Chapter Nineteen #2
Aiden grabs my hand, pulling me in for a sweet forehead kiss and a gently whispered; “I’ll see you later, Tiger.” He turns in the direction of the main apartment and waves over his shoulder. “Don’t get into too much trouble.”
I’m not sure if he’s directing that at Dax or me, but we both nod.
“Ready?” Dax asks. I don’t think I’ve been ready for anything the last few weeks has thrown at me, but I guess I appreciate him asking. I errantly wonder what he’ll do if I say no and then shake it off and agree instead.
“Yeah. Let’s get this day moving.”
*
Despite the traditional Victorian exterior of the manor, the offices of Trevainne are wholly modern in structure.
Glass walls define the spaces inside, creating a modern footprint within the traditional one.
I notice that all the new walls are impermanent and can be stripped out if they ever want to restore the old building.
It’s cleverly done and not only redefines the purpose of this wing of the building, but it also highlights traditional features using hidden lighting.
I like it. It reminds me of the Harrison Museum.
A neoclassical building with an octagonal glass-domed ceiling covering the former courtyard.
A prime example of classical and modernist architectural mashups.
“This first floor is mostly administrative,” Dax informs me as we walk.
“We have a small reception, call centre and all the usual filing, photocopying, client lounges, meeting rooms, and so on. Upstairs, we have the estate management team, law team, the charity division, events, and socials team, and above them are the executives.”
“But your office is on the second floor. Why aren’t you up with the executives?”
“Well noticed. I forgot how quick you are.”
“Doesn’t answer my question.”
“I might run the place, but my role…hmm…how do I explain? The most accurate explanation is that I’m a temporary feature. A placeholder.”
“For Sylvie?”
He winces. Orange flags wave in my head, sensing an issue. “More like for Celeste. It’s complicated, but eventually I’ll pass this role on. Hopefully, as soon as I take down Franz.”
“Aiden said Franz is part of a much bigger operation. There are bigger men than him?”
“There are, but that’s Aiden’s hunt.”
“Yours is Franz?”
Dax nods. “I have personal reasons to take down that fucker. UACT is a part of that for me, but it is a slow process.”
“Why?”
“Because we have to do it legitimately. There’s no point tearing him down if you’re not going to establish a better option in his place. It just leaves a power vacuum for some other asshole to step into.”
“Makes sense,” I agree. “So, the Trevainne executives are a permanent feature?”
“Their focus is on maintaining Trevainne and overseeing its mission and long-term goals. They have the power to veto my decisions, but only if they can prove it will damage Trevainne’s ethos, mission, or reputation.”
We climb to the second floor, passing the offices and departments he has already listed.
I pay a little extra attention to the Law department and the three clerks sitting out front around a large rectangular work desk.
There are books and files piled neatly in the centre, the men and women moving around each other as they work and discuss whatever case they’re working on.
Two glass-framed offices line the back wall, one with its blinds drawn low for privacy, the other with its door flung wide, while the lawyer talks on the phone as he taps his pen against the hardwood desk.
It is a surreal moment of voyeurism. A glimpse of the life I’ve hoped for.
Dax catches me staring and frowns. “Everything okay?”
“I’m having a ‘One Day’ moment.”
“Sooner than you think, if you get through the modules for HU, which is why we are here.” Dax nods his head to the next door along the corridor, lowering his hand to the handle and waiting.
I catch him, noting that it’s the last room before a wide set of wood-panelled double doors.
If I have my orientation correct, that room links this wing with the main body of the manor, which also means it’s Dax’s office, but that’s not where he’s taking me.
“And here is?”
“Our reference room. It’s small and dark, and not much of a space for an office but it puts you right between me and the law department so you have people you can go to for questions or uh whatever you need,” Dax rambles as he swings open the door.
I can’t help but laugh. The fifteen-foot-high walls are lined with shelves that stretch from the floor to the decorative architrave. Each shelf is packed from edge to edge with books. “It’s a library!”
“A small one. A room really…”
“It’s bigger than Eric’s apartment. Or your office, for that matter…”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” he mumbles.
I drift into the room and run my eyes along the spines, my fingers following obediently as I read some titles aloud. “Formation and Variation of Contracts, About Law, Landmarks in the Law, Learning the Law, Law’s Empire, The Power of Legal Project Management: A Practical Handbook.”
“If there’s a book missing that you need, let the clerks know and they will order it in. Or, chances are, it might be on their work desk. They’re in and out of here all the time…another reason this might not be the best place to set you up…”
“Set me up?” I take a moment from browsing the stacks to look at Dax, only now noticing that he’s standing at a desk. A small, one-person desk with a lamp and a pile of boxes.
“I figured you could study here. Or at least you might have a place to study while you were hunting out books. The apartment is fine if you’d rather stay there, or there’s my office, the boardroom behind it too…
though I’d be moving you in and out depending on my meetings which would be a huge problem for your concentration, I’d think. ”
“Dax. You set this up for me?”
“Yeah.” He breathes a sigh of relief at my interruption. “Come here. Tell me what I’ve missed.”
On the desk are leather-bound notebooks, a diary, a pencil case with packs of pens, pencils, erasers, highlighters, book tabs, clear sticky notes, a satchel with a logo I hope I don’t recognise, and the unmistakable white box of a brand-new laptop.
“This is too much. I could have borrowed an old one,” I mumble.
