Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
I’m absolutely breathless. That’s why Mace reacted the way he did in the hangar.
The war could have been avoided – but it wasn’t. I wonder how many unnecessary wars we’ve been embroiled in ‘because we can take, and not trade,’ as Commander Sellick put it.
As I suspected, our Central Command is no more than a bunch of Stus. Sending in their own Apprentices to kill each other. And choosing to sacrifice their people in wars, instead of signing peace treaties, just because we have something to prove.
Maybe the other kingdoms don’t naturally hate us. Maybe we gave them too many reasons to.
But that pales in comparison to what Mace must be feeling right now. He looks positively broken. He drives a hand through his hair, then turns around.
‘Where are you going?’ I call.
‘I need… I need to take something.’
With painful certainty, I know he’ll be reaching out for those emotion-supressing pills. He did say he’s been struggling in the time since he’s been off them. I can’t imagine how he must feel, realising that the Central Command he’s so looked up to must have been the reason why his mother died.
Fight.
But he’s not alone anymore. I’m here.
I know what I have to do.
I can’t trust Stella while Central Command might be watching, and I hate them a little more for this.
‘I’m sorry, Stella,’ I say, and send a wave of my blocking magic through all the sensors.
Her eyes shimmer with sadness before she melts out of view.
I turn to Mace. ‘Mace. Come back. We need to talk.’ He hesitates in the doorway of his bedroom.
‘Mace, I swear to you, I’ll teleport to the backpack and flush those pills down the toilet before you can even think about getting your hands on one of them.
Get back here.’ My throat tightens. ‘Talk to me.’ The last words are more of a plea.
He prowls over to me slowly, lowering himself on his haunches. He looks tired and reluctant, but I’ll hold on to him with everything I have.
‘How do you feel?’ I say.
He rolls up the legs of his trousers and sits next to me at the edge of the pool. I’m still holding Stella’s sensors blocked, to make sure no one can listen in on this. ‘What do you think, Ellie?’
There’s a deep sadness in him. Nothing like his usual, concentrated, grumpy frowning. It’s the sadness of a life’s dreams shattering, and I can’t even begin to comprehend the immensity of how that must feel.
‘I don’t know, Mace,’ I say. ‘You tell me.’
He ruffles his hair again. ‘I’m not sure I want to talk about it.’ He kicks his leg, splashing water around. ‘I need to talk to my team. I need to tell them what we’ve found out.’
His team.
Okay. It’s fine. I can pretend it doesn’t hurt that I’m not the first person he wants to talk to about this, because it’s good that he has someone he wants to talk to, at least.
‘Your parents wouldn’t have wanted you to give up,’ I say.
Mace’s head snaps up. ‘My parents. If they knew what bullshit Central Command has been up to?—’
‘Your parents died for what they believed in. They died with their swords in their hands, defending The Citadel.’
‘Because that’s the bullshit The Citadel wanted them to swallow!’ he shouts. ‘They died because Central Command didn’t want peace.’
I take a deep breath. ‘It doesn’t change anything. They died the way they lived. The past is in the past. The question is: what do you believe in, Mace? How do you want to live?’
Mace glares at me like he’s never seen me before. ‘Look at you. Aren’t you a fighter now?’
‘I learned from the best,’ I say.
He chuckles, but I can still feel the bitterness underneath. I want to wrap myself around him like his personalised, Mace-custom-made, warm blanket.
And I don’t see a reason why I shouldn’t.
‘I’m going to take my hands off the sensors now,’ I warn him.
‘You do that.’ He’s still splashing at the water.
At first, I hesitate. I draw closer to him, bit by bit, giving him the chance to push me away, if he wants to. But he doesn’t seem inclined to, or he’s sunk too deep in his own downward spiral.
Mace Hardfield has always been the best. The most powerful. The perfect child of The Citadel. He’s always alert, ready to protect us, to catch us if we fall.
But who is here to catch him?
What he needs now is a distraction. He won’t be able to change the world in one evening. He won’t be able to change anything by frowning at the matter in question.
I’m so close to him now that our thighs are touching, his body radiating heat, even through the fabric of his trousers.
He looks at me with a raised eyebrow, as if asking what I intend to do.
My reply is to wrap an arm around his naked waist, and lean my head on his shoulder.
He doesn’t protest. Instead, he pulls me tighter to him, a hand slung over my hip and buries his nose in my hair.
I snuggle closer into him. ‘You’re too hard to be useful in any way as a pillow.’
