Chapter 29
twenty-nine
AMANDA
The morning felt heavy with the weight of what was to come.
The old manor creaked in the cold, but it was cosy in Henry’s bed, wrapped in the circle of his body. Such a sweet place to be, but one I definitely didn’t deserve.
Henry’s arm was draped over my waist, where he’d fallen asleep when we finally got home from the ceilidh. His chest rose and fell against my back, each breath brushing me in a way that made my skin goosebumpy. Little echoes of last night’s happiness.
The ceilidh.
The stolen kisses in dark corners as the clock struck midnight.
That look he gave me when I whispered ‘Happy New Year’.
Like I’d accidentally offered him a forever I had no business offering.
It terrified me how easy it would be to just never go home. To hole up inside Bayview Manor, getting adored all day and railed to within an inch of my life all night. I could see why so many women lose themselves for premium cock.
Henry groaned when I shifted, needing to pack up my things if I was going to make my train.
‘Don’t,’ he mumbled into my hair, voice thick with sleep. ‘I’m not ready for you to start escaping.’
‘I need to pack.’
He nosed gently at the back of my neck, and that small, domestic intimacy made my throat choke up.
So many years of dreaming about having someone who wanted all of me just as I am.
Only to find it in the worst place. Why couldn’t Henry live in Edinburgh?
A city romance I could do. Maybe. Even then, Henry deserved someone better than me.
Someone who would flourish in a village where everyone knows everyone.
Someone sunny and bright and cheerful who could fill his house with cherubian babies.
’Stay,’ he murmured. ‘Just a bit longer.’
I rolled onto my back, and he shifted with me, draping himself half over me like a determined golden retriever who’d found his favourite toy and refused to give it up. His hair stood up in soft peaks, making him look sweet and sexy, and impossibly tempting.
Those blue eyes opened slowly, squinting at the pale January light leaking through the curtains.
‘Morning,’ he said.
‘Hey.’ I rolled over briefly, grabbing two mints and popping one in each of our mouths.
‘Are you saying a stink, Princess?’
‘No matter how hot you are, even you get morning breath after a night on the beer.’
‘Terrible lies,’ he groaned, ‘But this must mean you want me to kiss you.’
‘I do.’
‘I’m taking that as a marriage declaration. Merv will back me up as a witness.’
‘Merv isn’t even in the room.’ I giggled and snuggled into his chest.
‘Can you prove that to whoever is in charge of weddings?’
Eventually, he pulled back and studied me for a long moment, and it hit me: he really saw me. Not the polished version I gave everyone else. Not the efficient, put-together Amanda I was so good at performing. But the full-on messy version.
And he looked like he liked what he saw.
Which was absurd.
‘Otterleigh Bay’s got plenty to offer, you know,’ he said, his voice dipping into that coaxing tone he used when he was trying to win someone over. ‘You don’t need to run off to some sun-soaked beach to mend yourself. You could stay. With me.’
His thumb brushed the inside of my wrist, sending affection roiling through me.
‘There are pastries. And sunshine if we walk up to the headland early enough. And I’d very much like you to stay.’
My heart flipped, stupidly, the way it only ever did with him.
I looked away, because meeting his eyes would give me away.
He’d see that I wasn’t right for him at all.
He deserved someone like Claire, warm and sweet, who fit in here.
Someone who wanted a village and a house full of children, and everyone up in their business.
Someone who wasn’t me.
‘I can’t,’ I said softly. ‘I really can’t. The Leadbetters will be back tomorrow, and I’ve already stretched my welcome. I’ve got work piling up, and flights to look at, and clients who’ll need me and—’
‘And what do you need?’ he interrupted..
The truth was simple: Him.
But also complicated. I needed my career, and Uber. And the anonymity of the city. Someone who wanted to travel with me, and who only wanted one kid, far into the future.
‘I don’t know,’ I admitted. ‘Everything feels lovely here. Too lovely. It’s been weddings and fairy lights and everyone high on romance. It’s a new year, and I’m tired and sentimental, and it’s too easy to be wooed by something that it’sn’t reality.’
Something flickered in his face, and he tried to hide it, but I saw it before he could. Pain.
It felt like being stabbed with a shiv I’d fashioned myself.
‘It is real. Maybe it’s magic as well, but those aren’t mutually exclusive.’
I closed my eyes. I couldn’t look at him and say what came next.
‘Maybe we shouldn’t decide anything now. Maybe we… keep things open-ended. See what happens when we’re back in our actual lives. Text, talk, whatever feels natural. No big declarations. No promises.’
He stilled.
Not angry, but quiet. Like he was assessing the gap I was hammering between us.
Panic crawled up my spine.
Then he exhaled and pressed his forehead against mine.
‘Open-ended,’ he repeated. His lips brushed mine. ‘Alright. If that’s what you want, I’ll take it.’
‘It’s what’s sensible,’ I confirmed.
‘Sensible,’ he echoed. It sounded bitter in his mouth. After a long moment, he mustered a small, careful smile.
‘I suppose I can try sensible. For now.’
A tear slipped down my cheek before I even realised it had escaped.
I felt like I was making a mistake, but I needed some level of protection around me.
I feared that as soon as we weren’t holed up in the same building, any cracks would expand into gulfs, and I’d be the one who toppled in.
Henry could have any woman he wanted at the drop of a hat.
Henry caught my tear with his thumb.
‘But Amanda, just so you know… I’m not done obsessing over you.’
I didn’t know whether I wanted to be the woman he wanted or the woman he needed. But I didn’t believe that both were the same thing.