Chapter 12
The reins were no longer in her hands.
Theda didn't remember giving them up. One moment she had them, her fingers locked around the leather, her arms trembling from the effort of holding the horses steady, then Phineas was beside her. His voice, low and calm, was trying to get through to her.
Don’t look at the water.
She didn't listen to her own advice. Even staring at the horses' backs, she could feel the water around the wagon wheels.
The current tugged at them, making the wagon shift beneath her. Sounds came at her from every direction. Men shouting. Oxen bellowing. The Crenshaw children were crying. A woman calling out over the rush of the river.
You're fine. It's shallow here.
She’d told herself that before.
The thought made her stomach twist. Panic, the water closing over her head, images filled her head.
Theda pressed her hand against the wagon seat.
No. That was years ago.
She closed her eyes, her mind pulling her back to memories from four years ago she tried so hard to forget.
Theda heard Nick's boots on the porch before he knocked. Two quick taps, then a third. She set down her mending and crossed the sitting room.
"Just a moment!" she called.
She paused at the small mirror beside the door long enough to tuck a loose pin back into place. Grabbing her shawl from the hook, she wrapped it around her shoulders and pulled the door open.
Nick stood at the top of the steps with his hat in his hands, a wide grin on his face.
His light blond hair fell in soft curls over his forehead, his blue eyes sparkling with excitement.
"You're early." She smiled, her cheeks heating as her heart pounded in her chest. She may have known Nick for the last five years, but there had only been something romantic going on for the last few months.
"Punctual." He offered his arm. "There's a difference."
Theda laughed. She glanced back into the front room. Her father was pulling on his jacket. He moved slower than he used to. Ever since her mother died, it seemed as though something inside him never recovered.
"Pa, I'm heading out."
He looked up and smiled. "Have a good time, sweetheart."
"Where are you going?" She tried to sound casual, though she already suspected the answer.
“To run a few errands.” Her father didn’t meet her gaze.
Theda's smile faded slightly. She knew better. The saloon.
She'd argued with him about it more times than she could count, and it had never changed anything. She wasn’t the only one. Phineas brought it up every time he was home. For a moment, neither of them spoke.
Then she forced a smile back onto her face.
"We won't be too late. If you need anything, Phineas should be home in a couple of hours."
Her father nodded.
She pulled the door shut behind her and slipped her arm through Nick's. Her father was an adult, and Phineas had urged her more than once to let him manage his life, even if he was doing it badly. They were all hurting from their mother’s death. They were all dealing with it in different ways.
They started down the road, and before they had gone very far, Nick glanced over at her.
"So," he said, "are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or are you planning to spend the whole walk staring at fence posts?"
Theda sighed.
"I'm worried about Pa."
Nick nodded. Theda appreciated that he didn't press her when she wasn't ready to talk.
“I’m sorry.” There was nothing more impactful he could say. He understood as well as she did that there was no changing her father if he didn't want that change.
"Where are we going?" she asked finally, eager to get her mind off things for as long as possible before having to return home and face it all again.
A grin spread across his face. He held up the basket hanging from his other arm.
"Down to the river. I packed us a picnic."
Theda raised an eyebrow.
"You planned a picnic?"
"I have my moments. I may not have cooked or really packed anything, but I did pass by the diner in town and get it packed for us. I've also chosen a perfect spot to eat it, right on the river's edge."
She laughed and stepped closer to him, enjoying the moment of closeness.
The afternoon was warm and pleasant after days of rain.
They talked as they walked, chatting about neighbors, town gossip, and whatever else came to mind.
Nick asked about the Morrisons' new baby, and Theda asked if he had made any progress speaking with his uncle about the parcel of land east of town.
"Maybe," he said.
"That's not an answer." Theda tried to calm her racing heart. Nick hadn’t officially asked for her hand in marriage, but he’d alluded to it, and she’d practically said she would agree. They had been talking about land and a home for the two of them for a while.
"It's the only one I've got." Nick had that mischievous grin on his face again, as if he had something up his sleeve, and she didn’t doubt he did.
Theda shook her head, smiling.
Before long, the sound of rushing water reached her ears.
The river came into view through the trees.
Sunlight shimmered across the surface while long shadows stretched over the bank.
Nick led her over to the edge until she could practically reach out and touch the surface, then he spread a blanket across a patch of grass and began unpacking the basket.
Theda looked out at the water. The current was moving quickly. Even from shore, she could see the water swirling around the larger rocks.
"It's running fast,” she told him.
Nick glanced up.
"It rained last night." As she said it, Theda felt the familiar caution flare through her whenever she was near a river.
