Chapter 36 Thayla #2
Creed’s body trembles beneath me and I don’t have the slightest idea what to do to comfort him. My mind is so mangled and out of sorts I don’t even know where to go from here.
“What were you discussing prior to me coming in?” he asks quietly as though he senses my confusion.
I mean…I guess he can feel that through my soul.
I ask V to fill him in while I try my hardest to gather myself and my thoughts.
“When did her parents throw the Binding into the sea and why didn’t they return to her after that?”
I’ll leave the hard thinking to him.
“Right after they left her and they weren’t allowed to return to her.
When your father, Thayla, told you they had to leave to prepare for the consequences of their actions, yes, he was referring to hiding the Binding from the gods, but more so, they were never meant to get rid of the Binding, nor were they supposed to delay your arrival to Godsden.
“Those two instances were the only times they went against the Valories. They wanted to buy you more time. Those decisions changed the trajectory of many paths. Your original path was to enter the Veiling yourself on your eighteenth birthday when it was allowed.”
Eighteen? Gods, I never would’ve survived this.
At that age, I was nowhere near the type of person I am now.
“That is all I can and needed to tell you for now, Thayla. I’m sorry for dropping this on you, but you needed to be told. Plus, despite it all, I thought you knowing your parents had the Binding in their possession for many, many years, it might help you grow more comfortable with it.”
I release a deep breath and nod.
“I don’t know if it helps or not yet, but I’m glad you told me regardless. Thank you, V.”
“Is my silent supporter still here as well?”
“Of course I am.”
“Thank you as well.”
“No thanks needed. I’ll always be here. Here’s my extremely helpful advice: there’s a certain someone’s lap you’re sitting in that could use your help right now. This seems like a grand bonding time and Verlet agrees.”
“How did you know I was in his lap, and Verlet’s here as well?”
“V’s telling me and I’m telling Verlet.”
“Nosy and a gossip.”
“Very much,” V hoots as he glides down to my lap, and I run my finger down his wing. “I’ll leave the two of you. If you need me, call for me.”
He starshoots away and a sigh falls through my lips as I lay my head back to Creed’s chest. His heart is pounding both so loud and hard, its pulse thuds through my cheek.
“Are you okay?”
“Me? You’re the one who just realized it’s basically my fault your parents left you.”
I push myself up and rotate until I can face him fully. “What? That thought didn’t even cross my mind.”
“Well, it was the first fucking thing to cross mine.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why, Thayla? The true number of lives I took that day should scare the shit out of you. Losing that many people on top of us being in the Godsdawn led to our father’s reactions, which led to your parents’ decision, which led to every damn thing else that came after that.
How can you say it’s not my fault? You can’t place the blame anywhere else but on me. Fuck, us, really.”
“Okay, hard stop, asshole. You’re not going to tell me where I can and can’t place blame.”
He tries—okay, well, not tries—he stands, and I latch onto him before I can tumble to the floor. His hands grip under my ass and I lace my fingers together behind his neck so he can’t put me down like he’s attempting to.
“I’m not trying to argue about this. Think what you want.”
“No one is arguing, Creed. You have a nasty habit of thinking when anything bad happens it’s your fault and I don’t understand. It’s one thing when you do that to the rest of the realm, but you’re trying to make me believe right now that this is somehow your fault, when it’s not. Why?”
“I’m not doing—”
“Why?” I say more firmly, gripping his hair at the nape of his neck.
An oomph falls from my lips when he slams me back into the mattress and covers my body with his.
His soul smothers mine, or maybe mine is smothering his, I don’t know. All I do know is one of them is looking for an outlet as his eyes blaze and power coats his skin.
“I’m the God of Death, Thayla. How can you possibly hear that title and not think when devastation of that magnitude happens, it isn’t my fault?”
The pain lacing his voice literally slices through my soul.
That’s his problem…he thinks death can only be bad. Evil.
My hands untangle from behind his neck, and I drag them around until I’m cupping his cheeks. The veins in his forearms bracing around my head tremble from whatever restraint he’s trying to keep in place.
