30. Alistair
ALISTAIR
Iheard Madison’s voice echo in the kitchen from where I stood at the top of the stairs, and my pulse jumped in anticipation.
I’d been anxious since coordinating the update to her Voyages app yesterday and had taken to pacing the length of my office when I wasn’t busy with Kenna.
I had no clue if Madison had even accessed her app yet to notice the update.
And if she had, I had no idea what she thought about it because she hadn’t reached out to me.
I was at a complete loss as to what she was thinking and feeling, and that had left me spiraling all night.
I wanted to fix things.
I wanted to be a person she could rely on and trust.
Most of all, I wanted her to know how I felt.
And I can’t wait any longer, I realized. I couldn’t wait for an app to do the heavy lifting. I needed to talk to her again.
Once Kenna started at nursery, she would no longer need a nanny. Without the nanny job, Madison would have no reason to keep showing up at Dunhope and I…I couldn’t accept the idea of her no longer being around. This couldn’t be the end of us.
I sucked in a deep breath and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. Florence glanced at me as I walked into the room, her eyes narrowing. She was still furious with me and didn’t bother to hide her disappointment. It made me want to return to my office. But I couldn’t do that.
Not if I wanted Madison to understand.
I held Florence’s gaze for a beat. I wanted to say I’m trying to fix this, but with a pointed look, she slipped from the kitchen, leaving the two of us alone.
“Morning,” Madison said without looking at me.
She unpacked her purse onto the island. It was filled with small boxes of beads, each of them tied with a ribbon.
Recently, she’d started showing up with little treats or surprises in case Kenna was having a bad day—which was the case more often than I’d like.
I knew that was my fault. Kenna was still miserable over all the change, but I hoped to at least start putting everything back in order today.
I wanted to go back to the way things were before Jessica crashed and burned once again through my life.
“Good morning,” I said, leaning against the other side of the island. “How was the drive in?”
Madison lifted her shoulder. “Pretty sure a few of the news vans have finally left. There seem to be fewer of them camped out at the gates.”
“That’s promising to hear.” I was damn near desperate for the day when I’d become old news again.
I dreamed of the chance to take Madison’s hand and stroll down the high street with her and Kenna, with no concerns for cameras or foul-mouthed paparazzi.
I pictured myself introducing her to the joys of the kilted dash at the summer festival.
She hummed noncommittally. “At least they’ve stopped jumping out in front of the van. That was starting to stress me out. Is Kenna in the playroom?”
She was walking before I answered. “She’s fine for now,” I called after her. “Can we talk first?”
Madison hovered in the doorway, and the tension coiled between us.
I gripped the counter with one hand, feeling like the ground might open up beneath me. “Did you happen to figure out where you want to go next?”
“I was looking,” she said, turning to me, voice even.
“On Voyages?” I asked, studying her expression for any sort of clue. Had she noticed the alterations to her account?
“I saw the changes, if that’s what you’re hinting at,” she said. “And I get what you were trying to do.”
I took a step toward her, aching to reach out to her but holding back. “All I wanted to do was make sure you always know how to get back home.”
Madison folded her arms across her chest, sighing. “Braeburn has started to feel like home. So I’ve decided to stick around a little longer while I figure out what my next steps are.”
A ridiculous amount of hope bloomed inside me. “I knew you could be happy here at Dunhope with me and—”
Madison cut me off with a shake of her head, making that hope go cold in an instant.
“That’s not what I meant, Alistair. Braeburn has started to feel like home.
Dunhope isn’t my home. I’m not part of this family, which was something you made very clear to me.
I’m just the nanny, and upgrading my app doesn’t change that. ”
“You’re so much more than the nanny,” I said, throat thick. “It was stupid of me to engage with them, and I knew better, but I opened my mouth anyway and spewed out that drivel hoping they’d leave you alone.”
“Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.”
“You’re right. I probably made it worse by giving them another target, and for that, I apologize.
For saying you were just the nanny and for the harassment from the paps.
