Chapter 46
FORTY-SIX
LIANE
EVENING
‘I have a feeling things are going to get better for us all,’ I say, warming to the theme I was touching on earlier in this family meal.
In between then, me and the other diners at this table have commented on all the delicious food we are enjoying, but I am keen to move the conversation back to something a little more substantial than how tasty the king prawns are.
‘Your father and I are retiring,’ I say to Scott and Joel, hoping they will be as excited about that news as my husband and I are.
‘Losing Mum has reminded me that life is short and we can’t take our time here for granted, so I think it’s important that we try to make the most of whatever time we have left.
And I know it’s what Mum would have wanted. ’
‘Did she say that?’ Joel asks me as I reach for my glass of wine.
‘I’m sorry?’
‘Did she ever explicitly say that she wanted you to quit your jobs and enjoy your time?’ Joel asks.
‘Well, no, not in so many words. But she was my mother, so of course she wanted me to enjoy life. That is why she has been so generous in leaving us all that money in her will. Why would she do that if she didn’t want us to be happy when she was gone?’
‘Yeah, I suppose,’ Joel replies, but I detect a slight hint of something strange, which puts me on guard a little.
It could just be that my youngest son is feeling sad about my desire to make the most of life when he feels like his life isn’t in the best place it could be after Haven left him.
Perhaps I should have been more delicate about how I phrased what I said.
Perhaps the wine I have been enjoying with my meal has already gone to my head and I need to dial it down a little bit.
Or perhaps there is nothing to worry about and Joel’s question was just a genuine one, coming from a place of curiosity rather than anything else.
‘Mum’s right. We all need to make the most of our lives,’ Scott says then. ‘I intend to live life to the full. It’s what Grandma would have wanted.’
I smile at my eldest, liking the positive spin he has just added to proceedings.
‘I guess we’ve all got some big decisions to make,’ Frederik adds then. ‘One thing is for sure, with all this money coming to us, things will never be the same again.’
That sounds very true.
But for some reason, it also sounds very ominous too.
I decide to take another gulp of wine to help me ensure I stay on the more positive side of things.
The food at the table has rapidly diminished and as the sound of cutlery scraping across plates grows quieter, it seems like we are finally achieving something that seemed impossible when we first sat down here.
We are all full.
‘Anyone want any more?’ I ask as I gesture to the sparse selection of food that remains uneaten between us. But the series of groans and stomach pats give me the answer. I guess we’re all done.
‘Why don’t you boys go and find us a movie we can watch?’ Frederik suggests. ‘Your mother and I can tidy up here.’
‘Are we thinking action or comedy?’ Scott asks as he gets up from the table.
‘Comedy, definitely,’ Joel says as he goes to follow.
‘That sounds good to me,’ I say, and I smile as I watch my sons leaving the room.
Despite all the struggles recently, what a lovely evening this is turning out to be. And the night is still young.
‘How about we open another bottle of wine?’ I suggest as Frederik begins carrying the dirty plates to the sink.
‘Sure, why not?’ he replies, and I’m glad it’s not just me who is in the mood for another drink.
As I pull another bottle of white wine from the fridge, I’m expecting Frederik and I to chat wistfully about the exciting future we have as we complete the menial chore of tidying the kitchen. But my husband lets me know that he’s seeking something slightly deeper than that.
‘How are you coping?’ he asks me, causing me to pause before I can unscrew the lid on this latest bottle of wine.
‘What?’
‘With the grief,’ Frederik says as he puts down the dirty plate he was carrying and approaches me. ‘I just wanted to check if you’re all right or if you’re putting on a brave face in front of the boys.’
My husband puts an arm around my shoulder then and I’m touched by his concern. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t a little annoyed that this sudden bout of sensitivity has taken the shine off my plan to get drunk and be excited about life tonight.
‘I’m okay,’ I say, making sure to feign some semblance of sadness. ‘I mean, I still have some hard moments, but I am okay, I promise.’
