Chapter 20 Thayla
Thayla
Yemi’s name dies on my lips as soon as my starshoot releases me in front of my curtains.
Worry pinches my chest tighter with every frantic turn she makes in the path she’s pacing. I’m not sure if she’s noticed that I’m here now.
She shakes her hands out repeatedly with her steps, and her mumbled words barely reach my ears.
I’ve never seen her so anxious.
And hell, we were trapped in…well, hell together. Not to mention the shit in the Abandon.
“Yemi.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t be…I’m not supposed to be this.”
I put my palms up and take a step toward her but freeze as she winces.
“Slow down for me.”
“I can’t slow down! This isn’t right.”
Her shout shocks me still and my eyes grow comically wide. Chest heaving and shoulders shaking, she tries tirelessly to get her breathing under control, but it isn’t working.
“Okay. I’m here. What do you need?”
I inch forward. When she doesn’t backpedal or warn me off again, I take another step.
“I don’t…this isn’t right.”
“What isn’t right?”
“This whole situation. This Pairing. I’m not meant to be their or anyone’s Binder, Thayla.”
My head tilts to the side, and my forehead wrinkles as she runs her hands up and down her body like that’s supposed to give me an answer.
Obviously, my face shows my confusion. She groans as she pulls at her roots.
“Sevryn is the son of the God of Pain. One of the most powerful Domain Gods in this realm. Doren is a Domain God. I don’t know what Nero and Iric are, but judging by the energy that was wafting off them, they aren’t lacking in power.
I’m…I’m just me. An Attendant. I’m not meant to have a Valtrue, much less be a Binder. ”
My heart and undoubtedly the look on my face fracture.
“Yemi.”
“Don’t fucking Yemi me, Thayla.”
I bite my lip to keep from talking. That’s literally what I’d yell at her if the situation were reversed.
Gods…I know exactly what she’s feeling right now.
It’s a painful reminder.
“Once upon a time, I was just Thayla. The only female in a training arena with nineteen men who kicked my ass daily. Then I was the ignorant Oddian girl who popped off to the High Chancellor. Then I was the little troublling who got her soul split in the Gods Veil.”
I suck in a deep breath as I stand in front of her, halting the pacing she’s picked back up. My hands grip her biceps to stop her movements.
“Then…I was a Binder to a very feared but misunderstood Valtrue. Then so much fucking more. At every new stage since my arrival here, I’ve battled internally with the thoughts that I’m not enough for them or for whatever it is this realm needs from me.
“I’m not supposed to be this. I’m foul-mouthed, hot-headed, lack patience, still lack the ability to control all my power, and Valories, the list of my flaws could go on. This isn’t supposed to be happening to me. Yet it is and I can’t stop it.
“Sometimes I don’t know if I want to, then sometimes I drift into my mind and think up all kinds of ways to run away. It’s truly a mind fuck because deep down I know good and well I’m enough. My Valtrue and this realm are lucky they have me.”
The tremble in her lip stops as an unexpected snort escapes her. I give her a small smile and carry on.
“Really, though, I have plenty of insecurities that I’m very good at keeping buried down deep.
While yes, to an extent, I have complete confidence in myself and my relationships, I still have a daunting past that’s been sending me little reminders here lately that throw me right back into my self-doubt.
I question everything in those moments.”
She slowly exhales as she blinks away the water gathering in her eyes.
“What do you do to stop the questioning or get those insecurities to go away?”
I hum as I run my hands down her arms and let her go.
“Honestly, sometimes I can’t on my own. Sometimes it’s one of the guys that do it for me. It was you who did it in the woods in the Abandon.”
“Me?”
“Yes you.” I chuckle at her confusion. “I was deep in my head, but you stayed by my side and talked to me. I really just needed someone to be there for me, and you were.”
Her lips turn down in a deep frown as she faces my fireplace. I don’t say anything as she nods mindlessly.
“When V said he was leaving to get all of you, my first thought was you.”
“Me?”
A small smirk crosses her lips as she peers at me, then back at the low-burning flames.
“I thought about that moment in the healing villa when I told you, you were about to meet your Valtrue. Gods, I’ll never forget that look in your eyes.”
I groan. That’s a day I’ll never be able to forget. It’s one that I’m both grateful for and still pissy about.
“What was the look? A glare of death?” I laugh, but she doesn’t.
“A flash of fear.”
