Epilogue
Aaron and I watched the ambulance drive away, my brother in the back.
The paramedic had said that the axe had only gone an inch or so into his thigh, thankfully missing any major arteries, though the blow to the head had caused him to pass out.
He was concussed and needed stitches in the leg wound, but he would be up and about in no time.
Before he’d left, having already been given a dose of morphine, he’d smiled and said, ‘When I’m discharged, I’ll come over and see you, Annie. We have a lot to catch up on.’
I’d smiled and hugged him, watching them wheel his stretcher into the back of the ambulance, grateful to have him back in my life and determined to hold on to my relationship with the sibling I’d never truly understood. Perhaps this time it would be different between us. I hoped so.
Aaron turned to me now, looking at Amala, his brow creasing. ‘I suppose I’d better call social services to come and pick this little one up. We’re going to need to track down her real father.’
‘Let me take her to the station,’ I said, meeting his eyes. ‘She knows me. She’ll feel safe. I don’t want to hand her over to some stranger.’
‘You want…’ He looked towards the gate as if he didn’t quite believe I could leave this place, even if I wanted to. ‘ You’re going to bring her to the station?’
I gave a firm nod. ‘If you’ll take us?’
His face broke into a wide smile. ‘Of course I’ll take you, Annie. Anywhere, any time.’
‘Let me just get my bag.’
Carrying the sleeping baby, I walked carefully back up the path, opening the back door and heading through the kitchen.
My bag was on a hook in the hall, containing only tissues, my purse and some gum.
It was dusty, I realised. It had been hanging there unused for so long.
I grabbed it, not allowing myself to linger inside, to have any opportunity to back out of my offer.
I didn’t know what had even made me say it – only that I couldn’t bear for Amala to be frightened.
She was going to have a difficult time ahead of her, and if I could soften that transition in any way, I would.
When I walked back out, Aaron was standing alone, waiting for me.
The rest of the police had left, taking a screaming Jade with them, and I wondered how long it would take for her to be moved back to the prison.
Aaron had promised she would be seen by a doctor to assess her bleeding, but the paramedic had declared her fit to be taken to the station for the time being.
I imagined her sentence would be extended significantly, and her freedoms – if she’d had any – would be greatly diminished this time around.
It would be a very long time before she got out again.
I was devastated for Amala. She would have to grow up without a mother.
It was a harsh start to life, and I felt livid with Jade at having been so reckless.
She must have known that sooner or later she’d be caught and taken back to prison.
She’d said she was doing this, fleecing Thomas, for her daughter, her future, but she hadn’t seemed to have considered the stakes, the price Amala would pay when it all went to shit.
Aaron pushed open the low wooden gate without a word.
I was glad he wasn’t making a fuss about what a big step I was about to take, expanding the already massive bubble of fear in my belly.
As I followed him to the waiting squad car, I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him in his uniform, noticing how well it fit him.
He caught me looking, and I glanced away.
‘Here,’ he said, opening the back door. ‘There isn’t a car seat, I’m afraid, but I’ll put the blue lights on, and we’ll take it nice and steady. Face her towards your body and put your hand on her head to support it.’
I dipped low, stepping into the car, noticing that Aaron had put his hand between my head and the door frame to cushion it.
He seemed unaware of his innate habit of protecting me, little gestures that to him were just being kind, a gentleman, but that made me feel safe, comparing him to Ryan and remembering how he had loved nothing more than when I got hurt.
My heart thrummed faster as I met Aaron’s eyes.
‘Do you want help with the belt?’ he asked.
I nodded, and he leaned in, gently clipping it in place, his hair brushing my cheek, the smell of his skin, warm and clean, filling my nose.
He carefully shut the door, then headed round the car, climbing in the driver’s side and speaking into his radio.
He placed it back in its holder, then turned to me. ‘Ready?’
‘We’re ready.’
The engine roared to life, and then we were moving.
I couldn’t help but stare as the house grew steadily further away.
My heart began to race, my mouth dry though my hands were drenched in sweat, but I soothed myself, patting the baby, breathing in her sweet, calming smell, absorbing her warmth as I reminded myself it was her I was doing this for.
