Chapter 31 #2
“As well as I can be.” She met his eyes. Her voice came out steadier than she expected, then wavered on the next words. “Should I call you Josiah? Or Jem?”
He was quiet for a moment.
“I've only ever been true when I was Jem,” he swallowed visibly.
“Everything I was with you, everything I was with Phineas and the others, that was real.” His jaw tightened.
“I wanted to tell you myself. I kept trying to find the right moment, and then I kept deciding that keeping you safe mattered more than the right moment.”
Her eyes filled. She blinked hard.
“Don't,” she said. “Don't do this. Don't agree to what he's asking. I heard what he wants. If you do that…” Her voice dropped.
“Phineas will come. You know he will. And if something happens to him because of what you agreed to tonight, I…” She stopped.
Drew in a breath. “I would rather something happened to me, Jem. I mean that. I would rather die than watch you become someone who hurts the people I love.”
“That's not a choice I'm willing to give you.” Jem avoided her gaze for a moment, then he came back to her, so much pain and sorrow wrapped in his expression.
She knew he was being truthful, that he would follow through with every single thing Ransom had asked for if he believed there was a chance she would be kept safe as a result.
“It's not yours to make.” Theda put everything she could into those words, as she imagined Phineas walking into a trap, trying to save her.
“Theda.” His voice was low and rough. “If letting everyone suffer, including myself, is what keeps you safe, I'll do it. Every time. Without thinking twice.”
She shook her head. “That's not faith. That's just fear with a different name. I believe in God, Jem. I know he can help me, help us, if it’s his will. If you do this, what he’s asking, it will break you as a person, Jem. That’s what Ransom wants.”
He looked at her, his eyes full of emotion, barely bridled.
Theda’s heart skipped a beat.
Am I getting through?
“There has to be another way.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“I don't know what it is. I can't see it from here. But I have to believe God can help you do the right thing without hurting anyone.” She held his gaze.
“You have to believe that, too. What you found on that wagon train, sitting with Reverend Jessup, listening to Phineas, all of it. That was real. I know it was. I saw it happen.”
He didn't answer.
“You can't trade all of that for me,” she said. “I'm not worth that trade.”
“You are.” His commitment made her chest swell with feelings she had no idea what to do with, but she had to push those emotions away.
“Jem.” She leaned forward as far as the rope allowed.
“Stand up for it. Whatever it costs.” Her voice broke on the last word, and she steadied it.
“I believe in you. I've believed in you since before I had any reason to.
Don't make me wrong about that. Stand up for what you want without sacrificing who you are.”
Across the camp, Ransom's voice rose and fell.
Jem looked at her for a long moment. His hand came up and rested briefly against her face, his thumb brushing her cheekbone. She leaned into his touch, savoring it for a moment, the feeling of safety, of having him there with her. Would she ever feel it again?
“I…love you, Theda. You’ll get through this,” he whispered, before he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
Tears leaked from Theda’s eyes as Jem’s forehead rested briefly against hers.
“If it's only to keep you safe, that's enough for me.” He pulled back.
“But if there is another way, I'll find it. I promise you that.”
She nodded. She didn't trust her voice.
“Hey.”
Zachary. She heard his boots on the ground before she saw him step between them, his back to her, dismissing Jem.
“Nobody said you could talk to the prisoner. Get back to the fire.”
She watched Jem pick up the canteen from the ground and hand it to Zachary without a word. One step back. Then another. He didn't look at her again. She watched him find a place near the smaller fire and sit down, elbows on his knees, face to the flames.
She let out a slow breath.
The camp settled into its nighttime sounds around her. Low voices. The pop of the fires. Horses shifting on their lines somewhere in the dark. Zachary resumed his post, pulling his coat tighter and looking at everything except her.
She tilted her head back against the tree.
She'd meant what she said to Jem. She'd meant every word of it, and she still did, sitting there alone with her wrists bound, the cold working through her clothes. But meaning something and not being afraid of it were different things.
She watched Jem across the camp.
He was still. She'd said what she had to say. The rest was his.
Ransom came back into view in the camp clearing. He’d been gone for less than half an hour, but it felt like so much more.
Ransom dropped onto a log across from Jem and looked at him. She couldn't hear the question he asked.
She watched Jem's mouth move.
Whatever he said, Ransom shot to his feet and waved his men over.
Tolliver and Zachary appeared before he'd finished speaking. She watched them pull Jem to his feet. Then watched Zachary work the rope around his wrists while Jem stood without resisting, his face empty, eyes down.
Her chest tightened.
Ransom said something to Zachary. The guard straightened. Tolliver put Jem down somewhere to her left, far enough that she couldn't see him anymore.
She turned her face back to the sky.
She pressed her lips together and did the only thing left she could do.
She prayed.
Please. Just get us home.