Chapter 27
LENA
Inever thought I’d be the kind of person to run from my feelings, but when Tess had suggested I visit Montana and crash with her, I’d immediately taken her up on the offer. Getting away from Scotland and Houston, getting out of my own head—that’s exactly what I’d needed.
Now that I was here, though, I realized I’d run from the estate in Braeburn right to a ranch in Montana, and all being here did was remind me of everything I’d left behind in those heather-covered hills.
The sun rising over the hilltops, the bellow of cattle on the wind, even the tinkling bell of some animal’s halter all reminded me of Lochbrae.
I sighed, cupping my mug where I sat on the porch, the coffee having long gone cold. I tried not to let my thoughts drift back to the Highlands, but I couldn’t help it. All I could do was think about how much I missed the castle and my demon pony.
And Weston.
Most of all, Weston.
I swallowed hard. He was the one I was trying hardest not to think about, and as such, he was the hardest to forget.
“Okay,” Tess said, stepping out onto the porch behind me. She had a hand on her hip, looking at me like I was a math problem that needed solving. “We’re going out.”
“I don’t want to go out,” I said. I wanted to sit here on the porch until I turned to jelly. I wondered how long it would take. Days? Weeks, maybe?
“I know,” Tess said. “But if I leave you here, you’re going to start rotting, and that’s not why I invited you up here. I wanted you to recharge. Reset. And you can’t do that in the fetal position.”
“I’m not in the fetal position,” I argued.
“Not yet,” Tess said, “and I plan to keep it that way.” She waved her arms in a “get up” motion. “C’mon, let’s go. Just into town for good coffee. I can only handle so much of Cole’s burnt grounds.”
“Hey!” her fiancé called from inside. “I heard that!”
“I love you, honey,” Tess tossed over her shoulder. “But your palate is like cardboard. I need good caffeine.”
Cole came to the door, six feet of smiling cowboy. “You said you liked my coffee.”
“I lied,” Tess said, smiling back at him. “But I like you.”
“Suppose I’ll settle for that.” He tilted his head, eyeing me. “Don’t let her boss you around, Lena.”
Tess snorted. “I’ve been bossing her around since second grade. That’s not about to change now.”
I got to my feet, realizing how true that was.
Tess snagged me by the arm, half dragging me down the porch steps to her car.
Tess drove us to a place called Oats and Goats, insisting they had the best honey and cinnamon oat milk latte.
I didn’t know if I was in the right mood to appreciate such a drink, but I let Tess tug me along toward the counter.
There was a small line, and it moved alarmingly slowly. When the man in front of us finally grabbed his drinks to go, I almost cheered. But the moment he spun around, my jaw dropped.
His eyes landed on me, widening as he staggered to a stop. Ice rattled in his cups. “Lena?”
“Hi Derek,” I said, that name conjuring up a wave of uncomfortable nostalgia. I wondered suddenly how horrible it would be if I simply turned around and walked out the door. What was it about exes showing up in coffee shops?
“You’re here,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean, you’re back?”
“Just temporarily,” I explained, the suffocating awkwardness engulfing us.
“She’s visiting me!” Tess cut in.
“Right,” Derek said. “Yeah, of course.”
“Anyway,” Tess gestured to the counter, “I’m just gonna order those drinks. You two…carry on or whatever.” She slipped away, giving me an apologetic shrug behind Derek’s back as she went up to place our orders.
I was going to kill her. But first I had to survive a reunion with my first-ever ex while I was busy missing my latest ex. Maybe I should have just stayed in Houston and eaten my weight in beignets, but then there was the chance I’d run into Narissa again.
“I saw that you and Natalie just had a new baby,” I said, zeroing in on the first thing I could think to say. “Congratulations!”
“Er, thank you,” he said. “Yeah, it’s, uh…definitely a full house now.” He laughed a bit, the sound hollow as he looked at me, the expression on his face shifting as we stepped aside so as not to be in the way of the line. “I’m sorry, Lena.”
“For what?” I said.
“I just…I’ve owed you an apology for years,” he said, sighing. “But I didn’t have the courage to offer it back then.”
“Derek,” I started, an old ache burning in my chest. I beat back the flashes of memory. “You didn’t cause that accident on purpose.”
“No, I know.” His frown deepened. “But I felt so guilty after, especially when I realized how serious your injuries were—that you wouldn’t be able to have children the way you always planned.
” He squeezed the drink in his hand so hard the plastic made a popping sound.
“That was my fault. I took that away from you, and I felt guilty every time I looked at you. So I pulled away.”
“That’s why you broke up with me?” I said, stunned by the confession. I wanted to grab him and shake him to make sure this moment was real. “Not because I couldn’t have children, but because you felt like it was your fault?”
He nodded. “Of course. It was cowardly of me to run from the problem rather than putting in the work with you to move past it, but I was a dumb, guilt-stricken kid who didn’t know how to tell you the truth, which was why I lied.
I never wanted to hurt you, but I was so focused on avoiding pain for myself that I didn’t put enough thought into what I said. ”
I nodded dumbly. “Thank you,” I said. “For what it’s worth, I don’t blame you for the wreck.” The accident, as horrible as it was, was just that. An accident. “So you should probably stop blaming yourself.”
The corner of his mouth quirked, and he nodded. “I’ll give it a try. See you around, Lena?”
“Yeah, see you.”
I watched him walk out the door like I was staring at a memory. But at least it was a memory that now hurt a little bit less than it had yesterday. Tess came up beside me, drinks in hand. “What the hell was that all about?”
“Let’s get out of here,” I said, head still reeling. “I need to process.” And I wasn’t going to risk another public conversation that would end up on social media.
We made our way outside, forgoing the car and heading to a nearby park instead. We started walking, wandering the gravel paths as I slurped my drink—which was delicious—and mentally replayed what Derek had said.
“I can’t tell if you love it or hate it,” Tess said in regard to my latte. “Your forehead is all wrinkled.”
“Sorry,” I said, relaxing my face. “Thinking too hard.” I caught my lip between my teeth, running over the interaction again. Had I spent half of my life feeling less than all because of a damn lie?
“What are you mulling over up there?” Tess asked.
I explained what Derek had said.
“You were in high school,” Tess said, trying to help me get some perspective. “You’d just suffered a massive trauma, the doctors hit you with the baby thing, and then your boyfriend did a disappearing act after hitting you with that? How else were you supposed to react?”
“You don’t think there might have been a misunderstanding in college then too?” I asked. “Was I wrong to think that Beckett rejected me because I couldn’t have children?”
“No,” Tess admitted, wincing as she took a long drag from her drink. “I really do think that’s exactly why Beckett dumped you—because he was an ass.”
The way she said it, so matter-of-fact, made me laugh despite everything.
“But forget about Beckett,” she said, stopping and squeezing my hand.
It was cold from the condensation on her cup.
“Because he’s not important. The important thing here is letting go of the idea that not being able to have children of your own means you won’t be loved.
That’s just not true, Lena. And you need to stop putting that pressure on yourself.
You’re not broken or less than, and if anyone tells you otherwise, send them my way and I’ll make sure they’re never seen again.
” I choked back a laugh. “You deserve love the same as everyone else, and the ability to have children has nothing to do with that.”
I nodded, a bubble of emotion inflating inside me. “Do you think I got it wrong with Weston?” I asked, my voice smaller. More uncertain.
“I think we could speculate about that all day,” Tess said, “but there’s only one way to actually find out. You have to talk to him and ask if not being able to have kids was a dealbreaker—”
“—or if I was making assumptions again.”
Tess nodded.
I gave her a sad, wan smile. “I’m not sure I’m brave enough for that.”