31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
‘ H ey,’ I said, rolling onto my stomach and propping myself up on my arms. Seb lay beside me, supporting his head in the crook of his elbow. ‘I think you need to send a thank you note to your sister.’
‘Huh?’
‘You need to thank her for this sheepskin rug. It was an excellent addition to your decor. So soft, so comfortable, so…’
Seb pulled me down on top of him, planting slow, light kisses on my bare skin. ‘It’s a relief that it’s finally seen some action. It was getting embarrassing, all cliche, no substance. Now I feel I’ve stepped into a cowboy romance.’
‘Or a Christmas movie. There’s often some sheepskin action in those.’
I flopped onto my back with a satisfied sigh. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so happy or content.
‘Coffee?’ asked Seb, propping himself up on his elbow and looking down at me. ‘You’re so beautiful, Liv.’
‘Thank you, but no thanks to coffee. I’ll never sleep tonight if I have caffeine this late. I don’t suppose you have any chamomile tea?’
‘Actually, I think I have some in a cupboard somewhere.’
‘I thought you would. You look the type.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ asked Seb, reaching down and tickling me.
‘Stop it, it was a compliment.’ I squirmed beneath him, batting his fingers away. ‘You look like a hippy, but a very sexy one.’
Seb jumped up, and I couldn’t help admiring his physique. All the work he did around the farm showed in his well-defined muscles, but there was nothing self-conscious or curated about his body. In many ways, there was also nothing exceptional. What made him so attractive to me was his complete ease in his own skin. His own body confidence was contagious. Only a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of exposing the lumps and bumps I’d acquired with motherhood in such a brazen way.
‘Wait there,’ said Seb, throwing me a blanket. ‘You think I look like a hippy? I’ve got something to show you which may surprise you.’
I pulled the blanket up around me. Seb disappeared into the bathroom, coming out wrapped in a fluffy navy dressing gown. He paused in the kitchen to flick on the kettle, then disappeared into his bedroom.
The roaring fire threw warmth across me and by the time Seb returned with two hot drinks and what looked like a photograph album, my eyelids were drooping and I was fighting off sleep.
‘What’s that?’
‘My past. One year of my past, to be exact. But it will tell you all you need to know about me. I should have shown you this before we… you know, but well, I don’t think it was my brain controlling my actions. If, after you’ve seen this, you don’t want to continue things, I’ll completely understand.’
I shuffled until I was leaning against the leg of an armchair. Seb sat down beside me, handing me my tea. He stared into the fire, his brow furrowed, chewing on his lip.
‘You don’t have to show me this now.’
Seb shook his head, as though coming out of a trance. ‘I do. I should’ve done it sooner. It can’t wait any longer.’ He laid his mug on the floor and picked up the photograph album. The protective paper crackled as Seb turned a page.
The first photograph he turned to was a family portrait. A smart woman with cropped blonde hair smiled into the camera, her hand resting on the back of a wheelchair. The man in the wheelchair sat unsmiling, as though the woman were doing the work of appearing happy for both of them. His legs were bent to one side, thinner than the rest of his body, and a pair of plaid slippers covered his feet. On his body, he wore a leather jacket, and I could see a tattoo poking out from the top of his shirt.
To the left of the wheelchair stood a pretty young woman. Her blonde hair hung just below her shoulders, her makeup free face impassive. She held her hands in front of her as though creating a barrier between herself and the source of her discomfort. Her legs were crossed at the ankle, and as I looked closer, I could see she was chewing her lip in much the same way Seb did.
‘Is that you?’ I pointed to a tall, broad, clean-shaven man.
‘Yes, if you can believe it.’
‘But you look so different.’
‘I know.’
Seb tried to turn the page, but I stopped him. In this photograph, he was neither the long-haired casual dresser I knew now, nor the floppy-haired emo-teen in baggy jeans and eyeliner I’d met at sixteen. The Seb staring out of the photograph wore what even to my un-trained eye looked like a designer suit. It was tight fitting; the fabric stretching across bulky arms and broad shoulders. His hair was cropped so close to his head it was almost a buzz cut.
‘Tell me about this version of Seb.’ I took Seb’s hand and squeezed it, bringing it to my lips and kissing his rough skin.
Seb sighed. ‘This version of Seb wasn’t someone you would’ve liked.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because not many people did, and I see the type of people you’re drawn to. The one thing they all have in common is kindness. This man,’ said Seb, jabbing a finger at the photograph, ‘was not a kind man. He was selfish, arrogant, and thought he knew better than everyone around him.’
‘What’s the deal with the suit?’
‘I worked in the city, in investment banking. After Dad had his accident, the atmosphere at home became toxic. He couldn’t get over what had happened to him, refused to accept it, blamed the world and his wife for an accident which, at the end of the day, had been caused by his own carelessness.’
‘While I was in sixth form, an investment banking firm came in to do a talk at school. They were running an apprenticeship scheme for kids from deprived areas like mine. Before Dad’s accident, I was on course for straight A’s. My grades had slipped after things at home took a nosedive, but the company agreed to give me an interview if I could turn things around.’
‘What did you do?’
‘Worked my arse off. I knew if I could score an apprenticeship with the company, it would be my ticket out of my shit life. So, I spent the next six months holed up in my room, studying. I lost several mates in the process, but I was so focused on my goals, I didn’t have time to bother with insignificant things like friendships.’
‘What happened? Did you get the grades?’
‘Yes, the highest set of A level results the school had seen in years. The teachers tried to persuade me to go to uni. It would have looked good for the school, but I was set on a different path.’
‘Did the company stay true to their word about the interview?’
‘Yes, but not immediately. I had to badger them until they’d see me. After plenty of what could be considered stalking, I went up to London for the assessment weekend and got the apprenticeship.’
‘That’s amazing.’
‘Yes, it was for a while. I jumped straight into the work hard, play hard lifestyle. I had a lot to prove. Most of the other apprentices had come from posh schools and backgrounds. The job was about so much more than playing with other people’s money. When it came to wooing potential clients, they had certain expectations. The schmoozing came naturally to most of the guys, but I was learning all these weird expectations from scratch.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like the colour of your shoes, for starters. I realised on my first day I was the only one in the office wearing brown brogues. I had to extend my overdraft to buy a new black pair. But I’m a quick learner when I have to be. I was soon moving up the ranks, pulling eighteen-hour days sometimes fuelled by drugs and booze.’
‘You got into drugs?’
‘In that company, cocaine was seen as no worse than coffee. Everyone was doing it. The hours would have been impossible otherwise. Uppers to keep you going, downers to help you get a few hours’ kip.’
‘You liked the lifestyle?’
‘I didn’t give myself time to think about it. There was no downtime. If I wasn’t at work, I was trying to transform myself into the perfect package in other ways, getting buff in the gym, being seen at all the right clubs and restaurants, driving the right car.’
‘How long did you stay at the company?’
‘Five years. I barely spoke to my family in that time. My entire focus was on making a success of my life. My poor sister and mum were left to deal with all my dad’s shit. I didn’t answer any of their calls, never went home to visit. The only reason I’m in that photo was because it was Mum’s fiftieth and I couldn’t get out of it. I turned up in my BMW, took them out to a fancy restaurant that made my mum uncomfortable, bought her a Tiffany necklace I knew she’d never wear. My game plan was to flash the cash and get out of there as quickly as I could. If someone had told me I’d be back living at home a month later, I’d have laughed in their face.’
‘You left your job?’
‘Ah, this is where things get messy. You’d better turn the page.’