Chapter 7 Thayla
Thayla
No matter how much I squint my eyes, stars never appear.
There isn’t one burning ball of fire up there.
I’m not sure if it’s this foggy haze that lingers in the air that’s blocking them or if the Valories have truly concealed themselves from here.
Regardless…their absence is unnerving.
This is the second night I’ve stared up at the Abandon’s lifeless sky, and I hope it’s the last I ever endure here.
The star-filled nights in the carriage replay in my mind. Repeatedly.
I should’ve cherished them more.
The closeness I felt to the guys for that short time is a sensation I’m craving uncontrollably right now.
Valories, what I wouldn’t give for the five of us to be at our house, cutting up in the living room, or everyone piled into my bathroom.
I’d die for Creed to say something I could smart off to. Hell, I’d go as far as throwing something at him, so he’d get riled up, maybe toss me over his shoulder.
I wish Amick would come sit beside me and lace his fingers through mine. I’d lean my head against his shoulder and let him babble on about whatever he wanted.
If I close my eyes and pretend, I can convince myself the backpack attached to me is Kyzen pressing his body against me.
Riven would…
Gods, Riven.
What am I supposed to do when we reach him?
Throw myself at him? Profess my obsession and tell him he’s mine? Ask him if he’s okay or if he wants to talk about it.
How do I even handle the after of this?
What if there is no after?
I rip myself out of my thoughts.
Depressing isn’t even the word to describe what the cold, damp, and dark outskirts of the Abandon make me feel. The looming sensation has silenced my voice while making the one in my mind deafening.
I swear even the wilting trees have daunting emotions wafting off their crumbling bark.
Where we’ve walked has been nothing but untouched forest, which has worked in our favor, but even the vegetation is…foreboding.
There’s power pulsing here, like in the Godsdawn, but its wrongness clings to you.
I mentioned this to Amick, ready for him to blame his father’s corrupt power for the icky feeling drifting through the air. He said it’s the Goddess of Seduction’s fault.
That surprised me for about a split second before it made complete sense.
The Plentiful Designation stems from her, and she should’ve been tending to the wildlife. If they’re manipulating the power spilling out of their knock-off Gods Veil, she should’ve been granting more individuals under her Domain the abilities needed to help places like this flourish.
Instead, she’s creating an army of sex-craved deviants.
His words, of course.
Other than the snippets of information he gives me when I ask, all of yesterday and today have been walked in tension-filled silence. He only speaks when spoken to. The unfocused gleam in his eyes screams he’s stuck in his own mind as well.
Creed barely utters a word. He’ll cast a glance over his shoulder at me, stroke my soul, or grip my elbow now and then, but that’s the extent of his interaction with anyone.
The one thing that gets his mouth moving is the plan. We talk about it only when we stop to rest. He then relays it to Gladian’s group, who follow behind us like shadows at a careful distance.
I tried multiple times yesterday to say something light-hearted, something that might get a reaction out of Kyzen, but all it earned me was a gentle squeeze of my fingers.
I logically know he isn’t trying to brush me off, but with the way I’m feeling, it still stings like rejection. I can’t focus on that too long, or I’ll flip out on him and make this worse.
He caught on to my emotions when I finally went silent.
He didn’t give me words or smiles, but he kissed my forehead and hugged me tight when we reached the spot Amick declared would be camp for that first night.
We slept like shit. If you can even call it sleep.
The guys took rotations watching, bouncing me from chest to chest every time one of them switched out. It was difficult enough falling asleep on the hard-ass ground, and every time they moved me, it startled me awake.
I had to battle my mind and force my eyes back shut.
Not to mention, I’m painfully aware I probably smell like sweat and death, even though my armor was cleaned.
As much as I’d like to believe they held me to make sure I was okay and to get me a little more comfortable, I know better.
My soul knows better.
They’re freaking the fuck out internally. It’s getting worse by the second, and my soul laps up the dark shit they send across the ropes.
When Derivius first dropped us—and our additional help—at the barrier to the Abandon, farthest from Hellveilious’s side, they were still firmly stuck in their pissed-the-hell-off phase. I was right there with them.
Derivius let me go on and on, cussing him out for not joining us.
When my rant finally ended, he asked, sarcastic as shit, if I was finished. Kyzen jumped in quickly, not calmly at all, and explained that Derivius couldn’t come without it being viewed as an act of rebellion against his disownment.
They’d lock him up for it.