“You’re so much more than your power. I really wish you could see that. Would anyone who’s evil truly care about making sure someone’s soul stayed alive and well? Would they drive themselves crazy trying to find a way to protect it until they could heal it and make it whole again?”
“I failed at that.”
“And I’m so happy you did. It’s right where I want it to be. What happened to make you think everything you do is so bad, Creed?”
“Be born.”
My hands flinch and my soul rushes into him, snatching a grunt from his mouth. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth, Thayla. My birth is what happened. My father talks about it like it was the greatest day in the realm when it was nothing but horror.”
His face falls in disgust and I press his cheeks to make him look back at me. “What happened?”
He sighs, closing his eyes. When they open again, they’re charcoal gray.
Shattered.
“After we were born and placed in the Veil, we stayed in there the entire hour until he knew our powers would be settled. I was the last he pulled back out. The moment I took my first breath…people died. The entire healing staff, women, children, men, people who were just minding their own business. They found bodies up to a quarter mile away. Anyone who was weaker than me, I destroyed their souls. Gone. Dead in seconds.”
His voice is low, gravelly, as if each word is scraping its way out. My throat and nose burn with emotion, but I swallow it all and try to keep my soul locked down.
“Supposedly, I wouldn’t stop crying, and Riven’s power was the only thing that finally settled me down.
That went on for days, months. It finally got to the point he decided Riven and I would be inseparable once I killed one of his most treasured Defenders.
Regardless of that, he always praised me.
Told me my death was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. I was born to destroy.
“As a child, I didn’t know any better. I’d kill someone randomly just to see him smile.
I really thought I was a perfect child. I soaked up his praise, craved it.
Every time he said he was proud of me for the life I’d taken, I’d beam.
I was six when I realized how wrong I was.
It took breaking Riven’s heart to realize it. ”
He turns his head to the side, and his jaw muscles flex with how hard he grinds his teeth. His eyes grow distant as if he has to replay the memory first before he can speak it.
“He had taken a liking to this Spyvie that stayed wandering around our house. It wasn’t unheard of, but very rare for creatures to be in the Abandon, and in my father’s mind, that meant it was sent here by one of the other gods.
He tried to kill it, but Riven begged him not to, said that he’d do it.
He didn’t. I caught him playing with it the next day and without a second thought, I killed it.
“Riven fell apart. Screaming, crying, and cuddling it to him. I didn’t understand.
I didn’t know why he was acting like that.
Then, for the first time ever, his chaos broke free.
It was never needed because his harmony was too focused on keeping me from getting mad and killing people.
That day, though, I hurt him so bad his harmony gave way.
He rained chaos around us while beating the hell out of me.
“I lay there, unable to get myself up, and the reality that taking a life hurts people, beat me even more. I’d never seen someone react other than happy when I took a life.
When our father found us, he flipped his shit over the condition I was in.
Not a piece of him cared about Riven. It was right then I realized what he was shaping me into.
A weapon. Something evil. My realization was too late.
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror when he told me to go clean up.
It didn’t matter to me that my soul wasn’t a darker shade like some I had destroyed. To me, it was already black as night.
“So now, no matter what I do—good, bad, or somewhere in between—I can’t shake it. Everything feels tainted and the black spot I do have on my soul now reminds me that it is. My power craves to destroy, devour, because in the end, I’ll always be what I was born as. Death.”
For a long moment, the only sound is the heavy breaths falling from his chest and the hum of our souls in my ear. He turns his glare to me, but I don’t flinch. Don’t recoil. I just watch him, my expression steady, unwavering in the resolve I’m not going to let him find what he’s looking for.
“I don’t know how many times I have to say this.
Hopefully, only once more, but you were a child,” I say quietly, gripping his jaw as he tries to turn from me again.
“A newborn with no control. That wasn’t evil.
That wasn’t you choosing to hurt anyone.
That was power that came too soon, before you could even lift your head and guidance from a vile fucking man. ”
His gaze flickers—white to gray—searching, doubting, but still not finding.
“You’ve spent your whole life believing you’re only what your father wanted you to be. But I don’t see that. Tell me something good you’ve done. Something he wouldn’t have praised. Something that matters to you.”
He opens his mouth, then closes it again.
“Tell me,” I demand.