The Goddess Calls

Chapter 1

“That’s it, I’m fucking deleting all these damn dating apps.”

I slam my phone down a little too aggressively, seeing that there is still no message notification from the guy I’m supposed to be meeting.

He is twenty minutes late. He is the one that set this date up, and he’s late; maybe he hadn’t even planned on showing up.

Is it wrong to hope something terrible happened to him and that’s why he isn’t here?

Geez Kinley, way to be a downer. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the dates I’ve been on lately are turning me into a pessimist. All kinds of scenarios start swirling in my head.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been stood up, and it probably won’t be the last. What is wrong with men these days?

I take a sip of my wine, hoping that maybe the crisp, bright flavors will dampen my anger.

I rushed home from work to get ready for this, and I’m starving too!

Maybe I’m hangry. I really need to eat before I start snapping at people.

Even if he does end up showing, with the mood I’m in, I’m not going to be good company.

It was a long day at work, and right now all I want to do is just go home.

My stomach gurgles as the tempting scents of Thai dishes swirl around me.

I’ll order some food to go, and if I still don’t hear from him I’ll leave.

My gaze wanders as I take in the eclectic decor; it’s a weird blend of Thai culture mixed with mountain lodge chic, and for some strange reason, it works.

It gives the place an endearing yet exotic vibe, but the spices that permeate the space are probably what really gets people in the door and keeps them here.

I’ve ordered take-out from here before, but have never had a reason to sit down and eat.

At least he picked a place with good food.

I wave the waitress down, and when she approaches she gives me a knowing look that I absolutely despise. I don’t want her pity.

“What can I get for you?”

“Can you put in a to-go order for Chicken Pad Thai please?”

She looks me up and down after putting the order in on her tablet.

“Girl, screw whoever stood you up. If you don’t mind me saying, you’re an absolute babe.

” She gives me another once over, taking in my knee length sapphire off the shoulder dress.

I blush a little at her scrutiny . Is she checking me out?

She leans in, before asking me quietly, “ You’re not gay by any chance? ”

Well, that is not what I was expecting her to say. Too bad I’m not; she is pretty.

“ Unfortunately, I’m very straight. Not that it does me any good when the guys I’ve been attracting are subpar at best. It’s very flattering that you would ask though. I really like your tattoos by the way; they are so colorful.”

I look at the beautiful swirling designs that run up her arms and on her chest. I wish I was brave enough to get tattoos.

Her warm smile lets me know I haven’t bummed her out. “Thank you, hey let me go put your order in, I’ll have them put a rush on it. Would you like another glass of wine? It will be on me.”

“That is a tempting offer, but I need to drive home.”

“I’ll be right back.”

She walks away, and I glance down at my phone one more time and see a message notification. Ugh, finally! Maybe he had car problems. He’d really seemed like a nice guy. I click the icon for the dating app and as I read the message my heart sinks, my stomach grows heavy, and then I get pissed.

Brandon_06: Hey there, so I’m really sorry for wasting your time. You seem like a really great girl, but I’m just not into bigger girls. I thought I could get over that, but when I got to the restaurant I just couldn’t bring myself to walk up to you. Hope you understand.

What the fuck! Had he shown up and then bailed when he saw me?

My eyes well up, and that makes me even angrier.

A tear slips down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away.

I go to respond, to tell him how his pictures aren’t fooling anyone about his premature balding.

How he isn’t even worth a pity blow job, but then I stop myself.

This guy isn’t worth the time; I can’t let a stranger bring me down to that level.

I’m not a mean person; I try really hard to avoid being that way.

I have enough emotional trauma just from my mother.

She gave me an up close and personal view of how not to treat people.

Thanks, Mom. So, just because he’s shallow doesn’t mean I will be too.

I’m so mad and hurt, but again he is practically a stranger.

His opinion doesn’t matter, but I do allow myself to be petty for a few minutes, just to get it out of my system.

Yes, I’m plus size, but my pictures on the app show my whole body. I’m not hiding anything. I look good, damn it! Ugh, he’s a stupid asshole . Probably has a small dick and is intimidated by my ass.

