Chapter 46
NOW
Genie
‘You ok to go?’ Gray asks me gently, touching my arm for reassurance.
‘Of course.’ I reply, nodding as I make my way to the front door. I need to see Ed face to face on my own.
The walk to the front door seems to take an age and I glance briefly at my reflection in the hallway mirror, take a deep breath and open the front door.
Standing in front of me is a stranger, albeit a slightly familiar one. He’s wearing a baseball cap, jeans and a hoodie, obviously trying not to stand out too much.
‘Hi Ed.’ I say, the reality of seeing him standing here on my doorstep hits me hard, as I experience some sort of adrenaline rush, not quite sure how to communicate with the person who has gone from the love of my life to practically a stranger.
‘Hi Evie…’ He starts to say before correcting himself. ‘Sorry. Sorry. I mean Genie… He says, seeming somewhat flustered, his cheeks flushing.
‘It’s fine, Ed. Come on in.’ I say to him sounding much more relaxed and confident than I feel.
He follows me through to the sitting room and Gray immediately stands up.
‘I’m Gray, Genie’s husband.’ Gray says confidently putting out his hand towards Ed’s as they shake hands. ‘Please, take a seat.’
Ed sits down on one of the single armchairs and I sit back down next to Gray.
‘Thank you both for agreeing to meet me. I really do appreciate it.’ Ed starts.
‘I’m going to leave you two to talk, but in the meantime can I get you a drink Ed?’ Gray says.
‘A water would be good. Cheers.’ He replies. This is all so awkward I think to myself. My husband and my ex-boyfriend making small talk in our sitting room.
Gray leaves us and reappears moments later with a water for Ed and then makes his excuses leaving us alone properly for the first time in over thirty years.
‘You look well.’ I say as the nerves now start to kick in. And he does look well. Age has been kind to him, despite that rock n roll lifestyle that he supposedly leads, if the tabloids and social media are anything to go by.
‘Thanks. You do too.’ he replies, his voice no more than a hoarse whisper. He takes a sip of his water, and I notice that his hands are shaking. Despite all his rockstar bravado that he presents to the world, he’s just as nervous as I am. Ed clears his throat.
‘I have to know why you left. It’s been eating away at me for a lifetime.’ he implores.
‘I’m so sorry. I really am sorry for leaving you….for leaving everyone.’ I begin and that’s when my tears start to fall.
Ed looks mortified that I’ve started to cry and passes me a nearby box of tissues.
‘Please don’t cry. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you.
I know that probably doesn’t sound true when I know I’ve capitalised on our relationship in the press to further my career.
But all I’ve ever wanted to know is why you left.
’ Ed says, as he gets up from the chair and sits next to me on the sofa.
‘Please, please tell me the truth.’ He pleads, looking almost deep into my soul.
I take a breath and wipe my eyes. Once I say these words, they can’t be unsaid. I’ve got to get this right.
‘All the rumours are true. I was pregnant.’ I whisper. ‘My parents found out the evening of Mark’s pool party. I had no idea.’
Ed looks poleaxed.
‘So, you left because you were pregnant?’
I just nod. My well-rehearsed words fail to come out of my mouth.
‘We could have brought up the baby together.’ Ed continues but we both know that his suggestion at that time in our lives is a ridiculous idea.
‘You think I wouldn’t have told you at the time if I’d had the chance?’ I reply quietly. ‘I didn’t get a say in anything after my parents found out. They drove me straight to Bournemouth to stay with my aunt. They didn’t want anyone to know. They were ashamed of me.’
Ed looks broken to finally have the rumours confirmed as I’m not so sure that he was ready for the truth.
‘Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you call Ginny?’ He asks.
‘They had me under lock and key. Between my mother and my aunt, I had no chance.’ I reply, looking directly into Ed’s eyes, willing for him to understand what it had been like for me.
‘If only I’d known, maybe I could have helped you? Maybe made your parents see sense?’ Ed says, reaching for my hand. I immediately pull back, the intimate gesture unnerving me. He looks hurt by my response.
‘You couldn’t have helped. My mother despised you. She put all the blame on you for the pregnancy, as if I had nothing to do with it.’ I say, laughing at the complete irony. I brace myself for his next question and I’m ready for it.
‘Did you have the baby?’ he finally asks.
‘Yes. I did. She came early. We were both very poorly.’ I say, as my carefully applied makeup starts to run as I try to wipe away my tears with my tear sodden tissue.
‘It really is true. We’ve got a daughter?’ Ed says jubilantly.
‘She’s almost thirty-three. I only saw her briefly when she was born, as I was so out of it.
The midwife told me she had masses of fair hair and the bluest eyes she’d ever seen.
’ I say as I smile, thinking about our beautiful daughter who I was forced to give away.
‘I named her Milly. But I don’t know what her actual name is now.
My mother had arranged for her to be adopted by a ‘good’ Catholic family, who could give her a better life than I ever could. ’
‘I’m sorry that I’ve caused you so much pain since that documentary aired.’ He apologises and I feel that despite everything that has happened, he really does mean it.
‘Thank you. I can’t deny that I’ve hated the attention. But I’m also sorry that you didn’t have the opportunity to see our daughter grow up. Being forced to give her away is my biggest regret.’ I reply remorsefully.
‘To be honest, my life meant nothing when you left. I was coasting for years, and when the song started getting popular, I just kind of seized the opportunity I’d been given.
I had nothing else.’ Ed reveals and I can feel that his regret is true and honest. I thought it would be difficult talking to him after a lifetime of separation, but it feels natural, almost organic.
‘I dreamt about seeing you every day after you left. I had so many questions that needed answers, but there was a big fat nothing.’ Ed continues, his words almost now in freefall.
‘When I was in Bournemouth, I wondered what you were thinking and what you were doing all the time. It was heartbreaking.’ I reply, wanting him to know how much he meant to me at that time.
‘At first being pregnant with our baby gave me comfort, even though it was also the reason that we were apart. Once I realised that my mother was planning on having our baby adopted, I tried not to think about you too much. Mainly because I knew that you would be devastated to think that I could allow our baby to be taken away. But I didn’t have a choice.
’ I say as my tears continue to fall and I don’t even have the strength to wipe them away.
‘I thought you’d hate me. And that’s why I never got back in contact with you.
It seemed easier to keep my secret that way. ’
‘I would never have hated you.’ Ed replies solemnly, touching my hand once more and this time it feels natural, despite the lost years between us there was once love and a true connection.
The contact is fleeting but a necessary action.
We’ve both made choices that we’ve later regretted but reconnecting after a lifetime apart finally feels cathartic.
My whole truth has now been shared with the one man who always deserved to be told the truth as to why I left, and I finally feel free of the burden of keeping my long-kept secret.
Ed and I spend the next half an hour just catching up on over thirty years of our very different lives and missed memories.
It feels easy talking to him and now that he knows exactly why I had to leave, he appears to feel no malice towards me for the decisions that I’ve made and I in turn can now see things from his point of view too.