Chapter 26 Knox #2
“I did have one long-term relationship. It lasted about two years.” I swallow, hating that she may think less of me once she hears this story.
“Lana and I met through a mutual friend, and for a long time, we were good, but she didn’t understand my lucky charm.
She thought I was obsessed with your picture, and she was jealous.
It didn’t matter that I had no idea who you were or that we only spent one night together.
Hell, that probably made it worse.” Shame heats my cheeks.
“I can’t blame her. Hockey superstitions are hard to explain to outsiders, but now, in retrospect, I can see that she was right.
My heart was elsewhere, and that wasn’t fair to her. ”
Ava strokes my knuckles with her thumb, encouraging me to continue.
“At the time, I thought she might be the one, but things between us were never quite right. They weren’t as easy as I thought they should be.” I meet Ava’s gaze. “They weren’t as easy as what I have with you.”
She pulls back, burying her face in her hands. “Oh god. I’m the worst.”
What? No. I move the cake to the nightstand and drag her hands from her face. “Why would you say that?”
“Because you’re sitting here spilling your guts, and you’re basically the perfect man—a walking green flag—and not only did I ruin your last relationship, I’m also making you lie to your mentor. I’d say that’s pretty sucky.”
If that’s truly how she feels, I’m fucking this up—big time.
So fix it, dumbass.
“First of all, you didn’t ruin my relationship with Lana. I did that all on my own. Second, you’re not making me do anything. I’m a grown man, Ava. I have agency.” I scrub a hand over my face. “But you’re right. It sucks.”
Big time.
“I’m sorry,” Ava says, the words tumbling out in a rush.
“I didn’t mean to bring all of this up, but it’s been eating at me.
Things with Adam are getting better and it’s like I’m walking around with this giant secret and I don’t want to tell him because it will ruin everything, but at the same time, keeping it from him is killing me because I’m a lying liar.
” She grimaces. “I can only imagine how it makes you feel.”
“It’s…not great.”
Understatement. It fucking blows. I’ve always tried to be honest with the people in my life, and as far as I’m concerned, a lie by omission is still a lie.
Ava drops her chin into her hand. “Some mental performance coach I am. I’m supposed to help athletes get out of their heads, yet I’m stuck in mine.”
“Hey, this isn’t a reflection of your ability to do your job.
” I squeeze her knee through the sheet. “You’re a great coach, but something’s got to give.
We can’t keep going like this.” I take both of her hands in mine.
“Can you honestly tell me that you’re going to be able to walk away from me—from us—at the end of the season? ”
She bites her lip. “I…don’t know.”
The admission stings, but she’s scared. Hell, I am too. But like I said, something had to give. If it’s me, so be it. Maybe I just need to take a leap of faith and show her that I’m not going to back down or change my mind. Show her that I’m all in—with her.
Steeling my resolve, I climb out of bed and grab my pants off the floor, retrieving my lucky charm. Then I drop down on the edge of the bed, holding up the photo strip.
“I knew from the moment you walked back into my life that you were the one for me, Ava. Now, I know I’m just a superstitious hockey player, but the way I felt about this picture for all those years?
It was a hell of a lot stronger than the way a guy feels about a pair of lucky socks.
Maybe all that time I was just holding out, waiting for fate to work its magic and bring you back into my life. ”
Ava’s brow furrows. “That’s crazy.”
“Is it? You told me you believed in fate. Were you lying?”
“No, but—”
“No buts. The universe brought us back together for a reason. I believe that and I’ll be damned if I’m going to fuck it up because I’m too scared to fight for what I want.”
Her shoulders sag and she pulls her knees up to her chest. “We shouldn’t have to fight to be together.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But what I do know is that life is too short to ride the bench. After I lost my parents, I promised myself I’d never hold back because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
” I reach out and cup her cheek. “I fucking love you, Ava. I think some part of me has always loved you, even when I thought I’d never see you again. ”
Her lip quivers. “You love me?”
“Yes, I love you. So fucking much. And I know I said I’d figure this out, but I haven’t because the only way out is through.
