Chapter 14
CHELSEA
Oh, this is useless. I’m never going to get to sleep.
Chelsea kicked off her blankets and rolled out of bed, frustration swelling through her.
Was it the pregnancy that was disturbing her sleep?
She had never been like this before. In the past, she had always been able to fall right to sleep, a quality she’d been very grateful for.
But for the past two nights, she’d stared at the ceiling for hours, her thoughts in a spiral as she tried to force her body to relax.
There was just so much to think about.
There was Silas, to whom they were still lying.
The more time she spent with the Aspin family, the more she hated being dishonest with him, even if it was for his own good.
He had called the house last night after dinner — Miles had still been at work, so he’d talked to Chelsea for a good half hour.
She had enjoyed the conversation for the most part, but at the very end it had turned to Miles’s mother’s jewelry.
“I really think you should have some of her things,” Silas had said earnestly. “We’re not using them, after all, and you’re family now. And if your baby is a girl, I would like them to be passed down to her someday.”
Chelsea had stammered out an excuse and ended the call quickly. How could she explain to Silas why she didn’t want to take the jewelry? He was kind to offer, and of course she did want those things to be passed on to the baby one day. But they shouldn’t be hers. It wasn’t right.
She was also plagued by thoughts of the way her relationship with Miles had grown complicated.
Every time he walked into a room, she felt a flutter in the pit of her stomach.
Was it just excitement at the project the two of them had undertaken together?
Maybe it was normal to feel that way when you looked at someone you were going to have a baby with.
It probably doesn’t mean I have feelings for him… It’s just that it’s starting to be a little hard to tell the difference.
Those worries would have been bad enough, of course, but all of that paled in comparison with the near-constant fear that she wouldn’t be a very good mother.
She had always felt confident that she would be, but that was before her baby had been real.
Now, when she thought of motherhood, she was thinking of a specific person — a person she hadn’t met yet, it was true, but a real person who would be depending on her.
What if I’ve overestimated myself? What if I’m not good at this after all? What if I’m not ready?
She left her bedroom and padded down the hall toward the kitchen, thinking that maybe a snack would help her relax enough to fall asleep.
And, for once, there wouldn’t be any staff in the kitchen — they all went home at the end of the evening.
She would be able to fend for herself. She’d gotten used to being taken care of during her time here so far, but even so, the thought of managing her own needs was a good one.
She felt a spark of excitement as she pushed open the kitchen door, thinking of what she might find in Miles’s well-stocked pantry.
But she froze on the threshold. Miles himself was sitting at the kitchen table, his laptop open in front of him.
A half-eaten sandwich sat on a plate in front of him, but he didn’t appear to be paying much attention to it.
He was peering intently at the screen in front of him as though engaged in something deeply fascinating.
Hearing her come in, he looked up and shut the laptop. His eyebrows lifted. “Is everything all right?”
“F-fine,” she stammered, feeling as if she’d been caught doing something wrong, even though she knew she was well within her rights to come down to the kitchen. “I just felt a little… um, hungry.”
“You and me both,” he said, gesturing to his sandwich. “Can I fix you one of these? It’s gruyere and tomato.”
Grilled cheese, in other words. In spite of her troubled thoughts, the fancy way of referring to a simple sandwich brought a smile to her face. “I’d love one,” she said. “If you don’t mind, that is.”
“Not at all. The pan’s already set up.” He got up and went over to the stove.
It wasn’t just the pan, she saw — there were tomato slices and a block of cheese on the cutting board, and the bread was out.
She took a seat, feeling warm and cared for.
Miles making her a meal was different from the staff doing it.
This wasn’t his job. He didn’t have to. He was doing this because…
Because he cares.
There was that flutter in her stomach again.
She drew a deep breath and forced herself to relax.
It wouldn’t be a good idea to read more into this than was actually there.
He cared about the baby. He wanted her to be healthy and well fed because she was carrying his child. That was what was going on here.
Still, she was grateful. This was the kind of father she wanted for her child, and the kind of man she wanted by her side during this pregnancy. “Listen, Miles…” she said. “I’m sorry I’ve been giving you a hard time.”
He shrugged. “You haven’t been all that bad.” He flashed her a grin to show he was kidding. “I know this has been a lot to adjust to,” he added in a more serious tone.
“It has,” she agreed. “And I want to say that it’s been easy for me, but…”
“It hasn’t been easy for me either.” He put the sandwich in the pan, where it began to sizzle. “I don’t think we could reasonably have expected this to be easy for either one of us, you know? How could becoming parents ever be simple?”
