Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
ANNIE
I felt like a trespasser in my own garden as I lurked awkwardly beneath the magnolia tree, waiting for Aaron to go on his evening stroll through the village.
I knew he wouldn’t be popping by again today, having already dropped the shopping off with Jade earlier, but I had to speak to him.
I’d wanted to ever since Jade had admitted the truth to me, and yet each time I’d seen him coming up the path, I’d avoided him, unable to bring myself to voice the terrible words.
I knew how he would react, what memories it would bring back – the past we’d both glossed over in our desperation to forget. But I couldn’t keep this from him any longer. I needed him.
It was my shame, my longing to leave the past where it belonged, that had made me hesitate, lie.
And more than that, my doubt. The worry that years of isolation had made my imagination overactive, made me jump to conclusions that nobody else would think of.
But now Jade had admitted the truth herself.
I’d been right. She was Ryan’s new wife, and she had come here needing my help.
And after days of carrying the fear that my safe place was about to be invaded by a man who still had the power to make me sick with terror, I knew I couldn’t keep it in any more.
I needed Aaron’s help, his advice. It was ridiculous that I couldn’t bring myself to walk through the garden gate, take the ten steps up the lane and knock on his bloody door, but the idea of heading out there made my legs turn to granite, my chest tight and panicked.
I just couldn’t help it. The memory of the last time I’d been out there – carried, not walking, stinking of death and dried blood, barely conscious of what was happening around me, what I was being accused of – stopped me in my tracks.
Here, in the house and garden I’d grown up in, I was safe.
Hidden. I could do no harm. Cause no distress.
It was best for everyone – me most of all – that I stayed tightly within my boundaries.
The sound of footsteps jolted me from my thoughts, and I stepped out from beneath the tree, standing just inside my front gate. His gaze as he passed rose to my house, trained on my bedroom window. I cleared my throat, and he stopped short as he saw me waiting there.
‘Annie, hi!’ His face broke into a wide smile despite the way we’d left things when we last spoke.
I was relieved, I realised, that he was still on my side.
I’d been more upset than I wanted to admit at his reaction, though I knew it had been my own lies that had caused it.
But the way he was looking at me now, there was no trace of that anger.
He nodded towards the shovel propped against the tree behind me. ‘Still gardening at this time?’
I shook my head, clasping my hands together as I stepped towards him. ‘Can I talk to you?’ I murmured.
His smile faded as he took in my expression. ‘Of course. Look, I’m sorry about how I spoke to you. I was just?—’
‘It’s not that. You were being a good friend.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘What’s happened?’
I glanced over my shoulder to the house, not wanting to be seen by Jade. ‘Not here,’ I whispered. ‘Come with me. ’
I turned, heading for the narrow path that ran alongside the house, leading him towards my secret garden out the back, emerging into the circle of hedges. He raised an eyebrow, clearly confused, but lowered himself onto the bench beside me, waiting in expectant silence for me to speak.
I took a deep breath, not meeting his eyes.
‘I lied to you,’ I said, my voice thick with shame.
‘Jade isn’t an old friend. She turned up here looking terrified and begged me to let her stay.
I didn’t want to. You know how I feel about letting anyone into the house.
’ I could feel his gaze on my face, though I couldn’t bear to look up.
‘But I remembered a letter from my aunt…’ I gave a shuddering sigh, knowing I was rambling, not making things clear, and raised my eyes to meet his at last.
‘She was so afraid, Aaron. Clearly running from someone. She said as much – that she was escaping abuse – and I knew it had to be him she was running from. Why else would she come here ? It’s no coincidence – she meant to seek me out.’
‘ Him ?’ Aaron’s brow creased in confusion.
I took a deep breath. ‘My ex.’ I met his eyes meaningfully, knowing what memories the word would dredge up for him.
‘What makes you think he has anything to do with this woman?’ he asked softly.
‘My aunt told me last year that Ryan had got married. There was a photo – not that I can find the bloody thing now, but I was sure it was Jade.’
He nodded, then pressed his lips together, taking it all in.
‘You should have told me what you were thinking, Annie. You don’t have to deal with every challenge alone.