The mirth dies on my tongue as her serious gaze meets mine.
“I felt like the realm’s biggest bitch for dropping such news on you like that, then running away to just let them in.
By the time I turned back around, that look was replaced with fierce confidence.
I remember thinking to myself, damn, this girl has a spine of steel to stand there like that with who’s about to walk in. ”
“Well, perfect example of how I had to shove my insecurities down. I didn’t have another choice.”
“Yeah, I know that now.” She sighs, and her shoulders sag as she tilts her head toward my ceiling.
“So, when V went to leave, I thought about how not only did you face this same fear in a matter of seconds, but you and that very Valtrue who I was petrified of that first day, put your asses on the line to go help mine.
“You didn’t drop the news on me, then open your front door with them there. You warned me you were going to get them, and everything was going to be fine. You gave me time I didn’t give you.
“So I decided I wouldn’t sit in my house freaking out anymore. I was going to go face my Valtrue head-on just like you did. Gods, I didn’t expect that introduction to go the way it did. All that fake confidence went to hell in a heartbeat.
“Literally standing before the four of them, feeling the power that they hold, sent me spiraling. I’m nowhere near as capable or as powerful as they are. That terrifies me.”
“You are as capable and as powerful as them.”
“You’re just saying that ’cause I’m your best friend and you have to.”
“No, I’m not. I mean, granted, yes, I will always hype you up, but I have more reasons than that to believe it.”
“Yeah, like what?”
“Like the fact that you blocked out a piece of a Beginning God’s power.
Sure, it drained you, but you did it and that’s a testament to your strength.
In the words of Amick while he was scolding me, we may not like the dynamic of how Attendants are treated, but in its core, original sense, you were paired with me because there’s a strength in you that matches my own.
Whether that’s power or maybe internal will, whatever it is, I believe it.
“Last and least, simply because I’m pissed off at him right now for not talking to any of us since the shit show went down, Derivius swore you had strength.
Right before he split my soul, he said I’d see it and my need for you, and you’d see that in me.
I have seen it. I know it. There isn’t a doubt in my mind.
If anything, in my humble opinion, those four fuckers are lucky to have been paired to you. ”
Silence lingers between us as she bobs her head like she’s agreeing just to agree. My lips part, more examples of her brilliance ready on my tongue, but I snap my mouth shut when she huffs.
“This is going to take me some time to come to terms with.”
“The part about having a completed Valtrue, or that you’re a powerful goddess?”
She snickers, and the small smile she gives me is real, so I return it with one of my own.
“All of it.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sitting in our doubt sometimes, but promise me something?”
She arches her brow like she wants to hear my request first before giving me her word.
“Promise you won’t sit in it for long. Don’t let the nagging voice in your mind convince you that you’re less than. If those assholes make you feel anything less than the best thing that’s ever happened to them, you put them in their place.”
“You’ve called them fuckers and assholes now. Did one of them piss you off?”
I wipe my face of anything that may give that answer away, then I tsk at her.
“Don’t change the subject.”
“Fine, I promise. Now what happened that has you calling them names? Sevryn I can understand. He’s earned the title of asshole, but your opinion of Doren when you first met him seemed nothing but positive. What happened?”
My gaze traces over any and everything but her or her observant glare. I didn’t plan on blabbing about her Valtrue before she had the opportunity to actually talk to them.
A knock at the door has air rushing from my lungs and a smirk crossing my lips. I spin from her and her squeal, but she latches onto my hand.
“Don’t answer it. What if it’s them?”
“Really, Yemi? It’s not one of them. My men would never allow them to come to my door.”
She exhales and lays her hand to her heart. “You’re right. It’ll be weeks before they’re allowed to come into your house.”
Probably.
It’s no shocker to me at all when I come face-to-face with my entire Valtrue.
“Came to check on us?”
“Yeah, after you left us with that shit show to take care of.” Riven scoffs.
“Damn, did they freak out?”
“Sevryn had a moment, and Creed threatened to knock him out if he came through your back door. The other three, well, two, started arguing about who scared Yemi the most.”
“Doren and Nero?”
“Yep.” All four of them say.
“Is Yemi okay?” Kyzen asks.
“This isn’t my proudest moment.”
I grin as the guys’ eyebrows narrow at her holler, then I take a step back from the door so I can peer over at her.
“You care if they come in?”
“That’s fine. They’ll tell me what I want to know since you attempted to deflect from it.”