23. Chapter 23
Chapter twenty-three
~ZED~
The wrought-iron gates are already open when I turn off the coastal road, and Lilly shifts in the passenger seat as the SUV rolls beneath them.
“Are we here?”
“Yeah.”
She waits for more, but I keep my eyes on the narrow lane winding through rows of enormous trees.
Their branches stretch high above us, breaking the afternoon sunlight into shifting patterns across the windshield while old marble and weathered stone appear between carefully trimmed hedges on either side.
It doesn't take her long to figure it out.
“Oh,” she breathes.
I glance over. Her attention has moved beyond the window now, taking in the cemetery as we drive deeper into it.
It sits high above the Rhode Island coastline, far enough from the road that the Atlantic is louder than the traffic we left behind.
A low stone wall runs along the eastern edge of the grounds, and beyond it, blue water stretches all the way to the horizon.
White roses climb sections of old black fencing while massive hydrangeas bloom around some of the family plots, bright against acres of green grass.
It's beautiful.
Probably one of the most beautiful places in Rhode Island.
Still a cemetery.
I follow the lane into the older section and pull beneath a huge oak tree. The engine cuts off, leaving us in a silence broken only by the wind moving through the leaves overhead.
Lilly turns toward me. “Zed?”
“Come on.”
I get out and walk around the rented SUV. By the time I open her door, she's watching me with the same quiet uncertainty she's had since I told her I was taking her to meet someone this morning.
I hold out my hand.
She places hers in mine without asking another question.
Her fingers are warm as I close mine around them, and we start down the stone path together. It curves through the oldest part of the cemetery, passing weathered family monuments and headstones with dates old enough that some of the names have nearly disappeared.
Normally, Lilly can produce twelve questions before I've finished answering the first one. Today, she stays beside me and lets me take her where I'm taking her.
I know what that costs her after last night.
The Mercer family plot sits close to the eastern wall, bordered by low stone and shaded by two enormous trees. Most of the markers belong to people I know only from family stories and old photographs.
Then there's Nico.
His white marble memorial stands out against all that weathered gray, framed by white roses. Fresh flowers rest against the base. My mother still has them replaced before the old ones have a chance to wilt.
Lilly slows beside me.
I feel her fingers tighten around mine before she stops completely.
NICHOLAS MERCER
Beloved son and brother
Beneath his name, carved in smaller lettering, is a quote copied from his own wiggly handwriting.
We are the bestest friends forever and ever!
Next to the inscription is a photograph set into the marble.
His dark hair is windblown, his pale blue eyes crinkling at the corners while he grins at the camera. The picture has been cropped to show only him, but I know the original. Nico is sitting on my shoulders with both hands buried in my hair while sixteen-year-old me holds onto his ankles.
He loved being with me.
Didn't particularly care if I wanted company either. If I was shooting pucks in the driveway, he was collecting them. If I was watching a game, he was beside me arguing with the refs. If Dom came over, Nico somehow became part of whatever we were doing.
He was my shadow.
Occasionally an irritating one.
Mostly, I liked knowing he was there.
“Oh, Zed.”
Lilly's voice pulls me back.
I look down and find her staring at the photograph before her eyes move to the dates beneath his name.
“I'm so sorry,” she whispers.
I squeeze her hand because I've never found a useful answer to that.
Her gaze returns to the picture.
“He has your eyes.”
“Yeah.”
“He looks like a little version of you.”
“He hated when people said that.”
Her head tilts. “Why?”
“Wanted to look like himself.”
A tiny smile touches her lips.
“He was a happy kid,” I tell her. “Woke up happy. Went to bed happy. Usually made enough noise in between to make sure the rest of us knew he was in the room.”
“Were you like that?”
“Believe it or not, I was a fucking delight.”
Her smile grows.
“We both were.”
I look back at the photograph and see him in a dozen different places. Waiting at the bottom of the stairs for me. Sitting on the kitchen counter while I made us something to eat. Running outside with his skates before I'd even agreed to take him anywhere.
Seven years between us never seemed like much.
He was my little brother, my shadow, and my favorite person in the world.
Lilly turns her face toward me.
“Is this why you brought me here?”
“Part of it.”
I turn toward her.
“I'm sorry about last night. For shutting you out the way I did and making you feel like you did something wrong by asking me questions.”
Her bright eyes shine as she looks up at me.
“No, I'm sorry.” She places a hand against her chest. “I pushed you before you were ready. I shouldn't have done that.”
