Chapter 20
Ozanna insisted we leave immediately. She wanted to be as far away from the warband as possible. Thankfully I was feeling well enough to ride. The pain that had me hobbled wasn’t from my brush with death. Lobikno had put me back together entirely with the last of Emma’s blessing. My injuries were metaphysical; where the soul meets body, or spiritual. Irnon’s horrid gift had left me heart-hurt and weary—injuries that would heal faster with rest and things that uplift the spirit. In theory at least. But Oz also wasn’t wrong about putting distance between our small group and the mountain. And while I wouldn’t die of these injuries, it did leave me feeling disconnected from my loved ones.
The unfamiliar distance between Oz and me was particularly distressing. Perhaps it was because we lacked Emma’s influence, but it could just as easily be that we were tired and troubled. Sleep and safety would be the best remedy for these. I just had to be patient.
Ozanna rode beside me. It wasn’t so dark once we were off the forest trail and on the road. The canopy wasn’t as thick there and moonlight illuminated the way well enough for her partial elven vision. She used it to watch Oshruli, and Lobikno, more than she looked at me. I reminded myself that it was just her concern for the boy’s well-being that kept her eyes turned away. Zelfek was correct in saying she’d protect all the boys, but she was ill prepared for the reality of elven children.
Oshruli preferred to stand on the front or back of the saddle so he could observe his new environment unhindered. Elven children were nimble and had little fear of falling for how light they were. In my experience there was nothing they couldn’t climb given the opportunity. Convincing Oz of it was the hard part. At first, she’d insisted he sit, but it wasn’t long before he was swinging on the mane of her gelding while she scolded him ineffectively in the trade language.
Once he was done laughing, Lobikno collected Oshruli and told her to watch how he handled the boy. Though it technically wasn’t handling because Lobikno simply allowed his son to roam freely and climb where he pleased, aside from the horse’s tail. It had taken some time, but Oz had mostly stopped throwing a hand out to catch him if he fell.
“What kind of tree is that?” Oshruli asked as he clambered up to stand on one of his father’s shoulders. He pointed to a bough just a little out of his reach.
I saw Oz twitch as though she was preparing to try and catch him. “He’s fine, my love,” I reassured her in a murmur.
“I don’t know, really. Some kind of fir?” Lobikno shrugged but was otherwise unperturbed by Oshruli’s constant flow of questions and observations.
Perhaps I’d somewhat inoculated him over the years.
“Is it the same as that one?” Oshruli asked, pointing to another fir tree.
“Probably,” Lobikno answered and gave Oz a thoughtful glance. “Ozanna might be the better person to ask.”
Oshruli’s shoulders slumped. “I can’t understand her,” he said.
“Uncle Lhoris and I do,” Lobikno said patiently and reached out for a low hanging bough, snapping off a cluster of leaves. The movement didn’t affect Oshruli’s balance on his shoulder perch, but Oz still twitched.
Oshruli squeaked in shock when the fir twig broke off in Lobikno’s hand. “Does that hurt the tree?”
“Nah,” Lobikno answered. “Oz,” he called. “What kind of tree is this?” He tossed the cluster to her.
She caught it and summoned her little light so she could examine it, then gave Lobikno a half smile. “You know, just because I’m part tree-elf doesn’t’ mean I know all about trees,” she teased gently. “You’re just lucky I happen know this is a silver fir.” She tossed it back. “You can tell by the two white stripes on the underside of the needles.”
Lobikno gave her a thoughtful frown. “Huh. Ok.” Then he set to explain it all to Oshruli.
Lobikno looked more at peace with his attention on the boy. The underlying tension that had always made it seem as though he was one inconvenience away from snapping was gone. His smile seemed less forced. It made me consider how much he’d hurt these years.
I rubbed my chest, where I felt phantom claws and the tender aftermath of what was arguably a conflict between two divine powers. Ah, these goddesses and their gifts. Lobikno’s heart hadn’t been so literal a battle ground, but it had certainly seen it’s fair share of this pain. And he’d been coping with it for nearly a century. I’d only dealt with it for a few weeks.
How did he do it?
Lobikno picked up the pace a little bit, Oshruli giggled and squealed in delight at the burst of speed, and I allowed the gap between us to grow so I could have privacy with Oz.
“Are you well, my love?” I asked when her eyes finally drifted in my direction.
She didn’t answer right away, brows pinched, and lips pursed as though considering her words. It was one of the things I appreciated the most about her. She was honest, but not callously so.
“I’m not okay now,” she admitted with a sigh, “but I will be before long now that I’m with you again.”
I swallowed. She wasn’t okay because I’d been foolish enough to love her. The expression was one cannot love anything in Irnon’s shadow, but I feel Dulanzo was the one that made that so … prevalent.
“Do you have any injuries that need tending?” I asked. “Is the baby alright?”
“Bhekna healed me of the worst injuries. And he said the pregnancy is okay. Zelfek and some of Lobikno’s sons tended to it,” she explained, her brow furrowed again. “I want to tell you everything, Lhoris. But I want to do it in the safety of your arms.”
“I’d like that,” I confessed. “I’d like that more than anything.”
She gave me an oblique glance and cautious smile and uttered two words that crushed my already aching heart. “You would?”
Dulanzo had her for less than a handful of days and he made the most confident female I’d ever encountered doubt herself. She thought I wouldn’t want her anymore. Her shame was almost palpable.
“Yes, more than anything,” I reassured her emphatically. “If you think whatever happened in that compound will change the way I feel about you, you’re wrong.”
“You don’t know what he did,” she whispered.
