Chapter Nine
SHAYLA
I ONLY REALIZE WHERE my feet have taken me when the front door opens, and a startled Hope lets me in. "Shayla?"
And I only realize why I'm here the moment I see her surprise turn to concern. "What is it?"
Ever since my parents' divorce, I've been determined to do things on my own.
To prove to everyone that I'm strong and independent, and that no one has any reason to look down on me even though I've come from a broken family.
I don't even like saying that word.
Broken.
Every time I hear someone talk about my family like that, it makes me feel they think I'm broken, too, by default.
And so I've made it a point never to ask for help.
Until now.
Because I think...
I really think I'm about to break.
"Oh, Shay."
Hope gets me inside, and I'm not sure how long I end up crying in their living room. I can't even make myself care that her husband's there to witness my breakdown.
I'm just so tired.
So, so tired of pretending to be strong when I'm really not.
And these two.
It's, like, they know exactly when and when not to speak.
They're perfect, really.
Either that...or it's just like Hope says, and God's the reason why they are how they are.
What about me, God?
What about me?
Is my life the way it is because it's how You want it?
"Shay?"
And there it is again.
Hope interrupting my thoughts at the right moment...and stopping me from making accusations that even I know are unfair and baseless.
"What happened?" Hope glances at her husband. "Maybe you should —"
I shake my head. "He should probably stay. Maybe he can share a guy's perspective or something."
"Then I'll stay for as long as I'm needed."
Colin's voice is quiet and gentle.
It's actually how I wish my father would have talked to me, the day he and Mom decided to separate. And just remembering this brings fresh tears to my eyes.
I'm so, so tired.
Just so, so tired of bottling everything up inside me —
"I don't know what to do..."
The words come out in a rush, and after that, the truth. Me being silly and stubborn when I insisted on pretending that nothing had changed. And after that, me being impulsive and shamefully weak when temptation got the better of us. And after that...
Tonight is what hurts the most. Because when he told me I was driving him crazy, I believed him. So why was he okay with Therese pawing him like that? Had he been lying to me all this time? When I allowed him to touch me that night...had that been enough to make the novelty of having me gradually wear off? Had I stopped being a challenge, and that was why I had lost interest? Was this God's way of —
"You need to stop beating yourself up over what happened, Shay."
Hope squeezes my hand as she speaks, and her words make me feel like I'm slowly emerging from this world of darkness that I didn't even realize I had been trapped in.
"Please know that I'm not judging or condoning anything you did, but right now, I think there's one thing you need to hear the most."
Oh no.
Why do I feel like covering my ears when I see Hope leaning forward? It's almost like —
" Please stop punishing yourself every time you feel you've done something wrong."
Almost like she sees through me even though we haven't talked to each other for years —
" It doesn't work that way, Shay. And God...He doesn't work that way either."
Because He wants to tell me something through her.
I didn't even realize I'm crying again until Hope sits down next to me, and I'm crying in her arms like I'm a little girl again.
Her words remind me of the past, and Hope listens with sympathy and patience as I tell her about how I had once told my dad about getting my first B- in school, and him just nodding before telling me he's done with our family.
"I think I'm even more confused this time," I joke tearfully as I pull away. "I thought I was coming here to vent about my boss, but instead I end up talking about old childhood wounds that I didn't know existed."
Ever the thoughtful gentleman, Colin offers us tissues, and we both laugh helplessly even as we start dabbing our eyes.
"God works in mysterious ways," my friend says, and all I can do is nod.
No truer words have been spoken, and when Hope asks if she can pray for me...
All I can do is nod. Because the moment I try to speak, I feel like I'm going to cry again.
No one has ever asked me that.
No one.
And I wonder how my life would change if someone had, the first time I needed someone to show me that I could always run to God, no matter what.
****
H OPE INSISTS I SLEEP in their guestroom later that night, and honestly? I didn't put up much of a protest. I just wasn't ready to be all alone in my apartment.
Even so, sleep still doesn't come easy. Hope's prayer comes back to me, and my chest squeezes. It was a really simple prayer, but just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
Lord, Shayla, Your beloved daughter needs to hear Your voice.
We know You've been by her side all this time.
But we also know this world that we live in has a way of making it hard for us to feel Your presence.
May she hear Your voice, Lord. May she know Your will. May she find strength and comfort in You, so that she'll never be made to think she's ever alone. She never was, and she never will be. May her hope always be found in You.
I toss and turn in bed. The cat-shaped analog clock on the bedside table tells me it's already midnight, and yet...I still haven't heard a thing.
Should I not be hearing God's voice by this time?
It's so, so tempting to think it's because He's abandoned me...but I remind myself I know better now.
Right?
I sit up. But it still doesn't feel right. I get to my feet. But it's not right either. Nothing feels right until I find myself down on my knees...
Like I have nowhere else to go...
Because I don't.
And that's when the tears start falling again.
I remember Therese touching Adriano like he's already hers, and it hurts.
So, so much.
I remember that night in the boardroom, and this hurts, too.
So, so much.
But what hurts most of all is this.
This feeling like I should be hearing His voice by now but I don't.
"I don't know if You're listening," I whisper. "I know I've never tried to talk to You. Never had the courage to find out if you were truly real. But this time..."
Oh God, please.
I can't even speak now.
The pain is just too much that all I can do is cry out to Him in my heart.
I want to believe You're there.
I think I believe, but I want to believe in You more.
So please God.
Please talk to me.