26. Locke
LOCKE
Ipaused in the middle of my work email, staring down at the reminder that blinked up on my phone—Call Mum.
That particular reminder only popped up once a year. I braced myself, then picked up the phone.
Mum answered on the second ring.
“Happy birthday!” I said.
“Oh, hello, darling! Thank you,” she gushed, sounding delighted. “How are you?”
“Good. You all right?” A pang of guilt ate at me. She always sounded so happy to hear from me. But these days, I only called on her birthday. She called for my birthday, too, but she always sounded tentative, as if she wasn’t sure of her welcome, and even then, the calls were short and sweet.
“I’m wonderful,” she said. “Thanks for calling.”
“Good to hear. What have you got planned for the day?” I asked.
“Oh, you know, dinner with some of my girlfriends tonight at the yacht club.”
Mum had always loved the water. She lived in a beachfront property in Dorset now.
I could have flown down to the south of England to have dinner with her if I’d really wanted to, but we both knew I wouldn’t.
It had been years since the last time we’d seen each other in person.
Sometimes it frustrated me to think of how distant we were these days, remembering how close we used to be when I was young.
But I supposed her running off to pursue some European fling and abandoning my father and me was bound to put a damper on our relationship.
It didn’t matter that she’d regretted her decision and tried to come back.
What mattered was the choice she’d made in the first place.
A choice that didn’t include me or my father.
“Might do a few drinks after at the Assembly,” Mum mused. “They have a lovely jazz ensemble that plays on the weekends. But I think it’ll be just a quiet evening, really.”
“Not if Harriett Langford is turning up to your party again,” I joked, keeping things light. “You’ll be in the society pages by morning.”
Mum laughed, the sound like chimes, which took me back to happier times. “Harriett was banned from the club after making off with half the silent auction items in her purse during the last gala. Did I tell you?”
She hadn’t told me—at least, not that I recalled. Harriett, however, was always up to some kind of shenanigan. At least my mother’s life wasn’t dull.
“But how are things with you?” Mum asked. “Tell me everything.”
“More or less the same as always.” I leaned back in my chair, rubbing at the scruff on my chin.
I needed a trim more than usual. Isla would have said so—would have poked teasingly at my face and asked if I was trying to look like Father Time.
But being teased by her wasn’t a problem I had anymore.
That ache flared to life again, and I tried not to miss the softness of her cheek against mine.
I didn’t know how it was possible to miss someone so much.
I shoved that thought aside. Hard. “I’ve got a new property in development in Braeburn. ”
Mum hummed. “Yes, I saw the announcement on the company website. It looks like it’ll make for a lovely hotel.”
“You’ll have to come up and stay when construction is done.”
“Is that the only property on the go right now?”
I laughed. As if. “No, we just had our planning permission approved for the loft-style boutique hotel in Edinburgh city center. And we’re almost finished with the resort in the Cairngorms. It should be ready for a late winter opening.”
“I’m sure the skiers will be lining up.”
“That’s the plan. But my focus is on the West Lothian site right now. I ran into a bit of a headache there.”
“Oh?”
“Apparently, we were trying to build on some thirteenth-century monastery ruins. I hadn’t had a roadblock like that for a long time, so I ended up calling Dad in for advice.”
“Well, your father was always very good at sorting those kinds of things,” Mum said. “Anything going on other than work?”
I opened my mouth to say no. It was my usual answer to this very usual question, partly because I still kept her emotionally at arm’s length.
Maybe it was time to say more. Isla and I had agreed to wait until the first trimester was over before sharing the news, but we were past that threshold now, and there wasn’t any reason not to share the news.
Sure, Isla and I weren’t together anymore, but that was still my child.
Besides, what better gift could I possibly give my mother than the news she was about to be a grandmother?
I found that I was a little excited to tell her.
I cleared my throat. “Actually, Mum, I do have a bit of news.”
“Yes?”
“First, tell me this. Do you want to be called Granny or something posh like Grandmama?”
Mum gasped in my ear. “You must be joking! Please tell me you’re not? If this is some kind of prank, then it’s a rotten thing to do to your mother on her birthday.”
I chuckled at her excitement. “I am not joking. You’re going to be a grandmother.”
“Oh, sweetheart!” she gushed. I heard as she stifled a sob with her hand.
“Mum, don’t cry.”
“I just…I’m so incredibly happy. I can’t even put it into words.”
Pride welled inside me. “It’s a boy, by the way,” I said, thinking back to the ultrasound appointment. “We just found out not long ago.”
Mum blubbered unintelligibly. “I really can’t believe it.”
“Well, you’ve got some time to digest it all still.