I still don’t fully understand where or what that means, but his comment about needing to work on distractions while we’re gone had me zipping my mouth shut. We need him as free as possible, fighting the Abandon through godly taurnshit politics while we march straight into enemy territory.
In the hours that have dragged on since, the guys cycle through emotions I don’t dare touch.
Every crack of a limb has their heads snapping toward the sound. If a voice rises above a light tone, whoever spoke earns a death glare that shuts them up fast. Any sudden movement has all of them reacting.
Creed’s arm flinches, like he’s restraining himself from reaching for his sword.
Amick’s shoulders jump up near his ears, like he’s bracing for a hit from behind.
Kyzen’s fingers haven’t stopped trembling. The last shred of light in his eyes went out when we reached this new area we’re waiting in.
I’m numb.
My mind is…I don’t know. Clouded.
It’s taken an unreal level of concentration to keep not only my powers settled beneath my skin, but my soul locked inside my chest.
Fuck. It desperately wants to reach out. Not in three directions, but four.
My hands roam from the straps on Riven’s backpack to the zippers on the waist bags. I’ve started treating his belongings like lifelines, clinging to the connection they keep me tethered to.
The only time they’ve left my body was when I lay down last night.
We made camp at this new location hours ago, and no one’s made a move to rest.
So I have no reason to take them off now.
Sleep will wait until we’re back home.
“Only a little while longer, Thayla.”
My sigh is the first noise I’ve made in quite some time, and Yemi startles beside me, dropping the pieces of twig she was breaking up in her palm.
“Sorry,” I mumble.
V’s been persistent about checking on me. The first few times he spoke after we left, I was so grateful we still had our ability to reach one another. I’m still grateful. I just have less desire to be positive.
“I know. How’s Seismet and Verlet?”
“Same. Everyone over here is still doing fine.”
“Good. Anything?”
His soft, hesitant purr answers my question.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Thanks for checking on me. I need to get back to focusing.”
“Of course. I’m here if you need me.”
I don’t respond. My head tilts back to check the time, and annoyance immediately boils my blood. There isn’t a damn moon.
Fucking taurnshit.
I’m so tired of sitting here waiting.
There’s also a stick poking me in the ass, and it’s pissing me off as well.
I don’t have a care in the realm to get myself off the ground yet, though. My mental and physical exhaustion is making my body heavy.
“I thought after these years of restricting my power, this would be easy. Instead, I’m ready to scratch my skin until it bleeds. It’s driving me mental,” Yemi says.
A huff empties my lungs as I crumble a dead leaf in the middle of my palm.
“It’s this fucking place. It’s driving me mental.”
It’s forcing me to stay in my mind far more than I’m comfortable with.
“I was just eavesdropping on the guys, and they said we’re moving out in an hour. Amick’s going to make everyone gather together so we can go over the plan one more time.”
“Great.”
“I know this is a silly question, but…are you okay?”
I don’t want to answer that.
Yemi and her far too fucking observant personality.
“Not really, but I’ll be fine as soon as we get to him.”
If he even wants to be around me once he realizes my Chaos…never mind. I can’t keep obsessing about that.
“Do you—”
“Can I sit?”
My nostrils curl as I glare at Mara. I’m proud of Yemi for not making any sort of reaction to her whatsoever.
“I’d rather you not.”
“Go ahead.”
My neck cranes to Yemi as we answer simultaneously but with two totally different answers.
She shrugs her damn shoulder at me.
“Thanks.”
I watch Mara’s every move as she sits crisscross like us and then just stares at the ground. My huff forces her to glance up.
“What do you want?”
“Can’t I just want to sit down?”
“There’s acreage upon acreage of places to sit. Why did you need to come over here and fuck with our peace?”
She rolls her eyes and wipes her hands off on her pants. Not getting up.
“You don’t seem all that peaceful.”
“Cut the shit or go back over there to your Valtrue. I’m not in the mood for you.”
Her lips tighten into a flat line and her eyes cast to the side as she stares out into the never-ending darkness.
“Yeah, that seems to be the consensus with everyone right now.”
I snort. Unkindly.
“What’s wrong? Your Defender friends aren’t in the mood for you and your attitude either?”
“Friends,” she scoffs. “No one really wants to be friends with the Binder of the God of Strength’s Valtrue.”
“Well, if you weren’t such a raging bit—”
“Thayla.”
“Don’t Thayla me right now, Yemi. I swear to the Valories, you always pick the wrong times to want to be nice to someone.”