I’m not sure I’ll ever be technically ‘okay’ after murdering my mother, but I am still convinced it was the best thing for my family and that thought will surely ease my guilt gradually over the coming years.
‘Your mother’s passing has hit us all hard, but you especially,’ Frederik goes on annoyingly as he guides me back to the table. ‘Just sit down for a moment.’
‘I’m fine, honestly,’ I say but lower myself onto one of the chairs because it seems like the easiest thing to do.
If my husband wants a heart-to-heart for a moment, I’ll have to give it to him.
Maybe this is how the wine has affected him tonight.
While it has made me relaxed and carefree, it must have made him reflective and concerned.
‘I can see that,’ he says next, choosing to stand rather than sit next to me. ‘I can see that you are fine and that’s what is concerning me the most.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, how is it that you can be fine after you killed your own mother?’
I swear it just felt like the world stopped spinning for a second. No, scratch that. It still feels like the world has stopped. Everything is frozen. Time is standing still.
My husband just said I killed my mum.
How the hell does he know that?
All I can do is let out the most nervous laugh I have ever released in my life.
‘Wow, you and your dark sense of humour,’ I say, slapping my husband on the chest in a playful manner. ‘You always know how to make me laugh, but that surprised me, I’ll give you that.’
‘I’m not joking,’ Frederik replies coldly, removing my hand from his chest. ‘And I’m certainly not laughing.’
I realise how serious he is now and, suddenly, this moment has got even worse.
‘What?’ is all I can say next, grateful to be sitting now because my legs feel weak and I would have fallen to the floor if I’d still been standing. That must be why Frederik led me back to the table and this chair. He knew what was coming and he knew how I would react.
‘Just admit it,’ he says simply.
I twirl my hair with my left hand, and Frederik glares at me.
‘I don’t know what you want me to admit,’ I tell him. ‘Seriously, if this is some kind of game, you need to stop because it’s not funny now.’
I go to get up then, but Frederik blocks my way.
‘There it was again,’ he says. ‘I can’t believe I never noticed it myself in all our years of marriage. But Scott is right. You do twirl your hair with your left hand when you are lying.’
I laugh nervously again. Now what is he talking about?
‘You don’t realise you do it, do you?’ Frederik says, smirking slightly, though he still looks troubled, and deeply so.
‘You know you twirl your hair, of course. We all know it. But you don’t know that you change hands when you are lying.
I didn’t even know it. But Scott noticed it.
Many years ago, in fact. He figured out when his mother was lying to him.
Now I know it, I can figure out when you’re lying to me too, and you’re lying right now. You did kill your mother, didn’t you?’
My hair. My left hand. My lies.
I didn’t realise I had a tell. If I had, I obviously would have corrected it. But now it’s too late for that, so what can I do?
I make a snap decision.
‘I did it for us,’ I say quickly. ‘I did it for the life we can have now. The life we deserve. You can see that, right? You can understand?’
‘Oh my god,’ Frederik says, taking a small step back from me, but I’m not trying to get away from him anymore. I have to stay and convince him to keep my secret or this is all over. Everything I have done will have been for nothing.
‘Think about it. Without my mother’s money, we would have both been working for decades.
When would we have been able to afford to retire?
What if Mum lived into her nineties or even older?
She could have outlived us and then all that money she had stashed away would have gone to waste.
But now we are free to enjoy it and we can do anything.
We can travel the world. We can pursue our hobbies.
We can help the boys when they start their own families.
We can do anything and we can do it because I only sped up what would have eventually happened anyway.
Yes, I killed my mother, but she had lived her life.
We still have so much living of our own to do. ’
How can that not convince Frederik that what I did was acceptable? How can the life we now have not be better than the one we had before my mum died? He has to understand this, right?
‘You’re a murderer,’ he says sadly, stepping back again. ‘You’re dangerous and me and the boys are not safe here with you.’
‘What? Of course you’re safe. I’d never hurt any of you! I love you.’