We have to tell your father. We have to tell him and accept the consequences because as much as I fear his disappointment, and as much as I fear losing him, I fear losing you more.
I’ve been through that before and I won’t do it again.
” I set the photo strip aside and take both of her hands.
“Pretending what we have is just sex is a total slap in the face to you, to me, and to what we could be together.”
AVA
My heart swells at Knox’s admission. He loves me.
It’s more than I dared hope for, and now that he’s laid it all on the line, I can’t leave him hanging. Sure, I could fall back on my old rationales—my father, my job—and they’re just as valid today as they were six weeks ago, but things have changed.
I’ve changed.
I can’t continue to live by other people’s rules, squished into the narrow confines of who and what I should be, how I should behave, and how much space I’m allowed to take up.
The world isn’t fair. It never has been and it never will be, and following arbitrary rules about what it means to be nice aren’t getting me anywhere. I’ve done everything society told me to do, everything my family told me to do, and what’s it gotten me?
Stuck.
Stuck in a job I love, working for a man I despise.
Stuck in an awkward dance with my father, unable to tell him how I really feel.
Stuck in a no-strings situationship, forced to choose between my career and the man I love.
I stiffen.
“Ava?” Knox squeezes my hands, worry lining his eyes. “You still with me, darlin’?”
The things I want most are just out of my grasp, but have I ever dared to reach for them?
I grip Knox’s hands, and when our eyes meet, it’s like coming home.
All this time he’s been trying so hard to show me who he is and how he feels, and I’ve cut him off at every turn, certain that if I just played by the rules, everything would work out.
God was I foolish.
I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize it.
There are no rules when it comes to love. The heart wants what the heart wants, and mine wants Knox. Now and always.
“Knox.” I swallow, pushing past the fear and anxiety. “I love you. I’ve been trying to fight it, trying to deny it, but the truth is, I’m head over heels, butt crazy in love with you.”
He beams at me—actually freaking beams—his grin wider than I’ve ever seen it before, his dimples on full display. “Butt crazy in love, huh?”
I nod, grinning so hard my cheeks ache. “Majorly, totally.”
Knox raises our joined hands to his lips and kisses them. “Does this mean you’re ready to make it official?”
“Yes…and no.” His face falls, and I rush to explain. “I want the commitment and the labels and lazy Sunday mornings with you. I want it all.”
“But?”
“I think we should wait until the season is over to go public. The team is finally clicking, and I don’t want to screw things up.”
“Public or private, our relationship isn’t going to hurt the team.”
“Maybe.” I bite my lower lip, thinking it over.
“But our relationship would be a distraction. On the ice and in the locker room. The guys might not care, but Adam will. That kind of anger and tension will fester, and it’ll impact the whole team.
” I sigh. “Things between us are getting better, and some days I even think he recognizes that I’m a grown woman with agency, so who knows?
Maybe given enough time, he’ll be okay with us dating.
But if he truly can’t accept our relationship, at least it will come to a head during the offseason. ”
When the fallout will be minimal.
Knox frowns. “What about your job?”
It’s a valid question. I’ve worked too darn hard to throw it all away, even for love, but maybe it doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game. So what if things don’t work out with the Gliders? Sure, it’s my dream job, but I earned my spot here and I can do it again, somewhere else.
“I love the work, but I hate the leadership. Banks is a misogynistic ass, and as much as I’d like a permanent position with the Gliders, I need to be realistic.” I shrug. “If the team continues to win, I should be able to leverage my experience to find something less toxic, even if it’s not pro.”
“You shouldn’t have to walk away from a job that you love, for any reason.”
He’s right, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make, because it’s less about our relationship and more about Banks, and that’s not a battle I’m equipped to fight. Not when I’m a contract employee with zero power and he’s BFFs with the GM.
I curl up to Knox’s side, resting my head on his chest. “I already have what I want most: you.”
He wraps his arm around my shoulders, holding me tight. “Alright. If this is what you really want, we’ll keep it quiet for now. But you better believe that when we go public, I’m going to be loud and proud.”
“Thank you.” I stretch up and brush a soft kiss on his lips. “When the season is over, we’re going to figure this out…together.”