Owen
Life at lumber camp was a lot harder than I expected. And busier. We were up loading trucks at four a.m., and Gus never stopped moving. If he wasn’t jumping in and out of machinery, then he was taking phone calls and directing people like an air traffic controller on speed.
As a kid, I did everything I could to avoid coming out here. By the time I was old enough to be helpful, I’d resented my father so much that I didn’t want anything to do with his business.
Now, I was getting the ass-kicking of a lifetime.
Gus and Jude had assembled a small crew, including Cole and me. Adele’s due date was in three days, so Finn had stayed home.
The ragtag crew included our remaining Hebert employees, a few guys who worked for other companies but had offered to help, and Mike, who had retired a few years ago but had jumped at the chance to get back out there.
Day one was overwhelming, but we found our groove.
In my business, the only lumber I dealt with was what had been delivered to construction sites, and even then, it was mostly the paperwork and budgeting that went along with purchasing.
Watching muddy trees being dragged out of the woods, knowing that they would go on to their next life as the frame of some family’s home, was mind-blowing.
I slept in the bunk room with the other guys, huddled up in a sleeping bag Gus had lent me. He had a small cabin on the property since he was the boss, but he chose to bunk with us too.
The trip felt a little like a strange version of summer camp, and despite my reservations, I found myself having fun.
Everyone gave each other endless shit, and I marveled at the rapport Gus and Jude had with the other guys. Gus was mostly grumpy and Jude was always quiet, but seeing them here, in their comfort zone, was incredible.
Especially Jude. He seemed to know what everyone needed and had us rolling with laughter.
“You gonna tell us about that girl, Jude?” Gus called across the kitchen. “You’re busting Chris’s balls for proposing to Erica on their second date, but I saw you on stage. You never looked away from her.”
Jude’s face turned pink, and he focused on his paper plate of mac ’n’ cheese. This was news. He was so secretive and reclusive, I’d assumed that he was celibate. Not that it was any of my business.
“And Finn said he followed her around the bar between sets,” Cole added. He elbowed Corey out of the way and sat next to Jude. “Must be one special girl. This guy never takes anyone home.”
Instead of responding, Jude got up from the table, threw his plate away, and grabbed his guitar case. Ignoring us, he started to tune, and soon the guys were making requests, and the topic had been forgotten.
While the rest of the guys played cards, I helped Mike with the dishes. I was already exhausted and knew we were in for a long day tomorrow, but spirits were high and, for the first time, I felt confident that we could really get things wrapped up and the company sold.
It was strange to realize that leaving didn’t seem as attractive as it once did. I was growing attached to Lovewell, and to my brothers, who I felt like I was still getting to know. And then there was Lila. Another person I’d be leaving.
I was helping Mike dry dishes when Cole tapped on my shoulder.
His hands were in his pockets and he was staring at his boots.
He seemed so different out here. He was wearing beaten-up Carhartts, a hoodie, and his medium-brown hair was overgrown and in his eyes.
I was used to seeing him in a suit after hockey games or dressed in head-to-toe Under Armour.
Like my dad, he’d always been vain about his appearance. This was jarring.
“Can we talk when you’re done?” he asked.
I nodded, drying the pot Mike had handed me, and then followed him out the back door.
He’d been strangely quiet since we’d arrived. Did everything that was asked of him, but barely spoke. Not that I was complaining. It was just out of character. But he’d shown up and was willing to pitch in, and that in itself was a surprise. So I’d hear him out.
We walked a few paces from the building, marveling at the sky above. This was darkness. True darkness. No artificial light for miles, and the stars looked almost close enough to touch.
“I wished I knew what they all were,” he said, still marveling at the sky up above. “I never cared a lot about school. Always assumed I was smart. But these days, I’m realizing more and more that the universe of stuff I don’t know is vast.”
“There’s still plenty of time,” I offered. “You’re young. As soon as we get the sale wrapped up, you’ll have some money, then you can do anything.”
He shook his head. “Probably not. I’m not like you. I’ve got nothing to offer. If I went to school, I’d just fuck it up.”
We stood for a few moments in silence, contemplating the sky. It was chilly, cold enough to see my breath, but I felt strangely comfortable out here.
“I need to apologize,” he said. “For so many things.”
I crossed my arms, nodding for him to go on.
“I’m not going to make excuses or try to explain myself because there is no excuse for all the shit I’ve pulled.”
“Good.”
“And not that you care, but I’m going to therapy now. Debbie is kicking my ass, and I’m owning my shit and working to fix it.”
“I do care. You’re my brother.”
“Half brother. I know you all hate me. It’s because of me your parents got divorced.”
“Stop,” I said. “No one blames you. That was Dad. And my mom was way better off without him anyway.” I could feel the guilt rising in my chest. I hadn’t always been the most welcoming to Cole, mainly because of my own jealousy about my father’s attention as well as our nine-year age difference.
He’d grown up with the twins, and I always assumed that, after thirty years, we’d let all this shit go. Apparently not.
“Your birth was a wonderful thing to come out of our father’s terrible behavior. And you’re a huge pain in the ass, but you’re one of us.”
He nodded and kept staring at the stars. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke again.
“I know you think you had it hard because Dad ignored you. But it was no picnic being his favorite either. The constant pressure, the put-downs, the need to be the hockey star son who made him look good.”
I hadn’t really considered that. I’d always just assumed Cole was a privileged brat my dad threw money and attention at because he was a talented athlete.
He kicked at the gravel. “I had no one. I was alone with him. My mom didn’t care, and all he did was scream at me, tell me what a loser I was, and push me to train harder.