He chuckles. ‘Really, Ellie? You’re making it too easy for me to joke about being hard. You’re just trying to get a rise out of me.’
‘And am I succeeding?’ I say, laying my hand on his thigh.
He groans, like a huge, grumpy, snuggly bear. ‘This isn’t the time, Ellie.’
‘Yes. Yes, it is. It doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom.’
‘Except when it is.’
I let my hand travel higher up his thigh, waiting for him to stop me. But he doesn’t.
I start small. A kiss on the corner of his jaw, feeling the sting of his stubble on my lips.
He doesn’t move away. Instead, he leans into it, rubbing his face to mine.
I catch the corner of his lips and rise slowly to crawl over his lap.
He lays his hands on my hips, pulling me closer.
I don’t know who leans into the kiss first. It may be me. It may be him.
The kiss is soft and gentle and full of unspoken promises. Mace is the one who breaks it, leaning his forehead against mine. ‘I can’t?—’
I lay a finger on his lips. ‘Just stop talking, Mace.’
He smiles. I don’t know if we’ll have enough time to figure out if we want to spend a lifetime together – all I know is that I want now with him.
I love how he makes me feel, even when he pushes me harder to use my powers.
I know how I felt when I saw Team Silver and Team Bronze surrounding him, how even my magic lashed out at the sight.
I know that he saw what The Citadel had reduced me to, and how he tried to bring out the fighter in me.
The same way he’s been fighting in his own way for everything he believes in.
I know how he makes me feel – not small, not a failure, not weak.
And I adore him for that – one of the many reasons I do.
‘Mace,’ I say. ‘I am not asking for everything. I am asking for now.’
He sighs, his fingers clenching, digging into my skin.
Not painfully – just enough to remind me that he’s here, with me.
‘But there will always be a tomorrow when I’ll think about your light, and about the way you make me smile.
About the way you make me feel. There’s always been something about you, Ellie, that reaches out into the deepest part of me and shatters me to the core.
I have no words to tell you how you make me feel.
Like I’m finally myself. I could never be indifferent to you.
There’s something loud and bright about you that shouts “look at me” and I could never look away.
You live in here,’ he says, tapping on his heart.
‘There’s no ignoring you, and everything you ever say or do is like specially designed to push one of my buttons. ’
‘How odd,’ I say. ‘That’s exactly how I feel about you.’
‘And don’t get me started on your top with the zip.’
‘What’s wrong with the zip?’
‘You can’t help it, can you? I’m trying to pour my heart out, and you keep interrupting me.’
‘Look, mate, give me a break. I’m trying not to get overwhelmed here.’ I’m telling the truth. My cheeks are burning, and I honestly don’t know what to say about what Mace is confessing to me.
‘Welcome to my world,’ Mace says. ‘Constantly overwhelmed is what I feel when you’re around.’
I can’t help but chuckle. ‘How can we fix this?’
‘I don’t know,’ he says. ‘You could start by lowering yourself to follow my orders. I’ve only been saying it since the beginning of the mission.’
A wave of heat travels through my chest, somehow settling in my nipples and making them tighten. I don’t think he meant it that way, but me following Mace’s orders leads to only one thing in my mind.
‘Is that what you’d like me to do? To do as you say?’
His nostrils flare and I drink him in; his broad-shouldered frame, the powerful muscles in his forearms. Mace likes to have control in everything. What would it feel like to let him take the reins of this thing between us? What if I give in to him, completely?
And I realise that I’d feel safe enough to do it. There isn’t a single part of him that would hurt me. And I think I might really, really enjoy that. To do this with Mace – on his terms.
Stella blurts, materialising out of nowhere, ‘I think the sensors are malfunctioning. I’m cutting the video and audio feed from this retreat until tomorrow. For maintenance.’
Mace flinches.
‘Did she imply what I think she did?’ I say.
‘Also, though my protocols forbid fraternising between the Warriors and other Quarters within The Citadel,’ Stella says pointedly, ‘they do not extend to the Disputed Lands.’
My hearts races. Does this mean that Mace and I get a free pass for the duration of the mission? Just a bit of time?
‘I am taking myself offline,’ Stella says, and I swear she winks.
Mace’s lips curl into a grin. ‘It’s just you and me, then. No one will be prying.’ His eyes darken with hunger.
I’m in trouble and the best kind of it.
‘Will you do as I say, Ellie?’ he leans forward, his eyes scanning me, stopping on my tightened nipples. ‘Will you be a good girl?’