Lila
Irolled my shoulders, giving myself a pep talk in the car. This was necessary.
Growth.
Maturity.
Fuck, I didn’t want to do this.
But there was no going back now.
I’d texted him this morning after Owen left to go to work, and he’d agreed to meet.
Stomach in knots, I knocked on the door and gripped the latte from the Caffeinated Moose, a peace offering, a little tighter.
It took several minutes, but finally, he opened the door.
Cole looked like a stranger standing in the doorway of the small home in his sweats, his medium-brown hair grown out and hanging over his forehead.
He’d lost so much weight that his T-shirt hung on his frame. Just the sight had my caretaking instincts kicking in, but I pushed them away.
Silently, he stood back and motioned for me to come in.
“Is Debbie here?” I asked, keeping my tone light. Her home was lovely, meticulously clean, and very cozy, with photos of all six boys arranged in an artfully framed collage above the fireplace.
“She’s at work. Have a seat.”
“Brought you something,” I said, handing him the latte.
He took it, and for the first time, smiled. Immediately, he took a sip, just like I knew he would. Cole loved a sweet coffee drink. “That’s good.”
“The new place. You’ve gotta go. The coffee is great and the people who own it are lovely. Everything’s local. Exactly the kind of spot we need up here.”
He made a noncommittal noise and took another sip. I rarely saw him around town. He’d been going to physical therapy for his hip injury, but outside of that, did he just spend all his time here?
I surveyed him from head to toe. He’d changed so much. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Low energy, maybe? Or was he just defeated?
Cole had always had a big personality. Not loud, but commanding. He was so tall and broad, with a cocky self-confidence that hockey players always possessed in abundance. It made it hard to not be transfixed by him.
But the guy sitting across from me on the paisley couch with the dark circles under his eyes bore no resemblance to the ambitious, impulsive boy I’d fallen for almost a decade ago.
“Why are you here, Lila?”
I shifted as nerves prickled along my skin. It was time. I needed to be honest and up-front.
“I wanted to talk to you about a few things.”
“You gonna blame me for ruining our relationship? Tell me all the things I did wrong?”
The way his eyes narrowed reminded me of how cruel he could be sometimes.
I had no intention of provoking him today.
I had come here to tell him about Owen. Calmly and compassionately.
Not because I required his approval, but because I wanted him to hear it from me rather than through the rumor mill.
After eight years together, he deserved to process this information on his own time.
“No. I don’t blame you for anything. I wanted to share my good news. I got into graduate school.” I sat a little straighter and pressed my hands to my knees. “Several actually.”
“Good for you.”
He didn’t sound particularly happy, but I wouldn’t let him get to me.
“Thank you. I’ve worked hard for this,” I said. “I’m moving on. I got help to sort through my shit. I had to let go of my old dreams and embrace who I’ve grown into.”
“No shit.” He planted his elbows on his knees. “You gave up on our dreams a long time ago.”
I gritted my teeth. This was supposed to be a friendly visit.
But his combativeness had anger welling up inside me and was bringing back so much of the hurt I’d left behind.
At the way he’d ignored me and minimized my feelings.
In the time since we’d broken up, I’d believed that one day we could be friends, but that fantasy was fading away quickly.
“Don’t go there, Cole. We didn’t have dreams together. You had dreams, and I was just there, hoping someday you’d wake up and support me the way I’d been supporting you.”
He launched to his feet and paced the living room. “You know how much pressure I was under!”
I stayed seated. I’d seen this reaction too many times to count.
“Every minute of my life was about one thing. Going pro. Getting the big contract. I’m sorry you felt neglected,” he said the word as if it was preposterous, “but I couldn’t lose focus.”
I shook my head. It was all the same old bullshit. “Oh, right,” I said sarcastically. “I forgot. Drinking and partying all night at strip clubs helped your focus.”
“Fuck off.” He tugged at his hair. “I was blowing off steam, and I never cheated on you.”
“None of this matters anymore,” I said as years of pent-up frustration simmered in my bloodstream. “We’re done. We’ve been done for a year and a half.”
“Don’t lie to yourself, Lila. You were done with me way before that.”
Maybe he was right. Who the hell knew anymore? And as much as it pained me not to jump in and defend myself, I wasn’t here to play the blame game. I’d moved on, and I’d worked hard to distance myself from the toxicity of the relationship we once had.