I continue to berate shallow men in my head as I block him on my account, but then I decide to take it a step further and just delete the app. I’m so done.

I had enough put downs to last me an entire lifetime when I was younger, and I’m not going to allow it now that I’m an adult. I drain the rest of my wine and wait for the waitress to bring me my take out.

I can’t change people’s opinions on what they find attractive, but I can at least remove myself from the toxicity. I’m going to go home, cuddle my pets, and eat my food before I crawl into my comfy as hell bed. I’m perfectly fine without a man, even if I still want one.

With a full stomach and a heart that is heavier than I would like to admit, I crawl into my plush bedding.

Sighing deeply as I inhale the comforting scents of mint and eucalyptus, letting the calming effects seep into me.

I bury myself into the soft sheets until only my head is exposed.

It has been an exhausting day, but I only have one more work day until I get a mini vacay with my bestie.

“I just need to get through tomorrow and then I can take a moment for myself.”

The comforter indents as Indy jumps on my bed, his tiny paws sinking into me and making me wince as he purposely walks up the length of my body.

His feet are so pokey, even without his claws out.

It’s too dark in my room to see him, but he soon bumps his head into my chest and I wrap my arms around his soft-furred body.

I cuddle him close, and his purr rumbles to life.

“Next time I get the great idea to download a dating app can you just bite me, or scratch up something I enjoy? I don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of dating anymore, Indy.”

His soft meow is the only answer I get before he’s kneading his front paws into me and his purring grows in volume. The vibrations soothe me until I’m lulled to sleep.

Dreams begin to stir in my mind. At first, it’s just the usual nonsense.

Until my dreams take on a more sinister theme, sounds and images that plague my very soul.

I’m surrounded by darkness, so thick I feel its weight on my shoulders, pushing down, down, down while I fight to not crumple under it.

The slap of my bare feet echoes loudly on the cold smooth floor.

I have no idea where I’m going, but I am spurred on by an urgent need to keep moving forward. Something is waiting for me.

“Kinley! What do you think you’re wearing?”

I hear my mother’s loud angry voice, but I don’t see her.

“Mom?” My voice wavers more than I’d like to admit as I turn in a circle, searching for her.

“Kinley, don’t ignore me. You know no one is going to want you if you present yourself like that.” The sneer in her voice instantly puts me on edge and I fight the urge to hunch my shoulders.

“Mom? I don’t know what you are talking about.”

An incessant buzzing fills my ears, but not loud enough to drown out my mother.

“I can’t believe that after everything I’ve done for you this is how you treat me. Your appearance is a direct representation of me, Kinley. People will talk!”

My lungs labor to pull in the air that has suddenly gone thick and acrid. My heart pounds with the strain and my stomach roils. I don’t like this. I don’t want to be here.

“Mom, stop please.”

“If only you looked more like me, then people would actually know that you are my daughter. People probably think I’m an awful mother when they see how overweight you are.”

I shrink smaller and smaller. “Stop.” I whisper as her voice continues to spew hate and ridicule.

I still can’t see her, but her words pierce my soul.

My hands slap over my ears like that will be enough, but I know better; it never helped in the past. No matter how much I try to block the words from my mind, I can’t shut her out.

I’m not sure when her words become garbled, but suddenly all I hear is her screaming my name.

“Kinley! Kinley! Kinleeeeeyyyy!”

Over and over she yells my name, and soon the mental pain I feel turns to physical agony.

My mind can’t make sense of what is happening.

My vision becomes blurred, and soon my mother’s cries are joined with others, including my own.

I’m utterly blind to what is happening, but I can just make out the sounds of fighting amidst the cacophony of fear.

It’s too loud, and there is too much pain. Goddess, the pain is overwhelming.

“What is happening? Why does it hurt so much?” My words are so loud in my ears, even with the noises that surround me.

But then it all goes quiet.

I’m utterly alone. Flooded with pain.

It hurts to draw in breath. I’m rooted to this very spot, unable to escape, unable to make sense of what is happening. My breaths come out in gasps, echoing loudly in the silence.

I want to drop to my knees and curl in on myself. Make myself as small as possible, but I still can’t move. I want to sob, cry out for help. But no words leave my lips.