19. Thomas #2
Around midnight I hit the plan I'd been holding since the fury: burn it all down in daylight.
"We take this to Gault. The lawyer. He's got standing, he's got the trust, he's two subpoenas from the county line already.
We write it down, all of it, names and nouns, and the ordinary world does what the ordinary world does. "
"Watch," Adrian said.
He took paper from the desk, and a pen, and wrote across the top, in that even upright hand: For the attention of Mr. Gault, of Gault the price is taken from the teller.
That was one proper noun, prepaid. A page of particulars addressed to your lawyer would take my sanity or my craft, whichever the Curacy finds first, and it would take them before the ink dried. "
"Then how are you telling me?"
"Because you are not an outsider," he said. "You have not been an outsider since twenty-two minutes past one this morning. The binding registered you as it closed. That door was also opened without asking you. I am aware there is a theme."
* * *
So then the thing itself. The thing in my chest.
A binding: soul lashed to soul, his palm, his keeping, eleven words.
Forbidden, because a bound pair makes power the society can't meter, and what it can't meter it can't own.
Permanent, as far as the doctrine of six centuries knows.
And here is the sentence he made me sit all the way inside before he'd move on: undoing it kills us both.
Not risks. Kills. The binding is now load-bearing in two men; pull it, and both roofs come down.
There's a ruling coming from their Circle, six chairs somewhere above the county, about what the society does with a bound pair it never authorized.
He requested it himself, at three in the morning, over his own name.
"So the options are," I said, "bound to you for life, or dead alongside you slightly ahead of schedule."
"Yes."
"Worst personnel review ever conducted at this college."
"I have chaired worse," he said, and the bond handed me the whole other layer of it, the thin dry flicker underneath, and I pointed at him with the full authority of a man in a borrowed bed. "You're joking. In there. I can hear it."
"I am rendering an account," he said gravely, and the flicker didn't even pause.
This is the thing nobody warns you about.
The most controlled man in New England is fully audible now, all the time, and he is funnier inside than he has ever once permitted himself out loud, and I get to live in the audience for the rest of my natural life, which may be short.
He gave me the rest of the map somewhere in there, over tea gone cold, because I asked for the walls as well as the cellar.
I finally drank mine in the middle of it, tannin gone bitter and stone-cold, and it was the best thing I'd tasted all year, because fourteen hours earlier nobody had been sure I'd be tasting anything again.
The visiting fellow, history of institutions, the woman who reads a dining hall like a stock list: Eleanor Wren.
Inspector, sent down by the office in consequence of Micah Vane, and her mandate is one sentence long.
One more irregularity, and the station closes.
I asked what closing means for a college, and he told me in the voice he does the accounting in: the college is burned as an institution, and every memory of the hidden layer on this ground is taken out level.
Students. Staff. The officer first. "I have watched it administered," he said.
"The man keeps his gown and his signature, and thanks the people who tidied him.
What Thursday was, in her books, is the irregularity to end the word.
The reason we are drinking cold tea instead of being erased is that a bound pair is rare enough to make the office curious, and curiosity has a clock in it, and I have not yet seen its face. "
"The lamp," I said, because the map was out and I wanted every road on it. "Third floor of a building with no third floor, 12:20 a.m., walking pace. I watched it twice and that building took an hour off me. Yours?"
"No. The office's. The account below has its housekeeping, and the office sends its own hands to walk the sealed range at night.
I do not schedule it. I log it as authorized because I have been instructed to.
" He said it in the voice of a man handing over a key that has never once fit his own door, and I moved the lamp from the anomaly list to the map, and did not feel better about either list.
And the thing my grid always bottomed out on, the date at the end of every column: the winter rite.
Last night of term. Carols, candles, the Provost's annual bad Latin, every soul in the college in one room, a ceremony older than the college's own name.
The interval reaches the bottom of its column in rite week.
He said that part evenly, both hands still on his knees, and the bond under the evenness was a corridor with the lights going out one by one, and for a while after it neither of us said anything at all.
That was also the hour I had to sit with the third thing, the one I'd been not-writing since I woke.
Fine. For the record, because the record is all I have: I can feel what he keeps under the guilt.
The wanting. Filed, dated, rationed, and enormous, a want the size of the college with my name on it in his handwriting, and it does not switch off because its owner is ashamed of the timing, and mine does not switch off either, and he can hear mine exactly as well as I can hear his.
Deniability didn't die last night. It was disintegrated, both directions, in front of witnesses.
"I'm not staying in your bed," I said, somewhere near two, already knowing what my chest was broadcasting.
"Say it aloud as often as you wish, Dr. Mercer," he said. "I can hear the other thing."
* * *
One more, and then the list, because there was one more.
"The words," I said. "On the slab. There were eleven. I counted them going through me and I couldn't keep one. What did you say?"
He looked at the fire for a while. It was the only question all night he asked anyone's permission to answer, and the person he asked was himself.
"I have you," he said. "I will hold you. I will keep you."
Plain as a hinge. Eleven words, and I felt them try to slide again, the same silk trick, and this time I had a pen.
I got them onto paper before they finished being sound, in my own bad hand in his beautiful ruled notebook, because they're mine now too, whatever else they are, and nothing gets to take them twice.
"They're not a spell," I said, when I could.
"No. The working takes whatever words are meant past retrieval. Those were what I had."
What do you do with that. Seriously. I'd spent a term building a wall out of a vow, and the man had eleven words in his pocket the whole time, and they were construction equipment.
He fell asleep near three, upright in the chair he'd apparently never sat in before last night, guilt finally idling, the want banked down to pilot light, and I sat in the window of the Headmaster's Lodge with the frost of a dead student's name still ferned across the glass, and I did the only thing I have ever done.
New page. Clean numbers. Everything starts over, because everything did.
Item one: magic is real.
Item two: I'm bound to my boss.
Item three: I need this job.
Item four: the vow is dead and I don't know what killed it first, the ritual or the man.