Chapter 5 #2
“No, just sexually frustrated. I have a lot of pent-up energy,” she said plaintively.
“I don’t have a sexy hockey player at home.
” Besides, she hadn’t been allowed to work for the past six months.
She'd only been able to distract herself from her misery with exercise, intensive reading about cacti varieties and care, and writing her self-help book for the self-pitying.
“Well, you’ll find your dream man soon, I know it!” Maddie assured her. “Because we keep our promises! And you’re wonderful.”
All the pride and warmth in Maddie’s voice transferred to Rachel’s chest. God, it was so incredibly easy for Maddie to give compliments and mean them. She made her feel like a wonderful sister, not a lousy one. Even though the latter was actually more true.
“Let’s take a break, okay?” Breathing heavily, Maddie sank onto her mat and took the water bottle Lucy handed her.
Rachel did the same, enjoying the burn in her muscles for a few more seconds. Yes, many people called her crazy, but she loved the feeling of exhaustion after exercise. It meant she’d accomplished something, achieved something. She’d rarely had that feeling anywhere else in the last few months.
“So, Rachel, tell me why exactly you're here. I mean, back in Los Angeles, not doing yoga, because I’ll never understand that,” Lucy said. She sounded casual, but she’d sat up, pushed her sunglasses up on her head, and was studying her.
Rachel had expected as much. Maddie hadn’t asked why she’d moved, probably because she didn’t care.
The main thing was that she had Rachel back.
But Maddie also liked harmony. Lucy, on the other hand, wanted honesty and directness.
Rachel had always envied Lucy for not caring if people liked her, but rather if they respected her.
So Rachel would try to show her respect by being as honest as possible.
“I needed a change of scenery,” she stated somberly.
“My practice wasn’t doing well, and I felt like my friendships were superficial…
” Because all her friends had distanced themselves as soon as it came out why she was in danger of losing her license.
“…and I missed you. You and…Dad.” She cleared her throat and looked out at the ocean. “How’s he doing... Dad?”
She’d wanted to ask earlier, but hadn’t been ready for the long string of accusations that would follow.
It was better to get the matter out of the way now, though.
She wanted Lucy and Maddie to be open with her again, wanted them to be sisters again, inseparable like they used to be.
Maddie always claimed that their mother’s death had torn them apart, but that wasn’t true.
Even before the day her mother suddenly dropped dead, Rachel had stopped sharing everything with her and Lucy. Long before then.
That was exactly what she had wanted to change when the brain aneurysm burst in Betty James’s head, taking her father’s heart and mind with it.
Her dad hadn’t responded well to losing his wife.
He had let grief and despair win years ago and it was wearing on him and the rest of the family.
He had suffered from depression for almost five years.
Instead of trying to overcome it, he wore the illness like a silver shield and a badge of merit, as if all other widowers were deficient if they didn’t honor their deceased partners by dedicating the rest of their lives to grief.
Maddie and Lucy had taken care of him as best they could. They'd made sure the house didn’t fall into disrepair, that he ate enough and showered, but he still refused to go to a therapist. Rachel knew that her sisters expected her to persuade him to do so – to get him to finally help himself.
She was absolutely the wrong person for that, though.
“Dad’s okay,” Maddie said hesitantly, exchanging a nervous glance with Lucy. “He misses Mom. Like we all do.”
Rachel lowered her gaze.
“He’s been asking about you, you know.” Lucy said casually. “You haven’t seen him yet?”
Rachel looked away and dug her fingertips into the sand. “No. I’ve been so busy moving. The rest of my things are arriving tomorrow, and then I need to get settled in, get a little more comfortable with Match Me!” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either.
You have to tell them. Maya’s voice forced its way into Rachel’s mind for the dozenth time, but…she was so afraid of hurting her sisters, of disappointing them.
Shit.
“He’s doing better,” Lucy continued when Rachel had nothing more to say in her defense.
“He sometimes comes with us to the Hawks games. He even went shopping alone the other day. But…” She took a deep breath, seemingly steeling herself for a fight Rachel didn’t want at all.
“We could use some help – you realize that, right? You’re the trained therapist. If anyone can get him to break his vicious cycle, you can. ”
“After you’ve settled in, of course,” Maddie added hastily.