“I shouldn’t have expected that you would give up your work schedule,” she said. “I know how important that is to you, and I know working a lot doesn’t mean you’ll be neglecting our kid. And, there’s nothing wrong with using a nanny. I’m fine with that.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Well, you did have a point, though,” he said.
“Ever since we had that argument, I’ve found myself thinking about my own childhood.
About how busy my dad always was. I would have done absolutely anything to get his attention.
And I know he loved me. I’ve never felt any doubt about that.
But even so, it would have been great to have him around a little bit more.
I don’t want our kid to feel that way about me. ”
Chelsea bit her lip. “I still shouldn’t have criticized you,” she said. “We’re both trying to figure this out. The truth is… the things I was saying didn’t have that much to do with you, even though I didn’t realize that at the time.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was worried about my own ability to do this,” she admitted.
“I’m still worried about that. And I’m absolutely terrified at the thought of doing it on my own.
” She hung her head in shame. “That sounds so stupid. I was always planning to do it alone. I have more help now than I thought I was going to. But the thing is, everything happened so fast. I decided to try to have a baby, and then I found it was beyond my means, and then a few hours later I was making plans with you… The whole thing happened in a matter of days. And then I got pregnant on the first try. I never had time to slow down and think about what I was doing. And I don’t regret it,” she added quickly.
“Of course I don’t. It’s just such a big change. ”
“For me too,” he said. “I don’t regret it either, but I’m like you — I just worry I won’t be up to the task.
I want this kid to have all the best, and I’m not sure that means me.
” He sighed, “I’m not used to doubting myself like this.
When it comes to business, I know I’m at the top of the game. But this… this is something else.”
“I know what you mean,” Chelsea murmured.
“But listen,” Miles said firmly. “No matter what, you and I are in it together, all right? I know I put in a lot of time at work, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re doing this on your own, because you aren’t. We’re a team. All the way.”
He flipped her sandwich onto a plate and set it in front of her.
It smelled mouthwatering, but Chelsea was distracted by what he had just said — and by the way he was looking into her eyes.
“We haven’t had any real conversations about what it’s going to look like,” she said softly.
“Parenting together, I mean. How much time is the baby going to spend with you, and how much with me? What are we going to do when there are important decisions that need to be made? Do we have the authority to decide things without each other? Are we going to stay in constant contact?”
She shook her head. “I know you can’t answer any of that right now.
I wouldn’t expect you to. But these things are running through my mind nonstop, Miles.
In some ways, it would almost be easier to be on my own — even though that isn’t what I want — because I would be able to start making plans.
You know? I would know what the future was going to look like, and I could start to get ready for it. ”
He nodded. “We’re going to figure all that out,” he said.
“But I can promise you this: whatever decisions we make about the way we want to raise our kid, we’ll make them together.
You won’t be waiting around to find out what I want to do.
What you want matters to me too. I hope you know that.
” He sat back down at the table and looked into her eyes.
It was just like it had been on top of the Ferris wheel — the two of them were overwhelmingly, shockingly close.
But this time, Miles had just promised to be a presence in her life forever.
He’d promised that he would be by her side no matter what, and that the two of them would decide everything together.
It was so much more than Chelsea could have hoped for. The moment swept through her like a tidal wave. The fluttering in her stomach was now so intense that she could hardly draw breath. A single word came into her mind — maybe.
And there were his lips, so surprisingly full and soft for such a hard man. It was all she could do to hold back…
He isn’t holding back.
He was leaning closer to her. She felt the intensity between them like the crackle of electricity. His eyes were drifting closed.
Oh, my God.
She could barely breathe. He was actually going to kiss her. He was going to cross the line she had told herself they couldn’t cross. What was he thinking?
He isn’t thinking. That’s the only explanation.
And Chelsea decided she wouldn’t think either. Come what may, she would allow this to happen.
She closed her eyes.
Waited.
Nothing happened.
She opened her eyes again. Miles was sitting back in his chair, looking down at his hands. He had pulled away from her.
He shook his head as if he was trying to clear it. “We can’t… we… this wasn’t part of the arrangement, Chelsea.”
“I know,” she said quickly, her face heating up. Did he think she’d been trying to start it? She thought it had just sort of happened. “I didn’t mean… I wasn’t trying to…”
He got to his feet. “I should get to bed,” he told her.
“I’ve got a big day tomorrow.” Before she could respond — before she could say a word — he had retreated from the kitchen, leaving her on her own.
Chelsea looked down at her untouched sandwich.
She had gotten out of bed hoping to settle her thoughts…
but Miles had just left them in more disarray than ever.