Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Sometimes it’s okay to succumb to chaos.
From the self-help book for self-pitiers by psychologist Rachel James
I believe this is the first time we agree on something. - Connor
My self-control is limited.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she walked along the promenade past Match Me! Only the moon and two lonely lampposts lit the way.
She wished Connor wouldn't say things like that. He should know what he was doing to her body.
She should have left with Maddie. She should have found an excuse and disappeared into her bed right after the quiz. But…
She hadn’t seen him in so long, and she’d wanted to take advantage of the moments when she could look at him openly, without pretending it was a coincidence. She could pretend she hadn’t been looking for him.
She’d been serious about needing less chaos in her life, at least until that damn lawsuit was out of the way and she could be honest with her siblings. The bet had been a stupid mistake. Nothing but a distraction.
Still, she felt her life was even messier now than before.
It was as if the few hours a day when she’d met with Connor, thinking only of him and not her life, had become a constant that she now missed.
Yes, he made her angry. All the time. But at least in his presence, it was easy for her to be honest and breathe.
At least she was allowed to be angry with him.
At least he didn’t look at her like she was a different person when she was mean or raised her voice.
No, the bastard laughed at it! He understood her without knowing her.
Or maybe he really did know her.
The corners of her mouth twitched as she rummaged through her purse for her keys.
Alec was nice. He looked a lot like his brother, which automatically made him hot.
The thing was…Rachel didn’t know if she wanted to go out with Alec.
Yes, he was a good catch, intelligent and funny.
His cupcakes were a godsend, and men with skilled hands were always a blessing.
But there hadn’t been a spark between them.
And he was Connor’s brother. She didn’t owe Connor anything, but going out with Alec…would feel like a betrayal.
Maddie had been thrilled when Alec signed up for Match Me! before asking, her eyes shining, “It’s a great opportunity. What’s wrong with that?”
And her sister was right. Nothing she could say aloud would change it. Admitting I had spectacular sex with his brother, on your desk, Maddie, might raise some awkward questions.
Besides, her sister thought she hated Connor. Which, of course, was true! Well, hate was a strong word, and what Rachel felt…wasn’t hate. It felt very different than hate.
She closed her eyes as she prepared to open the door to the multi-story building that was now her home.
But she didn’t have to bother. Someone had forgotten to close it properly again.
Sunshine Pier was far too trusting for this town.
She’d taken over Maddie’s apartment, which was mere steps from the dating agency and under the same roof.
Taking the stairs seemed even more strenuous today than usual, maybe because her heart was so heavy.
She’d decided she needed space, but had forgotten she was making bad decisions. God, she…
“Hey.”
She flinched and stared at the stairs to her apartment with her lips parted. Connor was sitting on the last step, staring at her, his wrists crossed over his drawn-up knees.
“Connor,” she gasped, startled, her heart rate quickening. “What are you doing here?”
For a few seconds, he wordlessly stared at her. His gaze wandered over the hem of her light blue dress before drifting up her torso until she wondered if the fabric was see-through, and then it reached her face.
“I don’t want you to go out with my brother,” he said quietly.
“What?”
“I don’t want you to go out with him.”
She swallowed and climbed a step. “You said…”
“I know what I said,” he interrupted, standing.
“I’m taking it back.” His jaw muscle worked as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and middle finger.
“I hate the thought of you getting involved with him,” he said, his voice more like a growl.
“I don’t want distance, Rachel. I don’t want friendship or professional distance.
I don’t want you thanking me for leaving you alone.
Like it was bad when I didn’t. Because, fuck, it wasn’t.
Even when we were yelling at each other, it never felt… bad.”
Without looking at him, she bit her lip as she pushed past him toward the landing outside her door. She knew what he meant. And it unnerved her. “I asked you, Connor,” she said tensely. “You said you didn’t give a shit who I dated. You can’t suddenly change your mind now.”
“Why not?” he asked quietly. “You also believed that you hated me, yet you changed your mind.”
She paused. The key was in the lock, but she dropped her hand again and turned to him.