“You weren't wrong,” I say immediately. “That's how getting to know someone works. You ask questions. I'm the one who acted like a dick.”
She watches me for a moment.
“What made you change your mind?”
“You.”
For years, I've kept everyone far enough away that I never had to decide how much of this I was willing to give them. It was easier that way. I could carry Nico with me every day without letting anybody close enough to see what I'd done with his death.
Then Lilly happened.
I look down at the woman beside me.
I want every fucking part of her. I want her in my house, in my bed, in my life. I want to know where she is when I wake up and where she's going when she leaves. I want every smile, every argument, every ridiculous question and every piece of her she's willing to give me.
And I want it permanently.
That means I don't get to keep half of myself locked away and still expect all of her.
“I've spent years shutting everyone out of this part of my life because I couldn't face it myself.” My fingers tighten around hers. “But I'm not doing that with you.”
Her eyes search mine.
“I want you all the way in.”
Her lips part slightly.
“And if that means facing every fucking demon I've spent years avoiding so I can be the man you deserve, then that's what I'm going to do.”
“Zed…”
“I mean it.”
Her eyes shine harder.
I bring her hand to my chest, holding it there.
“I want you, Lilly. More than I want to keep hiding from this.”
She stares up at me for a long moment before closing the small gap between us and pressing herself against my side. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and tuck her closer, breathing in the scent of her hair while we look at Nico together.
“Zed?” she murmurs after a while.
“Mm?”
“Can I ask what happened to him?”
I look at Nico's photograph.
“Nico loved hockey,” I begin. “Mostly because I did. When he was little, anything I did was automatically the greatest thing he'd ever seen.”
My mouth shifts faintly.
“He started skating young. By eleven, he was better than I was at his age.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Kid was good.”
I don't bother hiding the pride in my voice.
“He was fast. Fearless. Had better hands than he had any business having at eleven. And I loved teaching him.”
Our coaches wouldn't let us practice together because of the age difference, and public rinks were always packed. My parents eventually decided to build a private one at the house so we'd have somewhere to skate together.
“Nico was excited from the day construction started. He'd come home from school and check what they'd done before he even came inside.”
I can still see him standing at the windows, watching grown men work as though his supervision might speed things along.
“The rink looked finished before it actually was. The ice was down, but there were still safety inspections and reinforcement work that hadn't been completed.”
I stare at his photograph.
“There was caution tape across the entrance.”
Lilly goes still beside me.
“I decided it was safe.”
The words come easily enough.
They've never been the part I had trouble remembering.
“I wanted to get out there with him. We'd been waiting for months, and I figured we'd skate for a little while and be gone before anybody knew.”
Nico asked me if we were allowed.
“I told him we were fine.”
He believed me.
Why wouldn't he?
I was his big brother. If he fell, I picked him up. If somebody fucked with him, they dealt with me. If something scared him, he came looking for me.
“I laced his skates when we got inside. I always did.”
I can still see his foot bouncing impatiently while I tightened the laces around his ankle.
Come on, Zed.
Hold still.
I am holding still.
Your leg is moving.
That's not my whole body.
A faint smile pulls at my mouth.
“We got on the ice and skated. Ran drills. Took shots. He was so fucking happy.”
So was I.
The rink was finally ours, and for a while there was nothing except our blades cutting through untouched ice and Nico talking shit every time he managed to beat me at something.
“For the last drill, he went in net. He'd just stopped one of my shots and was making damn sure I knew about it when I heard something above us.”
I remember looking up.
“First it was a creak. Then part of the light rig started pulling away from the ceiling.”
The sound that came next has never left me.
Metal tearing loose.
A sharp crack above us.
Nico following my eyes upward.
“I yelled at him to move and went for him.”
I dug my blades into the ice and threw myself forward.
“The rig came down and took part of the ceiling with it. Something caught me across the shoulder and threw me sideways before I reached him.”
Lilly's hand tightens against me.
“It tore my shoulder and sliced my arm open.”
“Your scar?”
“Yeah.”
I remember hitting the ice and seeing blood spreading underneath me.
“For a second, I thought the blood was his. Then I realized it was mine.”
Relief hit me so hard I almost felt sick.
Because if the blood was mine, maybe Nico was okay.
“I turned around and couldn't see him.”
The net was buried beneath metal and debris.
Then I heard him.
Even now, I can hear exactly how he said my name.
“I started pulling shit off him. My shoulder wasn't working, so I did it with one arm until I found him.”
