The Heart of the Matter

Chapter Nine

Andrew nodded and took another sip of his soup. Marsha glanced around her, wondering if anyone else could hear their conversation. She didn’t want anyone to hear such a personal story. But they were two booths away from another couple, and no one else was in that part of the restaurant, so she felt safe.

“I felt so guilty afterward, I just couldn’t hide it from my wife. After a time, I finally confessed to having cheated on her,” Andrew said. “She was angry, of course, but she was also hurt. Devastated. I could see it in her eyes. She didn’t rant and rave at me, she just walked away. I moved into the guest room and she didn’t speak to me for weeks. But she hadn’t kicked me out, so I felt I had a chance to make it up to her.”

“Did your children notice the tension in the house?” Marsha asked.

“My daughter was sixteen, and at that age, they are more into themselves, so she never questioned why I was in the guest room. My son was nineteen and in college. He had his own apartment near the school and only came home on weekends to do laundry and get a home-cooked meal.”

“What happened?” Marsha asked.

“I tried talking to Irene, but she said she didn’t want to hear what I had to say,” Andrew said. “She told me there was no excuse. And she was right. I had no excuse because I had a loving wife at home.” He shook his head. “Men are babies, really. We act like we’re in charge and can handle everything that comes our way, but when we don’t get all the attention we think we deserve, we stray. Personally, I couldn’t rationalize why I had done it. I had no excuse. So we lived for months, barely speaking, going through the motions.”

“I couldn’t have done that,” Marsha said. “I would have rather fought it out and get it out in the open then have that silence between us.”

Andrew nodded. “I think that would have been easier. But then, when one argues, sometimes they get carried away and say things they shouldn’t. So, finally, I came home one Friday night and asked Irene to pack a bag. I told her I wanted to go up north with her, find a nice hotel, and settle things once and for all. She hesitated, then finally agreed. We drove for a few hours, and that’s when we saw the little billboard for this inn. We checked in, spent the night, then took a walk on the beach below the next day. It was there that she finally broke down and started yelling at me, telling me how disappointed she was and how much I’d hurt her. I think she felt safe yelling over the crashing waves so no one would hear us.”

“Wow. That doesn’t sound like a good first time here,” Marsha said.

Andrew chuckled. “But it was. I finally knew how she felt and what I’d done to her. I preferred her yelling at me over the silent treatment. I let her yell until she was tired of it, then we came back up the stairs, sat on that very same bench in the garden, and had a long talk.”

“Ah, I see now why you like that bench so much,” Marsha said, smiling. “How did you get her to agree to stay with you?”

“I told her the truth. That I was stupid and inconsiderate and that I only loved her. I’ve always only loved her. And I begged her to forgive me. I promised her that I’d do everything possible to make her happy every day for the rest of her life. And that I’d try to never disappoint her again.”

“And it worked?” Marsha asked.

“Not right away,” Andrew said. “I gave Irene time to figure out if she believed me and still wanted to stay with me. I owed her that much.”

“But she did come around,” Marsha said. “She must have if you two spent every anniversary here after that.”

He nodded. “She did. And I did my best to never give her a reason to distrust me again. I loved her that much. I would have done anything for us to stay together.”

Marsha set down her fork, her salad nearly finished. “That’s a lovely ending, but I don’t have the luxury of forgiving or forgetting what my husband did to me. He kept it all a secret, then died and left me to pick up his mess.”

“You said you were married for twenty years,” Andrew said. “Were they good years or bad years?”

“Good years,” Marsha said without hesitation. “But how do I forgive someone who lied to me for ten years, had another family on the side, and spent a large chunk of money that I didn’t know about?”

“I agree. That would be hard,” Andrew said. “I asked my wife once how she was able to forgive me and move on. She said it wasn’t easy, but after a time, she said she got down to the heart of the matter. She said she looked back at all the good times we’d had and how happy we’d been, and to her, that was what mattered the most. We’d had so much love and happiness in the past, and she didn’t want to throw everything away because of one mistake.”