” Grief flashed across her face, and I took a shuddering breath.
“Madison, I want you here because you’re you.
Because you belong with us.” I gestured toward her phone.
“That’s what I tried to show you with the app. ”
She rubbed her eyes, looking tired. “Alistair, you told me my happiness was my own problem.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. When I said those things…” I ran my hand through my hair, tugging at the strands. “I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“Or maybe you were,” she said. “I don’t really know. All I know is that you made the choice to push me away, and there is no app that lets you undo that.”
This was all wrong. “Madison, I love you.”
She shook her head, holding her hand out to stop me from closing the distance, and at that moment, my heart dropped from my chest and onto the floor.
“Do you really?” she asked, sounding resigned. “Or did you just love having someone around who made your life easier and provided everything you needed? Because the moment I stood up for myself and asked for what I needed, you shut me out.”
“That’s not what I meant to do.” God, I was such a self-centered arse to her and my friends. How did everyone put up with me?
She gave her head a sad shake. “Maybe not. I don’t think you had any intentions at all when it came to me.
You were thinking about yourself and Kenna and what you believed would be the best for the two of you.
What I might want never factored into the equation at all.
And that proves to me that I don’t belong here with you.
Not when you treat me like an afterthought instead of like an actual partner.
I want to know who my mother was. I want to talk to people from the places she went to and make connections and grow as a person.
I can’t do that from behind a turret.” Madison took a step back from me, putting more distance between us.
“You might be fine living like a recluse for the rest of your life, but I can’t be afraid to live for the rest of mine.
I deserve to be more than some secret locked away in a castle. ”
I tasted bile. It felt like I was going to be sick. “You’re right. I was scared, and I made decisions that should have been for both of us to make. But we can work through that now.”
“How, Alistair?” Her voice was flat. “Because nothing has really changed. You say you want me and that you love me, and sure, maybe things will quiet down in a few weeks or months, and you’ll go back to pretending everything is fine.
But the moment the next story breaks or Jessica says something ridiculous and has the media in another frenzy, you’re going to freak out all over again, and the walls will go back up.
I’m not going to wait around for you to slam another door in my face. ”
“Madison, I—”
“Don’t bother updating my app anymore,” she said, drifting into the hallway. “Because whoever it is you think you love, it isn’t me.”
She turned on her heel then and marched away, leaving me reeling in the aftermath of her rejection.
By the time evening rolled around, I still hadn’t processed the conversation completely. All I knew was that Madison didn’t want to try again. She didn’t want to fix what she believed was unfixable. And maybe she was right. Maybe I’d screwed this all up to the point of no return.
I hadn’t been able to convince her of how much I loved her or how badly I wanted for us to build a life together.
She didn’t see Dunhope as home.
Kenna climbed into my lap where I sat on the couch, and I pressed a kiss to her temple as one of her shows played on the TV. I didn’t even care that this was the fifth episode of Atomic Kitten Rescue I was being forced to watch. Tonight, the only thing I could think about was how much I’d lost.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I reached for it. “Hey,” I said, answering Weston’s call.
“Locke just texted,” he said. “They were at the hospital in Aberdeen this afternoon for an appointment. The doc has induced Isla.”
“Wait, they’re having the baby?” I said, sitting up so quickly I had to catch Kenna before she could tumble off my lap.
“What baby?” she asked, looking up at me with excitement.
“Locke said it was slow going at first, but the labor’s going more quickly now. Lena, Aisling, and I are headed over to Aberdeen if you want to join us?”
“Yeah,” I said, getting to my feet, still clutching Kenna in one arm.
“Great, we’ll swing out and grab you in about twenty minutes.”
I hung up, and Kenna took my cheeks between her little hands. “Is Auntie Isla having the baby?”
“She sure is,” I told her, warmed by her buoyant smile. I glanced around, and it was only when my eyes landed on nothing but furniture that I realized I was looking for Madison. Part of me just felt like she should be there, at a moment like this. But she wasn’t. And she never would be again.