She wanted to swim, to feel what it was to be one with the water but had never had the opportunity.
The uncertainty and knowing how dangerous it would be to swim without that knowledge, nearly paralyzed her.
"I know." Nick set down the basket and started pulling off his boots. “But it’s not so bad that we can’t take a little swim. The weather is perfect for it.”
Theda frowned.
He’s not serious.
"Nick."
"It'll be fine." He stood and began rolling up his sleeves. " He looked over at her. "Come on. We’ll just get in on the edge, just to cool off."
Theda shook her head. "I can't. I don't know how to swim. You know that.”
He didn't seem worried; instead, his smile only grew, showing the little dimples in his cheeks that made her heart flutter.
"I'm a strong swimmer," he said. "You know that."
“That doesn’t mean something bad can’t happen.” She frowned.
"It means I won't let anything happen to you." He held out his hand. “Trust me, Theda. I’d never let you down.”
Theda looked at his outstretched hand. The river made her nervous.
But she trusted Nick. Slowly, she slipped her hand into his. His smile widened. He lifted her hand and pressed a kiss against her knuckles. Warmth spread through her fingers and up her arm.
"I'll teach you," he said. "In no time, you'll be swimming better than half the town."
Theda laughed. "I doubt that." Even so, she found herself smiling as she bent down and began unlacing her boots.
"Theda." She heard her name. "Theda." Phineas’ hand rested on her arm. "We're across."
She blinked. The wagon had stopped. The wheels were still. The horses stood with their heads lowered, their sides rising and falling heavily after the crossing. Theda looked down at her hands. They were shaking.
"Hey." Phineas stepped up onto the wagon beside her. "Look at me."
She lifted her head.
"There you are," he said quietly. "You all right?"
Theda opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Her throat constricted, and her eyes burned. She wiped at her face and realized her cheeks were wet. She was crying.
Before Phineas could say anything else, she climbed down from the wagon. Her legs nearly buckled when her feet hit the ground.
Jem, the children…
She caught herself against the wheel. Then she saw him.
Jem sat near the bank, mud still streaked across his shirt. One of the men was crouched beside him.
"Theda!" Mrs. Crenshaw hurried past her with Edmund in her arms and Nora clinging tightly to her side. Theda kept going toward Jem.
"Jem."
She stopped in front of him as he stood up. Confusion swirled in his eyes. Droplets of water from the river still clung to his cheeks and dripped down his chin.
"Are you all right?" Her voice shook. She stopped just short of him, leaving less than a foot of space between them.
Jem met her gaze , and he looked exhausted, but his eyes were bright.
"I'm fine." He frowned, then reached out, his hand barely touching her shoulder. "Theda. How about you?"
She nodded. Or at least she tried to. "I thought..." Her voice caught. "I thought I was going to watch you drown. You, Nora, and Edmund."
"Hey." His hand tightened slightly on her shoulder. "We're all right."
She wanted to ignore the unease rushing through her, the panic roaring in her head, but it seemed to take over every bit of her, controlling her.
"I couldn't see you." Her words were barely above a whisper. Something shifted in Jem's eyes.
“Theda…it’s okay.”
She shook her head, but no more words came.
How can I explain?
"Theda." Leland appeared beside her. He looked between her and Jem, but she couldn't bring herself to take her eyes off Jem until Leland’s arm settled around her shoulders. She stiffened but let him tug her away. She wanted to explain to Jem how hard it was for her. But what could she really say? She’d never really talked about what happened four years ago with anyone, even Phineas.
"Come on," Leland said gently. "Let's get you away from the river."
Theda looked back at Jem as she let Leland lead her away. She was too tired to argue with him. She was trying to think of something to say, some excuse, when Della intervened.
"Come here, sweetheart." Della slipped an arm around Theda and looked at Leland. "I've got her."
Theda felt Leland hesitate before he handed her over to Della. As Della led her toward her wagon, Theda was also aware of everyone watching her.
All of the families who had already crossed the river stood around, whispering, watching her, talking about her.
She swallowed hard. She worked so hard to put on a strong face, to make herself impenetrable and unmovable by anything.
To be exposed in such a vulnerable light in front of anyone, it shook her.
People glanced their way as they passed. Mrs. Morley said something kind, though Theda didn't quite catch the words.
She knew how she must look. Red-eyed. Shaking. Unable to stop staring at a man she nearly watched disappear beneath the river. She glanced back again.
Phineas had joined Jem near the bank. The two men were talking quietly. Jem looked up. Their eyes met across the distance. Theda quickly looked away.
The same fear she never thought she'd have to face again was right there, haunting her. All she could do was be grateful to God that it hadn't had the same outcome.