“Your wife was a good person,” Marsha said. “I don’t know if I have it in me to forgive and forget.”

“I think we all have it in us. It just takes time.” Andrew told her.

Andrew insisted on paying their bill, and Marsha thanked him.

“It’s the least I could do since you had to listen to me ramble on all evening,” he said, chuckling.

“I didn’t mind at all,” Marsha said. “I’m glad you and your wife were able to get past your indiscretion. Maybe, someday, I might be able to look back and forgive Craig for what he did.”

“I hope you can,” Andrew said as they walked into the inn’s lobby. “Otherwise, the anger will eat you up, and you’re too nice of a woman to let that happen.”

“Thank you.” They parted ways, with Marsha heading up the stairs and Andrew walking to his first-floor room.

All evening, Marsha thought about Andrew and his wife. It was hard not to. For him to trust her—a complete stranger—with his story was remarkable. But what had he said? He’d seen a look in her eyes that reminded him of how devastated his own wife had been. Marsha hadn’t realized she’d looked as sad as she’d felt, but he’d seen it. Maybe they were meant to talk to each other. Maybe she was meant to stop at this very inn to work out her problems.

Or maybe it was all a coincidence.

The phrase that kept rolling around in her head was the heart of the matter . She remembered that phrase from an old Don Henley song from the early ‘90s. The song continues by saying that, in the end, it’s about forgiveness. If she were being honest with herself, the heart of the matter was that she and Craig had been happy. They’d shared wonderful, memorable times together. But she’d have to get past the mess he left her before she could just remember the good times.

It would take a saint to do that, and she knew she wasn’t a saint.

***

Early the next morning, Marsha awoke on the day that would have been her twentieth wedding anniversary. She lay in bed awhile, thinking how different this day would have been had Craig not died. They would be on the Caribbean cruise right now, and he probably would have given her something amazing, like a diamond bracelet or diamond earrings. They would have eaten a delicious meal in the main dining room on board and danced the evening away under the stars.

Instead, she was alone in every sense of the word. Alone at the inn, alone in her life, alone, period.

She grabbed her phone, which had been turned off for two days, and turned it on. There were several messages from Kristi again. Marsha sighed. She knew her friend was scared to death that she’d give up on life and jump off a cliff or something. But Kristi should know her better than that. Marsha was heartbroken over everything that had happened, but she was too strong of a woman to end it all.

Marsha gave in and called Kristi.

“I was afraid you’d never call me back,” Kristi said. “I was so worried about you.”

“I appreciate your worrying about me, hon, but I had already told you I needed some time away. I’m still fine.”

“I’m sorry,” Kristi said. “It’s just today’s your anniversary, and I was afraid you’d be upset. I just wanted to check on you.”

“I promise you that I’m fine. I’ve been walking on the beach and getting a lot of sleep. I really needed this after everything that’s happened,” Marsha said. “Please don’t worry about me.”

“Okay. But can you check in with me at least every few days?” Kristi asked. “Just so I won’t go insane with worry.”

Marsha chuckled. “I will. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll stay here, but I’ll text you when I head home. How is the shop doing?”

“It’s fine,” Kristi said. “And guess what? I sold Marco’s sculpture. Our phone calls brought in clients and a gentleman who is a friend of one of our regular clients came in to see it. He bought it on the spot as a gift for his wife. They lost their house in the fires this year, and he wanted to surprise her.”

“That’s wonderful,” Marsha said. Marsha was dealing with a lot, but she couldn’t even imagine what the people who’d lost their homes to the fire had been going through. And it was a process that would last for years for some of them. “Keep it up! I’ll be home soon to help, okay?”

“Okay. Please keep in touch.”

“I will. And Kristi? Thank you for understanding. I really needed this time.”

“You’re welcome. You know I’m here for you,” Kristi said.

As Marsha hung up, she realized she still had one blessing in her life—her best friend. And if she made herself stop and make a list, she knew that she had many things in her life that were good. She just needed to let go of the bad.

