Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Now
I woke with a start, hearing sounds in the ancient house that had me instantly on edge, the creak of the wooden floorboards outside my bedroom door making me sit bolt upright, straining my ears for a sign of the man who had destroyed the girl I’d once been.
It had been three days since Jade’s arrival, and still I had no answers.
It had been clear after our conversation yesterday that she had no intention of revealing her secrets, and despite searching high and low, I still couldn’t find the photograph my aunt had sent of Ryan’s new bride.
Enough was enough. I couldn’t go on like this.
Wouldn’t allow myself to fall victim to one of his traps again, become that stupid, na?ve girl who he’d manipulated, controlled – broken.
I’d thought I was stronger now. What my delightful ex hadn’t bargained for during those years of playing with my mind, forcing me time and again to extend the boundaries of what I believed to be morally right, was that I would lose my empathy.
Not just for the people he wanted me to hurt.
But for him too. For the whole damn world.
In the end, it had been his sick games that had given me the means to come up with my escape plan, had made me cold enough not to care that what I had done was wrong.
It was hard to even think of it now. Something about living alone, with nothing but my own conscience for company, had shone a light on the terrible things I’d been forced – and had chosen – to do in those years with Ryan, and despite myself, the guilt had been inescapable.
In order to live with myself, I had let myself believe that I’d had no choice. Forgiven myself. But with Jade and Amala here, my past was screaming at me once again, and the urge to bury it all somewhere deep and inaccessible was all I craved.
I got out of bed, dressing quickly in the denim shorts I’d tossed on my dressing table stool the night before, pulling on a cotton T-shirt and scraping my hair back into a ponytail without bothering to brush it.
When I opened my bedroom door, it was slowly, cautious of what – who – might be lurking in the corridor beyond.
I longed to break into a run, the closed doors to either side of the long, wide corridor making my heart beat faster, my imagination running wild with the terrible possibilities that might be waiting to catch me off guard.
I walked quietly through the house, edgy, my ears pricked, and found Jade in the kitchen.
Her back was turned to me as she poured orange juice into a tall glass, then gulped it down in one go.
She put the empty glass on the counter, breathing heavily.
‘You okay?’
She turned as if startled and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
Amala was asleep in the carrier on her chest, and I marvelled at how few times I’d seen her with her eyes open.
She seemed to always be napping. I realised that in another lifetime, a better version of myself might have known that.
Might have known a whole lot of things about babies, their habits, how to take care of them.
I shook off the thought, looking away from her, focusing instead on Jade’s freckled nose.
‘Oh, hi, Annie,’ she said, smiling. She nodded to the glass. ‘I can’t stop drinking. I think it’s the breastfeeding. I’m constantly craving juice.’
‘I’ll ask Aaron to pick some more up later,’ I said, glancing at the near-empty bottle.
She followed my gaze, looking guilty. ‘Sorry. I should have saved some for you.’
‘It’s fine.’ I walked over to the kettle, filling it with fresh water, trying to find the right words to begin as Jade chopped some honeydew melon into slices, her back towards me again.
‘I want to talk to you,’ I said suddenly, knowing there was no easy way around it.
She turned, biting into a slice and chewing slowly. ‘About what?’
I folded my arms, feeling horribly vulnerable. ‘About Ryan.’
I watched her face as she gave a convincing frown of confusion. She was good. She really was. Just as I had learned to be.
‘We were together for ten years. And he was abusive from very early on.’
‘I’m sorry.’
I ignored her. ‘He beat me. He raped me. He locked me up and he broke my soul, over and over, until I wasn’t sure I even existed any more. He broke me completely.’ I realised I was digging my fingers into the soft skin of my upper arms so hard I knew I would leave bruises.
‘Why are you—’ She broke off. ‘That sounds awful, really awful. But why are you sharing this with me, Annie?’
I felt a wave of anger, sure that she was playing dumb.
I’d done it myself, under his tutelage. Pretended to be stupid to gain access, information, do his bidding.
It made me livid that nothing but the partner had changed.
I hated remembering how good I’d become at playing the role of innocent, loved, happy, just as she was now.
As if she didn’t understand why I was spilling my secrets to her .
‘You told me you were running from someone. Someone dangerous . Obviously my mind went straight to him. Why else would you have come to me if it wasn’t because you knew I would understand?
That was why I let you stay. But now…’ I shook my head, frustration making me want to scream until there was no air left in my lungs.
I met her eyes. ‘It’s not lining up in my mind.
I deserve the truth, Jade. I’ve let you into my home and put myself at risk in order to do the right thing, but you’re not making it easy for me.
Did he make you do it? Is he planning to come for me now that he’s tracked me down? ’
She dropped the slice of melon back on her plate, shaking her head.
‘ Come for you?’ She raised an eyebrow as if the idea was entirely outlandish.
‘Annie, stop. You’ve got it wrong. I… I’ve had my issues in the past with men, though nothing like what you’ve just described.
But Amala’s dad has never been in the picture.
I’m not here because I’m fleeing abuse.’
‘ What? You said you were in danger! That’s the only reason I let you stay! This isn’t a fucking hotel!’
She was lying. Either now, or when she’d turned up.
I knew what I’d heard, and I’d believed it because it had made perfect sense.
Why else would she have looked so terrified when she’d rushed into my garden?
Why had she looked so uncomfortable when she’d had to go into the village to get nappies?
She was protecting him. Regretting telling me the truth early on and trying to backtrack now.
It made my blood boil. She clearly had no intention of telling me his reasoning for sending her here.
I would have to get hold of her phone, search through it to find out what was really going on.
‘No, I said I was in a difficult situation, and I am. I’m sorry I gave you the impression I was fleeing abuse. I’m not sleeping well and I’m under a lot of stress. I muddle my words a lot lately. If I’d known your past… I can imagine how triggering that would have been for you,’ she said softly.
‘I don’t understand.’ I shook my head, trying to recall her exact words.
Had I let my own fears fill in the blanks?
I’d been here on my own for so long. It was possible I’d let my imagination run away with me.
Seen my worst fears coming to life. I took a deep breath, clenching my fists and releasing them, trying to dispel the tension fizzing through my veins.
‘If you’re not running from abuse… if you’re not here at his behest,’ I said, spitting the words as if she’d give herself away, blush and look guilty, ‘then what are you doing here?’
She sighed. ‘I wish I could tell you. But it’s complicated. I’m sorry, Annie. Look, just give me a couple more days and then we’ll be gone. There are just a few things I need to sort out… Please, can you give me that?’
I stared at her, unable to speak, unable to know what to think, what to believe.
The memory of her face, pale and terrified, when I’d told her to leave that first night came to mind, and I swallowed, wishing she would just confide in me, let me help her.
Whatever was going on, I could cope if I knew.
This secrecy was driving me mad. I didn’t know what I might do…
I let my gaze travel down to Amala’s sleeping face, those cherubic cheeks, her little pursed lips, and thought I couldn’t bear to have her here… couldn’t stand it.
‘I’ll go to the shops now. Get that juice for you,’ she said quietly, reaching for her bag.
Silently, I watched her go.
I would have to get that bag… the phone, her purse too. I needed to delve inside it at the first opportunity and take the answers she was too afraid to give.
I picked up my mug of coffee and gulped deeply, my fingers trembling as I listened for the sound of her fading footsteps on the flagstone floor.