37. Adele
Adele
Happily ever after. What a concept. Childish? Sure. Na?ve? Definitely. But it didn’t change how much I wanted it and how, for the first time in my life, it was a real possibility.
Sure, my happily ever after didn’t resemble the picture I’d envisioned when I was a kid. And, as I’d been doing since birth, I’d gone off script. I’d never been one to follow my family’s playbook anyway.
Finn rolled over and pulled me close, nuzzling my hair and spreading his hand protectively across my stomach. Soaking in the warmth of his touch, I closed my eyes. This was real. It was happening.
I couldn’t ignore it, especially when he was kissing my still flat belly and talking to the baby.
“We love you so much,” he murmured into my skin.
“You and your big sister Merry are the best things to ever happen to me. I can’t wait to meet you.
” He said some variation of the same thing every morning, despite my explaining that the baby’s hearing hadn’t even developed yet.
He was undeterred and so adorable. “And,” he continued, “I can’t wait to fly with you. Show you the sky.”
This should feel uncomfortable. Too much intimacy. Too much commitment. But it felt right. I was going to be a mom, and I was in love with Finn. Easy. Simple.
But the fear and the panic still woke me every night. The bone-chilling concern that this little family we were building could be in danger was robbing me of all the joy I should feel.
Over and over, my brothers had assured me that the danger had passed. That the men responsible for all the pain our family had been through were locked up. That things would be fine. But it didn’t feel that way.
I had to deal with this shit once and for all. I was a mom now. According to the app I had downloaded on my phone, the baby was the size of a blueberry, but everything had already changed for me. I wouldn’t give up until I could ensure my family’s safety.
Could I really shift and change on a cellular level? That remained to be seen. But I wouldn’t bring a child into a world of danger and uncertainty if I could help it. Nope. I was going to finish this.
It was only seven, but I needed backup and a sounding board.
“Pregnant?”
Parker reached out and steadied herself on the doorframe.
“No one can know yet,” I said, holding out a hand and gesturing for her to sit.
“How did this happen?” she asked, dropping to a chair at my kitchen table. Her eyes were wide and her mouth was ajar.
I shot her a glare.
“Okay. That was a silly question.” She licked her lips. “Is it Finn’s?”
“Yes,” I hissed. “And keep your voice down. He’s asleep upstairs.”
She wrung her hands in her lap and assessed me. “You’re together? For how long?” There was an edge to her questions that I did not appreciate.
Now I was annoyed. “Yes. We’re together and in love.” Fisting my hands at my sides, I tried to rein in my annoyance, though I was mostly unsuccessful. “Can you please watch your tone when you speak about the father of my child?”
“It’s just—”
“Just nothing. I’m asking you, as my best friend, to support me right now.”
She stood and padded over to me, her arms open wide. “I’m sorry. I do support you. It’s only that I love you so much and I worry about you.” And then she was crying on my shoulder. Parker was not a crier.
“Fucking pregnancy hormones,” she cursed. “I’m a mess.”
Then I was hugging her in return, and my own tears were falling.
Parker released me and stepped back. “Jesus, we’re a disgrace.”
“I know,” I said, laughing and wiping a tear from my cheek.
“But Adele, we get to do this together. Our kids will be cousins and best friends.” She grinned up at me. “I assume I’m here to strategize about the family?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I need your help with something else.”
I poured two mugs of tea and brought them to the table.
She studied me while I got situated in the chair beside her, taking my time to compose myself. I’d spent all night thinking and analyzing. I couldn’t live my life looking over my shoulder. If I was finally getting my happily ever after, there’d be no lingering doubt, no remaining peril.
“Tell me everything you know about Henri’s accident.”
She blinked at me and sat back. “We can’t go through this again, Adele. Especially now. We have more pressing things going on. Like, for example, informing your family that you’re gestating Satan’s baby. When do you plan to tell them?”
“When I feel like it,” I snapped back. “And your comments aren’t helping. I’m already dreading the shitty reactions I’m guaranteed to get from my brothers. I don’t need yours too.”
She held her hands up in surrender. “You’re right. How did he take the news?”
“God, he’s perfect,” I said, swallowing back a fresh round of tears. “Supportive and loving and thrilled about the baby.” My eyes blurred with tears despite my best efforts. So much for maintaining my composure. “He’s perfect. Susan Stephens even thinks so.”