“He used to wake me up at five and make me shoot a thousand pucks before going to school. And I did it. I did it to please him and make him proud. And it wasn’t like I was good at anything else.”
I put my hand on his shoulder, the guilt of being older and wiser and missing all of this weighing on me. “You’re a lot more than hockey, Cole.”
He shrugged my hand away. “Easy for you to say. You’ve got degrees and a whole life you’ve built for yourself. I had hockey, but I wasn’t good enough. Couldn’t handle the pressure, keep my mind focused, train instead of party. Nope, I fucked it up good.” He sniffled.
Dammit, he was crying. God, now I felt even worse. I’d been so hard on him, and I’d said and thought such unkind things.
“I drove Lila away in the process. But that’s the only good thing to come out of this. Because now she’s gonna go to school and live in the city and have the life she always wanted.”
I put my arm around his shoulders, which was difficult, as he was a lot taller than me.
“We’re all fucked up,” I told him. “Dad did a number on us. But we’re all we’ve got.
I don’t hate you, and I don’t want you to hate me.
You’ve fucked up, but things can be fixed, and I’m your brother. I’m here to help you.”
We stood there, facing the forest, as he cried. And I let him. I couldn’t fix the past, and neither could he, but standing there in the cold, I realized that I didn’t have to keep living in the past. I didn’t have to carry all this anger around with me anymore. I could make my peace and let it go.
“Anyway.” He wiped his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. “Lila came to me and told me about you two. I was really shitty to her.”
Another spark of anger flared up inside me, but I smothered it.
“We were never right for each other. We were just kids trying to figure ourselves out. I was a terrible partner.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “Seeing her face when she talked about you, though? I could tell that you’re good for her.”
That was incredibly generous of him. I was furious that he’d been such an ass to Lila, but whatever she said must have stuck with him, because I’d never seen him so contrite and accountable.
“But.” He turned and glared at me, drawing up to his full height. “Just because we’re over doesn’t mean I won’t step in if you hurt her.”
“I would never hurt her,” I snapped. But could I even make that promise? She’d been so upset with me when I offered to pay for school. And I’d brushed her concerns off instead of validating her. Cole wasn’t the only one who needed to do better.
“She deserves good things, Owen. I’m trusting you to do right by her.”
I gave him a solemn nod. “I will. I swear.”
We stood for a few more minutes before the cold started to get to me. I elbowed him. “Let’s go to bed. Gus will have us up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.”
By five, I was already guzzling my second cup of coffee. Gus appeared and clapped me on the back, bright-eyed, like he lived for this shit.
And I supposed he did. This was Gus in his element, at his best.
Out here, he was a natural leader and strategist. He commanded a lot of respect. I’d had to leave Lovewell to figure out who I was. Gus only had to come out to the woods.
More and more, I hoped that, when this was over, we could stay close. Despite how close in age we were, it felt as though I was just beginning to get to know him.
“We’re doing this.” His smile was so broad I could see his teeth through his thick beard. A rare occurrence. “If we stay on schedule, we’ll get it done.”
With a hum of agreement, I surveyed the guys. Cole was checking the numbers and fuel, while Mike, the driver, secured the load Jude had packed with the crane. It was like a symphony of lumberjacks, everyone doing their jobs in harmony.
“I’m proud of you,” Gus said.
My chest tightened at the compliment. “Me? I’m just a bystander.”
“No, you’re not. We got so much done yesterday because of you. Someone needs to check the lists and yell out the directions. You’re a natural.”
I shook my head. My goal was to stay out of the way and make sure the work got done.
“I had my doubts about you, city boy. But you’ve surprised the shit out of me. Since you got here, you’ve worked damn hard. I know you hate this place, but you’ve done right by us. I’ll always be grateful to you for coming back when we needed you.”
I pressed my lips together to keep from teasing him. In all my life, I didn’t think my older brother had ever spoken that many words to me at once.
“Thank you,” I said with a small nod. “And for the record, you are fucking phenomenal at your job. I’m sorry Dad kept you out of leadership for so long.”
He shrugged. “I’ve made my peace with it. I just want our guys taken care of.” With a small cough, he clapped his hands and shifted back into work mode. “Good talk. Now get your ass to work so we can celebrate at the Moose tomorrow night. I’m buying.”
The hours passed quickly, each of us taking our shifts and breaks. We were moving through the orders, and yesterday’s trucks had returned, ready to be reloaded.
I was on the loading platform, level with the truck bed, counting the trees as they were loaded, making sure they were the right sizes, and radioing Jude, who was operating the boom log loader, when weight or balance needed to be adjusted.
Cole was on the ground, signaling to Jude with safety flags about how to place the trees in the truck bed. His height and long arms lent themselves perfectly to the job.
We’d found a good rhythm, and Cole seemed different after our heart-to-heart the night before. It was such a cliché, but being out here in the wilderness was good for all of us. I was connecting with my brothers in ways I’d never expected, and we were even having some fun.
Cole had a long way to go, but at least he was getting help.
Maybe it was Lila’s influence, or maybe it was the camaraderie we were developing out here, but I felt some sympathy for him. He’d lost his entire identity almost overnight.
And he’d lost Lila. That alone was a devastation I couldn’t fathom.
That kind of loss would break me.
So I was glad that we had started to mend fences. It would take time, but I hoped that he could figure himself out. And I’d be ready to help if he needed me.
He signaled that the next tree was incoming, and I stepped back, noting the size and approximate circumference of the pine.
Jude slowly lifted it and swung the boom around with precision.
Then I heard a deafening crack.
And the world went dark.