Lucy looked at her with pursed lips. “Maddie…”
“She just moved here, Lucy, don’t overwhelm her right now, or…”
She broke off.
“Or what? She’ll leave again?” Lucy asked sharply. She wasn’t big on sparing people's feelings.
Maddie bit her lip. “It’s obvious something’s wrong with her, okay?” she whispered heatedly. “Something happened in Chicago. I’m not naive or stupid, Lucy. I’m tactful!”
“You’re too tactful!” Lucy snapped.
“You can never be too tactful…”
“Hey,” Rachel said loudly, straightening her back. She hated this conversation. “Stop it, okay? I don’t want to argue.”
“Well, it’s not always about what you want, Rachel,” Lucy explained dryly.
“Even though it may have seemed that way to you your entire life because you were Mom’s Perfect Rachel.
” There was a bitter tone in her voice, but her gaze was still warm.
She didn’t want to hurt anyone, just get an explanation.
“But Dad’s been asking about you. He's wondering why his oldest daughter has been here for almost a week, but hasn’t returned any of his calls. ”
“I want to get a few things sorted out before I deal with Dad, okay?” Rachel replied tensely, trying to channel her old self, the one who had always been levelheaded and calm. But it was so incredibly difficult right now.
“What kind of things?” Lucy shot back.
Rachel swallowed. “I’ll tell you later, not now.”
“Why not?”
Her eyes burned. “Because I can’t yet.” What if Maddie and Lucy didn’t believe her? What if they turned their backs on her like the rest of her friends had?
“God, Rachel,” Lucy said, frustrated. “You were the perfect daughter — and then Mom died, and you decided it wasn’t worth being perfect for us anymore?
You were only perfect for Mom because you were her favorite daughter.
Because she took you to work and went out for ice cream or to the movies with you, while she left us with Dad.
Because you were the oldest and already oh-so-mature, smart, and popular. ”
She gritted her teeth. “I was not her favorite daughter, Lucy,” she snapped at her sister heatedly. Loudly. Enough was enough. “I was her damn best friend. And daughters shouldn’t be best friends. Sometimes, we should just be daughters!”
Because the responsibility was too damn big.
Lucy stared at her in shock. “You got…loud. Since when do you get loud?” she asked, perplexed.
Rachel rubbed her forehead. Shit. Yeah, since when?
Maddie looked at her wide-eyed, almost a little scared.
But she just wanted to know, “What’s that supposed to mean?
'Sometimes, we should just be daughters'?” Her voice was gentle, and there was compassion in her gaze.
It was a plea so loud, yet silent. She wanted to hear a reason why it was okay that Rachel had let them down these past few years.
Nevertheless, no matter how many reasons she had, none justified her not returning much sooner.
Shit. Not now. She was too upset to do this now.
“I’m sorry. I know I’m not telling you what you want to hear, but I needed a little break, okay? That’s all. A little break from responsibility and…”
“It’s okay,” Maddie said quickly. “We didn’t mean to pick a fight. Right, Lucy?” She glared at her youngest sister.
“Uh-huh, sure,” she replied tensely.
Maddie rolled her eyes. “Sorry, Rachel. Obviously, it would be nice if you helped with Dad, but…”
“I will help,” she mumbled, rubbing her face. “I’m sorry, Lucy, okay? I’m sorry, Maddie. I’ve said it before: I’m the oldest, I should have taken on the responsibility after Mom died, but…” She trailed off. God, how could she explain it without destroying what was already on shaky ground?
“Her death hit you harder than it hit us,” Maddie whispered, squeezing her arm. “We know that. You were the ultimate mama’s girl. You had a special relationship. You needed space from us because we reminded you too much of her, right?”
She swallowed. “You could say that.” Again, it wasn’t the whole truth.
“I never wanted a break from you. I missed you. That’s why I’m here.
It was difficult for me. I had the practice and my own grief.
” She felt the guilt. “You can be angry with me, and you can yell at me. No matter what you do, I won’t leave,” she promised quietly, looking them straight in the eye. “I’m here to stay.”
And she hoped she wasn’t lying.