“I want you to have a fresh start. New college, new modules, new equipment.” He picks up the diary and thumbs through it distractedly.
“I know it’s old-school, but I remember you had a diary in your backpack that first day, one that looked almost finished,” he hedges.
He’s right too. I’ve no more than eight usable pages left in the old thing.
“I just thought I’d give you the choice.
Your phone or laptop has the apps you need for schedules and calendars too if you want to go the digital route now that you have your own devices. ”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. They are gifts, but if that makes you uncomfortable, you can add it to your running total.
” He smiles softly, and I can tell he doesn’t mean it, but he wants me to be okay with accepting his gift, even if that means letting me be stubborn.
“Did Aiden already tell you about your bank account?”
“Yes, thank you both. Aiden explained about the scholarship and the business profits.”
“Good. If you have questions, just ask me. I’ll sit down with you and our accountant soon to explain in more detail and to introduce you both. Just to be clear. You are his client. He’ll keep your needs separate from me or Aiden, or Trevainne.”
“Thank you. I mean it. Thank you. It’s exactly what I need, and this place is perfect for studying.” I don’t mention how grateful I am to be somewhat financially independent too. Even if I don’t feel like I deserve the money they’ve funnelled my way.
“No one will disturb you, but they’re all happy to help if you need it,” Dax continues, his blush prompting him into motion. “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”
He takes me to meet the legal team, whose names I’m too overwhelmed to absorb in the moment.
Despite being busy, they’re friendly and approachable, and it is so foreign, it makes me even more of an outsider.
Are people really like this outside of the Vale?
Is this normal? I’ve studied everything from mannerisms, gait, clothing, and personal styling, to dialectical shifts via district.
I made it my mission to fit in—disappear—among these people, but I never considered the possibility of being welcomed by them.
I make awkward small talk, answer questions about the modules I’ve already completed and those still outstanding.
I smile, though it’s strained, and thank them for making room for me in their library.
None of them appear to lie; no deceptive smiles, calculating stares, or sycophantic fawning, just genuine, hard-working people.
There’s hope then? Hope that I can work my way out of the hole I was born in? I could be just like them. Accepted by them. Joslyn Girard. Something else to embrace with my new start.
“You okay?”
“Hmm?”
“I lost you for a minute there.”
We’re back in Dax’s office, so it’s been more than a minute. “I think I’m digesting it all. Thank you for letting me think.”
“You keep saying that, but you should know that this is the least I can offer you.”
“I don’t need anything more.”
“Not what I meant, though I’d give you anything you wanted. I mean, I owe you so much for what you’ve given up. This is the bare minimum repayment. I owe you for a lifetime.”
“Tom’s lifetime…” I mumble, guessing at his meaning.
“Yeah, his too.” He’s quiet for a long moment, his eyes fixate on the floor at his feet. I wait him out, giving him time to think. It’s not long before I’m rewarded with his unflinching stare and a soft frown that I’m pretty sure isn’t aimed at me so much as at himself.
“I’m sorry, Jules. Truth is, I reacted like a total prick the other day.
I panicked and blamed myself for Sylvie going missing and for not even realising because I was so damn obsessed with you.
I blame myself for hurting you by pushing too far, then barely looking at you because I couldn’t deal with the fact you didn’t feel the same for me; for not being there with you at your interview; for the way I was all over you without even so much as an apology the second you came home safe…
” I shake my head at him, but he continues, “…and I blamed myself for feeling relief, just for a moment, after realising Sylvie was missing. Relief that she was gone and no longer my responsibility. I’ve been suffocating with the guilt that grows every day since we got you caught up in our bullshit. ”
“Dax, stop. Listen, I said a lot of hurtful stuff last time we were in your office,”
Suggesting he was nothing to me. ‘I’m looking for the next big thing to help me escape.’
Insinuating my interest in him was, ‘self-destructive,’
Saying we were a mistake. ‘People only apologise for mistakes.’
It’s my fault he is still carrying all of that.
I swallow the lump in my throat and choke out the words I should have said sooner. “I screwed up. I hurt you deliberately and lied about how I felt to push you away. You don’t need to apologise to me.”
“I know…I figured out that you were distancing me too late, but I still need to say this. I looked at you in the hotel like it was your fault, but really, I’ve hated myself because it was mine.
” He sucks in a sharp breath. “Aiden spoke about home being with the people he cares about. He has that right. Home is with you.”
“You don’t have to say that…you barely know me.”
“I know enough to want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me. I know I’m willing to share your love with Aiden. Fuck even with Ben.”
“Why would you even suggest…?”
Dax laughs. “Don’t think we all haven’t noticed the way he stalks you. He’s saved you on more than one occasion, and I’ve no doubt he’ll follow you to the ends of the earth…whether you want him to, it seems. So yeah, Ben too, if that is what you want.”
“I barely know what I want.”
“Do you care for us? Ben, Aiden, me?”
“Yes.”
“Then take your time with all the other stuff. Make up your mind when you are ready. For now, just know that none of my hatred or anger is ever about you. It’s all on me, and I’m sorry for directing it outward.”
“Thank you,” I say, sensing he’s not ready to tell me why he hates himself so badly.
I only hope he sees that I’m here and ready to listen whenever he is ready to talk.
Because as much as I care for him, I can’t spend my life watching him tear himself down, then turn it into resentment.
In the end, I’ll not live the life my mother chose. I’ll save myself first.