Your grandson won’t be here until March.
” Given that it was currently the end of October, I figured that left Mum plenty of time to unearth the atrocious sailor outfit I’d worn as a baby.
Or maybe it had been relegated to the dustbin of history. One could only hope.
“No, I mean—of course I’m thrilled about the baby, but I’m beside myself to hear that you’ve finally gotten serious with someone,” Mum clarified. It sounded like she was blowing her nose. “That’s why I’m so happy.”
My heart dropped into my stomach. “Mum, I—”
“I really started to worry you were going to end up just like your father,” she continued, talking over me.
A hot flush prickled at the back of my neck. I got to my feet, pacing the length of my office. “What’s wrong with being like Dad?” I asked sharply. She knew how much I looked up to him.
“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that, sweetheart,” Mum hurried to say. “Your father is a wonderful man. He’s honest, honorable, hard working. There’s a lot to admire about him. I’m just…Do you not realize how lonely the man is?”
I stopped pacing, staring at the photo on my wall. It was an old picture from years ago. Dad and one of his business partners, shaking hands, cementing another great deal for Fraser Developments. Lonely?
I’d never thought of Dad as lonely, but now that I was staring the question in the face, it occurred to me that I couldn’t really think of anyone in my Dad’s life who would keep him from being lonely.
As far as I knew, he hadn’t had a romantic relationship since the divorce.
He was an only child with no close family other than me.
He had casual friends, but most of them were business acquaintances—people he could maybe grab a drink or dinner with, but no one to truly engage with on a deeper level.
Who was there to share the quiet moments?
No one.
That’s who.
My throat tightened.
“I know it’s maybe unfair of me to point this out,” Mum continued, her voice small.
“I’ve caused your father a lot of hurt over the years, and I take the blame for that.
But I never wanted him to end up alone. I’ve always wanted him to be happy.
To find his person. And that’s been my biggest source of guilt since the divorce. ”
“Dad being alone?” I said.
“Not just alone,” Mum said. “Some people are happy with a more solitary life. There’s nothing wrong with that, if it suits them.
But your father has so little to fill his days.
He closed himself off from the rest of the world after my affair came to light.
I’ve wanted to reach out to him so many times, but I know I no longer have the right. ”
I considered her words and how differently they’d both approached the divorce.
In the years since separating, Mum had moved on with her life.
She had hobbies, interests, and a lively social circle.
Dad had…well, he’d had work, especially right after the divorce.
But since he’d retired, I really didn’t know how he filled his days.
“Your father always struggled to maintain relationships,” Mum said.
“Even while we were together. I was the one always reaching out to friends, making social arrangements, planning holidays for us as a family, or just dragging him out for a stroll. Anything to make sure he didn’t completely lose himself in business proposals.
I knew he would find it difficult after we separated, but I never imagined he’d turn this inward. ”
A flash of emotion caught me off guard. It was strange hearing my mother display so much concern for my father after all this time.
“I really hate thinking of him that way, Locke. I hate imagining him all alone in that big house with nothing but his own thoughts.” Mum got choked up. “But even more than that, I hated the idea that you would follow in his footsteps.”
That I would become a lonely old man muttering to myself in my flat?
That I’d always be on the outside looking in?
An image appeared in my mind. Me hunched over my phone, watching Isla and our son grow up from the other side of a screen.
Her photos whipped across my vision. Birthdays.
Christmases. Summer festivals. Weston and Lena and Alistair and all the kids.
Everyone getting older. But where was I?
I forced the image from my mind. That wasn’t me.
That wasn’t who I would become!
“But now you have a baby on the way!” Mum said, her tone brighter, breaking me out of my own thoughts. “It’s such wonderful news, sweetheart. And now I can finally stop fretting over you.”
My throat tightened even more. “Mum…” I said, cutting her off as a hideous surge of guilt ate through me. “Isla and I—the baby’s mother—we’re not together. Not anymore.”
“Oh,” Mum said, the excitement and wonder and joy disappearing from her voice. “I didn’t…I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.” She really did sound sorry. “And is there no chance of a reunion there?”
The corner of my mouth turned down. “Isla doesn’t want that,” I said. She’d made it clear that what I had to offer wasn’t good enough for her.
“And do you?” Mum asked.
“No,” I said, the word tasting bitter. “Ending things was for the best.”
“I see.” Her tone was hopelessly sad.
I swallowed hard.
It sounded like she’d given up on the idea of me being happy at all, which was ridiculous. Because I was still going to be a father. I was still going to have a successful business, which equaled a successful life. That was enough, wasn’t it?
Wasn’t it?