Chapter 9 #4
But no one in Team Gold questions the orders, even if we’re tired after that shit show in the cave. I quickly heal everyone else’s nicks and scratches, and then we start moving.
We’re quiet as we follow the trail. And I wonder if Team Gold is concerned about what we just found out, or if it doesn’t make any difference to them at all.
The location where Stella sends us next is nothing more than the sheer surface of a rock – until Mace touches a connection point, and a door slides open for us. We step into a huge, rectangular chamber, opening into a large bathroom at the far end.
‘Is that what I think it is?’ I ask, suddenly desperate to be clean.
Julian throws his backpack on the metal floor. ‘I call dibs on the first shower,’ he says, already tossing his jacket to the ground and unbuckling his trousers as he races to the bathroom.
Allen draws up next to me. ‘This is a strategic hiding point,’ he says, pointing at the plain, metal walls.
‘They’re scattered around the Disputed Lands.
’ He opens his backpack, drawing out clean underwear and a blue T-shirt.
He touches his hand to the wall, and a drawer opens.
There are immaculate, white towels in it.
I wonder if anyone will mind if I spend the rest of the mission hiding in here.
It has been the perfect evening and I’m only saying that because it’s the first shower I’ve been able to take in three days. There’s also a hairdryer. I have finally freed my hair from my ponytail, and it’s shiny and smells good again.
I’m trying to focus on the nice things, and not on what we’ve just learned from getting into that well-protected cave.
It’s disturbing to think that Warriors were able to mix with the other Quarters at the beginning of the Citadel.
It’s such a given in our life, that I always assumed it was also one of the principles written into Stella’s algorithms. Is it possible that things are done differently in other kingdoms?
We wouldn’t know; we’re constantly at war with them, so no information flows from their side.
Nothing that a mere citizen would know. Like the fact that someone from a Quarter other than the Warriors could be a part of Command. It’s all very unsettling. The fact that this information is hidden, and inaccessible by the main Stella at The Citadel, even more so.
It’s odd to think how decisions made by a handful of people nearly two hundred years ago still impact the way we live today. My thoughts lead me to Mace again. If Warriors weren’t so segregated, so apart from the rest of us, would he and I have been torn apart like we were?
But I’m a fool for wondering. Mace doesn’t care.
I’m dying to know what the others think about what we’ve seen. I don’t know them, really. I don’t know how they tick.
But Central Command can tune in through the sensors and listen to every word we say, and we know how treason is handled in our city. Is it treason, though, to ask questions? To doubt?
Mace bursts into the bathroom, sliding the door shut behind him.
I’d mumble a question about what he thinks he’s doing, but my toothbrush is still in my mouth. I meet his eyes in the mirror and, in a shocking twist of events, he’s frowning at me again. ‘We need to talk,’ he says.
I carefully wash my toothbrush, wiping my mouth with a clean towel.
Mace clears his throat, and I turn towards him, looking him squarely in the face. A thread of tension is pulled taught between us and my shoulders stiffen. Whatever he’s about to say, it will be uncomfortable.
‘Okay, then. Talk,’ I say.
‘You’re not an Empath,’ he says carefully.
‘I think we’ve already established this.’
‘This … link you have to Allen.’ He rubs at his nape, clearly uncomfortable about what he’s about to say. ‘If it’s not an Empath link … is it a Pairing Link?’
My mouth flutters open and shut. I hadn’t considered that. I thought it was impossible, since Warriors are most prone to form Pairing Links, and I’m not one of them. It’s supposed to be a mingling of mind and body and magic, the most intimate bond two people can have.
Stella did slip me some reading material on Pairing Links a while ago. I’m pretty sure that the books I read implied that sex and desire are an important part of building them. Which isn’t the case with me and Allen.
‘Well?’ Mace says.
‘What is it to you?’ I say, piqued. And yes, a part of me hopes he’s jealous.
‘If you know what’s good for you both, you’ll stay away from Allen, Ellie. This can lead nowhere.’
This partly answers my questions about how dedicated Top Team is to The Citadel’s principles. I shouldn’t be surprised, though, considering they’re the darlings of Central Command. And if they’re aiming to become Commanders, they can’t afford any missteps. Of course they’re sticklers for rules.
It still doesn’t mean that Mace gets to have an opinion about my private life, or about what I do and don’t do with Allen.
‘How dare you? Who do you think you are?’