“What? Susan Stephens? The chef lady on TV?”
I waved a hand. I’d forgotten that I hadn’t told Parker about any of that. “It’s just…” I sniffled. “I don’t know if I’m ready for all of this. To be with him publicly. To make that commitment and to start a family. This baby will be a permanent bond between us, and I’m terrified.”
“You don’t want him forever?” she asked gently, stroking my hair.
“I think I might.” My sniffles turned into full-blown sobs, and I buried my face in my hands.
I wasn’t scared about impending motherhood.
I would learn as much as I could and give this child all the love it would ever need.
That was guaranteed. But spending my life with Finn?
Being bonded to him by this child, even if things didn’t work out?
That fear had settled in my bones. The sadness, the heartbreak that would come if we couldn’t make this work.
The fear that my family would never accept him.
For Finn, this baby was a fresh start, physical evidence of our love.
But my happiness was tinged with guilt. Because I’d be grappling with what Mitch Hebert had done for the rest of my life.
Could I move on someday? Could I give Finn everything he’d need from me?
Could we build our own little family together?
I desperately wanted all of those things. But first, I had to get unstuck. I had to break through the fear and the paranoia that had been holding me back for almost three years.
“I need to know there is no more danger. I need to know what really happened.” I tucked my chin to my chest and studied the tabletop.
“And I need to forgive myself and finally stop carrying around all this guilt. We’ve got two Gagnon babies growing inside us right now.
We can’t pass all the fear and trauma on to the next generation. ”
Parker sat beside me with her mug to her lips, first surveying the dining space, then me, as if considering my words. Her eyes were steely, like she felt the same way. She and Paz had been kidnapped and held at gunpoint last year. If anyone was concerned that danger still lurked nearby, it was her.
After a long moment, she nodded.
“So we’re doing this?” I asked. “Figuring this out and ending it all?”
“Yes. But we tell no one.” She scooted forward in her chair.
“Paz would shit a brick. And I want to state for the record that law enforcement is investigating this, as well as the other crimes. We have no reason to believe you or any member of your family is in danger. The Canadian drug traffickers are lying low, and there has been no recent movement.”
Parker trusted the feds even less than I did, and while I appreciated her concern for me, I needed answers.
“What aren’t we telling anyone about?”
I jumped in my seat and whipped around at the interruption.
Finn was standing in the doorway wearing nothing but a pair of mesh shorts.
His face was creased with sleep lines and his hair was down.
I smiled at the sight of him. I couldn’t help it.
He was so damn handsome, and I loved having him here in my house.
It had been a place of solitude for a long time, but he brought life to it.
Parker’s eyes bulged out of her head. “We were talking about how you knocked up my best friend.” Her tone was icy.
His returning smile was filled with nothing but warmth. “I know. Isn’t it amazing?” He nodded. “Congrats to you too, by the way. The town is buzzing about your happy news.”
Parker put her hand on her flat stomach and glared at him. “If you hurt her…”
Finn waved his hands and shuffled toward the coffee maker. “Yeah, yeah, you’ll kill me, blah, blah, blah. That lecture is wasted on me.” He snagged a mug from the cupboard and filled it. “I’m head over heels in love with this one and our baby. She’s not getting rid of me anytime soon.”
He carried his mug over to the table and dropped a kiss to the top of my head.
“And since we’re plotting together, how about I make you pregnant ladies some breakfast?”
Without waiting for a response, he wandered to the fridge. He whistled while he pulled out eggs and bread and got to work.
Parker leaned forward, looking only mildly annoyed. “It’s very hard to hate him when he’s feeding us and looks like that.”
I nodded. “Yup. I tried to hate him. I tried so hard. But he’s awesome.”
“I can see that.” Parker nodded. “I’ve got your back when it’s time to tell your family.
Paz will lose a testicle if he does anything but fully support you.
And I’ll take care of the others too if their wives don’t get to them first.” She patted my hand.
“These babies are going to be born into so much love.”
We sipped our tea and watched as my man worked his magic in the kitchen. When he was finished, Finn presented our plates with a flourish. Scrambled eggs with spinach and wheat toast.
“Thank you,” Parker said, mouth already full of eggs. “But I’m probably going to need a blueberry pie after this.”