Finally, Marsha got out of bed and showered. She once again thought about Andrew’s story and how his wife had let go of her anger and given him a second chance. How had she done that? Did she just sweep the bad memories under the rug and keep the good ones out for all to see?

Once she was dressed, Marsha opened her small jewelry case to take out a pair of earrings to wear. Staring back at her was the heart necklace, twinkling in the light. Gingerly, Marsha lifted it from the box and studied it. She’d loved this necklace. She’d worn it every day for the past five years. But in that one instant, when she’d seen the same necklace on that woman, her beloved gift had become something she despised. The necklace now stood for everything that was wrong with her marriage and her life. Without thinking, she stuffed it into her jeans pocket, then headed downstairs to eat breakfast.

Joanna came by Marsha’s table when she was almost finished eating.

“Will you be checking out this morning or staying a few more days?” she asked.

Marsha thought for a moment. She wasn’t ready to go back to reality and wanted to stay a little longer. “I’ll definitely stay one more night, then decide if I’ll stay longer.”

“Great,” Joanna said. “Stay as long as you’d like.” She went off to refill more coffee cups.

Marsha glanced at the guests who were eating breakfast. She didn’t see Andrew this morning. Maybe he had eaten earlier and gone to his bench to reflect.

After breakfast, she walked through the garden as she’d done every day, noting that Andrew wasn’t sitting in the garden. She headed down the stairs to the beach and walked along the shoreline. If she could, she’d do this every day for the rest of her life. True, she lived close enough to several beaches where she could walk in the mornings, but she preferred this one. There were no crowds, no kids surfing the waves, no distractions. She could just walk and think uninterrupted.

Finally, she turned and headed back up the stairs. Once she was at the top of the cliff, she walked to the railing and stared at the ocean view. She continued to think about what Andrew had said. Maybe letting go was easier if she got rid of the things that reminded her of Craig. She’d packed up his clothing, but that hadn’t made her feel better. Maybe it was about personal items. Things that no longer brought her joy but instead reminded her of her loss.

Things like the heart necklace.

Marsha pulled the necklace out of her pocket and raised it up to the light. It twirled on the chain, sparkling in the sun. It was a beautiful necklace, but it didn’t bring her joy. Looking at it brought her heartache.

If she tossed it away, would she feel better?

Closing her hand tightly around the necklace, Marsha stared out at the ocean again. She pictured throwing the necklace as far out into the blue water as she could. It would come back with the waves and crash against the rocks below, crushing it. She’d no longer have to look at it and be reminded that her husband, her beloved husband, had given this necklace to her and his mistress.

Raising her hand and pulling it back into the air, she did what she thought she had to do. She swung her arm forward, but instead of opening her fist and letting the necklace fly, she clamped it tighter. Tears filled her eyes. How could she let go of her anger if she couldn’t even let go of this one reminder of his cheating?

Feeling defeated, Marsha walked back toward the inn, the necklace still held tightly in her fist. She saw Andrew sitting on the bench, and he waved.

“Happy Anniversary,” he called out as she drew close.

“Happy Anniversary to you, too,” she said. “Mind if I sit?”

“Of course.”

Marsha sat down and sighed. “I’m afraid the whole letting go thing will never work for me,” she told him. “I thought if I let go of the thing that reminded me of the worst thing Craig did, it would free me of the memory. But I couldn’t do it.” She opened her hand to show him the necklace.

“It’s beautiful,” Andrew said. “Why would you want to get rid of it?”

“Because my husband gave this to me on our fifteenth wedding anniversary, and I cherished it. Then, I saw it on that woman—the woman he’d had the affair with, Amanda. He’d given her the exact same necklace.”

“I’m so sorry,” Andrew said. “That had to have been shocking. It seems you have far more to forgive your husband for than Irene had to forgive me for.”

“So how do I do it?” Marsha asked. “How do I let go of my anger? How do I move on and not become a bitter old woman?”

“My dear,” Andrew said gently. “It won’t happen overnight. It could take months, even years. You have to give yourself some time.”

Marsha sighed.

Time was something she didn’t have.