Chapter 11
ELEVEN
I tossed aside the novel I’d been trying to focus on, leaning my head back against the squashy sofa cushions and sighing heavily.
I could hear Jade moving around in the kitchen, and just the knowledge that she was out there made me fidgety, unable to relax, to enjoy the hobbies I usually relished.
The door to the living room creaked, and she popped her head round, smiling.
She’d been in a strangely good mood since she’d got back from the village, completely glossing over the message I’d read over her shoulder in the kitchen – almost as if it hadn’t happened.
Now she was annoyingly chatty, as if she thought she could make me forget what I’d seen if she made enough inane small talk.
I’d refrained from encouraging her as much as possible.
I didn’t want her to think this was some holiday retreat.
That we were going to become friends. Anything that might make her stay longer than absolutely necessary was to be avoided as far as I was concerned.
Twice, she’d asked me to hold the baby – an offer I’d instantly recoiled at, finding flimsy excuses for why I couldn’t.
I should have never touched her in the first place, and now that I’d volunteered once, it seemed she was determined to make a habit of it.
It made me uneasy, and yet it also brought me more certainty that she couldn’t be Kenna.
Ryan would have poisoned her against me long before sending her here – there was no way she would trust me enough to hold her child.
‘I hope I’m not interrupting?’ she said now, stepping into the room bearing an old plastic tray laden with two steaming mugs and two plates stacked with sandwiches.
‘I don’t want you to think I expect to be waited on,’ she said, lowering the tray to the low walnut coffee table.
‘I was making myself some lunch and thought you might like some too.’
She straightened, unclipping the straps of the baby carrier across her chest and easing the scrunched-up newborn out.
I couldn’t help but watch the way the baby’s tiny limbs flailed involuntarily as they met the air.
Jade sighed. ‘Ah, that’s better. This damn thing really cuts into my shoulders.
You wouldn’t expect a baby so small to cause such neck ache, would you? ’
‘Well,’ I said, trying to find something to contribute, aware that to remain silent would be unbearably rude, much as I might like to, ‘I imagine your body is still adjusting to not being pregnant. Recovering from the birth. It will take a while before you’re back to your full strength.’
She smiled, and I looked away, feeling uncomfortable.
She continued to speak without showing any sign that she’d noticed my stand-offishness.
‘You might be right. I didn’t do much in the way of exercise while I was pregnant.
Too tired all the time. Too stressed out by everything…
’ She looked down at Amala, who was still fast asleep despite being moved – a talent reserved for newborns – then glanced back up as if remembering something.
‘Oh, did you want milk and sugar in your coffee? I wasn’t sure. ’
I’d made no move to take the offerings from the tray. Wasn’t certain I wanted to eat or drink anything made by a stranger.
‘I take it black,’ I said. ‘But I’ve already had two this morning. I’ll get heart palpitations if I have any more caffeine.’
‘Oh, sorry, I should have asked.’
I waved away her concern. ‘It’s fine. I was about to pour myself a glass of water anyway.’
‘I’ll get it. Here.’
Before I knew what was happening, I found the baby being lowered into my arms. The weight of her made me want to flinch, to let her drop to the sofa.
I felt my whole body stiffen as Jade turned, rushing back to the kitchen, leaving me alone with her child.
It was as if her mothering instincts were entirely absent.
What other reason could there be for her to be so reckless with her daughter’s safety?
To leave her with me, blissfully unaware of what had happened to the last baby I touched.
The torment she was causing in her thoughtless actions.
Amala shuffled against me. Slowly, I lowered my gaze to her face.
Her eyelids were closed, flickering as she dreamed.
I pursed my lips, turning my head away, pushing down the terrible feelings that seemed to rush to the surface like a tsunami, choking me, drowning me.
I listened for the sound of the water running out in the kitchen, then counted the footsteps as Jade made her way back to me.
‘There you go,’ she said, handing me the glass.
I took a tiny sip, sniffing surreptitiously, then put it down on the table. ‘You can have her back now,’ I said stiffly.
‘Would you mind giving her a cuddle while I have my coffee? I like it scalding hot, and I don’t like to drink it while I’m holding her in case I spill it. It’s been ages since I had a really hot drink.’
I opened my mouth, then closed it, realising I didn’t know how to refuse. It would seem churlish to deny her something so simple, especially when I could hardly claim to be busy. I sighed, then, despite my crawling desire to hand her baby back and rush from the room, gave a short nod.
‘Thanks.’ She sank into an armchair, picking up her mug and sipping her drink, her eyes half closed in pleasure. She looked at me over the rim. ‘This really is a beautiful house. You’re so lucky to live in such a lovely place. Have you been here long?’
‘I grew up here,’ I said, talking to distract myself from the feeling of the baby cuddled into my body. ‘It was my parents’ house, but they died three years ago, and I moved back then.’
