Chapter 31
LENA
What the absolute fuck am I doing?
My entire body trembled as I turned up the drive to Lochbrae, and I sucked in a sharp breath, attempting to steady myself, attempting to stop myself from shaking out of my skin.
Nerves roiled in my gut. Nerves and panic and so much anxiety I thought I was going to be sick.
And there, swirling in that gross, panicky mix, was the smallest bubble of hope.
Ridiculous, delusional hope.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Tess had asked me the same thing when Jo’s article had turned up at her place in Montana. Was Weston worth tearing myself open again? Was he worth flying halfway across the world?
I’d pored over the article, over his words, again and again, until the paper had started to wear away at the edges and crumble along the seam where I’d folded it. That’s a person I trust completely…Someone I love with all my heart.
Someone who claimed he wanted to apologize. I couldn’t deny that I wanted to know if Weston Kincaid truly knew what it would take to work his way back into my life again.
A ball of emotion lodged in my throat, my eyes fighting a familiar pressure matched by the churning in my stomach as I pulled up in front of the castle, that familiar, towering building more daunting than ever.
I hadn’t known how to answer Tess before I left.
I hadn’t known if Weston was worth coming all this way.
I didn’t really know if he’d changed. Words were just words.
Anyone could say nice things and put them in print.
I still didn’t know the answer now as I sat in my rental car, engine running.
But I wanted to find out. Because he’d said he was staying here, permanently.
He was committing himself to this community.
He was opening his home to children who needed it.
If all that was true, then he wasn’t the same man who’d broken my heart.
Not anymore. Now he was someone who was trying to do better.
And that’s why I was here. Because part of me knew I’d never find peace until I heard him out.
I’d spend my life wondering if he really had changed and I’d missed my chance at happiness.
That wasn’t a reality I wanted to live with.
So that’s all I was here to do. Give him the opportunity to say his part, and if I didn’t like what he said, if all I saw was the same emotionally stunted man I’d walked away from all those months ago, then I’d turn around and leave.
I nodded to myself, cutting the engine. The car stilled, and that roiling discomfort returned. I pressed my hand to my gut. “You can do this,” I said, staring at those familiar turrets. “Just get out of the car.”
I groaned, pressing my head back against the headrest. I could really use one of Tess’s pep talks right about now, but it was four in the morning back in Montana. She’d offered to come with me, but I’d lied and told her I’d be fine.
I squeezed the wheel hard, trying to rid myself of some of the nerves, but they multiplied instead.
Maybe I wasn’t ready.
Maybe I never would be.
My hand reached for the key. Should I just turn the car around and take myself back to the Deerhound?
Crunch. Thunk. Jingle.
What the hell was—
I snapped my head around, looking out the passenger window, only to spy a scruffy mane. A second later, a pair of giant pony teeth appeared, latching onto the side mirror, chewing on the plastic casing.
I rolled the window down in a panic. “Bonnie, no!” I cried.
Crunch. Crunch.
“Stop chewing on that!”
She whinnied in response, those horsey lips taunting me. I glowered at her. Oh, hell no, demon pony! I kicked the driver’s door open and climbed out, stalking around the car to the passenger side.
“Get away from there,” I hissed, shooing her. “This is a rental.”
Wee menace echoed in my head as if Weston was standing there and saying it himself. I couldn’t help the fleeting smile that tugged at my lips. Bonnie renewed her efforts, scratching at the plastic with her teeth, leaving me no choice but to snag her by the halter, hauling her away.
“Why are you like this?” I grunted. “You have entire pastures to graze on.”
The massive front doors of the castle swung open, and Weston stepped out.
My breath caught at the sight of him, casual in jeans and a navy long sleeve, dark hair mussed as if he’d been running tense fingers through it.
There were dark circles under his eyes and a hollowness to him that hadn’t been there before, but he was still striking.
It was the best sight in the world.
And the worst.
My heart lobbed painfully against my ribs, my entire body yearning to close the distance between us and sink into his strong arms.
At the same time, I wanted to turn around and flee into the hills.