You’re allowed to ask for help.’ His brown eyes met mine, and I held his gaze, feeling the swirling guilt in my belly at having got it wrong again.
‘I’ve been so afraid,’ I whispered. ‘She admitted it. She is his wife. She married that monster!’
He frowned. ‘She said that?’ His tone was incredulous .
‘I should have warned her. Done something when I received that letter and found out he was getting married. But I let myself hide away here, and now she’s discovered for herself what kind of man she’s shackled herself to.’
He reached for my hand, his fingers linking through mine, cool and strong. ‘It’s not your fault, Annie. You know you could have told me this earlier. I would have helped you.’
My heart stuttered, a current of electricity I wasn’t strong enough to resist passing through me, a rush of heat chasing up my neck, warming my cheeks.
I wasn’t ready for this. Didn’t know if I ever would be.
I slid my hand from his, leaning back to create some space between us, ignoring the flash of disappointment in his eyes.
I reached beside me to pick a tiny yellow leaf from the hedge, ripping it in half, rolling the pieces between my fingers in an attempt to dispel the nervous energy pumping through my veins.
‘I didn’t want to talk about him… to remind you of the person you’d met back then.
You hated me,’ I reminded him quietly. ‘You were disgusted by me.’ I closed my eyes, picturing the first time he’d seen me.
The cold, blank look of a professional trying to keep his composure.
He’d been in uniform, surrounded by his team.
Blue flashing lights everywhere. A perfect nightmare.
The weeks that had followed had been a blur.
He didn’t deny my accusation, and I felt sure he was thinking of that time too. ‘It’s taken a long time for us to get to this place… this friendship ,’ I said, risking a quick look at his eyes, surprised to see them still warm, open. ‘I didn’t want to ruin that.’ I bit my lip.
‘I’m glad you told me. I wish you’d done it the day she showed up. I don’t know if she’s being totally honest with you, Annie. Don’t trust her blindly, and don’t share your secrets with her.’
‘My secrets? ’
He took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring.
‘I’m not going to call you na?ve, because I think you see things in a person that everyone else would miss.
But as much as I admire that about you, it’s also your downfall.
You look for the good in people whilst glossing over the red flags.
It’s how you found yourself in that toxic excuse for a relationship, trapped, being taken advantage of, and still walked away blaming yourself. ’
I ran my tongue over my teeth, then chewed my lip. ‘I’m different now,’ I said softly.
He looked at me as though he wasn’t sure about that, and I felt the stubborn desire to prove it.
To show him he had got it wrong. I had been weak, pathetic, but there was a fire in me now – a darkness I couldn’t squash, casting shadows on the very fabric of my soul.
And though I knew I should be afraid of it, try to eliminate it, I wouldn’t.
It brought me comfort. Made me sure that if it came to it, I could delve into those dark spaces in my mind and somehow come out as a victor…
because the alternative was unacceptable. I would never be a victim again.
Aaron sighed. ‘I googled her. Jade. I couldn’t find any trace of her online, but I never went further than that.
I knew you would tell me who she really was when you were ready.
It makes sense that she’d give a fake name if she was afraid of a man like that looking for her.
’ He paused. ‘Here’s what I’m going to do.
I’ll pop into the station first thing tomorrow and get the team to run some checks on her, confirming she is Ryan’s new wife.
’ Something in his expression made me think he still didn’t believe it, but I didn’t want to focus on that – not when he was offering to help me.
‘You don’t need to do that.’
‘For my own peace of mind. And then we’ll get her into sheltered accommodation. As much as you might want to help her, you shouldn’t put yourself in a vulnerable position to do it. You have to protect yourself.’
‘The baby, Aaron, that baby… ’
‘We’ll get her somewhere safe, okay? Far away from here. Away from you . She’s going to be gone before you know it. She’s going to be fine.’
I shook my head, unable to believe him, unable to stop myself picturing another baby who hadn’t survived. The tiny, helpless newborn who’d been dragged from my arms, blue and cold… who’d never had a chance. Because of me .
‘They can’t stay here,’ I whispered.
‘I know.’
He put his arm around me, pulling me close, and just for a moment, I let myself sink into his warmth, knowing I didn’t deserve his comfort.