I gave her a sad smile, because I knew Dulanzo’s methods all too well. “He used your best qualities against you. He manipulated you with Oshruli, correct?” She gave me a little nod. “He made you do things you wouldn’t have otherwise done, and then twisted your love in such a way that it broke your heart.”
Her eyes snapped up to meet mine and she faced me fully. “He did the same thing to you.”
The words stung, but they were true. When I’d first come back to the warband, he’d used my good nature to gain compliance—handing me over to the general as a toy. It was my turn to nod quietly.
“I never mentioned it before, because it seemed so intrusive on my part,” she continued apologetically, “but I have occasionally glimpsed these little moments of fear in your eyes. I never understood what it meant until after meeting Dulanzo.”
My mouth went dry. It seemed her insight was sharper than I’d imagined. There’d be no secrets between us one day, but some were too complicated to revisit while I was so dispirited. Especially while her own wounds were so fresh. She needed me now.
I nodded. “I’ve witnessed him do it time and time again, though he typically has more time to be subtle.”
Her lip trembled. “I’ve never loved anyone before, Lhoris. I … I didn’t know how to not feel this. I’ve never had such loyalty to be abused.” She sniffled and her eyes silvered with tears. “And then to see you on the ground, nearly dead … I’d never felt despair before that moment. I just … I don’t know what I would have done if you stayed that way.” Her chest heaved.
“You’ve never loved another person?” I whispered. “That can’t be true.”
“Well, it is.” She sniffed.
“Not even one of your Order friends? Or one of the women that cared for you as a child?”
“No,” she shook her head. “I mean, I cared about them. I worried. I missed them when they left or passed away. But it was nothing like staring down at your pale face.” She buried her face in her hands and sobbed just like she had been when I regained consciousness. “And I haven’t stopped crying since I woke up on the journey here. I can’t make it stop. Zelfek, of all people, had to tell me that happens sometimes when one is with child.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say. There was no flippant or flirtatious comment waiting on the tip of my tongue. Even then, my throat was so tight I couldn’t have said more than a few words. And this time I was certain that I felt the melancholy waves of her grief lap at the edge of my awareness. Perhaps my perception of her sadness and shame before the duel hadn’t been part of Irnon’s wretched little gift.
I urged my horse closer to hers and took the reins from her hands. With a gentle command and little tug on the reins both animals came to a halt. I held my arms out to Ozanna and said, voice unsteady, “Come here, love.” She slid into my grasp, and I drew her close. She sat astride my thighs and wrapped her arms around me, nestling in against my chest.
We held each other and didn’t say anything for a long while, just taking solace in the embrace and shedding quiet tears and sniffling. There came a point, though, where the sniffles started to feel excessive. I started to intentionally sniffle right after she did. She eventually caught on to my game and returned the favor. It wasn’t long before we were trembling with giggles between sniffs and snorts, our sorrow played out.
She eventually loosened her grip and leaned back a little to peer up at me, biting her lip to stifle another slightly manic giggle. Her lovely face was blotchy and streaked while I cupped it in my hands, brushing the tears aside with my thumbs.
“You’re quite a mess,” I murmured and sighed.
“So are you.” Her voice was thick and still somewhat nasal, but she held a little grin while gently wiping my tears away with her palms. “We’re both pretty pathetic.”
“Are we now?” I laughed.
“Yes, but I’m better,” she nodded and heaved a sigh. “I got it all off of my chest.”
“Is that so?”
“Mhmm,” she wrapped her arms around my waist and offered me a heart melting, pants rending smile.
“Hmm,” I eyed her warily. “Ms. Black, are you attempting to seduce me? To take advantage of my vulnerable state?” I teased in gentle tones.
She bit her lower lip thoughtfully. “Is it really an attempt if I know it’s going to work?” she teased back.
“Bold,” I smirked and gave her a brief open-mouthed kiss. “But we’ve had a terrible few days and that was before we’d even left the chateau.” I couldn’t believe she’d even attempted it in her state, which made me wonder if she even knew how to be affectionate without involving sex. “Besides, I’d die of embarrassment if my nose dribbled on you mid-seduction.”
“Of course,” she nodded and leaned in, melting against my chest. “We can’t have that.”
I kissed the top of her head and sighed. She’d once worried that Emma’s meddling had wedded us. Had I grasped how inexperienced her heart was, I’d have considered her words with more care. She’d been robbed of a proper courtship, and I’d been too caught up in loving her to realize how badly I’d misread her worries.
“I’ll make it up to you,” I thought out loud.
“How?” she asked, sounding slightly confused by my abrupt oath.
“It would spoil the surprise if I told you now,” I scolded her gently. “I simply can’t believe you’ve gone your entire life without loving another person. Particularly when it comes to courtship. It appears men don’t understand how to curry the favor of a woman’s heart.”
“One came close, I think,” she admitted in a small, uncharacteristic voice. “A dwarf.”
A dwarf?
“Yet I’m the one with your heart,” I snorted. “Cheese and spirits don’t speak of affection, my love. I’ll woo you in ways you’ve never experienced before.” I nodded, determined. “Until we are both recovered enough for physical intimacy.”
She leaned back a little to look up at me with baleful eyes. “I don’t know how to woo you back without that.”
I smiled at her and stroked a hand over her hair. “You don’t have to woo me,” I sighed. “I was yours the moment you let me lay down beside you. But if you’re worried about the inexperience of your heart, it’s alright. While I’ve not loved another the way I love you, I do know my heart well enough to lead the way.” I kissed her on the nose. “You’ll see.”