She deserved someone to be strong for her.
The house disappeared from view as Aaron turned the corner, and ahead I saw huge arches of roses on the village green. ‘What are those?’ I asked, curiosity overcoming my anxiety for a moment.
‘Oh, there was a village fete at the weekend. Stalls, Punch and Judy, coconut shy, cider tent. A quintessentially English affair.’ He grinned. ‘Didn’t I mention it?’
‘No,’ I said softly. Now that I thought about it, I had a vague memory of hearing music on the breeze, but I’d passed it off as someone having a summer barbecue. I felt a pang of regret at how much I’d missed. The community I had refused to embrace because I was too afraid.
The sun was sinking lower now, though there were still a few hours until night would fall, and the burnt orange light made the fields of rapeseed glow, the cloudless sky streaked with colour, the endless expanse of it making the world feel bigger than I’d remembered.
It was like seeing a painting I’d forgotten about, the beauty – the possibility of it – overwhelming.
I couldn’t look away. We drove in silence for a while as I soaked up every scene, every stunning picture.
As we reached the town, I felt myself gape in awe at the people sitting outside cafés and bars, laughing and drinking and making the most of the balmy summer evening.
‘I’ve missed such a lot,’ I said softly.
‘I forgot what it was like to be amongst people. To go where I wanted, when I wanted.’ I shook my head at the realisation of what I’d lost. ‘I’m so completely institutionalised, I didn’t even consider I might want to leave the safety of my home.
I let myself think it was all I would ever need.
He made me a prisoner for ten years, but I continued my own sentence for a further three. I left him, but I was never free.’
Aaron shrugged, but in the rear-view mirror, I could see his eyes sparkling as if rejoicing at my unfolding revelation.
He slowed the car to a crawl and pointed to a particularly lively café. ‘That place does the most amazing tapas and sangria. I’ll take you if you like?’ he offered casually. ‘This week?’
I met his hopeful stare and broke into a smile. ‘Do you know what, Aaron? I think I’d like that.’
I sat on a squashy blue sofa in the police station staff room, Amala full from the bottle of milk one of the PCs had produced and wearing a fresh nappy, sleeping soundly on my lap as I ate a fairly reasonable chicken sandwich, trying not to drop crumbs on her.
I was listening to, and occasionally joining in with, a lively conversation between two female officers on their break, and was surprised to discover how at ease I felt.
I’d expected a cold welcome, for people to remember the last time I was here, during the investigation surrounding my son’s death, but whether Aaron had warned them to be kind or for some other reason, there had been no indication that they even remembered me from back then. Everyone had been warm and friendly.
I had forgotten how good it felt to talk to other women, to smile and laugh.
It was as if the person I had been before I’d met Ryan had stuck her hand up, waving at me to notice her, and squinting, unsure, I watched as she walked towards me, growing steadily clearer with every step.
I had forgotten her. Become someone else, a caricature of what I thought I needed to be to survive.
What I had wanted, any desires or interests or personality traits that didn’t align with keeping me safe, had been squashed and erased.
But now I remembered. I had been happy once.
Not just safe and content, as I had been over the past three years.
But raucously, unashamedly happy. I’d been loud and fun and excited by life, by adventure, by challenge.
Ryan had seen that in me and taken great pleasure in dousing the flames, but now the embers were smouldering once again, and I would never let another person dampen my spirit. I wanted that woman back.
The two policewomen broke into laughter, trading disastrous dating stories back and forth, and I leaned back against the sofa cushions, struggling to swallow the bite of sandwich through my own laughter.
The door to the staff room opened, and I looked up to see Aaron standing there, dishevelled but gorgeous as ever.
‘You’re still awake!’ He smiled. ‘You really didn’t have to wait all this time, Annie.
It’s been hours. Someone would have driven you home, and there’s no shortage of willing volunteers to cuddle the baby. ’
I shook my head, looking over at the clock on the wall, surprised to realise it was past midnight. The time had flown by. ‘I wanted to stay with her. To make sure she felt safe.’
He nodded, and I could tell that he understood. I hadn’t been able to protect my own baby, but I wouldn’t repeat that mistake.