He lifts his hand in a placating gesture. ‘Ellie, if you allow this to deepen, the moment we’re back at The Citadel … they’ll wrench you apart. They might even force you both into partnerships with others just to make a point.’
A bolt of ice slithers down my spine and fear squeezes my chest. As we’ve just found out, a handful of people once decided that things should be this way.
‘It will hurt more, Ellie,’ he goes on to say. ‘You’ll both end up with broken hearts. Stay away from him. No good can come of this.’
I claw my fingers into a fist. The rage has crashed and settled into a cold wave in my belly. ‘Get out,’ I say coldly. ‘Never presume to tell me again what to do. How to behave. How to?—’
‘I care about him. He’s my friend. And I don’t want him to get hurt. I see how you speak to each other, without words, and if this goes further, if you don’t stop this before it’s too late … well, nothing good can come of it.’
I’m done. I don’t want to hear another word about this. ‘Mind your own business.’
I slam my toothbrush next to the sink and try to move past him, but the bathroom is narrow. My shoulder knocks into his. ‘Ellie, wait,’ he says.
But I won’t. All the things we heard today, about the decisions that Central Command made, and this is what Mace wants to discuss? I’m not sure whether I’m angry with him because he’s ordering me around again – telling me how to live my life – or because I recognise the truth in his words.
He’s unfailingly right. If this is a Pairing Link … it won’t end well.
‘Ellie,’ he says, a plea in his voice, but I’m more the fool for wanting to give in. I walk back to the main room.
Allen and Xandra are discussing in hushed tones what we’ve seen today in the cave, but I can barely catch a word here and there.
I’m reminded once again that I hardly know these people; they’re all as tight knit as it can get.
Are they being careful because they don’t know what I think of everything we’ve seen?
Or are they faithful to the principles of The Citadel?
In any other circumstance, I would feel like an intruder, but I sense my link to Allen thrumming beneath the surface, and a lot more besides: a surge of curiosity, the need, which seems to drive him, to pull things apart just to see how they work.
What I don’t feel is an irrepressible urge to pull him closer.
Our link doesn’t seem to serve a function, to bind us closer together, like I always assumed a Pairing Link would. My link to Allen just is. I think Mace’s worries are unfounded.
Minutes tick by and Mace still doesn’t emerge from the bathroom. An uncomfortable feeling twists in my chest.
I get up from my bedroll, telling myself that I’m only going to the bathroom to pick up my toothbrush and not so I can check on him.
‘What is it, Ellie?’
The moment I see him, I realise I’ve been lying to myself: he’s gripping the edges of the sink, his shoulders hunched, his head hung low, and my heart squeezes in my chest. I click the door closed behind me and move slowly towards him.
He seems so defeated. I can’t bring myself to tell him that I came for the toothbrush. I want to comfort him, but I don’t know how, so I hang on to our unfinished conversation.
‘It’s— I’m not building a Pairing Link with Allen. It’s not like that between us,’ I say. ‘I think you should just let this go.’
Mace is still bent over. ‘I’m not very good at that, Ellie. Letting go, I mean.’
There’s a chink in that wall he’s erected between us. After days on this mission, I catch glimmers of his raw emotion, of the boy I used to know.
The thing is, I can let go. I do so on a daily basis. I had to learn how to. I couldn’t have moved on otherwise. Only once in my life did I find myself unable to do that.
I lift a hand, laying it gently on his back, as if he were a startled animal.
‘I— I tried to see you after they took you from school,’ I say.
‘I went to the Barracks. They wouldn’t let me in.
’ It seems important to tell him this, even if he might not remember, even if he might not care.
Even if I’m the only one who kept thinking about us.
These words have been festering within me for years, and they’ll continue to do so, if I don’t say them out loud.
And if there’s a break in that wall, maybe – maybe – I’ll come through.
My eyes meet his in the mirror. He seems exhausted and a little bit broken. I rub my hand gently up and down his back, and his muscles seem to relax under my touch. He looks down again, but I won’t let him, because if I allow him to put distance between us now, it will be a tricky thing to cross.
‘Mace,’ I say.
He sighs. ‘After I was sent to train in the Barracks, I asked my mother to ask you to come to our rooms, so we could hang out. Your parents refused. Said you weren’t interested.’
My entire body grows stiff, and for a moment I can’t breathe. ‘That’s a lie.’
He shakes his head.