26. Noise
NOISE
AUbrEY
I pull into Liam’s drive.
The lights are off, indicating no one is home. But his car is here, so I know he’s in there.
My leg shakes up and down. I’m nervous—of course I am.
But this is Liam. He knows everything about me. The good, the bad, the ugly. He loves me all the same. The truth of the past is the only thing separating us now…I know that no matter what, he’ll love me.
The same way I’ve always loved him.
The same way I always will.
And it’s damn well time that I tell him.
I crawl from my car and sprint to his front door. Without losing my adrenaline, I press the doorbell. I hear it chime inside.
I breathlessly wait.
One second.
Two.
Three.
Four.
A fucking lifetime.
I press it again. Then I take in a deep breath, using my free hand to pound on the door.
I stand there like a statue—the only indication I’m still alive is my pulse striking against my skin like lightning. But no one comes to the door.
Maybe I should try and call him?
Right. Good idea, Aubrey.
I nearly drop my phone from my sweaty palms, but I manage to hit his contact. It rings.
Only once.
Straight to voicemail.
Shit. Why isn’t he answering?
I pace back and forth on his porch, sinking to my knees, as I so easily lose hope. I cover my face with my hands as I sit in the frigid mid-winter temperatures, shivering uncontrollably.
Just when I think I can’t wait another moment, I find Liam running down the road, his hoodie pulled up against the cold, his back to me.
The same man who thought he’d never be able to run again.
And sure, I could wait for him here. But I don’t.
No, I go after him.
“LIAM!” I yell.
But he’s fast, sprinting further and further away from me, earphones likely blasting music, making it impossible for him to hear me.
My lungs burn as I sprint, the pregnancy test still clutched in my hand. It’s only now that I’m questioning why I brought it in the first place.
I’m closing in on him, which is crazy because I’m not a cardio girl, and I’m still fighting the nausea coiling inside me.
Liam still hasn’t noticed me, though. I keep running regardless; it’s my turn to chase after him anyway.
Liam finally looks over his shoulder before crossing the road, allowing him to see he’s not alone and that I’m desperately chasing after him—just seconds before I lose my footing and I fall forward. I fall hard to the ground, rolling in pain, clutching my back on the snow-covered road.
“What the hell, Aubrey?” Liam calls. His headphones must have fallen out because “Comeback Story” by Kings of Leon is now blasting from his phone’s speaker.
I’m still on the ground when I see him bend down to pick something up.
The test.
I swallow. I guess that is one way to do this.
He picks it up, looking at it intently.
“Why do you have a negative pregnancy test?” he asks slowly, walking over to me.
My chest is heaving. I try to tell myself it’s from the running—but I know it’s not.
It’s more than time I stop lying.
“I don’t want silence.” I breathlessly say, shaking my head, trying to find my feet. “I want laughter. I want noise.” I try to explain, heaving a deep sigh that sinks my shoulders. “You were my noise, Liam. The music I danced to. I sang too. And then you got so quiet.”
He looks away.
“And I couldn’t take it.” I blow my breath out. I can do this, I tell myself.
He looks down at the test, again, then back up. Liam’s eyes go soft.
I think he’s figured it out. But I want to say it.
I need to say it.
“We were gonna be parents, Liam. I was pregnant.” My lips curl inward as he takes a slow step toward me. “But…But I lost our baby. About a week before the overdose. That night I tried to wake you up—” I can’t read the expression on his face. And it’s killing me.
I blow out a shaky breath, hands trembling at my sides.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I kept you from grieving just because I was.
I’m sorry I kept the truth from you.” I swallow.
“I didn’t think you deserved to know. But you did.
I’m so sorry I didn’t see that. I’m sorry I didn’t see you—that you were still there.
Just muted, struggling in a way I know I might never understand. But I want to. If you’ll let me…”
His arms go limp at his sides, shoulders slumping like I’ve just removed a considerable weight from his shoulders.
I swallow, forcing the words out, “I won’t pretend that it didn’t hurt, having to do it alone. But—I forgive you. I’ve forgiven myself.” Strange sounds squeak out of me, breathlessly choking me as I try grasping for my composure.
Tears well up in his eyes as he questions, “A baby?”
I nod, the street lamps blurring from the tears beading in my eyes.
“Oh my God. Aubrey.” He says, tears running down his face. He doesn’t try to wipe them away, and I’m glad that he doesn’t. “How far—” he chokes.
“I was about seven weeks—it was early.”
He crosses the distance suddenly, grabbing me up tightly.
I swear I can feel his heart beating rapidly, like it’s flying out of his chest.
“I should have been there—I should have figured it out—”
I shake my head. No, I don’t want him to regret not recognizing it. We both made mistakes. But that’s life.
His face twists as his large hands cup my face, his stare settling into me, our looks fading into one another.
“Aubrey, please forgive me.” His chest heaves, his watery gaze unbearable. His sentences blur together. “Never again, I won’t leave you alone—never again.”
Then he pulls me firmly against his chest, rocking back and forth.
He chokes on a cry, eyes tinged red, making my own heart do little flips in my chest. Regardless, I feel like I can breathe for the first time. He frantically kisses my hair, pulling me into his chest. “I love you so much. God, I hope you know that.”
After a while, when I can finally form words over our sobs, I declare, “I love you, too. I never stopped.” His head lolls back, like he is finally able to breathe.
“Together, we’ll never have to face that quiet ever again.
Nothing that is broken is ever really beyond repair…
look at us. Right here—right now. Two broken people trying to put it back together. ”
He pulls me tighter as I add, “One day we can work on repairing what almost was.” I glance at the pregnancy test still in his fingers.
“But for now, I want to live in the noise. I want to relish in what we do have. Us.” My hands tremor at my sides.
But he picks them up, kissing each one softly, settling them.
“You asked me—that first night you stayed with me again. If this were heaven or hell.” His eyes find mine, tears making them sparkle like emeralds.
“It’s neither, Liam. This is life. This is living.
It’s beautiful and messy—and painful. But it’s real. It’s ours.”
He smiles, his teeth gleaming in the dark. Then he picks me up, my legs wrapping around him as he kisses me. The answer to a thousand questions.
“Aubrey,” he says as he pulls free of our kiss. I smile down at him, still clutching him close—not near ready to be free of him yet—ever.
“Yes,” I murmur, grinning.
“We were never broken—just human.”
I press another quick kiss to his lips as he drops me to my feet. We stay that way for a while, locked tight onto one another—neither willing to let go.
After a while, I say, “I do have one more thing I should probably tell you.”
His head jerks back, a slow smile spreading across his face, like whatever it is, no matter how big or small, we can overcome it.
“I have a wicked stomach bug.” I snort, knowing there is no way he’s not going to catch it.
Liam’s face twists as he looks at the discarded pregnancy test, his brain putting everything together. He shrugs, his head tossing back in laughter as he murmurs, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, “I’ve lived through worse.”
My chest tightens. He’s right. We both have.
My eyes go glassy as he leans in and presses a kiss to my lips.
And finally, I’m home.