I’m silent. My heart literally aches for the pain that I’ve caused my family.
‘Cassie, how dare you speak to your mum like that. Apologise immediately.’ Gray shouts as he stands in front of me, as if I’m some vulnerable object he needs to protect.
But I don’t need protecting. Cassie does.
This is all my own fault. How can I be angry at her words when I caused this mess?
What right do I have to fight against her or stand up for myself?
‘No. She acts all high and mighty, when the truth is, she did all the things she’s always told us not to do. She’s a hypocrite.’ she screams, pointing at me, accusingly.
‘Cassie…’ Gray begins.
‘It’s fine, Gray. I know I’m a hypocrite.
’ I put my hands on his arms, gently moving him to the side.
‘I wanted you two to learn from my mistakes.’ I say, eyes darting between Cassie and Will.
‘I’ve always tried to protect you both and help you from making wrong decisions.
You both know that I have a very odd relationship with Grandma, and I have always tried so hard, not to be like her.
I’d like to feel you could both come to me for help, whatever the situation.
I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you, Cassie, but all I know is that I love you both so much, and whatever you think of me, that will never change. ’
‘You seriously think you’re any better than Grandma after lying to your children and your husband for years?
’ Cassie marches off to her room, slamming the door.
My insides tighten. She might as well have slammed my heart in the door as she left.
Cassie’s known for her emotions. That’s what makes her so empathetic and caring.
That’s what also makes her hurt harder though.
I could have handled just a “I hate you” because she would never have meant it.
Once Cassie calms down, she always ends up swept up in guilt.
I’ve often held her like a little child in my arms after an emotional outburst. But being compared to her—my mum—with the image of her I’ve had my whole life… that somehow hurts more.
‘I’m sorry, Mum, about everything that has happened to you.
I’m trying to understand everything, I really am, but wow, that’s amazing to think we’ve got an older sister.
Don’t worry about Cassie. She’ll come around eventually.
She’s been such a moody cow since we left London.
’ says Will, giving me a hug. I wasn’t the only one who noticed her mood change, then.
‘Thanks, Will. And if there’s anything you want to ask me about what I’ve told you, I’ll try and be as honest and open as I can. I love you.’ I say, giving my six-foot son a big hug back as he lays his chin on the top of my head.
‘I love you too, Mum. I’ll try to talk to Cassie.’ he says, leaving the room.
‘Genie, I’m so sorry Cassie spoke to you like that. It was unforgivable what she said to you, but goodness, how amazing is Will? So accepting and so mature. I was sure it was going to be the other way round.’ Gray places an ever-protective arm around me.
‘It’s fine. I think Cassie is struggling in general, and this revelation is not what she expected, although she worked out that I’m #thegirlinthesong all on her own, well, with a little bit of help from TikTok.
I think she’s in shock. Also, to find out you have a grown-up sister is quite a lot to digest.’
‘You’re too understanding. She should never have spoken to you like that. I’ll be having words with her later.’ Gray says, shaking his head in disbelief.
‘Please, Gray, leave her. I think she’ll talk to me in her own time, perhaps one-on-one?’ I bite my bottom lip, dread entering my mind. ‘My only fear is that she talks to my mother.’
‘You don’t think she would, do you?’ Gray replies, his brow furrowed by the harsh reality of the potential consequences of my revelation. Neither of us thought much further ahead than just telling the children.
‘Well, she’s always been the apple of my mother’s eye. A legitimate granddaughter she can be proud of, whose parents are actually married.’ I mutter.
‘Let’s hope Felicity doesn’t get involved. Hopefully, Tony can smooth things over.’ Gray adds.
‘Dear old Dad. He’s had a lifetime of smoothing things over between us.’ I say wearily.
The children spend most of the rest of the evening in their rooms while Gray and I share a bottle of wine outside, enjoying the peace and stillness of another hot and humid night. We’ve just finished our first glass when Will comes out to see us.
‘How’s Cassie?’ I immediately ask.
‘Sulking. She can’t even speak to Mel because of the time difference.’ he says with a smug smile. I’ve been so wrapped up in Cassie not telling Mum that Mel didn’t even enter my head.
‘Neither of you must speak to anyone outside of the family about what Mum has told you.’ Gray warns, speaking quickly and sternly. ‘We are trying to decide together what the next steps are.’
‘Don’t worry about me, but you’d better speak to Cassie, as she’s bound to tell Mel. They tell each other absolutely everything.’
Gray sighs. ‘He’s right, Genie. I’ll go and have a chat with her. You stay here, relax and have another glass of wine.’ Gray holds Will’s arm gently as he passes and says softly, ‘You’ll keep Mum company, won’t you, Will?’
‘Yeah, sure. Can I have a beer, Dad?’ Will asks, taking advantage of the understanding child versus the angry child situation.
‘Go on, then. But just the one, and don’t think you’re going to have one every night.’
Gray leaves to talk to Cassie whilst Will goes off to get his beer. I’m left alone with my thoughts, wondering if things with Cassie will ever be the same.