His head appeared first, then his shoulders and one arm. Everything below his chest disappeared under the wreckage.
“He was awake. Looking right at me. I thought he was pinned.”
Pinned was something I could fix.
“Then he opened his mouth.”
My jaw tightens.
“There was blood on his teeth.”
Lilly's breath catches.
“I moved enough debris to see what had him trapped.”
I keep my eyes on Nico's stone.
“A long piece of metal had gone straight through him.”
“Oh my God.”
She sucks in a sharp breath, her fingers tightening around mine.
“I knew not to pull it out.”
Nico didn't know how badly he was hurt.
He only knew I was there.
“He asked me what was happening. I told him he was going to be okay. My phone was on the bench. I got it, called 911, and went straight back to him. The dispatcher kept me on the line, told me not to move him and to keep him awake while the ambulance was on its way.”
I swallow hard.
Lilly stays quiet beside me.
“Then he asked me, ‘Am I hurt, Zed?’”
My eyes stay on Nico’s stone.
“I told him just a little. Told him the doctors were coming.” I pause. “His chin started trembling, and he told me he was scared of doctors.”
“He hated doctors?” Lilly asks softly.
“Yeah.” I drag a hand over my jaw. “I told him I knew. Told him I’d stay right beside him when they got there.”
My throat tightens.
“He asked me to promise.”
Lilly’s fingers tighten around mine.
“So I promised.”
I take a breath and keep going.
“I started asking him what he wanted for dinner. Anything I could think of to keep him talking.”
“What did he want?”
“Spaghetti.” I glance at her. “His favorite.”
The smallest smile touches her mouth, but her eyes are wet.
“I promised him we’d have it that night. Told him we’d get ice cream afterward and watch whatever movie he wanted.”
Anything to keep him awake.
Anything to give him something beyond that rink to think about.
“The ice was freezing, and his cheek was pressed against it. He started shivering, so I lay down beside him and slid my good hand underneath his head.”
The cemetery falls away for a moment.
His hair against my fingers.
The cold soaking through my clothes.
His cheek resting in my palm.
“He kept looking at me.”
Like he always had.
With complete trust.
I told him I wasn't going anywhere.
Then his mouth moved.
You're my hero, Zed.
My eyes stay on his photograph.
“He told me I was his hero.”
Lilly presses closer.
“I told him he was my best friend.”
The smallest smile touched Nico's mouth.
Bestest.
A quiet breath leaves me.
“Bestest,” I correct.
“The sirens came soon after, getting louder as they turned onto the property. I told him I could hear them. Told him they were almost there.”
I take a breath.
“His eyes were on mine, but he wasn’t answering anymore. I said his name and touched his cheek. His eyes were still open, but he wasn’t blinking.”
Lilly’s fingers squeeze my hand.
“I called his name again.”
My voice catches, and I stop for a second.
“Nothing.”
I stare at Nico’s name carved into the stone.
“The paramedics came through the doors a couple of minutes later.”
For a while, neither of us speaks.
The breeze moves beyond the stone wall while Lilly turns into me and buries her tear streaked face into my chest.
“I told him it was safe.”
Lilly pulls back enough to look at me.
“I know I didn't make that ceiling fall. I know I couldn't have known it was going to happen.” My jaw tightens. “But he was eleven. I was his big brother, and he trusted me to know better.”
“And you've never forgiven yourself.”
“No.”
It's the simplest answer I've given her all day.
“I shut everyone out instead.”
Her eyes move over my face.
“Until me.”
I slide my hand around the back of her neck.
“Until you.”
Lilly reaches up and lays her palm against my jaw.
I look back at Nico's grin.
“He was the best thing in my life.”
“And he knew you loved him, Zed.” Her voice is soft, but there’s no hesitation in it as she holds my gaze.
Yeah.
He did.
He knew every time I laced his skates. Every time I let him tag along when I could've told him to stay home. Every practice, every game, every ordinary day neither of us knew we should've been memorizing.
He knew while he lay on that ice with his face in my hand.
“Yeah,” I say quietly. “He knew.”
Lilly presses herself against me again, and I fold both arms around her.
I can't change what happened to Nico.
I can't go back and make a different decision.
But I'm done letting that decision take everything that came after it too.
Especially her.
I lower my mouth to her hair.
For Lilly, I'll face it.
Every ugly fucking piece.
Because I know what it could cost me if I don't.
And losing her isn't a price I'm willing to pay.