‘You loved your mother and look what you did to her!’ Frederik cries, and while I am worried about Scott and Joel hearing this, I need not be when my husband speaks again. ‘They both know what you did. We all know.’
That grim revelation prevents me from holding out any hope that my sons can be spared from what I did. But I should have known that anyway, given how Scott was the one who apparently noticed how I behave when I lie.
‘What did you think was going to happen?’ Frederik asks me. ‘That we were just going to live happily ever after with that blood money?’
‘It’s not blood money. It’s my inheritance. It’s my right!’
‘No, it’s murder and that’s all it is,’ Frederik snaps back, forcing me to go on the offensive.
‘So what if it is? What proof have you got? That I twirl my hair with a certain hand when I lie? Now that I know that, I’ll stop doing it and what else have you got? What other evidence? None? I thought so. Well then good luck getting the police to listen to this.’
‘I don’t think I’m going to have any problem getting the police to listen to this,’ Frederik replies in a disturbingly simple manner as he walks away from me.
‘What do you mean by that?’ I ask as I go after him.
‘Call the police, Haven,’ Frederik says, causing me confusion.
‘Haven? Why are you saying her name? She’s not here.’
‘Isn’t she?’ Frederik replies.
‘Why did you just say Haven’s name?’ I demand to know as we stand in our kitchen, the remnants of the lovely meal we had just enjoyed still all around us.
‘Because she has just heard everything you have said,’ Frederik explains, not gleefully, just plainly.
‘I don’t understand. How could she have heard what I just said?’ I ask, looking around the room as if expecting to see Haven hiding somewhere, having eavesdropped on this very private conversation.
‘You saw Scott carry this box in here,’ Frederik says as he nudges the cardboard box by his feet, the one he brought in before we started our meal. ‘But you didn’t bother to take a look inside it to see what was in there.’
‘I thought it was full of photos,’ I reply. ‘Old things from my mother’s house.’
‘Yeah, it is,’ Frederik tells me before bending down and reaching into the box. ‘But it had something else in it too. This.’
At that moment he shows me the phone that had been in there and I recognise the device as belonging to my husband. But why was it hidden inside the box? Why hadn’t it just been in his pocket like it should be?
‘I’m on a call right now with Haven,’ Frederik explains before adding the sucker punch. ‘And she has been recording everything we have said.’
Suddenly, heart-stoppingly, I know I am caught. This is the moment I know there is no point fighting.
It’s over for me.
And in devastating fashion.
‘How could you do this?’ I cry as Frederik holds the phone in front of my face, and the only thing that stops me trying to take it from him is knowing he would swipe it away before I got the chance.
‘I’m not the bad guy here,’ my husband says coldly. ‘I’m just trying to make things right. For far too long there has been a toxic part of this family and it has poisoned us all, slowly and gradually over the years.’
‘I’m your wife! I’m the mother of your children!’
‘Yes, and you’re also a murderer.’
That can’t be denied. Not after I openly admitted it only a few minutes ago.
There I was, thinking that I was doing a good job of convincing Frederik that we could have a great life together now we had Mum’s money, when in reality, all I was doing was digging my own grave.
I said everything he wanted me to say and there was no taking it back.
I could have tried to deny it, to pretend that I was joking, but that wouldn’t work.
It would have only added further shame and embarrassment to my sinking situation.
So I’m not going to try and take back what I said. I’m too deflated to even attempt it.
Nor am I going to try and change the way my husband looks at me.
I can see all is lost between us and while I can’t see my sons at this moment, I know all is lost for me and them too.
I can’t see Haven either, though I know she is there, still listening in on the call as Frederik holds the phone out of my reach.
That’s why I can’t resist saying one more thing before sitting down and accepting my fate.
‘You bitch,’ I say loudly and clearly for Haven to hear.
At that, my husband shows me nothing but a smile, but it’s not a happy one. It’s not one full of joy or hope. It’s a sad smile. A smile that says he has won but lost so much in the process.
It’s a smile that confirms my worst fears.
Not only have I lost my family now.
I think I’m going to lose my freedom too…