‘They both died at the same time?’
I nodded. ‘It was a boating accident.’ I glanced at the photograph of them on the mantelpiece, both tanned and grinning, my dad’s arm slung casually round my mum’s shoulders.
It had been a shocking death. Some inexperienced university students had hired a massive speedboat and taken it out for the day, got stupidly drunk and crashed headlong into the little yacht my parents had been sailing off the coast of Hampshire.
They’d both been down in the cabin and had got trapped in there, the speedboat having cracked clean through the hull, the front end slamming up hard against the only door: the only escape.
The yacht had begun to sink fast, and the students had been too drunk – too stupid – to help them get free.
The boat had gone down, taking my parents with it.
‘They drowned?’ Jade’s face was pale.
‘Yes.’ I didn’t like to think of it. To remember the panicked phone call my mother had made in her final moments.
There had been no sweet goodbyes. She was begging to be saved, my father bellowing and hammering at something in the background, trying to get them free.
And I’d been helpless – less than useless – stuck indoors, miles from the coast, hiding from Ryan in the bedroom, black and blue, my eye swollen shut, listening as my parents – the only people who might have helped me – fought for their lives.
The memory of my mother’s screams still tore me from sleep in the middle of the night.
The echo of her terror, followed by that unbearable silence as the phone cut out, the awful knowledge that they were still alive, their lungs slowly filling with water.
I’d held on to that phone for hours afterwards, waiting for a miracle, for them to call, tell me they’d got free, been saved. But it hadn’t come.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Jade said, and I blinked, remembering she was watching me.
I shrugged. ‘Life can be cruel sometimes.’
‘Yes.’ She looked over to the photo of my parents, then pointed to the one beside it. ‘Who’s that?’
‘ That would be my brother, Thomas. I haven’t seen him in a long time. Years.’
‘Did he come to your parents’ funeral?’
‘No… he wasn’t there.’ I didn’t admit that I hadn’t been either. That I’d been in no fit state to go anywhere at that time. ‘They weren’t close. He wasn’t their biggest fan,’ I admitted. ‘He always felt they were too hard on him.’
‘Oh… Did you agree?’
I shrugged. ‘He was a strong-willed boy, and an even stronger-willed man. He had very different ideas about the world. How to live. They just clashed.’
‘You must miss him, though?’
I looked down at Amala, surprised to realise I no longer felt so tense. Her hand had wrapped around my thumb, holding it tight for comfort, and I couldn’t help but smile as I watched her. ‘Sometimes,’ I said, looking up. ‘But I’m better off on my own. I prefer it that way.’
‘It must be lonely.’
‘No.’ I smiled. ‘It’s just how I like it.
I never was much of a people person.’ I looked over to the photo of Thomas, thinking of all the ways he’d let me down.
All the terrible things that had happened to me, all the awful things I’d done in return…
things my brother might have been able to prevent if he hadn’t turned a blind eye, looked out for himself.
But that was what people were like. They didn’t see what was needed.
Didn’t want to tr ouble themselves, get involved.
We’d had a conversation on the phone in the weeks following our parents’ demise, and the things he had said, the assumptions he’d made about me, had left a bad taste. I doubted I’d ever see him again.
Jade gave a sigh, then took another sip of her coffee. ‘Family can sometimes be more trouble than they’re worth. Mine certainly were,’ she added darkly.
‘You don’t see them?’
She shook her head. ‘My dad was never in the picture. And things were… complicated with my mum. I have a sister, but we were never close. The only person I really felt any connection to was my cousin. He helped me out of some difficult situations.’
I felt my stomach twist at the words. Since I’d read that message, seen that horribly familiar nickname on her phone, I had refused to let myself go down that path, berating myself for even considering that Ryan had sent Kenna here to play games with me.
I had forced myself to put the idea from my mind.
Jade’s revelation now undid every speck of my efforts to hold those fears at bay.
I held her gaze, wondering what the look in her eyes meant; if she was enjoying this.
‘He’s been through a hard few years himself, but I’ve been there for him too. It’s been a good opportunity to pay him back for all he’s done for me. But the rest of them…’ She shrugged, gulping back the last of her coffee, then placing her empty mug on the table. ‘They can go to hell.’
I felt like I was going to vomit… like I would drop the baby.
I gave a sudden start, then stood in a rush, carrying Amala to her mother, not giving her the option to push me further out of my comfort zone.
I shouldn’t be holding her. Hosting them here.
Aaron was right. They should never have made it through the front door.
I left the sandwiches uneaten on the tray and, without another word to Jade, walked outside to the garden, my mind racing. Who the hell was this woman, and why was she doing this to me?
I would never be able to relax with her under my roof. I wanted her gone. For good. And I was going to have to figure out the best way to make that happen – soon.