Before I could make up my mind, Milo appeared at Weston’s side, barking excitedly at my arrival, and Bonnie lunged forward, dragging me in their direction.
I released her before I ended up on my ass, but she’d already pulled me halfway to Weston.
He came down the steps, and when he stopped, he was close enough for me to touch.
I didn’t, keeping my hands firmly by my side, breathing hard as the chaos of emotion swirled inside me. “I see she’s still a menace,” I said, just to ease the tension.
“Worse than ever,” he agreed. His gaze flicked over me, up and down, like he didn’t know where to look first. Like he thought I might vanish in a puff of smoke at any minute.
My eyes ran over him too, studying those green eyes, suddenly desperate to memorize every band of color.
“You came,” he finally said, voice thick. Bonnie and Milo raced around, herding us closer together.
“I came,” I said, tearing my eyes away before I could get caught up in the intensity of his stare.
“I wasn’t sure you would.”
“I wasn’t sure myself,” I admitted. “I still don’t completely know why I’m here.”
“Because you wanted to talk, I hope? That’s what I want.” His hand moved to reach for me, but I turned inward, crossing my arms against my chest.
“So talk,” I said. “Tell me what I’m doing here.”
“You read the article?”
I nodded slowly. “Yep. You’re settling here, you’re changing lives, you’re…doing some wonderful things for this town.”
“And they’d only be more wonderful with you by my side,” he insisted.
I licked my lips. “As what? Your live-in assistant? Because I’m not interested in that role anymore.”
“That’s not what I need,” he said, a growl in his voice. “I need you. Not because you were my assistant, not because you were my wife, but because you’re you. You’re my person.”
A bubble of disbelief shot up my throat. It spilled out as a laugh. “If I was really your person, you never would have pushed me away after the festival.”
His face fell. “There’s nothing I can do but apologize for that, Lena.” He reached out again, but I held back.
“I’m not sure you actually know what you’re sorry for.”
“I do now,” he promised. “I didn’t back then, when I sent you the keys to the suite in New Orleans. I thought that all I needed to apologize for was hurting your feelings. For being harsh with you that night. But I know better now. That wasn’t what I really needed to apologize for.”
“Then what is?” I asked, my heart racing so fast I could feel it at the base of my throat.
“You deserve an apology because I was afraid to love you,” he said.
“I was afraid of the depth of my feelings and of being hurt the way my parents hurt each other. You had every right to privacy about your medical history—but hearing that you’d kept something major from me came as a shock because it made me realize just how completely I’d let you in, how much you knew about everything to do with me.
And that was enough to make me panic. Pulling back from the relationship was easier than confronting how terrified I was of loving you completely.
That fear turned me into the worst version of myself.
When you shared the most vulnerable part of yourself, instead of giving you the understanding and support that you deserved, I failed you. ”
I swallowed hard, biting down to keep my jaw from trembling. He had failed me, when all I’d wanted was for him to understand that. For him to want me enough to fix it.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away,” he continued, “and for not letting myself love you the way you deserved. More than that, I’m sorry you had to wait around for me to figure all this out.”
A few tears slipped free. I swiped at them. Weston reached for me again, catching me by the elbow. This time I let him tug me closer.
“My heart still beats for you, Lena. It will only ever be you.”
“How can it be if you don’t trust me?”
“I do trust you,” he said, catching my face between his hands.
“For years, you’ve been one of the few people in my life I could trust. I shut my eyes to that because I was scared and defensive and a right bloody asshole, but I’m through hiding from my feelings.
I trust you, I love you, and all I want is a chance to make up for the way I hurt you.
I’m trying to be someone worthy of you now.
Someone capable of loving you as hard and as deeply as you deserve.
Do you think you could want that with me again? ”
I flattened my lips together, trying to keep the trembling at bay, nodding. I did want that. “Yes,” I whispered.
He pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry I made you feel like you weren’t whole or worthy or anything but perfect. Because you are, Lena. You’re perfect. For me. For Lochbrae. For the life I want to build here with you.”
“So not being able to have kids,” I said, hesitating a moment. “You’re…okay with that?”