He was standing too close. His feet bumped hers. She had to tilt her head back to look at him. He smelled of sea and man, a single temptation that made her breathing shallow and her skin tingle. But it wasn’t fair of him to change the rules.
“How do you know I’ve changed my mind?” she whispered.
“Because the heat in your eyes every time you look at me is no longer anger,” he murmured, gently running his fingers under the slipped spaghetti strap of her dress, pushing it back into place even though he felt like pulling it down.
He paused with his fingers longer than necessary, until heat gathered on her skin.
“Oftentimes, it’s still anger, Connor,” she said tensely.
He nodded. “But it's a different kind of anger.”
“How do you know? You're pretending to know me again and…”
“I do know you, Rachel,” he murmured earnestly.
His gaze was on her face, but all she could focus on was his hand slowly sliding down her bare arm.
“I think I knew you the first time I saw you. Because we’re so ridiculously similar.
It took me a while to really figure you out, but…
Everything about you makes sense to me now.
And nothing about what I feel makes sense to me. ”
“And that’s my fault, right?” she said defiantly, wanting to take a step back, but her skin clung to his touch, and there was nothing but wall at her back.
“No. Rachel…” He sighed and closed his eyes. “I don’t want to argue.”
“Then what do you want?”
“To stop fighting it. Being angry at you is so incredibly exhausting.”
Her eyes widened in disbelief. “Angry? If you don’t want to argue, Connor, then stop talking bullshit! You…”
“…because I can’t keep my hands off you,” he interrupted quietly, running his hand behind her neck.
“Because the highlight of my day was when my arm grazed your back. Because you so obviously hate apologizing, and yet you apologized to me anyway. Even though you believe you’re right.
I’m angry at you because I still wanted and still want you to be angry.
Because you won’t stop forcing your way into my mind and contradicting me, even though you know I’ve already agreed with you.
Because you wanted to spare my feelings by not going out with my brother.
Because I hated every second you spent with my brother.
Because I’m so damn jealous, it's ridiculous.”
Rachel’s eyes stung as she looked up at him.
His thumb stroked the back of her neck, and her body broke out in goosebumps.
She was tired of fighting it too. Even if Connor was an idiot!
“I wasn’t trying to protect your feelings by not dating your brother, you idiot,” she whispered heatedly, placing her fists on his chest. “I don’t want to date Alec!
He may look like you, but he’s not you, and…
damn, why aren’t you kissing me yet?” Her voice sounded more desperate than intended, yet he remained standing there, staring at her.
“It’s your turn,” he murmured, smiling a little.
“I’ve always made the first move. I bet it’s because you’re a bit scared.
I bet you’re waiting for me to confess that every date I’ve been on so far has been more fun with you there.
And that I think the concept of distancing is flawed, not to mention shitty, if all it does is get you to date my idiot brother. I bet…”
“Stop it,” she interrupted softly, even as a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “Stop making bets you will only lose, Connor.”
“I…”
She didn’t let him finish. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him, wrapped her arms around his neck, let herself sink against his broad chest, and he caught her.
Their lips met. It felt so familiar now.
So damn right. And Connor didn’t need to be asked twice.
He returned the kiss, ruffled her hair, and tilted his head to deepen it.
Gentler than in her office or at Galette.
Tenderly so that a sweet tug began in her chest. She wanted to feel his bare skin beneath her fingertips, so she tugged at his shirt and slid underneath…
“You really should stop tucking in your shirt. It just gets in the way.”
His laugh vibrated against her lips, and his stomach automatically tensed beneath her fingers.
God, she was lost! His body was abnormal. “A guy who sits behind a desk so much shouldn’t have so many muscles.”
“I exercise when I’m angry or upset about something.”
Yes, that explained everything. “Then you should actually be even more muscular,” she whispered, gasping as he pushed the straps of her dress and bra down her shoulders simultaneously, kissing and biting the exposed areas.
The heat between her legs grew unbearable.
She wanted him so damn badly, but they were still in the hallway. They should probably…
“Do you want to come in?” she asked breathlessly.
“I thought you’d never ask.”