“I came here to make peace. To tell you I’ve moved on and am working on myself.”
“Moved on?” He scoffed, crossing his arms. “With who?”
I squeezed my eyes shut, reining in my annoyance. I could get up, leave this house, and never look back. But growth was uncomfortable and sometimes painful. If I had any hope of settling into a real, adult relationship with Owen, then I had to push past this discomfort.
“I’m dating Owen,” I said, keeping my head held high.
“The fuck you are.” Cole whipped around, his face a mask of fury. “Owen is a pretentious asshole. And you work at the diner, for fuck’s sake.”
I balled my fists. I wasn’t sure which part of that statement made me want to punch him more. The part where he called Owen an asshole or the part where he looked down on me because I worked as a waitress.
It took me a moment and a few deep breaths to realize that his goal here was to provoke a response.
“I don’t owe you any explanation. We’re dating. It’s new, and so far, we’ve kept it to ourselves. I wanted to tell you first, out of respect for the years we shared.” With that, I stood and smoothed out my shirt, ready to get the hell out of here.
“He’s using you,” he said, putting his hands behind his head and reclining on the couch like he didn’t have a care in the world. “You’re just a piece of ass to him.”
It would be so easy to punch him in his smug face right now.
Instead, I took the high road. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your shit together.”
His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in response.
I’d never spoken to him like that. But he needed to hear this. “I’m going to say this once,” I continued. “You are not okay. There are a lot of people, me included, who care about you and are willing to help you get better.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“Maybe you don’t, but I’m offering it anyway. And I’m not the only one. You have so many gifts to share with the world.”
He regarded me with a frown before he sank lower into the couch.
“You’re wrong,” he said softly. “I’m nothing.
I was good at one thing, hockey, but I fucked that up.
Now I’m almost thirty and have no degree, no skills, and I’m sleeping in Debbie’s guest room because my actual mother wants nothing to do with me.
“I’ve been working with my brothers a little, but the company’s being sold, so it’s not like I could even be a part of the family business someday.
What the hell am I going to do?” He slid his hand down his face.
“And how the hell can I even figure that out when I’ve got probation and hundreds of hours of community service to deal with? ”
My first instinct was to rail at him and remind him that he’d dug this hole for himself. Instead, I remained silent. I’d been in a similar position before, feeling scared and reactive and worried that there was nothing more out there for me.
He didn’t continue, so I headed toward the door, aware that this conversation was going nowhere. “Sorry I bothered you,” I said. “I’ll be here to help when you’re ready. But until then, stop lashing out and acting like an entitled asshole.”
He grunted. “Easy for you to say.”
“Yes.” I turned and raised a brow. “Shockingly, it is easy for me to refrain from getting drunk and high and committing petty crimes, then verbally abusing the people who care about me.” I was both shocked and a little proud of myself for my retort.
Usually, I placated him and kept my true thoughts to myself.
But he needed to hear the truth as much as I needed to speak it.
“Spare me the sarcasm.” He waved a dismissive hand. “I have to go. Gus summoned me to the woods. Maybe I’ll get hit by a falling log and be put out of my misery.”
Ignoring him, I walked to the front door. With my hand on the knob, I gave him one last look, taking in his slumped posture and the defeat in his expression. Then I opened the door.
“Goodbye, Cole.”
I headed straight to the office to start tackling the pre-closing to-do list Sara had emailed in the middle of the night. That woman was hardcore.
I was stewing and frustrated and all bent out of shape when I arrived. For a few minutes, I sat in my van, breathing deeply to calm my nerves. I had no interest in encountering anyone here while I was this fired up.
Just as I pushed my door open, a Hebert Timber truck parked beside me.
“Lila.” Owen jumped out of the cab and jogged to me. “I’m so happy to see you.”
I blinked, still out of sorts. “You’re already back?”
“Yeah. We’ve got a lot to get done here. Gus is getting everything organized, and then we’ll head out for a couple of days to get things moving.” He pulled me in for a hug and kissed the top of my head. “I hated leaving you all peaceful and asleep this morning.”
I closed my eyes and took a moment to absorb his warmth and affection. Owen gave the best hugs. He used his whole body and didn’t hesitate to squeeze when necessary. The simple act alone was the reset my nervous system needed.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Things are busy.”